Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn

by Charlie Brooker

  CSI (Five), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Cullum, Jamie: irritating smug little face of, 1

  Culshaw, Jon, 1

  Curb Your Enthusiasm (BBC4), 1, 2, 3

  Curse Of Friends Reunited (Five), 1

  Cutting Edge: Seconds To Impact (C4), 1

  Daly, Tess, 1, 2

  Dance, Charles: menacing voice, 1;

  liberates Iraq on clockwork dog, 2

  Daniel Deronda (BBC1), 1, 2

  David Blaine: Above The Below (Sky), 1

  David, Larry, 1

  Davidson, Jim: provokes tooth-grinding, 1;

  compared unfavourably to a bit of rag on a stick, 2;

  experts define worthlessness of, 1;

  endured by Wogan audience, 1;

  almost responsible for destruction of Earth, 1;

  sawn open in vivid fantasy, 1;

  among worst of decade, 1

  Davies, Andrew: envious speculation regarding bank balance, 1

  Davies, Alan: hunts notional pig, 1;

  Christ, no, anyone but him, 2

  Dawson, Les, 1

  Dawson’s Creek (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Day, Darren, 1

  De Caunes, Antoine, 1

  Deadly Spitting Cobras (ITV), 1

  The Deal (C4), 1

  Death By Home (BBC1), 1

  Deayton, Angus: and Osama Bin Laden, 1;

  falls from grace, 2

  Dennis, Les: dances to Steps, 1;

  nation debates potential suicide of, 2;

  has personal life mocked by jackals, 1, 314

  Derren Brown: see Brown, Derren

  Derren Brown: Mind Control 2 (C4), 1, 2

  Des and Mel Show (ITV1), 1

  Diamond, Ann, 1

  Dick And Dom In Da Bungalow (BBC1), 1

  Dickinson, David: mysterious sex appeal of, 1

  Diesel, Vin, 1

  Dimmock, Charlie, 1

  Dirty War (BBC1), 1

  Doctor Who (BBC1), 1

  Doctor Who, The Movie, 1

  Doctor Zhivago (ITV1), 1, 2

  Dog Eat Dog (BBC1), 1

  The Double Life Of Jonathan King (C4), 1

  Doyle, Craig, 1

  Dr Fox: hammers nail through crab, 1;

  compared with Simon Cowell, 2;

  congratulates androids, 1 ;

  laughs in face of progress, 1

  Dreamspaces (BBC3), 1

  Drunk And Dangerous (BBC1), 1

  EastEnders (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  Emmerdale (ITV1), 1, 2, 3

  Enterprise (Sky One), 1

  The Entertainers (BBC2), 1

  Eriksson, Sven Goran, 1

  Eurotrash (C4), 1

  Evans, Chris: gaudy stunts of, 1;

  fails to realise full extent of genius, 2

  Faking It, 1

  Fame Academy (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Fame, Set And Match – Breakfast TV

  (BBC2), 1

  FANatic (C4), 1

  Fashanu, John, 1, 2

  Fastlane (Sky One), 1

  Faulkner, Lisa: shoved face-first in fryer, 1, 2

  Fear Factor (Sky One), 1

  Feltz, Vanessa, 1

  Fielding, Yvette, 1

  Finnegan, Judy, 1

  Finney, Albert, 1

  Flight Deck: DC9, 1

  Fogle, Ben, 1

  Food Junkies (BBC2), 1

  football: Santa injured at stadium, 1;

  tediousness of, 2;

  kills Rod Hull, 1;

  is worse than Jamie Cullum, 1;

  shouldn’t be televised, 1;

  smells and is rubbish, 343

  Fox, Edward, 1

  Freeman, Ian, 1

  Friendly TV network (Sky 1), 2

  Friends (C4), 1

  The Frontier House (C4) 1, 2

  Garnett, Tony, 1

  Garraway, Kate, 1

  Gascoigne, Paul: incomprehensibility of, 1

  Geller, Uri, 1, 2, 3

  The Generation Game (BBC1), 1, 2

  George Best’s Body (C4), 1

  Georgian Underworld (C4), 1

  Gladiators – The Brutal Truth (BBC2), 1

  GMTV (ITV1), 1

  Goodnight Sweetheart (BBC1), 1

  Goody, Jade: cackling, 1;

