Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  ‘Stop,’ she barked at Balthasar now as she answered the call. ‘Hello? Clara?’

  ‘Hi, Rebecca.’ The other woman sounded irritatingly calm as if Rebecca’s whole well-being didn’t depend on this call.

  ‘Did you talk to Josie?’

  ‘Yes,’ Clara said. ‘She’s with me right now actually and she’d like to speak to you.’

  ‘Great.’ The word came out as a squeak as Rebecca’s heart contracted so much it hurt. She’d never felt so terrified in her life. ‘Put her on.’

  Rebecca pressed her index finger against her lips telling Balthasar to keep quiet as another voice came onto the line.

  ‘Hi. Rebecca?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, fighting tears at the sound of Josie’s beautiful voice. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m … okay,’ Josie replied. ‘This has been very overwhelming but I’m coming to grips with it. I was wondering if you’d like to meet? Well, I know technically we already have met but properly this time. I’d love to ask you some questions.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Where?’ Balthasar’s dad was due to pick him up in fifteen minutes and she could easily cancel her last two lessons of the day. ‘Would you like to come here or do you want me to come to you?’

  ‘I was thinking maybe we could meet for coffee on the weekend.’

  The weekend? She bit her tongue to stop her sigh of disappointment. The two days left until then felt like an eternity right now. Still, she couldn’t rush Josie. She’d waited thirty-five years, surely another couple of days wouldn’t break her.

  ‘Okay. Great.’ She cringed at the sound of her overly chirpy voice. ‘Saturday or Sunday? I can come to Coogee.’

  ‘That would be great,’ Josie said, and then named a café on Havelock Avenue. ‘How’s ten o’clock Saturday morning?’

  ‘Perfect.’

  Josie offered a short ‘I’ll see you then’ and the line went dead.

  Rebecca stared at the phone in her hand.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Balthasar asked and Rebecca realised she was crying.

  ‘Oh.’ She blinked and snatched a tissue out of the box on top of the piano. ‘Yes. Fine. It’s just allergies. Keep playing.’

  ‘My little brother has allergies to peanuts,’ Balthasar said, his fingers making no move towards the keys. ‘If a peanut even goes near him he could die. Are you going to die?’

  ‘No. Not today anyway.’

  Appeased by her answer, Balthasar began on ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’, getting all the notes wrong and out of order. She should correct him—his parents were paying good money—but she didn’t have the mental energy to do so.

  By the time she emerged from the piano room after two more lessons, she was well and truly craving a stiff drink. She’d been good thus far and managed to steer clear of any alcohol since her diagnosis, but Dr Chopra had said if there was a special occasion one drink shouldn’t do too much harm, as long as it was counted within her normal fluid allowance.

  If finding your long-lost daughter wasn’t a special occasion, Rebecca didn’t know what was.

  However, when she entered the kitchen to find Paige helping Hugh with dinner preparations, her heart leapt and thoughts of a drink faded. If Paige was here for dinner, she couldn’t be too angry.

  ‘Hello, sweetheart,’ she said, crossing the room to hug her daughter. ‘What a lovely surprise.’

  Paige dodged her embrace and looked to Hugh. ‘Do you want me to set the table, Dad?’

  ‘That’d be lovely, thanks hun,’ Hugh said as he turned over the steaks on the electric grill.

  Maybe Rebecca did need that drink after all. She crossed over to the fridge. It would be interesting to see if either her daughter or her husband made comment when she poured herself a glass. If not, she’d know they’d completely given up on her. Yet, when she grabbed the bottle of white wine that had been in the fridge for months, she found it half empty and screwed up her nose in annoyance. This must have been what Paige and Hugh had been drinking the other day when she found them fuming over the letter together and now it would no longer be fresh.

  There was no point in wasting her naughty glass of wine on old goods. She sighed and opted for water instead.

  ‘How was your day, Hugh?’

  ‘Not bad. Busy. What about yours?’

  Although his tone sounded friendly enough, normally when she asked about his day he gave her a lot more—often telling her funny stories about the people he’d had to film.

