Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  Josie lifted her arm and looked down as if she were seeing her hand for the first time. ‘Oh, this?’ She shrugged. ‘It was a silly accident—I’ll fill you in later. The kids will be waiting.’

  Her introduction was brief, then she gave Paige the nod to start doing the rounds and retreated to her desk.

  Paige had to admit some of the kids had unique and clever ideas—there was a surprising amount of talent among the testosterone and body spray—but she struggled to give them her full attention. Her gaze kept drifting to Josie who was tapping away on her laptop.

  That woman is my sister!

  They’d clicked almost instantly so in some ways this thought wasn’t a stretch of the imagination, but the knowledge left Paige questioning everything she thought she knew. Her whole identity felt as if it had shifted. All these years she’d thought she was an only child and all along her mum had another daughter. She had a sister. She was a sister.

  And her parents’ marriage wasn’t the perfect relationship she’d always thought it to be.

  ‘So do you reckon someone will publish our book?’ asked one of the boys—Paige thought his name was Noah—jolting her from her thoughts.

  She summoned a smile. ‘I love your enthusiasm, but most publishers want to see a finished manuscript not simply an idea from a debut author before they offer a contract.’

  ‘Okay, miss. Promise I’ll do you proud.’

  While Noah got into actual writing, Paige moved onto the next student and tried to focus on them rather than Josie. The period seemed to last forever but finally the siren went and the kids gathered up their things. Within thirty seconds the room was empty, leaving Paige and Josie alone again.

  ‘They’re really great kids. I’m amazed by some of their ideas.’

  ‘The thing about kids is that they—well, at least this bunch—believe they’re awesome and that they can do whatever they set out to do. The real world hasn’t ground them down yet.’

  Paige sighed deeply—until a few days ago, she’d felt like one of these students.

  ‘Thanks for coming in,’ Josie said, starting around the room to pull down the blinds. ‘It really makes a difference for them to have you here—it’s inspiring.’

  ‘It’s my pleasure.’ Paige paused a moment then cleared her throat, which felt as if her heart was lodged there. ‘Have you got time for a quick coffee?’ She sounded like a teenage boy asking his crush to the school ball, but she wanted to know where she stood with Josie. If they were still friends.

  Her sister hesitated a moment, then nodded. ‘That would be great. Give me five to pack my things and I’ll meet you at Harpers by the Beach.’

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ Josie said, when she arrived and flopped into the seat opposite Paige. ‘I got caught up talking to someone at school.’

  ‘It’s fine. I haven’t anywhere else to be.’

  A few moments of uncomfortable silence lingered between them, until Josie finally said, ‘Well, I guess we have a bit to talk about.’

  Relief flooded Paige. ‘Yes. How are you digesting the news?’

  Josie held up her bandaged hand. ‘I freaked out at first, hit the bottle and then burnt and cut my hand trying to make a snack.’

  Paige winced. ‘Ouch.’

  ‘I’m not proud of my behaviour but then I’m not sure how you’re supposed to react when you unexpectedly stumble upon the details of your birth while hanging out with the half-sister you never knew existed.’

  Paige offered a wry smile.

  ‘What about you? What did you do when I fled?’ Josie cringed. ‘And sorry about rushing off and leaving you without a car. I wasn’t thinking straight and it didn’t dawn on me until the next day how selfishly I behaved.’

  ‘It’s fine. I understand. Dad came home not long after and told me everything he knew—he’d only just found out as well. Neither of us can believe Mum kept you a secret all these years. And then she came home and tried to justify her actions. I’ve never felt such fury in my life. I couldn’t listen to another word of her pitiful excuses for what she’d done to you, to us, so Dad took me back to collect my car. Then I drove home and Solomon and I had a massive fight.’

  Paige’s eyes grew suddenly hot and her lungs ached—could they be feeling relayed pain from her heart? She couldn’t just ignore what Solomon had said but how could she let it go either?

  Josie reached her good hand across the table and put it on top of Paige’s. ‘What did you guys fight about?’

  Paige swallowed, choking back tears as she gave her the rundown.

