Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  ‘Take a seat,’ Gregg said, nodding towards the bar stools at his kitchen counter as he put down the Tupperware and went for the kettle.

  ‘Can I get plates for the cake or anything?’

  ‘No, just sit,’ he said, and so she did as she was told.

  Gregg’s kitchen was clean, tidy and well-ordered and she knew from experience that it wasn’t because he didn’t use it. No, he was a skilled cook—she’d been treated to his culinary talents—and he pulled out fine china plates now to put the cake on. She had similar plates at her place but in all the years they’d been married, Rob had never used them—he probably hadn’t even known where they were kept. These differences between her ex-husband and her new man kept popping into her head and she wished they’d just bugger off.

  Of course they were different—that was the point. Gregg was ten times the man Rob was.

  ‘What did you mean when you said you’ve taken steps towards getting Robert’s dramas out of your head?’ Gregg asked as he made her tea in exactly the way he knew she liked it.

  Heat rushed to Clara’s cheeks—could he read her mind? She was unsure how to answer, until she remembered what she’d said to him in the hall only a few minutes earlier.

  ‘Oh.’ She couldn’t help sighing in relief and immediately hoped he didn’t notice. ‘Well, after missing your gig on the ship, I realised that I couldn’t just pretend I didn’t know about the connection between Josie and Brenda—Rob’s mother—when I was the one who’d introduced them. I knew that until it was out in the open, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else—like us.’ She smiled. ‘So, that morning when we got back, I called Rebecca and told her to tell Josie the truth or I would.’

  ‘I see.’ Gregg sounded impressed. He pushed a fine china cup and saucer that matched the plates towards her and then picked up a knife to slice the cake. ‘And, has she?’

  ‘In the end, she didn’t get the chance. Josie found out herself.’

  ‘What?’

  And while she filled Gregg in on Paige and Josie’s discovery of the letter, he cut a portion of cake for each of them.

  ‘Geez,’ he said when she’d finished. ‘And how did the two of them take that?’

  ‘They were both in shock—obviously Josie knew she was adopted but she’d never attempted to search for her biological parents and Paige had no idea her mother had ever had another child.’

  ‘Things like that always come out in the wash eventually,’ he said. ‘So do you feel better, less crazy, now it’s all out in the open?’

  She laughed. ‘Much.’ And then took a satisfying sip of her tea; it was starting to go cold but that didn’t matter—the most important thing was that she and Gregg were talking again.

  ‘How did Josie react about Robert?’

  ‘Actually, considering how emotional she already was when I told her, she took it surprisingly well. She wanted to go round and tell Brenda immediately and it was quite beautiful watching the two of them realise what they were to each other.’

  Gregg was quiet, then, ‘Hang on. Why did you tell Josie? Wasn’t it Rebecca’s place to do so?’

  ‘Well, she would have told her if it had all happened properly, but as Rob’s name isn’t on the birth certificate, Josie didn’t find out about him in the letter. Rebecca called me to tell me that she knew and asked me to go check she was okay. Of course Josie wondered how I knew what was going on and that’s when I had to give her the truth about her father.’

  ‘Poor girl.’ Gregg shook his head. ‘Must have been a shock to find out that her father is a missing person.’

  ‘Yes, but I think it helped Josie to learn that Rob never wanted to give her up, that he never forgot her and always wanted to find her. And now she’s determined to find him.’ Clara couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice. ‘We’ve launched a Facebook page to look for him and Josie’s hoping to speak to the media and get some attention that way.’

  ‘We?’ Gregg asked. He’d been reaching for another slice of cake but he dropped his hand to the bench. ‘I thought the idea of telling Josie the truth was that she and Brenda would have each other and you’d be free of the whole situation? Free to move on, to focus on other things.’

  Clara blinked, not sure what to say. How could she explain that she couldn’t just turn her back on Josie now? Not after all they’d been through together. ‘Yes, I know and I will, but Josie and I have become friends—she’s almost like the daughter I never had. I can’t just—’

  ‘She’s Rebecca’s daughter,’ Gregg interrupted. ‘Rebecca and your ex-husband’s.’

