The One I Need

by Alivia Grayson

  She's happy to eat solid food and drink cows milk.

  “You're such a good girl, Ember,” I tell her while wiping the stray oatmeal off her face. She shows her little white teeth to me as she smiles so beautifully. I kiss her head before placing her plastic duck on the highchair tray.

  I get out of my seat to take the breakfast dishes to the sink when she yells, “Da Da!” My heart lunges to my stomach. I should have seen this coming. Should have foreseen it. I didn't. “Da Da!” She yells while banging her tray with her little hands.

  I turn and smile at her. I'm not going to make a big deal of this. He's gone, it's just her and me now, she'll get used to him being gone. As will I.

  I didn't go home last night. Call it anger, call it pride. Either way, I didn't go home. I left her alone when I shouldn't have. She needed me and I wasn't there for her.

  Where was I?

  Drinking my fill in a damn titty bar. Of all the places I could have gone to it had to be there. Not the same one Nova found me in yesterday, I don't think I'll be welcome there for a while. Doesn't matter that the place belongs to the club.

  I sat at that bar and shamelessly watched the girls shaking their asses for money. I felt a little stir below my belt, I'm a man, not a monk. I ain't dead either. But the second one of the girls came over to me, straddled my lap and began gyrating, I knew I was in the wrong place. Being angry with Nova didn't give me the right to have some other woman all over me. Especially one wearing nothing but a thong.

  I pushed the girl off me, I didn't even know her name. She tried to talk me into staying, she could give me everything I've ever dreamed of, she said. There is no woman on earth who could compare to Nova. No woman could do to me what she can.

  I left that place and went straight to the clubhouse, where I drank half a bottle of Jack and then passed out in one of the bedrooms. I made damn sure to lock the door first. You never can tell which whore will sneak into your room when you're intoxicated and suck your dick, claiming you promised them the world. Not happening to me.

  I woke up this morning with a banging head. Self-inflicted, of course. Prez sent me straight out on a job with Mike of all people. Fuckin' cunt could've killed Nova!

  As if she hadn't done enough for one day. Killing a man and then fighting another. I just don't know what the fuck got into her. What the hell was she trying to prove?

  “She gave better than she got, you know?”

  I turn my head in Mike's direction. We're parked outside Dugans having just collected this month’s payment for protection from the old guy inside. Dugans is a restaurant in the heart of town. Does pretty well. Needs to if the old guy is to pay us protection money and Draven Vidal.

  “I'm not talkin' about this with you, Mike. All it will do is piss me off even more, and then I'm liable to put a bullet in your fuckin' head.”

  “Brother,” he laughs, “ain't no need for you to get all up in my face. I know you think you need to protect her, but that girl is quite capable of taking care of herself. Maybe you should embrace it instead of fighting her on it. Woman like that? One in a million. You don't wanna piss her off or lose her. Because believe me, someone else will snap her up in a heartbeat.”

  “Why don't you shut the fuck up and take that package back to Shepard.” He laughs and yells something over the rumble of my bike, but I can't hear it and I won't ask him to repeat it. I just take off and head for home.

  I need to speak with Nova. I need her to know that I don't want her to change, but I have to know what she's keeping from me. Something about her doesn't ring true. What young mother knows how to kill? What young mother knows how to beat a man, to keep up with him in a damn boxing ring? Like Mike said: one in a million.

  She's not home when I get there. In fact, she's nowhere. Believe me, I've looked. She ain't with Lynette and she ain't left Ember with her either. But it doesn't take me long after to find her. I'm riding past the park when I spot her. She's pushing a happily squealing Ember in a baby swing.

  Parking my bike, I make my way over to her. She knows I'm here but she doesn't acknowledge me. Ember has other ideas.

  “Da Da!” Halts me in my fuckin' tracks. She's never called me that before. Hell, I never even thought about her calling me that. I don't know where she learned it. But fuck if it don't make my heart swell.

  “No, Ember, that's not your daddy. That's just a man who used to care about you.” There's no emotion in Nova's words or tone of voice. But still, telling Ember such a thing is fuckin' low!

