Embarrassing True Stories

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  I was driving to a rodeo, when I turned a sharp corner and heard a commotion in my horse trailer. I pulled over to the side of the road to check it out. My goat tying horse Walter had lost his balance and fell down. My barrel horse Sugar was looking at him in shock. I got them both out of the trailer. Neither was hurt, but Walter was pretty scared and would not get back into the trailer, so my mom rode him back home while I headed to the rodeo.

  I had never used my barrel horse for goat tying. He was also a calf roping horse and when a calf roper dismounts, the horse slides to a stop. I practiced dismounting Sugar a few times and thought he was going to work out ok.

  My time comes. I run Sugar down to the end of the arena at full speed, slow him a bit and prepare to dismount. Of course being trained as he was, he slides to a stop. I on the other hand did not. I continue to propel through the air, fall to the ground, do three somersaults, get up, catch the goat, throw it down and tie it, never missing a beat.

  As I throw my hands up and step back, I hear the announcer say: "And she didn't even lose her hat, folks!" I was so embarrassed, but the crowd thought it was pretty funny.

  TREADMILL TERROR

  I was at the gym, jogging on a treadmill. This hot new guy kept checking me out. It felt pretty good getting some looks. But I don't seem to be very good at multi-tasking. I can't run and think about a hot guy checking me out at the same time. I tripped and fell on the treadmill, and that damn thing wooshed me backwards onto the floor. I felt sooo stupid.

  MY FIRST AND LAST CAMPING TRIP

  My school class went on a camping trip to a state park. It was my very first time camping in the woods. I had to poop, and the teacher told me that there was a latrine a few hundred feet away from the camp. He said it was just a hole in the ground. He pointed me in the right direction and sent me on my way. I really really had to go bad. It was night time and I couldn't see much. Finally I saw some rocks in a circle and assumed that must be the latrine. I pulled my pants down. Not a moment too soon! I couldn't hold it in any longer and did my business.

  Suddenly a flashlight was shining at me from a nearby tent that I hadn't seen in my hurry, and a voice from inside the tent said: "Oh my God, there's a kid taking a shit in our fire place!"

  TOO MUCH INFORMATION

  My husband had testicular cancer, and the doctors had to remove one of his testicles. The whole thing was a pretty big deal, so of course we talked about it at home, at the dinner table or during the day, or on the phone with our parents. We didn't always worry about where our little daughter was while we had these conversations.

  One day I was shopping for groceries, and while my daughter and I were standing at the check-out line, she looked at the lady in front of us, and just blurted out, out of nowhere: "My daddy only has one testicle." The lady just rolled her eyes and turned away, like I was the worst mother in the world.

  WHEN DOG POOP TELLS A STORY

  Our dog Ranger always had this annoying habit of knocking over the garbage can and eating the trash.

  A few years ago my family visited my husband and me at our new house and we had a barbeque in the backyard. Ranger had to poop, so of course he went into the middle of the yard, turned around once or twice, crouched down and did his thing for all to see. My cousin was nice enough to offer to clean it up. She took some pages out of the newspaper to scoop up the poop.

  Suddenly I notice a crowd gathering around her, like they were all examining something. I went over to see what was going on. Guess what? There was a used condom INSIDE the poop! My husband and I had used a condom the day before and Ranger had found it in the trash. And here was my whole family looking at the evidence, trying to figure out what it was. I died a thousand deaths!!!

  What could I say? That it was a balloon or something? Well, they knew what it was...

  After all, they were looking at it long enough. This happened about 2 years ago and they still bring it up. When they do, I try to change the subject as fast as I can. I just mention that it was them who stood there, staring at it for 10 minutes, so they are the ones that ought to be ashamed of themselves, not me. But between you and me... I cringe every time the topic is brought up!

  POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKES

  I was the new kid in class, trying to make friends. I was hanging out at my new buddy's house after school, with another kid from class. I was trying to be funny, so I kept telling them all these politically incorrect retard jokes. Later the other kid told me that my buddy's brother had Down Syndrome and my jokes had really offended him.

  RUINING THE MOMENT

  A friend of mine and I had gotten pretty drunk at a party. Things got kind of weird and he asked me up to his room. We started to make out pretty badly. Suddenly, I harshly pushed him away, landed on all fours next to the trash can, and started to vomit continuously. Talk about ruining the moment!

  The next morning I woke up and found blood stains on his bed! I was mortified, to say the least. I thought I had finished my period two days earlier, but as the smeared red stains on the sheets indicated, I was wrong. I dreaded having to tell him, but didn't want him finding out for himself when I'd left.

  It totally grossed him out. Even worse, his roommates came in and looked on curiously as I proceeded to try to bleach the stains, and then took the stained sheets off his bed, to wash them.

  When I returned everything, clean and somewhat new, all the guys were sitting in the den watching TV, while I had to walk through the room in front of them with the clean sheets. It was so humiliating.

  CAUGHT IN THE ACT

  I had a crush on my best friend's brother. One day I was visiting her, and she was in the shower, so her brother and I decided to hook up. She walked in on us just as he was about to cum. She started screaming at us, and to this day I'm not allowed to come over if he's there.