  Clara felt heat rush to her cheeks. ‘I know that,’ she said, ‘but right now she needs emotional support as she comes to terms with her situation. I can’t just abandon her and Brenda.’

  ‘So, how long does this go on for? What happens when—if—Robert is found. Are you just going to step back out of Josie’s life then?’

  ‘I guess that will depend on the outcome.’ She swallowed. ‘I hope he’s found and that the two of them have the chance to develop a relationship. I hope finding out about Josie gives Rob the motivation he needs to get the help I’ve always wanted him to get, but he’s an alcoholic and Josie might still need support to deal with that.’

  ‘Right,’ Gregg said, and Clara couldn’t read his tone but the way he folded his arms across his chest told her pretty much everything she needed to know.

  Still, she asked, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘You said you’ve had enough of all the drama associated with Robert,’ he said, ‘but it seems to me you keep chasing after it. You’ve told Brenda and Josie they’re related now, that could be it, but instead, you’ve got caught up in some kind of campaign to find your ex-husband. It makes me wonder if it’s really Josie you want to find him for or yourself?’

  ‘Well, of course I want to find him,’ she snapped. ‘This is why I’m in support of this campaign. We all deserve to know—one way or the other—but it doesn’t have to come between us. Not now it’s all out in the open.’

  ‘Am I just expected to stand by while you throw your heart and soul into finding your ex-husband?’

  ‘You make it sound like I’m going to set out on an expedition and search the country by foot, looking far and wide for him. I’m not doing any such thing—I’m simply sharing a few Facebook posts for Josie and supporting her and Brenda through the search.’ She threw her hands up in the air. ‘Was all you said about everyone our age having baggage and you being okay with that a lie?’

  ‘I’m okay with baggage, Clara—truly I am—but I’m not okay with competing with a ghost, especially one who might not even be dead!’

  She flinched. ‘You’re not competing with Rob. We broke up years ago.’

  ‘And yet,’ he shook his head sadly, ‘he’s still very much a part of your life. You can’t seem to let him go. I’m sorry, but I already care about you a great deal and I’m not prepared to risk my heart on someone whom I don’t think is as invested in me as I am in them. I spent my whole marriage not being someone’s first choice and I’m not going to waste the last years or decades of my life in another relationship where I don’t come first in my partner’s life.’

  ‘What are you saying?’ she whispered.

  ‘You’re already first to me, Clara. Can you say the same about me? Do you choose us or do you choose them?’

  She couldn’t believe he was actually giving her a choice—no, an ultimatum.

  Part of Clara didn’t think this was fair, but another part wanted to tell Gregg that she would put him first—she wanted this, she really wanted the normal, drama-free relationship he was offering—but if she turned her back on Josie and Rob, she wouldn’t simply be choosing Gregg. She would be denying the essence of herself. Gregg said he cared about her but he cared about the person he wanted her to be, not the person she was.

  And thus, she couldn’t give him the answer he was looking for. ‘This is me, Gregg,’ she said simply as tears came t
o her eyes. ‘Apparently it’s always been my biggest flaw, but I can’t help it—I help the people I care about. It’s who I am. If you can’t accept that, then I guess we don’t have a future after all.’

  Gregg nodded, sighed and offered her a sad smile. ‘I’m sorry, Clara.’

  ‘So am I,’ she said, sliding off the bar stool and collecting her bag off the end of the bench.

  Gregg and Shadow saw her to the door—even Shadow seemed to have lost his zest as if he understood what was happening.

  Gregg leant forward and gave her a brief but tight hug as they stood in the open doorway. ‘Goodbye, Clara. And good luck.’

  ‘You too, Gregg. I hope to see your name in lights one day.’ She couldn’t help the tears. It had been pretty near perfect while it lasted. In the end, she wasn’t sure who dumped who, but it didn’t really matter. Again ‘dumped’ wasn’t a word that seemed to suit their generation, but she certainly felt bereft by what had just happened. Maybe she was stupid choosing Josie over Gregg—maybe Rebecca and Josie would hit it off and Josie would no longer need her—but, beneath the surface, this wasn’t what this was about.