  meeting Robin Hood, 2;

  threatening to open wormhole, 1

  Grand, Tommy, 1

  Grandstand (BBC1), 1

  Grange Hill (BBC1), 1

  Green, Tom, 1

  G-String Divas (Five), 1

  Gwynne, Haydn, 1

  Halliwell, Geri, 1

  Hamilton, Christine, 1, 2

  Happiness (BBC2), 1

  Harbour Lights (BBC2), 1

  Harris, Rolf: proves tricky to pin down, 1

  Hattersley, Roy, 1

  Have-a-Go Heroes (BBC1), 1

  Headf**ck (Sci-Fi), 1

  Hear’Say: adored by populace, 1;

  reviled by populace; 213

  Helvin, Marie, 1

  Hetchin, Paul, 1

  Hewitt, Gavin, 1

  Holby City (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Holder, Noddy, 1

  Holiday Insider’s Guide (BBC1), 1

  Hollyoaks (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Holmes, Eamonn, 1

  Hopper, Dennis, 1

  Hotel Babylon, 1

  How To Watch Television (C4), 1

  Hull, Rod: killed by world’s most rubbish sport, 1, 2

  Human Instinct (BBC1), 1

  Humble, Kate, 1

  Hunniford, Gloria: sits in skip, 1;

  fails to spoil something, 1

  I Am Not an Animal (BBC2), 1

  I Dare You (Five), 1

  I Want A Famous Face (MTV), 1

  I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!

  (ITV1), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Icke, David, 1

  If … (BBC2), 1

  If … The Generations Fall Out (BBC2), 1

  If … We Don’t Stop Eating (BBC2), 1

  Ingram, Major Charles: as folk hero, 1;

  meets Jade Goody, 2

  The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (BBC1), 1

  Irwin, Steve, 1

  Isaacs, Mark, 1

  It Shouldn’t Happen To A Chat Show Host (ITV), 1, 2

  It’s A Girl Thing (C4), 1

  ITN News (ITV1), 1, 2

  Jack Bauer (24): defies authority, 1;

  drives technomobile, 2;

  is chased by visibly erect Honey Monster, 1;

  loses wife and child, 1;

  suffers breakdown, grows beard, 1;

  wigs out completely, 1;

  loses war on drugs, 1

  Jackass (MTV), 1

  Jackpot (BBC2), 1

  Jackson, Michael, 1

  Jagger, Mick, 1

  Jamie’s Kitchen (C4), 1

  The Jerry Atrick Show (Five), 1, 2

  Jez Quigley (Coronation Street), 1

  Jim Davidson’s Generation Game (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Joey (Friends), 1

  John, Elton, 1

  Johnny And Denise: Passport To Paradise (BBC1), 1

  Jones, Terry, 1

  Jonsson, Ulrika, 1, 2

  Jordan, 1

  The Joy Of Text (BBC1), 1

  Judge John Deed (BBC1), 1

  Jupitus, Phil, 1, 2

  Justine (from Elastica), 1

  Kay, Vernon: presents Boys and Girls, 1;

  hums theme tune until viewer contemplates mass murder, 2;

  contracts bubonic plague, 1

  Kelly, Lorraine, 1, 2

  Kelly, Matthew, 1

  Kemp, Martin, 1

  Kemp, Ross: stares at knotholes, 1;

  kills people, 2;

  with Martin Kemp, 1;

  mentioned alongside Pac-Man, 1;

  unsuitability for timelord role, 1

  Kensit, Patsy: gets bum licked clean by Bo’ Selecta, 1

  Kenyon Confronts (BBC1), 1

  Kenyon, Paul, 1

  Kielty, Patrick: enjoys Christmas, 1;

  notional te
acup antics fail to impress, 2

  Kilroy (BBC1), 1, 2;

  like waiting for a bus, 3

  Kilroy-Silk, Robert: as antichrist, 1;

  as evil presence, 2;

  as Judge Death, 1

  Kim (24), 1

  King, Jonathan: plays zulu, 1;

  as sexual predator, 2;

  complains to author, 1

  Kirsty’s Home Videos (Sky One), 1

  Knoxville, Johnny, 1

  Kylie Entirely (C4), 1

  LA Pool Party (BBC Choice), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Late Night With Letterman (ITV2), 1