  MY FIRST PITA

  My girlfriend told me to try a pita from Pita Pit. She recommended the chicken caesar, with feta cheese, on a wheat wrap. It was really good.

  So I was eating the wrap while driving home. She told me not to, because it would be a mess. But I knew better and didn't listen to her. Not the best idea I ever had.

  I'm usually really good at eating and driving, because I eat on the go a lot. Have you seen The Matrix? That one scene where it seems like he slows down time and bullets travel in slow motion and he dodges the bullets with effortless grace? That's me when I eat in the car. I make the impossible possible. I eat stuff neat that should not be possible to be eaten neat. I can make it seem like melting ice cream is frozen in time and just levitating in mid-air while I eat it. It's my secret super power. I don't dribble or nothing.

  But that chicken caesar pita was my kryptonite. It kicked my ass. I got about 2 thirds done with it when that shit just fell apart and made the mother of all messes. It was a clusterfuck in a wrap. Feta cheese on the ceiling. Chicken bits laughing at me from the dashboard. Mushrooms thumbing their noses at me. Onions making a run for it. Lettuce all over the steering wheel. Salad dressing stains where they shouldn't be. My shirt looked like Monica Lewinsky's dress. I felt violated. I made an appointment with a grief counselor.

  Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating just a tiny little bit and it wasn't really that bad, but it was a big mess and my girlfriend made fun of me.

  AT THE WATERPARK

  My friends and I went to an awesome waterpark that had all sorts of slides. This one slide was really tall and steep. I had to try it! It was super fast. When I got to the bottom, I got up and noticed that my top wasn't covering my breasts at all anymore. I was flashing hundreds of people in the waterpark.

  THEY MUST THINK I'M CRAZY

  I have agoraphobia. It's a social anxiety disorder. I don't like to leave the house and interact with people. I also don't like it when they come to my house. I'm female, and I have a male roommate. He knows I don't like to answer the door, so he usually does that.

  One day my old school friend Richard showed up at the door unannounced. On many days I don't b
other getting dressed, and that day I was just wearing an old, long T-shirt as pajamas. When I heard that someone was at the door, and my roommate was letting them into the house, I ran and hid in the bathroom, because I didn't want them to see me like this.

  So my roommate and my old school friend Richard were now sitting in the living room, and I was in the bathroom, with no pants on. The bathroom door is in the living room, so there was no way for me to get out without them seeing me. I decided to wait in the bathroom until my roommate tells Richard to wait outside til I get dressed. But he didn't.

  After a few minutes I felt really stupid hiding in the bathroom. The longer I was in there, the more embarrassed I got. This situation lasted for about 30 minutes. My roommate knocked on the bathroom door to tell me Richard is there, like I didn't know. Meanwhile Richard, who was sitting on the couch five feet away from the bathroom door, pretended not to know that I was hiding in the bathroom. It was humiliating.

  Then my roommate walked outside to the bathroom window and yelled my name. Richard heard the whole thing. He finally left and pretended he thought I wasn't home.

  LEAKAGE

  I had given birth recently. I went out to dinner with some friends that I hadn't seen in years, and that were in town visiting for a few days. At the end of the night, when I got home, I saw that my breasts had leaked milk, and left stains on my blouse. That's how they'll remember me now.

  OLD PEOPLE DO IT TOO

  I was 16, and my parents took me and my younger sister on a trip to Orlando. We had adjoining hotel rooms with a door that connected both rooms.

  My sister and I were arguing over a blouse. We both wanted to wear it to dinner that night. It was my blouse, and I was getting really fed up with how annoying and demanding my sister was being. Finally I stormed into my parents' hotel room next door, and yelled: "Mooom! Tell Liz that it's MY blouse and I'm gonna wear it tonight!"

  Then I saw that my parents were both naked on the bed, having sex. I was mortified! My dad rolled off my mom, grabbed a sheet and tried to cover them while he yelled: "GET OUT! Why is that door not locked?!"

  I think I need therapy now.

  FACEBOOK FAIL

  I was flirting with 3 different guys on Facebook for a while. I spent the night with one of them, and while I was at his house, I checked my Facebook page on his computer. I forgot to log out afterwards. After I went home, he snooped through all my Facebook messages and saw that I was telling two other guys besides him that I love them. He was really pissed and wrote messages to the other guys and told them that I was a slut. Then all three of them started writing all sorts of nasty comments on my Facebook page, and all my friends and family saw it.

  WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER

  I have no talent for music whatsoever. I'm so tone deaf, when I hear two notes, I can't even tell you which one is higher, and which one is lower.

  My grandparents felt that this needed to be remedied. They felt that if I found the right instrument, I may yet be the next Mozart.

  So they got me a musical instrument for Christmas. But not just any old instrument. No, not a guitar. Not a violin. No, an accordion. A big, red accordion! It looked like an old-fashioned radiator, with piano keys on one side, and a million weird little buttons on the other side.