  ‘Thanks.’

  She stooped down and ruffled Shadow’s ears for the last time. ‘Goodbye, Shadow.’

  Clara was halfway to Siobhan’s house when her mobile rang. The number that flashed up on the car stereo screen was her real estate agent’s. She sniffed furiously and tried to swallow her tears as she accepted the call. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi Clara,’ boomed the agent—he didn’t seem to have it in him to talk quietly. ‘Good news. I’ve got a buyer for your house.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Indeed I do!’ When he told her the offer, she couldn’t believe her ears. It was well above what she’d told him she’d consider. And a real boon in the cooling housing market.

  ‘Wow,’ she managed, while silently wondering what she’d been thinking. Looked like she may have lost her boyfriend and her house in the space of a day; no, an hour! Where was she going to live?

  The agent gave her the details and said he’d email her the paperwork to sign. ‘Unless you want to take it to auction after all?’ But he laughed as if she’d be stupid to do so when the offer on the table was already so good.

  ‘No, that will be fine,’ Clara told him.

  She’d barely disconnected the call when her phone rang again. ‘What now?’ she muttered as she glanced down to check the caller ID. Josie.

  Despite the fact she’d just broken up with Gregg because of the arrival of this woman in her life, her heart leapt.

  ‘Guess what?’ Josie exclaimed, the second Clara answered the phone.

  ‘What?’ Clara asked, a tingle of something sparking in her chest at the excitement in her friend’s voice.

  ‘This Is Sydney are going to do a story on Robbie!’

  ‘Seriously? Oh my goodness, that’s wonderful.’ Perhaps it was her age, but she still had more faith in the power of TV than she did in the power of social media.

  ‘I know nothing might come of it, but it feels right to try. Nik’s working tonight so I’m going round to Brenda’s to watch Flashdance. We were wondering if you’d like to come and join us?’

  ‘You know what? That would be great. And I’ve just found out I’ve sold my house, so I’m in the mood for celebration.’

  Rebecca

  Saturday morning, Rebecca awoke to the aroma of coffee on her bedside table and sat bolt upright in bed. Panic set her heart racing.

  ‘What time is it?’ she called out to Hugh, who was already retreating from the bedroom and then immediately kicked herself for not first saying ‘thank you’.

  ‘Thanks,’ she added hastily as he turned slowly.

  ‘You’re welcome.’ He offered her a small smile. ‘It’s only eight-thirty. You’ve still got an hour before you have to … go out.’

  Thank God. She let her head fall against the back of the bed as she reached out like a zombie for the mug and took a long, satisfying sip.

  ‘I didn’t want to wake you any earlier as I know how restless your night was.’

  Restless slumber was her norm these days, but last night had been particularly bad. Rebecca had tried not to toss and turn, not wanting to disturb Hugh, however she’d obviously failed dismally in this task.

  ‘Sorry.’ It felt like a word she’d been saying an awful lot lately. Maybe she should get it stamped in permanent ink across her forehead. ‘I should have slept in the spare room.’

  He shrugged. ‘It’s fine.’

  But things between them felt anything but fine. And the fact he’d known she couldn’t sleep and hadn’t asked if she wanted to talk about it only reaffirmed this. They were like flatmates who only had enough money for one bed so shared under duress. The morning coffee he delivered her now felt more like a habit than the devotion it had once been. He asked her about her day but they made small talk rather than deep and meaningful conversation and she couldn’t help feeling on edge around him. They didn’t feel even anymore. Her actions had hurt him big-time. Although she hadn’t had an affair, Rebecca’s secret had caused the kind of rift she imagined infidelity might and she almost wished Hugh would do something crazy like go sleep with someone else to even the playing field.

  But that wasn’t his style—he was noble, solid and dependable, which only made her feel worse.

  ‘What have you got planned today?’ she asked, perhaps a tad too brightly.

