by J. Saman
Pushing through the doors, I turn on my best scowl. “What Levi?” I ask, arms folded over my chest, hip jutting out. Total attitude pose if ever there was one.
“Why are you angry with me?” Well, that pulls me up short. “Do you even know why?” Do I even know why I’m mad at him? Yes. Yes, I do in fact know, but I can’t exactly tell him because I have zero right to be pissed. He’s leaning against the empty black gurney looking at me like he’s waiting for my answer and not giving up until he gets it.
“I’m not mad at you, Levi. I’m just…well…I don’t know what I am, but I’m not mad. Is that all you wanted me for?”
“Definitely not, but I think you know this already.”
“What does that even mean?” I ask, shifting my feet and cocking my head to the side. “We’re at work. This isn’t the time or the place to talk about anything like this. Not to mention it’s inappropriate.”
He laughs at that. Hard. He thinks this is the funniest thing ever, so I wait him out. “What’s inappropriate? We’re friends,” he emphasizes, practically screaming the word at me.
“Yeah. I get it. Friends. Yay for us.” I twirl my finger around in the air.
“You drive me insane.” He shakes his head walking the three steps to reach me. “What is this? You want me to want you, but aren’t willing want me back?”
“Huh?” It takes me a second to understand what the hell he just said. “No. I don’t think you want me. I know that’s not the situation anymore. I’m just not used to this.” I move my index finger back and forth between us. “There may be times when I turn bitchy. You’re going to have to just let me do that and not ask a whole lot of questions. Okay?”
He nods, but doesn’t look any happier. He brushes past me, making sure that our bodies make contact. The zing of excitement I feel is not lost on me.
20
The snow hasn’t let up. In fact, it’s gotten much worse. We must have a foot and a half already and it only started snowing eight hours ago. According to Tom, the city has been shut down. He has been calling to check on me every couple of hours, despite my assurances that I’m in the safest place in New York.
We’ve had three patients. A drunk homeless man who was looking for a warm place to sleep it off. A hand laceration following an incident with his wife, and the requisite chest pain following an attempt to shovel the sidewalk in front of his store.
That’s it. Three patients who did not require much time. The chest pain is hanging out, waiting on some lab work that will come back negative since he’s resting very comfortably and texting on his phone. The homeless man is sleeping it off with an IV giving him fluids. I stitched up the hand lac and sent the third guy packing in under an hour.
I’m stuck here. We all are. No buses and very few trains are running right now. The ferries are closed due to crappy visibility, so half the staff cannot get in.
“All right,” Sue calls out, interrupting my game of ‘Would you rather?’ with Olivia, Chrissy and Cara. Mercifully, Levi has kept his distance today, having taken to studying in one of the trauma rooms. “Listen up, everyone. It’s just us tonight. No one else is coming in other than Amara, but I told her not to bother because I don’t feel it is safe enough for her to get here, nor is it safe for you all to get home.” A collective groan rumbles through all of us. “Shut up. I know this sucks. The mayor has promised to continue plowing efforts, but the storm is piling it up as fast as they can plow it, and they’re not getting to the sidewalks until overnight. So here’s the deal. I’ve assigned shifts for taking four hour naps starting at four, which is in one hour. We’ll use the on-call room, but we’re sharing it with radiology who are also doing the same thing. I have coordinated with them, so here’s how it’s going to go down.” She holds up a sheet of paper like it’s the ten commandments. Apparently her decree is God. “Olivia and Cara, you two get the first shift of eating and napping. Go now, get some food and then sack out.”
She turns to me with a smile I’m not totally comfortable with.
“Lara, you’re my student today, but I’m going to use you as both nurse and student.” I nod. I already figured that much out. “Since you and Levi are technically both my students, I put you two together for meals and rest. I do realize he’s a guy and you’re a girl but since he’s the only male here, he has to pair up with someone, and I figured you’d be okay with that.” She looks to him and then to me for confirmation of this.
Fuck my life.