  If I had wanted to start a polka band, I would have been unstoppable with that monster accordion. I could have struck fear in my enemies' hearts with that behemoth. Unfortunately there was no way I was ever going to learn how to play that thing. But I politely thanked my grandparents for the thoughtful present, pretended to really like it, like the good grandchild that I am, and promised to play them a song next time they came over. I have no idea why I said that.

  Every time my grandparents came over, they wanted me to play them a song on my fancy red accordion. And every time I had to think of an excuse why I couldn't, without hurting their feelings, or letting them know that it was hidden at the bottom of my closet and that I had not touched that thing since Christmas. It was the gift that kept on giving.

  MR. FANCY PANTS

  Remember when you were little, and your mom used to pick out your clothes for you? Remember when that changed? I do. It was the day I went to my friend's house for a sleep-over after school. He lived on a different school bus route than I did. So I was on his bus, when his friends on the bus looked at me and said: "Are those golden corduroy pants? Are you wearing GOLDEN... CORDUROY... PANTS??"

  Yes I was. And the next day I started picking out my own clothes. It was nothing but blue jeans for me from then on out.

  TENNIS IS FOR PROS

  There are some free tennis courts in our gated community. For a while my friend and I played tennis after school almost every day. There was a house with a four foot high chainlink fence right next to the court we used. Since we weren't really all that good at playing tennis, the ball we used kept flying over the fence, so he and I had to take turns retrieving the ball.

  When it was turn again, I climbed over the fence, as I had done several times before, but somehow my shorts got stuck on the top of the fence this time. I lost my balance and fell forward. My body slid down, but my shorts were still stuck at the top of the fence, so they stayed where they were, while I slid down, head first. By the time my face and shoulders hit the ground, with my feet in the air, my shorts were around my knees, and I was fully exposed, flashing everyone.

  MY DAD THE TOURIST

  I moved to Florida from Germany. My parents still live over there. My dad came to visit me in Florida. I showed him all the sights... Orlando, the Kennedy Space Center, Daytona, etc. Then he wanted to see the real, authentic America, not the tourist stuff. So I took him to a trashy trailer park. They don't have those in Germany, so I figured that's something uniquely American. Gritty. And very authentic.

  As we were slowly driving down the gravel roads in the trailer park, passing one shitty run-down trailer after another, my dad leaned out of the car window with his big tourist camera. It had a huge telescopic lense, and he just leaned out of the window with it, taking pictures of the trailers and the rednecks, like he was at a zoo, taking pictures of the animals.

  At one trailer, a bunch of guys were sitting on the front porch. When they saw us slowly rolling past them, and my dad taking pictures of them with his huge camera, 2 of the guys got up and started running down the driveway towards my car, while screaming at us. They did not look friendly.

  I floored the gas pedal and we took off. Luckily the guys didn't continue to chase us by car. I told my dad that he couldn't just blatantly point his camera at people in a trailer park and just snap their picture. He'd get us killed. This is not Germany. A few days later we went out to eat at Golden Corral. A black guy with dreads, tattoos, saggy pants and gold teeth parked next to us in his Jaguar. My dad was fascinated and kept staring at him. Then he asked me, "how does a guy like that drive a car like that? Is he a drug dealer?" That guy was less than 6 feet away from us, and my dad just kept staring at him. Like he had a death wish or something. At least he didn't try to take his picture.

  WHY?

  My grandmother had Alzheimer's and lived with my parents and me. She often said things no polite person would ever say, because she was kinda like a kid. My friend Joseph was severely obese. He probably weighed about 400 pounds. He came over for dinner one night. My grandmother was sitting next to me and kept giving Joseph dirty looks across the table. She kept poking me in the ribs with her elbow, pointing her chin forward at him, as if to say: "Look at that guy! Just look at him! He's eating all our food!"

  Then she leaned over to me and whispered, but it was loud enough so that not only I but everyone else could hear her: "Why is he so fat? Why is he so fat?"

  Joseph tried to play it off like he was not offended or embarrassed, but we were all embarrassed for him. We kept telling grandma to shut up, and that she was being rude, but every few minutes she forgot, and did the same thing all over again, poking me in the ribs and asking: "Why is he so fat? Why is he
so fat?"

  CODY

  My dog Cody, a pitbull my husband and I rescued, was the sweetest, friendliest dog in the world. But she had a weak bladder. Whenever she got excited, she peed. We visited my parents and brought Cody along. My mother was sitting on the couch, and Cody ran over to her, wagged her tail like crazy, and jumped on my mother's lap. Then she peed all over my mother's good Sunday outfit. She was drenched and yelled: "Get this dog off me!!!"

  APPARENTLY I'M COLOR BLIND

  My wife and I went shopping. We have a green Jeep. We also have three dogs, and they were with us that day, waiting in the car while we were in the store. After we finished buying groceries, we returned to the parking lot and walked towards the car. I pulled out my keys and tried to open the car with the clicker. But the car wasn't responding to my remote. I tried it a few times. It just wouldn't work. Then I heard my wife laughing in the distance. When I looked for her, I saw her standing in front of our Jeep, with the dogs happily barking at her from inside the car.