  ‘Sol’s a match for your mother?’

  ‘No.’ Paige explained about the Paired Kidney Exchange Program. ‘It’s the worst fight we’ve ever had, and I think it might be the last. How can I marry a man who has such fundamentally different views on marriage to me?’

  ‘Men.’ Josie shook her head in sympathy and retrieved her hand.

  ‘Yes.’ Paige rolled her eyes and tried to laugh. ‘Anyway, I still can’t believe Mum kept you a secret all this time. I’m sorry. If I’d known you existed, I’d have looked for you years ago.’

  ‘I’ve known there’s a possibility you existed for a long time,’ Josie said, her tone almost apologetic. ‘I knew my biological parents had me in their teens and that there was a chance at least one of them had other kids, but I never wanted to look.’

  ‘Never?’ Paige couldn’t imagine being able to live with such a mystery. ‘Didn’t you wonder what your folks were like? Didn’t you want answers to so many questions? Not knowing would have driven me insane.’

  ‘No. It might sound hard to believe but I never did. I had a great childhood and I felt very close to my adoptive parents—I didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardise that.’ She paused as a waiter with a hipster beard and thick-rimmed black glasses arrived at their table.

  ‘Are you ladies going to order drinks?’ Although he smiled and sounded chirpy enough, the message was clear—if they weren’t going to buy something, they shouldn’t be occupying a table.

  ‘Oh, sorry.’ Josie made a move to stand. ‘What can I get you, Paige?’

  ‘I’ll have a hot chocolate, please.’

  The waiter held a hand out to Josie indicating she should sit. ‘It’s okay, we don’t usually do table service, but I’ll put your order in and bring your drinks over. Looks like you’re deep in important conversation.’

  He had no idea.

  They both uttered their thanks and Josie sat down again. ‘I guess I thought if my parents wanted to find me they would, but that if I went looking there was the chance I might discover something I’d rather not know.’

  ‘Like what?’ Paige asked.

  ‘Like I had drug addicts or serial killers for parents. Or that I was the product of rape. That my parents were dead or …’

  ‘Missing?’ Paige prompted when Josie didn’t finish her sentence.

  Josie nodded. ‘And I guess my worries were warranted, because my father turns out to be a depressed alcoholic and my mother is fighting a serious illness. Not exactly rainbows and unicorns.’

  ‘Well at least you’re doing something to find him,’ Paige said, not really knowing what to say to that. ‘I shared your Facebook page.’

  ‘Thanks. I saw.’

  ‘I don’t suppose you’ve had any leads yet?’

  Josie shook her head. ‘No, but I shared the page to a whole host of news and current affairs shows and have sent messages to their enquiries pages, asking if any of them would be interested in doing a story on Robbie—his music career, the adoption and the fact he’s missing.’

  ‘That’s a great idea.’

  Josie’s shoulders sagged a little. ‘I know it’s early days but I haven’t heard back from any of them. I have to admit I thought people would be more interested, what with Robbie being famous and everything.’

  Paige didn’t admit that although she knew One Track Mind’s hit song, she wouldn’t have been able t
o name the band it belonged to. She so desperately wanted to do something to make her new sister happy. ‘I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but my dad works for Channel Seven. I could ask if he had any contacts who might be able to do that?’

  Josie’s eyes lit up. ‘You think he’d help?’

  Paige swallowed. She wasn’t sure how keen he’d be to help find his wife’s first love, but she also knew he could never bear saying no to anything she asked. ‘Of course he will,’ she said—and if not, she’d go into the station and convince his colleagues herself.

  ‘Thank you, Paige. I don’t really know what else we can do.’

  Paige glowed inside. ‘It’s my pleasure. I’ll talk to him tonight.’

  Josie’s expression turned serious. ‘I think you and Sol will get through this, but do you think he’ll stay on the kidney exchange program with Rebecca if you do break up?’

  Paige shrugged. ‘Probably. He’s like a bloody saint. If Jesus were alive, Sol would give him a run for his money.’