  ‘The same.’ She took a sip of her water and sat down at the table. ‘I got a phone call from Josie.’

  That got both Hugh and Paige’s attention.

  ‘And?’ they asked as they looked at her properly for the first time since she’d entered the kitchen.

  ‘We’re going to have brunch together on Saturday to get to know each other better.’ That hadn’t exactly been the way Josie had sold it, but Rebecca hoped it was the beginning of some kind of relationship.

  ‘I’m seeing her tomorrow,’ Paige said, and it was like she’d picked up one of the steak knives she’d just laid on the table, plunged it into her mother’s heart and twisted it back and forth.

  ‘That’s great,’ Rebecca managed. ‘You did always want a sister.’

  ‘Yes, and Josie’s great,’ Paige said. ‘But we’ll never be able to make up for all the years you kept us apart.’

  At her daughter’s accusatory tone, the knife went even deeper. Maybe Rebecca deserved Paige’s wrath but it still hurt. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, knowing those two words weren’t even close to being enough. But what else was she supposed to say? She couldn’t rewrite the past, even if she wanted to. And if she did, Paige might not even be here anyway.

  ‘Whatever.’ Paige turned away again. ‘What else can I do to help, Dad?’

  Hugh asked her to mash the potatoes and while they finished prepping the meal, Rebecca racked her mind for something to say. Did her daughter just need time? Rebecca already had to be patient about Josie, she wasn’t sure she had enough in reserve to be patient about Paige as well.

  When the plates were served and Hugh and Paige joined her at the table, she thanked them for the meal and then said, ‘Have your bridesmaids had their fittings for the dresses yet?’

  Paige rewarded her with an icy glare. ‘There might not even be a wedding anymore.’

  ‘What?’ Rebecca dropped her fork to her plate. ‘Why?’ Panic set in at the thought that somehow Paige and Solomon had fallen out because of her.

  ‘I’d rather not talk about it,’ Paige said, before shoving a forkful of mashed potato into her mouth. ‘Yum, Dad, this is delicious.’

  ‘Thank you, sweet pea.’

  Rebecca looked to Hugh for some kind of clarification, but all he said was, ‘Paige is going to stay with us for a couple of days. Her bed’s all made, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course. Although no one’s slept in it for a while, the sheets might be a bit musty. I can put fresh ones for you on after dinner.’

  ‘The sheets will be fine as they are.’

  The table fell quiet again. Rebecca tried to eat but Hugh’s usually delicious mashed potato and gravy felt like she was swallowing gravel.

  ‘How’s the new book going?’ she asked in another attempt at conversation.

  ‘I haven’t written or drawn anything in weeks.’ And Paige’s tone indicated she didn’t want to talk about this either. She snatched up her phone and started tapping away on it.

  Rebecca waited for Hugh to say something—mobiles at the dinner table had always been against the rules, something he’d implemented after filming a segment about family values—but he said not one word.

  ‘Oh wow,’ Paige exclaimed breaking the awkward silence that had descended upon the table.

  ‘What is it?’ Rebecca asked.

  Paige looked to Hugh as if Rebecca wasn’t even there. ‘Josie’s new Facebook page has already been shared over a thousand times.’

  Hugh looked impressed. ‘The power o
f social media never fails to exceed expectations.’

  ‘Um, could one of you please fill me in?’

  Paige let out a sigh as if irritated by this question but replied nonetheless. ‘Josie and her grandmother have started a Facebook campaign to try and find her dad.’

  ‘To find Robbie?’

  ‘Yes,’ Paige said in a tone that said Rebecca was stupid.

  A million thoughts collided in Rebecca’s head. Josie had gone to Brenda before even bothering to call her. She couldn’t make time to meet her until the weekend but she’d already spent who knows how many hours throwing herself into finding her biological father? That hurt. And why was Rebecca the last one to find out about this? Josie had obviously filled Paige in on everything. Even Hugh already knew.