  “Don't say that shit to her!”

  “I'll say what the hell I want, Haiden.” The emphasis on my real name irks the shit outta me. “What the hell do you want all of a sudden?”

  “We need to talk.”

  “There's nothing to talk about.”

  There's a lot to talk about, the stubborn bitch.

  Ember reaches for me, Da Da falling off her tongue repeatedly. Really does make my fuckin' heart soar to hear her calling me daddy.

  I take a step to collect her. “Don't bother.” I stop dead just short of her. “You don't get to do this, Tank.”

  “I know you're mad at me, Nova...”

  “You know nothing.” She cuts me off while pushing the swing to stop Ember from crying. “You were the one who chose to act like a petulant child and stay away from us last night. You sure do like those whore bars, Tank.”

  Fuck!

  “Nova...” How the hell does she know?

  “Don't lower yourself, Tank, I'm not interested.” She still hasn't looked at me. The problem is, she doesn't even look angry. I don't know what's worse, angry Nova or calm Nova.

  Women are scary creatures at the best of times, but pissing one off and then have her talk to you calmly is not a good sign. Even worse when this woman killed one man and then beat the shit out of another within the space of two hours. She might just... Never mind.

  “There was a lot for me to get my head around, Nova. Yesterday was...”

  “Just another day in my life.” Finally, she looks at me! She's so beautiful. Even wearing simple jeans – yes, the tight kind – and a plain white t-shirt, she's beautiful. And it's only now I notice she's not wearing her leather.

  “Why did you have to walk away from me? Why couldn't you just be a man and let me explain?”

  “You killed a man, Nova, like a fuckin' professional! Then you jump into a goddamn boxing ring and fight another like you're a fuckin' professional at that too. Excuse me if I didn't fall at your damn feet and worship you for it!”

  “I never asked you to. I just wanted you to understand.”

  “Understand what, Nova?! That you didn't trust me to protect you?” I shouldn't be shouting like this in front of Ember, she's a child, no kid should see their parents fighting. But we need to get this out right now!

  “It was my fight, Tank! I had to finish what he started. Don't you see that?”

  “How can I when I don't even know who it was you killed!” And I don't. Still. None of us do.

  “Why don't you shout a little louder, I don't think they heard you in Florida!” She grabs Ember out of her swing and rests her on her hip.

  “Why do you hide yourself from me, Nova?”

  “You're really asking me that?” Her sexy eyebrows raise sarcastically. Damn, she's hot when she's mad. “I could never tell you who I really am. You had but a glimpse yesterday and you freaked out.”

  “Can you blame me after what you did?”

  “You are not the man I thought you were, Tank. There are things I have done that you wouldn't understand. I can't trust you to be there for me when I really need you.”

  “Nova, I freaked out, yes. But you knocked me the fuck out instead of trusting me to help you.”

  “It wasn't your fight. I was protecting you.”

  “From what?!” I yell so loudly in frustration that Ember starts to cry while turning in her mother’s arms. Nova shushes her, kisses her head, and tells her it's okay.

  “From my
past, Tank. I may not have been the best mother to Ember in the beginning, but I have always protected her. That monster from last night, he deserved what he got. He followed me here, telling me he'd come to take Ember. No one will take her from me!” She clings tighter to Ember.

  “I know that, Nova.” God, I want to reach for her, hold her, make all of this go away.

  “That monster raped and tortured me, Tank.”

  I suck in a sharp breath.

  Fuck!

  That was one of the cunts who attacked her! Motherfucker! Now I really wish she'd given me the chance to deal with that cunt myself!

  “Him and his friends, and his brother... Who, for the record, I also killed last night.” What the actual fuck did she just say to me? My head is spinning!

  “Don't look at me like that, Tank. Every last sonofabitch who hurt me that night has paid for his part in it. You have no clue what that night was like for me! It was the worst night of my life! Then they show up here to finish what they started, take my daughter from me! No, I couldn't let that happen. So excuse me if I don't care about your dented pride. Ember is all that matters to me, and I will do what I have to do to keep her safe.”