  ‘Not much. Thought I might take Molly for a walk and go buy the paper.’

  ‘Sounds good,’ she replied, almost wishing she could offer to go with him.

  ‘I’ll let you get ready,’ he said and started to go.

  Her heart sank—this polite conversation was really getting her down—but just as he reached the bedroom door, he turned back. ‘Good luck with Josie today.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Rebecca said as he retreated. Her words came out barely more than a whisper and she had to squeeze her eyes together to stop from crying. His few words meant a lot but there was no time for tears right now.

  Hugh whistled for Molly. Rebecca heard him chatting to the dog downstairs as he clicked on the leash. She downed a few more mouthfuls of coffee and then threw back the bedcovers. He might think an hour was more than enough time to get ready and go meet Josie, but she did not want to be late. Although she’d technically met her daughter before, that day seemed so long ago now and this was the first time they were going to be face to face alone. Her insides twisted with a mixture of terror and excitement.

  She longed for things to go well and she hoped for them to develop some kind of relationship, but understood that this too might take time.

  Baby steps—just the same as with Hugh and Paige.

  With that thought, she stripped bare and showered in record time, before putting on the clothes she’d laid out last night. In the end, she’d gone with a pair of smart capris, a floaty top and her old faithful denim jacket. She slipped on her loafers and then looked at her reflection in the mirror. Did she look too casual? If Josie was feeling anything like Rebecca she probably wouldn’t even notice what she was wearing, but suddenly Rebecca decided sandals would work better with her outfit.

  Her shoes were in a bit of a mess in the walk-in robe and it was only after she’d rummaged through the pile that she remembered she’d packed away her sandals and other summer shoes for the winter. They were stored along with the rest of her and Hugh’s summer clothes in Paige’s old bedroom.

  She hurried into Paige’s room—considering she’d only stayed there for one night, it was a mess, but even if Rebecca wanted to get angry about it, she couldn’t, because her daughter was still giving her the silent treatment. She tried not to dwell on this; the important thing was that Paige had moved back in with Solomon, which meant she could tick Paige-and-Sol-problems off her list of things currently giving her an ulcer. As if she needed any more health issues than the whopping one she already had.

  Rebecca thanked the gods when she
found the sandals easily and was slipping them onto her feet when she noticed something amiss.

  The wedding dress was gone!

  Her heart stalled. For the past few weeks the dress had been hanging in Paige’s old wardrobe because she didn’t want to have it at home in case Solomon saw it in the flesh.

  Knowing it was futile—a wedding dress was hard to miss—Rebecca quickly rifled through everything else in the walk-in robe in case she’d missed it. Which of course she hadn’t.

  So where the hell is it?

  Had someone stolen it? No, that was absurd. Who would break into their house and steal a thirty-year-old wedding dress? Rebecca placed a hand against her racing heart; Paige must have taken it when she left. But this thought didn’t placate her anxiety at all.

  The wedding wasn’t for a few weeks, so why would she have done such a thing? Had she taken it back to Josie? Was the wedding off, after all?

  Oh Lord. She’d never forgive herself if that were the case.

  Or maybe Paige had simply decided that she didn’t want to wear it. Maybe she no longer wanted to wear her mother’s dress, because she no longer wanted anything to do with her mother.

  Trying to ignore the sensation of acid burning in her stomach, Rebecca raced back into the bedroom and snatched her mobile phone off the bedside table. But Rebecca’s call went straight to voicemail. Paige never switched off her phone—not even when she went to the movies. It always had to be on silent, just in case. Heaven forbid she might miss a new Facebook notification.

  Of course, she was still avoiding her!

  Rebecca tried Sol next but his phone was also switched off—she got his usual message about probably being at work and him calling back as soon as he could. She didn’t leave a message but tried Hugh instead. Maybe he’d been home when Paige had taken the dress. Five seconds later she heard her husband’s phone ringing in the kitchen. She went out hoping to meet him back from his walk, only to discover he’d left his mobile on the table.

  Damn him! Didn’t anybody understand the concept of a mobile phone?