  The Learning Zone (BBC2), 1

  Lennon, John: attacked by viking, 1;

  inspires monumental bullshit, 2

  Leno, Jay, 1

  Les Dawson’s Lost Diaries (C4), 1

  Leslie, John: attacks contestant with broom, 1;

  masks erection, 2;

  chat-up lines of, 1;

  considered fortunate by taxi driver, 1;

  noticeably absent, 229

  Linda Green (BBC1), 1

  Lineker, Gary, 1

  Lipstick Years: Sec’s Appeal (BBC2), 1

  Little Britain (BBC3), 1, 2, 3

  Littlejohn, Richard: wrecks planet, 1;

  warrants dishonorable mention, 2;

  relationship with French, 1;

  gets slagged off again, 340

  Lloyd, Sian, 1

  The Long Firm (BBC2), 1

  Looking 4 Love (BBC Choice), 1

  Love On A Saturday Night (ITV1), 1

  Luvvies: The Awards The Stars Don’t Want To Win (ITV1), 1, 2

  Luxton, Charlie, 1

  Lydon, John: likened to pantomime dame, 1;

  in Australia, 2, 3

  Lynam, Desmond, 1

  Lyndhurst, Nicholas, 1

  Lythgoe, Nigel: orders gammon steak, 1;

  resembles Admiral Ackbar, 2;

  remains unmoved, 1;

  outdone by girl, 1;

  chickens out, 1;

  oozes glamour, 1

  MacGowan, Shane, 1

  Maconie, Stuart, 1

  Madeley, Richard: ubiquity of, 1;

  impersonates Ali G, 2

  Making The Band (C4), 1, 2

  Manhunter (Sky One), 1

  Marquess of Bath: stomach-churning artworks of, 1

  Marsden, Dr John, 1

  Marven, Nigel, 1

  Masters of Darkness: Rasputin (C4), 1

  Mayall, Rik, 1

  McAndrew, Nell, 1

  McCall, Davina: omnipresence of, 1;

  grating voice of, 2;

  depressed by, 1;

  begged to consider eight-year sabbatical, 1;

  replaced by Kate Thornton, 1

  McCoy, Sylvester, 1, 2

  McCririck, John, 1

  McDonald, Trevor: trusted by Friendly TV presenters, 1;

  inhabits computerised hellscape, 2

  McFadden, Steve, see Phil Mitchell

  McGann, Paul, 1

  McKeith, Dr Gillian, 1

  Mears, Ray, 1, 2

  Mediums: Talking to the Dead (BBC2), 1

  Meet The Popstars (ITV), 1

  Mersey Beat (BBC1), 1, 2

  Messenger, Melinda, 1

  Michael Landy: The Man Who Destroyed Everything (BBC2), 1

  Michael, George, 1

  Michelmore, Cliff, 1

  Middlemiss, Jayne, 1, 2, 3

  Midsomer Murders (ITV1), 1

  Ministry Of Mayhem (ITV1), 1

  Minogue, Kylie, 1

  Model Behaviour (C4), 1

  Monarch Of The Glen (BBC1), 1, 2

  Monkey Dust (BBC3), 1, 2

  Morgan, Piers, 1

  Morrissey, David, 1

  Moses (BBC1), 1

  Mostue, Trude, 1, 2

  Munnery, Simon, 1, 2

  Murnaghan, Dermot, 1

  My Breasts Are Too Big (C4), 1

  My Uncle Silas (ITV), 1

  My Worst Week (BBC1), 1

  Nail, Jimmy, 1

  Naked Elvis (C4), 1

  The National Lottery (BBC1), 1

  Neighbours (BBC1), 1

  Neill, Sam, 1

  Nesbitt, James, 1

  Never, Never (C4), 1

  Neville, Gary, 1

  The New Tom Green Show (C4), 1

  Newsround (BBC1), 1

  Nick Cotton (EastEnders), 1, 2

  Norton, Graham: plays Brian in Big Brother,1;

  becomes tiresome, 2;

  remains tiresome, 272

  O’Connor, Des: discusses ‘bimbo-bumbo’, 1

  O’Neill, Martin, 1

  The Office (BBC2), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Oliver, Jamie: plugs Sainsburys, 1, 2;