What the hell can I say to that? No, I’m not comfortable doing that? It would make both of us look bad and require answers I’m not willing to give.
“Sure. That’s fine,” I say, not making eye contact with Levi who is standing just to Sue’s right.
“Awesome. You’re both scheduled to do that at midnight, but you can sneak an hour for dinner around eight if things stay the way they are. I’d suggest grabbing a snack when Olivia and Cara come back, just in case we pick up and you can’t get a break until midnight.”
She continues going through all of the staff here, but I’m not listening.
Cara and Olivia leave to go get their dinner at three o’clock in the afternoon, before taking a nap at four. I guess I can’t complain about midnight.
I sit behind the nurse’s station with Chrissy who took over until Cara gets back at eight.
I’ve gone through my email, wrote a paper for class and even texted with my mother. I’m bored. Officially.
“You’re such a lucky bitch,” Chrissy says to me.
“What do you mean? I’m stuck here same as you,” I tell her.
“Yeah, but I’m paired with Evette, while you get Levi.” She looks longingly back towards the trauma room that he returned to. “He’s so fucking hot. Do you think he’s into me?” she asks, turning back to me for my opinion.
“I couldn’t tell you, Chrissy. He and I have never talked about who he dates or who he’s interested in.” That’s not a lie either.
“But you guys are friends,” she says like she knows it for a fact.
“Yeah,” I draw out, twisting in my chair to face her a little more.
“You could ask him if he’s dating someone, and if he’s not, you could tell me whether you think he’s into me.” I could do that, if we were in eighth grade, but I’d rather stick needles into my eyes Oedipus-style.
“I don’t know, Chrissy. That’s sort of a personal thing to get into.”
“Please. Just ask him if he’s dating anyone, okay?”
“Fine,” I concede, if for no other reason than to end this conversation with her.
“You’re so lucky you have Tom. Aside from being a hot piece of ass, he totally loves you.” I refrain from rolling my eyes at her description of my boyfriend. “I can’t believe you’re moving to London for the year. That’s so cool.”
“Thanks. I’m pretty excited about it myself.” Why didn’t I bring my Kindle to work today? Oh right, because it’s never been this empty here before. Ever.
“Do you think he’s going to propose to you when you’re there?” I have to laugh at that. I can’t imagine Tom doing that. Sure he said he wants to get married, but he also said he knew how I felt about it. He wouldn’t pressure me like that.
My phone rings, interrupting us before I can answer, but of course it’s Tom. Again. I nod to my phone with a smile, walking over to the locker room and ignoring the wistful sigh of Chrissy. “Hey. You okay?” I ask.
“Yes. Just checking in on you, love. When do you think you’re getting out of there, and how are you getting home?” He’s nervous. It’s kind of endearing in an over-protective way.
“I’m not,” I groan. “We’re stuck here because support staff can’t get in.” Evidently, I forgot to call and mention this to him.
“Oh no. That’s awful. When will you sleep?”
“We’re on a schedule. I have to go grab some dinner in a couple of minutes and then I get to sleep from midnight till four, which is probably the best shift to be had.”
“I wish I could come and fetch you. I hate you being there and me being stuck here. I can’t wait until we’re in London together. This is maddening.”
I laugh. “You’re being dramatic. I’m totally safe here, I swear. We have power and food and all the diet coke I’ll ever need,” I tease. “You stay home by the warm fire and I’ll be there as soon as I get out of here sometime in the next day.”
“Lara, you ready to go eat?” Levi asks, startling me. I flip around, phone pressed to my ear. “Olivia and Cara are back so we should do this while we have a chance.” Evidently the past few hours haven’t eased the edge in his voice.
“Who’s that?” Tom asks cautiously. Shit. I hadn’t thought about this situation. Do I explain that I’m going to be sleeping and eating in the same place with Levi or not? Crap. I hold up my finger, indicating that I need a minute and then wave to the door so he’ll leave. I spin around and sigh inwardly.