  The answer was crystal clear. Clara. She’d obviously presented Josie with a skewed version of events—no doubt focusing on the ‘poor Robbie’ aspect. She could tell Clara didn’t like her, but Robbie wasn’t the only victim here and Rebecca longed for the chance to plead her case to their daughter.

  Should she beg Josie to meet her sooner than the weekend?

  ‘I can’t believe you never mentioned you knew someone famous,’ Paige accused. ‘That you went out with him. You had a baby with him!’

  That old chestnut again. Rebecca was getting irritated at being the villain here.

  ‘He was hardly famous,’ she snapped.

  ‘I think he had one more hit song than you’ve ever had,’ Paige retorted.

  Once again Rebecca looked to Hugh for support, but once again he didn’t come through. The tears that had never been far away these past few weeks threatened, but she refused to cry in front of them.

  ‘Thanks for dinner,’ she said, pushing back her chair to stand. She scraped her barely touched meal into the bin, dumped the plate into the dishwasher and then stormed off to her bedroom.

  She’d thought Hugh might come after her, but when five minutes passed and neither he nor Paige appeared, Rebecca grabbed her laptop. She’d created a Facebook profile before she’d really thought the decision through. Now all her secrets were out in the open, there was no longer any reason for her not to be there. It was a lot easier than she’d imagined and within ten minutes she was sending friend requests to everyone she knew, including Hugh, Paige and Solomon.

  This time when she searched for Josie, she found her immediately. For a brief moment she wondered why she’d been elusive before but then another quandary took precedence. Would Josie be annoyed if Rebecca requested her friendship? Would she feel it was an invasion of privacy? Would she feel pressured to accept even if she didn’t want to?

  This was so stressful—no wonder she’d stayed away from this world for so long. With a deep breath, she clicked the button to request Josie’s friendship. There. It was done now and the ball was in her court.

  Trying to ignore the loud, erratic beating of her heart, she went on to search for the group or whatever it was that Paige had mentioned. Typing the words ‘Robert Jones Missing Person’ immediately brought up the correct result. She gasped as she clicked the link and a photo of him sitting in front of a birthday cake ready to blow out the big four-oh candles greeted her. Couldn’t they have found a more recent shot?

  He hadn’t aged particularly well but beneath the crusty exterior she could see the boy she’d loved and feelings she’d been battling for years swamped her. She’d tried to put him out of her mind, but he was always there lingering in the crevices. Sometimes when she was making love with Hugh, she even closed her eyes and thought of Robbie instead. Her cheeks heated and guilt filled her heart, but it quickly made way for sadness.

  ‘Oh Robbie. Where are you?’ She reached out and touched her finger to his face on the screen. A tear slipped down her cheek. She’d always felt slightly smug that Rob’s band hadn’t hit the real big time—it had seemed like just deserts for choosing music over her and their baby, which is what she’d always felt he’d done—but now she knew the truth, her heart ached.

  He’d been so talented.

  The last thing he should ever have been was a one-hit wonder.

  The bedroom door opened and she snapped her laptop shut and then swiped at her cheeks.

  Hugh raised an eyebrow. ‘Paige has gone to bed.’ And then he went into their en suite presumably to ready himself for the same.

  Rebecca put her laptop away and waited for him to return.

  The en suite door opened. He padded over to the bed without making eye contact, then climbed under the covers and reached for the Lee Child book on his bedside table.

  ‘So what happened between Sol and Paige?’ she asked.

  Hugh inhaled deeply, exhaled loudly and then snapped the book shut. ‘They argued over your little secret.’

  Her throat tightened. ‘But why?’ She couldn’t work out what bearing this had on her daughter’s and future son-in-law’s relationship.

  ‘Apparently Paige was upset over the discovery you have another child, she has a sister, and Sol wasn’t as supportive as she thinks he should be.’

  Rebecca frowned. ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He seems to believe some secrets are okay in relationships—he stood up for you and got really angry when Paige said she’d retracted his offer of a kidney. He said it wasn’t her decision to make.’