  Josie snorted. ‘Saint Solomon. It has a nice ring to it.’

  But Paige wasn’t in the mood to laugh. ‘Why?’ she asked.

  ‘Why what?’

  ‘Why do you ask if Sol will still donate?’

  Josie glanced down at the table. ‘You said there were no family donors? I can’t help thinking that maybe the only reason Rebecca looked for me was because of the kidney, if she hoped maybe I’d be a familial match?’

  ‘I asked her that too,’ Paige admitted, her heart aching for Josie. ‘Mum’s adamant that’s not the reason she requested the information, but I don’t blame you for being sceptical. She says you’re going to see her on the weekend?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You don’t sound all that excited about the meeting.’

  ‘I’ll be honest,’ Josie said. ‘I don’t know how to feel about Rebecca. The position of mother is already taken in my heart.’

  While part of Paige understood, there was one thing she didn’t quite comprehend. ‘But you’re going to great lengths to find Robbie,’ she said. ‘Don’t you have such a great relationship with your adoptive father?’

  ‘No. No, it’s nothing like that,’ Josie rushed to assure her. ‘I adore my dad. But Robbie always wanted to find me. Your grandparents threatened him with prison if he didn’t let me go and he never got over that.’

  Paige gasped and pressed her hand against her heart. ‘Prison?’

  ‘Yes. Your mum was underage when they slept together.’ Before Paige could even begin to try and digest this news about her beloved grandparents, Josie added, ‘Brenda and Clara both confirm that he’s lived his whole life thinking about me, whereas Rebecca had spent hers hiding me.’

  Her dad had told her this part and while she couldn’t argue with the facts, it was still awful to hear about her grandparents being the villains in this story. She’d been so angry at her mother, but for the first time, she felt some of that anger towards her grandparents instead.

  ‘I also want to find him for Brenda, for his mother. She’s such a sweet lady and she deserves to know what has happened to her son.’

  ‘I understand. And I’m sorry.’

  ‘None of this is your fault. One of the best things in all of this is that we’ve found each other.’

  Paige held her breath as she said, ‘So you want us to be in each other’s lives?’

  Josie gave her a look. ‘I thought I’d already made that clear. Things are complicated with Rebecca and weird with Robbie, but it’s different with you and Brenda. I knew you both before this revelation and I’d already begun to fall in love with you guys. Sure, it’s weird adjusting to the knowledge that we’re related but I want you both in my life. You and me? We’re sisters. That’s if you want us to be.’

  ‘I do,’ Paige whispered, a tear escaping as her lips cracked a smile. ‘I definitely do.’

  ‘Good.’ Josie’s eyes were also glistening and she grinned as she reached across the table and took hold of Paige’s hand again. ‘It’ll be okay. This has been a shock but we’ll work through it—you’ll set things straight with Solomon. While I don’t agree with him on the secrets in marriages thing, he has got a lot of other good points and I’m sure you can educate him. But you guys are too good together to throw your future away on your first serious fight. Trust me, relationships are hard, life is hard and it’s probably gonna throw a whole lot more drama at you.’

  Paige knew Josie wasn’t talking about the whole adoption surprise now, but about her miscarriages and her yearning to have a baby with Nik. This may have been the first real speed-bump in her relationship with Sol, but she suddenly knew that there was no one she’d rather ride life’s highs and lows with than him.

  ‘So you think I overreacted as well?’ she asked.

  Josie shrugged. ‘I think you acted in shock. We both did.’

  ‘And maybe I owe Sol an apology?’

  ‘I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I think it’s definitely worth talking to him a bit more before turning your back on him. Believe me, good men aren’t that easy to come by. We all make mistakes and in the end we’re also allowed differences of opinion, even with those we love—life would be pretty boring if we all thought the same about everything, don’t you think?’

  Paige nodded. ‘And I think you just offered me your first bit of sisterly advice.’

  ‘I did, didn’t I?’ Josie grinned and sat up proud and tall. ‘How’d I do?’

  ‘Well, if I were a teacher and marking your efforts, I’d give you an A-plus.’