  “But you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you, for both of you.”

  “I am far from the weak woman you had me down for. I won't be that woman.”

  I know she won't. Nova is something special, something to be praised. She's not the kind of woman you underestimate. I did, I'll regret that for the rest of my life. But I'll also spend my life making it up to her. I just have to embrace the powerful woman she is, and be proud that she's mine.

  “Baby, I'm sorry.” I reach for her, she retracts.

  “Please don't touch me, Tank.” She pulls Ember closer, protecting herself from me. “Ember and I are leaving tonight.”

  “What?” Hell, no! “What the hell do you mean?”

  “I mean, we're leaving. You and I are over. I won't be with a man who runs from what and who I am the way you do.”

  “You really think I'll let you walk away from me like this?”

  “Yes! You don't have a choice!”

  “Wanna bet?” I will not let her walk away from me!

  I walk to her quickly so she can't walk away. I take her shoulders gently, I know she won't want to scare Ember, so she'll stand right here and listen to every damn word I have to say! “I love you, Nova. Jesus Christ, I love you so fuckin' much! I get why you did what you did to those monsters, and I admit that I didn't handle yesterday very well, and for that, I am sorry. But don't run because of it.”

  “I'm not running, simply moving on.”

  Why does she always have to act so tough?

  Why can't she just let me in?

  “Is that what you really want?” I implore her to say no, but the determined look in her eyes tells me all I need to know. Nova Jackson is no longer mine. She's going to walk away with Ember and start a new life somewhere else, with someone else. And there ain't a damn thing I can do about it. I've lost her.

  Nova adjusts a now sleeping Ember in her arms. “What I want is for you to let me go without a fight. It was stupid of me to ever believe you could love the real me.”

  “I do love the real you, Nova.”

  “You don't even know the real me, Tank.”

  “Because you won't let me!”

  She smiles, kisses my cheek and turns away. And I just watch her walk away as I stand here like a statue. The only woman I have ever loved is walking away from me with the child I love as my own.

  I need a damn drink.

  My rental truck is all packed with the few belongings Ember and I have. I'm going to leave the keys to my bike with my brother, and the keys to my apartment. Jett will store my bike somewhere safe until I can get it picked up.

  As for the rest, Jett will make sure Tank gets his stuff before handing the keys to my landlord. I only signed a three-month contract and that's almost up, so I doubt there's anything he can do about me leaving.

  Hell, for all I care Tank can keep the damn place for himself.

  Ember falls asleep in her car seat on the ride over to Jett's. I stroke her little PJ covered leg and smile. I bathed her and changed her into her PJ's before we left. I put her little housecoat on, strapped her in, covered her with her favorite blanket, stuffed unicorn in her hand, pacifier in her mouth. Didn't take her long to fall asleep. Good.

  Sleep is good right now. She doesn't even know what's going on. I'm being selfish taking her away from the family who adore her, the people she loves. But she's still young, she'll forget all about them.

  Me, on the other hand, I won't forget so easily. I won't forget how welcome everyone made me feel, how my father held me that first day and told me how much he loved me and would never leave me. I won't forget the day Tate told me how proud he was of me, how much he loved me, would always be there for me. I won't forget my siblings and how much they mean to me; how much they changed my life.

  I won't forget all the members of the MC and how they welcomed me into their lives like I was one of them. I made so many friends, so many. I'd never had so many friends in my life before. Big bad bikers and their old ladies. The kind of people I swore to steer clear of, ended up being the best kind of friends.

  I won't even acknowledge the man who broke my heart. But I will acknowledge my father’s wife. The woman who has become a grandmother to my daughter, the woman who has treated me like a daughter my whole life, even when I was gone. The woman who never gave up telling people I'd one day be home with them all.

  As if my truck had a mind of its own, it brought me here to my dad and Lynette's house. My mind seems to be somewhere else. I'm staring out of the windshield in a world of my own. It isn't till there's a tap on my window do I jump out of my skin with my hand on my chest. Luckily for me, I didn't scream and wake Ember.