  Rebecca had forgotten about that—her kidney problems had paled in comparison to everything else, if it wasn’t for the reminders in her phone she’d likely have missed dialysis—and guilt swamped her at the realisation that she was the reason for the problems in her daughter’s relationship. Whatever happened, it suddenly became clear that she couldn’t take a kidney from Solomon. She’d go on the deceased donor list; dialysis wasn’t that bad anyway. Right now it was almost preferable to being in her own house; at least at the hospital people didn’t give her the cold shoulder and look at her like she was pond-scum.

  ‘I’m going to talk to her,’ she said, throwing back the covers.

  ‘I wouldn’t advise it. She needs a little time to cool down. You’ve said sorry. What else are you going to say? She’ll talk when she’s ready.’

  Rebecca was torn between heeding his advice and telling him where to go. After an internal debate, she flopped back against her pillows.

  ‘What were you doing on the computer before?’ he asked.

  The question startled her and she floundered around in her head for an answer that wouldn’t upset him.

  ‘I joined Facebook,’ she said because the moment he checked his phone, he’d see her friend request anyway.

  ‘So you could check out your old boyfriend?’ His tone was caustic.

  She felt defensive. ‘Okay, yes, I did check out the page that Josie has set up. Now I know the truth about what happened all those years ago, I’m devastated for Robbie. And I can’t help feeling upset that Josie has gone to all this trouble already to try and find him when she can’t fit me in until the weekend.’

  Hugh didn’t appear to hear this last bit. ‘How am I supposed to compete with a rock star?’

  ‘He’s not a rock star,’ she scoffed, ‘and you’re not competing with anyone. You’re my husband.’

  ‘Yes, but the question is, would I be if your parents hadn’t intervened?’ He looked her right in the eyes as he said this. ‘I’ve always felt I loved you more than you loved me, Rebecca, but all these years I didn’t know why. Now I do.’

  His words stunned her. She’d always overcompensated, making a big show of how happy she was with Hugh, making sure Paige knew her parents loved each other, and he’d never questioned any of it before. Was it true he’d always felt like this?

  In her shock, she took too long to reply.

  Her whispered, ‘That’s ridiculous, I do love you,’ was said to his back and she wasn’t sure it held the conviction it should.

  Paige

  When Paige headed into school on Thursday morning, nerves she hadn’t felt the first time swirled in her stomach. She placed a sweaty hand on her
stomach, trying to fight the nausea that rose within as she waited for Josie to come meet her in reception.

  Yesterday evening she’d led her mum to believe that Josie had contacted her and wanted to meet her today, but that wasn’t exactly the truth. Although Nik had asked them to give Josie space, Paige had already been scheduled in to help the students with their picture book projects today and so yesterday she’d used that as an excuse to reach out to her sister.

  In the light of everything that’s happened, do you still want me to come to school tomorrow? x Paige

  One hundred and twenty excruciating minutes later Josie had called.

  ‘Thanks so much for getting in touch. I had the day off work today but I’ll be back tomorrow and I don’t want to disappoint the kids. They’re really looking forward to working with you again.’

  ‘Okay, great,’ Paige had said, her heart leaping at the fact her sister hadn’t cancelled. Her sister! ‘And … how are you today? I know this is a bit of a shock for all of us.’

  Josie had chuckled lightly. ‘That’s one word for it, but I’m doing better than yesterday.’

  And that’s when she’d filled Paige in on everything and Paige had realised that the adoption shock was only the beginning of the revelations. Perhaps she should have let her mother explain a little more before she’d asked her father to drive her home.

  Yet, although their conversation on the phone had been comfortable enough, Paige was terrified things would have changed between her and Josie now.

  The door to the reception opened and in walked the woman herself—Josie looked pretty much the same as usual, except for her right hand was wrapped in a bandage.

  ‘Hey, Paige,’ she said.

  ‘Hi.’ Paige offered her a tentative smile. The last few times they’d met, they’d greeted each other with an easy hug but neither of them did so today. ‘What did you do to your hand?’