“That was Levi,” I say quietly, feeling like a heel. He’s silent. “Tom?”
“Yeah,” he pauses. “I don’t know what to say to that. Are you having supper with your ex-boyfriend?”
“Um... yeah. Sue paired us up.” It may be true, but it sounds so pathetic. I can’t tell him about the sleeping in the on-call room thing. He’ll be so pissed at me, not that I would blame him. More silence. “Tom?”
“I’ll let you go,” he says abruptly.
“Please don’t hang up on me like that. I don’t want you being upset. Obviously this is special circumstances, and I told you he’s my friend. Please,” I reiterate, hoping this doesn’t start a fight. We don’t fight, and I don’t think I could handle that right now on top of everything else.
“Right. Yeah. Okay,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, this is just hard for me. I’m trying to be a good chap about it, but it’s more difficult than I thought it would be.”
“I know and I’m sorry.”
“We’ll talk later, yeah?”
“Of course.”
The line beeps in my ear. He hung up on me, which is just not his style. I sigh, lowering my head for a second before turning around to head out and meet Levi. I stop in my tracks with a raised eyebrow. Levi apparently never left the room and heard my entire conversation with Tom.
Super.
He’s smiling at me. The sort of smile that says he’s not at all disappointed by this situation. What the fuck does he want from me?
“You told him we’re friends?” he asks, his smile growing.
“Of course. That’s what you told me we were,” I emphasize.
“I know I told you that. I just love that you told him that too.” Turning without another word, he heads for the locker room door, holding it open for me. I walk through, ignoring his smug expression and head out of the double doors of the ED and back into the lobby. I don’t have to look to know that Levi is hot on my heels.
We’ve been friends for three days and all we’ve done is bicker. Not a stellar beginning.
I head straight for the cafeteria. It’s not my favorite food destination, but desperate times and all. Hitting the button for the elevator, I wait, staring straight at the metal doors. I feel his body heat as his arm rubs against my shoulder.
Doors open, revealing an empty elevator. Entering silently, I hit the button for the fourth floor, but the second the doors shut I feel him. I feel him everywhere. “You’re mad at me.” It’s the same thing he said to me earlier today, though this time, it’s not a question.
Am I mad at him? For what? He didn’t do anything. He’s not the one who feels like they’re betraying their boyfriend simply by being in an elevator with someone else.
“Lara, look at me.” I shake my head. I can’t. I just…can’t. I don’t know how I got myself here. “Are you mad that I told you I want to be friends? Is that what this is?”
“No,” I seethe. Now I am officially mad, and I’m not gonna lie, it feels really good. “I get it. You want to be my friend. That’s fine. It’s your fucking mixed messages that have me upset. It’s you smiling over Tom being upset about us having dinner together that has me upset.”
He sighs, turning to face me, but the doors open, saving me from whatever his words would have done to me. I step around him, heading straight into the cafeteria which is moderately crowded, considering it’s eight in the evening in the middle of a blizzard. I grab a tray and head straight for the salad bar. I make myself a salad, grab a diet coke and some soup because I can’t eat heavy food when I’m working.
Paying for the items on my tray, I find a large table in the middle of the room. Dropping my tray on it, the fork and spoon clank on impact. Levi is nowhere to be seen, which suits me fine. I text Tom, telling him that I love him and that I hope he’s not upset with me.
I get no reply.
Fabulous.
I pick at my pathetic excuse for a salad as Levi approaches, sitting directly across from me. “I’m sorry if you feel I’m sending you mixed messages,” he starts. “That’s not my intention with you.”
“What does that even mean? Your intention with me?”
He smiles, but raises his soda to his mouth to cover it. “I forgot how perceptive you are. Nothing ever gets by you.”
I shake my head.
“You want the truth or do you want the party line I’ve been feeding you so you’ll talk to me?”
I have nothing for that so I just glare.
“Lara, what do you expect me to say to you? That I’m still in love with you?” His words would cut me in half if he didn’t sound completely sarcastic when he said them.