  I open the window and smile. “Hey, sissy, what are you doing out here?” The way she addressed me was so familiar like we'd never been apart.

  “Hey, Will.” Willow is so beautiful, long dark hair, curvy figure, and that smile of hers is always so genuine. She's a good soul, not a mean bone in her body.

  “Is everything okay?” Her beautiful face is filled with concern.

  “I'm leaving. I just came to say goodbye.”

  “Leaving? Why? Oh, Nova, you just got here. Daddy will be so hurt if you go.”

  “I don't belong here, Will.”

  “Of course, you do.” I shake my head as I jump out of the truck. I close the door as quietly as I can so as not to wake Ember. “Where will you go?”

  “I don't know yet, I just need to get out of here.”

  “What about you and Tank? I thought you guys were in love?”

  “It didn't work out.” I shrug. I don't wanna talk about Tank right now. Nor do I want to talk about the fact I have his ink on my body.

  Why the hell did I do that?

  Property Of Tank and his patch right across my lower back. All that pain, and trust me, tattooing the lower back is the worst kind of pain, but it was for nothing. I was an idiot!

  Thank god she doesn't say anything. “I wanted to see your mom before I left.”

  “She's inside with Sophie. Dad's out with VJ and Max.” Good. I don't want to see Shepard right now. I might regret not saying goodbye to him, but I'm stubborn. I would've liked to see my brothers, but we can't have everything.

  “Could you watch Ember for five minutes, please? I don't want to wake her, and what I have to say to your mom won't take more than five minutes.”

  “Sure, sissy.” She smiles sadly. I hate that I'm hurting her. I hug her tightly. I do love my big sister, I hope she knows that.

  Leaving Willow with Ember, I find Lynette in the laundry room folding clothes. “Hey, Lyn.”

  She looks up with a smile on her face. She is utterly beautiful, so graceful. She's wearing a flattering sweater dress of pale pink that flatters her slim figure, with her hair tied in a high ponytail. To look at her
you wouldn't know she's given birth to four kids. She's beautiful, smart, strong. The perfect first lady of the MC. “Hello, darling. Is everything okay?”

  What do I say to this amazing woman?

  How do I thank her for everything she's done not only for Ember and me since we've been here but for Tate and my dad too?

  Lynette raised Tate, and she did an amazing job with that possessive, overprotective big brother of mine. I dread to think who he'd be now if she hadn't loved my dad enough to be with him and take on my brother as her own.

  I don't even want to think about it.

  This amazing woman never asks for anything from anyone. The only thing she's ever wanted is for VJ, Max, and Sophie to know that Willow is my dad’s.

  How did they get around that when they know Tate and I aren't Lynette's real children?

  An affair.

  That's how they explained it to the kids. Lynette and dad had an affair after she lied about her age. He went back to Celia because of that fact. He was hurt by Lynette's lies, so he told the kids, but he stayed in Willow's life and that's why they lived next door.

  I don't believe the lie will never be found out. VJ is way too smart for a kid of his age. Willow is the only one out of all of us with hazel eyes, she’s no darker in skin tone than I am, and I guess Dad has told the kids Willow takes after his mother for her eyes color. It’s easy to buy when Grandma does have hazel eyes.

  They should never have lied to the kids. But I don't believe it's a bad lie, just one so Willow never feels like she's not truly part of us. I guess Lynette believes that if the kids believe we each have the same father then we're all the same.

  “I just want to thank you for everything you've ever done for us all.”

  Like keep the whole family together and the hope that I'd one day be home.

  “Oh, darling, you don't need to thank me for what comes naturally. My husband, all six of my children, and my little granddaughter are what make my life complete.”

  She didn't even hesitate to include Ember and me in that analysis. Everyone is going to be just fine when I'm gone. They have Lynette to take care of them. I'm not going to stand here being a martyr and say they won't even miss me. Of course, they will, and I'll miss them, but I have to get out of here.