  They both laughed, then Paige said, ‘If Solomon still wants to marry me after all this, will you be my chief bridesmaid?’

  ‘Oh Paige.’ Josie covered her mouth with her hand and took a few moments before adding, ‘There’s no if about it and I’d be delighted.’

  Clara

  Shadow barked as Clara approached Gregg’s front door on Friday afternoon. She smiled at the sound—she wasn’t sure what reception she was going to get from his owner, but at least she knew the dog would be happy to see her. Clutching a Tupperware container with the second carrot cake she’d made this week to her chest, she lifted her free hand to ring the doorbell.

  She didn’t have to wait long before the door opened and a bundle of black fur burst from inside, almost knocking her onto the ground.

  ‘Oh Shadow, it’s lovely to see you too,’ she laughed as she tried to regain her balance and keep hold of the cake, all the while looking up to try and gauge Gregg’s response.

  ‘This is a surprise.’ The fact he didn’t say ‘nice surprise’ left an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  They hadn’t seen each other since his hasty departure after dropping her back at her house on Tuesday. After her thwarted attempt to apologise Wednesday morning, she’d called him last night to fill him in, but the call had gone straight to voicemail, so she’d decided to land unannounced today and try her luck.

  ‘I remember you saying how much you like carrot cake,’ she said, holding out the container like some kind of peace offering.

  ‘Thanks.’ Gregg took it with a nod. ‘I do. Would you like to come inside and have a slice with me?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I would.’ She smiled her relief—for a few moments there she’d thought he was going to send her and the cake on their not-so-merry way.

  Gregg stepped aside to let her in but Shadow had other ideas; he was still jumping up all over her, sniffing and licking as if it were an event in the canine Olympics and he was in serious training.

  Gregg chuckled. ‘Looks like Shadow missed you.’

  ‘Only Shadow?’ She sounded needy even to her own ears but she couldn’t resist the question.

  ‘I may have missed you too,’ he conceded with a near-invisible nod of his head.

  Feeling bold, Clara used this little nugget of encouragement to step close, stretch up on her tippy-toes and kiss him on the lips. His mouth felt warm and familiar and although it had only been three days since
they’d departed the ship, it almost felt like decades since she’d seen him. She sighed in happiness as his arms came around her and he deepened the kiss and she didn’t even care about the Tupperware container digging into her back.

  Clara found herself thinking that maybe they should migrate to the bedroom for what the young folks called ‘make-up sex’ when Shadow nudged his way in between them. They both laughed and pulled back.

  ‘I think the dog thinks you came for him,’ Gregg said.

  Clara smiled and reached down to ruffle Shadow’s fur. ‘Maybe I did, but the cake I made for you. It’s an apology.’

  ‘It’s alright, I was probably unfair. I think the nerves and the adrenaline were playing havoc with my head. And I guess I was a little bit jealous that you chose Rob over me.’

  She appreciated Gregg’s words, but he was not the one in the wrong here. ‘That’s sweet of you. I was really excited about being there but my mind wasn’t fully on the cruise. And you’ve got to believe me, it wasn’t that I chose Rob over you but I couldn’t get the revelation about his baby out of my head. I wasn’t thinking straight when I thought I saw him and I lost my head a moment. That was unfair to you, to us, but I’ve taken steps to fix that and I promise that your next live gig, I’ll be there with bells on. I’ll even bring my whole family along as a cheer squad.’

  ‘That will require a pretty big venue,’ he said with a chuckle, and then nodded towards the kitchen. ‘Come on. I’ll put the kettle on.’

  Clara nodded, trying to swallow her disappointment at his suggestion. The kiss had awoken her libido and she’d been hoping they could talk in the bedroom after she’d given him a different kind of apology altogether. She made a mental note that if she ever needed to grovel to Gregg again, she’d dig out some fancy lingerie—not that lacy knickers had ever really been her style—rather than her baking utensils.

  Gregg gestured for Clara to go down the hallway ahead of him. Shadow, twigging that there might about to be food on offer, rushed ahead of the both of them.