“No. I don’t expect you to tell me things like that, especially when I know they’re not true,” I sigh, taking another bite of my raw spinach. Washing it down with some diet coke I level him with my eyes as he waits me out. “I’m just not sure which way is up with you is all.” I tell him and I realize just how true that is.
I’m so lost with him.
He takes a bite of something that resembles macaroni and cheese, looking contemplative as he chews. “Okay. How’s this? No more mixed messages.” That softens me some. “As you said before, this is all new to us. Being friends is kind of a joke, but what the fuck, right?”
“See,” I point at him as I try and swallow the soup that tastes like dirty dishwater, “that right there is the problem. You said friends. That was your brilliant idea and now you’re calling it a joke. Just tell me the truth, do you even want to be my friend?”
He does that smiling thing again and I feel a fluttering in my stomach that I choose to ignore. “Yes and no.” I open my mouth to yell at him again about mixed messages, but he holds up his hand to me, stopping me before I even get started. “Let me finish, chicky.” I glare at him for using that pet name. His mouth pulls at the corner into a smirk. “You always loved it when I called you chicky.”
“Dick move, Levi.”
“Fine. No chicky, or baby, or anything else that means anything.” That freaking crooked smirk just won’t die, and every time he pins me with those hazel eyes of his surrounded by the glasses, I feel a pain in my chest. I’m about two minutes from going downstairs and hooking myself up to an EKG. “Lara, I promise to be on my best behavior. You are with that Tom guy.” No mistaking the distain in his voice. “And I respect that as much as I’m capable of. Friends is the best we’ve got, so let’s run with it.”
“How very generous of you,” I mock.
“That’s just the sort of guy I am.” He winks and I roll my eyes. “Let me just add one more thing before we end the lover’s conversation.”
“I didn’t think we were having a lover’s conversation.” I push my half-eaten tray away. Gross.
He waves me away like that’s not important. “Given the spirit of our awesome friendship, I don’t feel it’s a good idea to sleep together in the on-call room tonight. I would be way too tempted to become a hospital soap opera cliché.”
“Don’t know if you know this, but Chrissy would love to be that cliché with y
ou.” The words leave my mouth with a sour taste, making me inadvertently scowl.
“Well, dumb blonde isn’t really my taste.” That gets a smile out of me whether I want it to or not. “But beautiful, brilliant, busty brunettes with greens eyes are, so as I was saying, no on-call room together. Agreed?” Now I’m smiling big and I hate myself for it. Hearing him say that shouldn’t feel as good as it does. The small voice in the back of my head is yelling at me that I’m a terrible, horrible girlfriend.
It’s the same voice that tells me I probably shouldn’t have Levi in my life. That I shouldn’t be trying so hard to be his friend or have anything to do with him.
It’s dangerous. He’s dangerous.
Being around him and looking into his eyes and seeing his smiles that I hate so much, it’s all dangerous.
I just don’t know how to stay away now. I’m totally addicted to the high. I get those damn crazy butterflies when he’s in the locker room, or telling me that he’s working in a blizzard because he hasn’t seen me in a few days. My heart starts to pound because he tells me he’s attracted to me.
It’s the way it used to be.
Those butterflies had a permanent residence inside of me when he was around and it seems they’re back.
Scary realization number one: I rarely, if ever, have those with Tom. Tom is comfortable and safe and makes me feel good. Happy even. But not excited. Not challenged or angry or jealous or so completely insane that I swear my brain and heart will explode.
“No on-call room,” I agree with a nod.
“What’s going through that big brain of yours? I see you overthinking things. What are you freaking out about now?”
Scary realization number two: Levi can read me like an open book. He knows all of my thoughts without my having to tell him. He knows me inside and out. Tom knows the person I allow him to see, which is pretty damn close to the real thing, but not fully.
“Nothing.” I raise my chin trying to meet his eyes. “Just thinking about work.”