  turns air blue, 3;

  likened to Roy Hattersley, 1;

  is not a timelord, 1;

  can just about fuck off, 1

  Omaar, Rageh, 1

  One Night Stands (Five), 1

  One Night With Robbie Williams (BBC1), 1, 2

  Ono, Yoko: talking absolute bollocks, 1

  Osbourne, Ozzy, 1

  Osbourne, Sharon, 1

  The Osbournes, 1

  Ouch! (Five), 1

  Our Tune (Sky One), 1

  Owen, Mark, 1

  Oz, 1

  Palmer, Patsy, 1

  Palmer-Tomkinson, Tara, 1

  Parkinson (BBC1), 1

  Parkinson, Michael, 1, 2, 3

  Penk, Steve, 1

  The People’s Queen (BBC1), 1

  A Perfect Match (C4), 1

  Pertwee, Jon, 1

  Petri dish: used by Justice League of America, 1;

  beneath Dominic Mohan’s desk, 2;

  providing cast of Hollyoaks, 1;

  universal, scraped out for Blind Date, 1;

  populace reclining within, 1;

  role in creation of Jamie Cullum, 1;

  The Phantom Flan Flinger, 1

  Phil Mitchell (EastEnders): compared to Ricky Butcher, 1;

  pursuing Sonia with mace, 2;

  pooing like a horse, 1;

  violating a dog, 1;

  unveiling genitalia, 1;

  presenting Britain’s Hardest, 1

  pinecones: providing seats for contestants, 1;

  covered in snow, 2;

  sat on by Queen, 1;

  experience of sitting on replicated by Curb Your Enthusiasm, 1;

  made of tinfoil, excreted, 1;

  shat by Dr Gillian McKeith, 1

  Pingu (BBC1), 1

  Piper, Billie, 1

  Platinum (BBC3), 1

  Pop Idol (ITV1), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  Popstars (ITV), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

  Popstars: The Rivals (ITV1), 1, 2

  pornography: starring clown, set on steamboat, 1;

  broadcast on BBC1, 2;

  starring Ross Kemp, 1;

  as viewed by basement masturbator, 1;

  starring goat, 1;

  set to music, 1

  Pornography: The Musical (C4), 1

  posh people: with infuriating voices, 1;

  playing detective, 2;

  having silly names, copulating loudly in hotel rooms, 1;

  young and loaded, 1;

  considered punchable, 1;

  getting bums out on Big Brother, 1;

  unwashed, 1

  The Powerpuff Girls (Cartoon Network), 1

  President Palmer (24), 1, 2

  Psychic Night (C4), 1

  The Psychic Show (ITV1), 1

  Pushed To The Limit: Britain’s Toughest Family (BBC1), 1

  The Queen: possibly a lizard, 1;

  appeals to delusional idiots, 2;

  wears blank expression on toilet, 1;

  bores nation with Jubilee, 1 ;

  sees Blair’s trousers fall down, 1;

  pitiful viewing preferences of, 1

  A Question Of TV (BBC1), 1

  Rail Cops (BBC1), 1, 2

  Rasputin: penetrates ham sandwich, 1

  Ray Mears’ Extreme Survival (BBC2), 1 />
  Real Sex (Five), 1

  The Real Texas Chain Saw Massacre (C4), 1

  The Real Winona Ryder (C4), 1

  Reborn In The USA (ITV1), 1, 2, 3

  Rice, Anneka, 1

  Richard and Judy (C4), 1

  Ricky Butcher (EastEnders), 1

  Rider, Steve, 1

  Riley, Lisa, 1, 2

  Rippon, Angela, 1

  Rivron, Rowland, 1, 2

  The Robbie Williams Show (BBC1), 1

  Robinson, Anne, 1, 2

  Robson, Bobby, 1

  Rockface (BBC1), 1

  Rogan, Joe, 1

  Rolf Harris At The Royal Albert Hall (BBC1), 1

  Ronson, Jon, 1, 2

  Roslin, Gaby, 1

  Ross, Jonathan: upsets doomed puppeteer, 1

  Ross, Paul: patronising soundbites from, 1;

  advice on avoiding, 2;

  as reliable indicator of quality, 1;

  general sense of unease about, 1;