“Shit, Princess. Jack Malloy is your father?” I could hear the disbelief.
“Yes. The man responsible for countless dead bodies buried or sunk who knows where, the man who helped fill the streets with drugs, prostitution and weapons, but now owns half the major businesses in Boston, from hotels and restaurants to casinos and manufacturing companies. The man who handed his own daughter over to a violent rapist.” The last part came out on a sob and he held me tighter.
“Tell me. You’re doing so good, just let it all out. Tell me what happened.” His voice was gentle and soothing and I thought that maybe I could do it. I could finally let it all go.
“It was Valentine’s Day my senior year. My father made sure no one would be at the house that night. He told me I had to be home by seven because he was punishing me for sneaking out the night before to watch Vi perform in the school musical and afterward we all went to the cast party. Shane caught me sneaking back in and ratted me out. I knew better than to fight my dad on it. An early curfew was a much milder punishment than usual. Besides, it was Valentine’s Day and it wasn’t like I had anywhere to be. Bas and Vi were each seeing someone so they had plans and I was flying solo.
“When I got home Connor was already there. He had a fancy candlelit dinner set up and roses all over the place. Seeing him waiting for me made me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what he was thinking, that I would just walk in, see it all and have a change of heart and suddenly fall head over heels for him, but when that didn’t happen he lost it. I tried to get away from him, but he was on me faster than I could make it to the door and he struck me across the face then he dragged me out of the house and toward the back of the property” The tears were making tracks down my cheeks again and my chest was heaving as I tried to get the words out just like he said.
“My dad’s place sits on about twenty acres, so he took me, kicking and screaming, way back where no one would hear me. Not that there was anyone around to hear anyway. He threw me down on the ground and then kicked me in the ribs so that I couldn’t get up and try to run. I begged and pleaded for him to stop but he only laughed. He told me that I was his and that it was time for me to accept that. I would always be his and he would never let me go. Hearing him say that, I was sure that he was going to kill me out there. I had never been so scared in my entire life.
“I had been depressed and kind of zombie like since I lost my mom, but I didn’t want to die. I tried to crawl away but he just kicked me again and this time I felt and heard my ribs crack. I thought it was the worst pain I would ever feel, but I was wrong. He stood over me and started undoing his belt and pants and then I really did wish he would just kill me.” Kyden became deathly still behind me but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t now.
“He got on top of me. I was wearing a skirt, it had ripped at some point and he pushed it up over my hips. I couldn’t stop him.” Every other word was choked out between sobs and I was hunched over with my arms wrapped around my stomach trying to shrink in on myself. I just wanted it to not hurt anymore.
“He pulled out a knife and I prayed it would be over quickly. He dug the knife into me and ran the blade up the inside of my thigh, then across my pelvic bone cutting away the edge of my underwear. The pain of the knife cutting into my skin was a hundred times worse than the kick to the ribs. He did the same thing on the other side and then moved up to my stomach. At that point my throat burned from screaming but I didn’t stop trying to fight him. Next, he used the knife to cut through my shirt and leave a bloody trail all the way-well you’ve seen the scar now. The pain was so bad that I thought I was going to pass out. He just laughed some more and told me how beautiful my body was and that he was going to play with it all night.”
My voice was barely a strangled whimper over the cries leaving my body. If Kyden’s arms weren’t holding me tightly in place I would have slipped off his lap and crumpled to the ground. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get the last bit out. It’s the most overwhelming and emotional part for me to even think about let alone talk about.
“Did he …? You don’t have to say it Princess. If he did.” His own voice was laced with pain and he was struggling to get words out as well. It took me a minute to catch my breath enough to speak again.
“After he cut me, I knew he was going to. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t watch, but when I closed my eyes, instead of terror I … it’s hard to describe but the only word that fits is peace. I felt peace. For a second I thought that maybe I had died, that the cuts were even deeper than I realized. Then I felt Connor still above me, only I wasn’t afraid. It was like someone was holding me and I knew it was going to be okay, that I wasn’t going to die. I just held on to that feeling and tried to bury myself in it. I didn’t even realize when Connor’s weight wasn’t on me anymore. The next thing I can actually remember is Bas putting me in his car.”
“So he didn’t?” His voice was like a desperate plea, begging me to confirm that my fate that night hadn’t ended up the complete horror story that it could have. I shook my head.
“No. He didn’t. Bas was on his date when he got the feeling that I was in trouble. He tried to call me and when I didn’t answer he knew something was wrong. He bailed on his date and went over to my house. When he checked inside and found the whole dinner set up but an empty house he ran straight around to the back. He said that he just knew I was out there and when he got closer he heard me scream. He got there in time and stopped him.” I couldn’t even bring myself to think about how it would have ended if he’d shown up even ten minutes later.
“Bas would have killed him then and there but he saw all the blood and knew he had to get me out of there. When I came around and realized that I was safe I refused to let him take me to a hospital. The cops would have been called and if he told them what happened it would have gotten him killed. I couldn‘t let that happen,” and I was scared for myself, but I couldn‘t admit that to him. That was my biggest shame, that I was a coward.
I could feel the rise and fall of Kyden’s chest behind me, and his breath was warm on the side of my neck, but he didn’t say a word. I hadn’t really expected him to, it was a lot to take in. He was probably trying to figure out the quickest way to put as much distance between us as he could.
“That’s why you ran away, left Boston?” Not quite the hasty escape I expected him to make, but I was sure it was still coming. Especially now that he was realizing just how damaged and weak I was. Instead of standing up for myself and facing my problems I took off like the scared little girl that I was, that most of the time I still am. Even now, I’m still hiding from so much of my past.
“That’s part of it, or maybe most of it. I think that even if it hadn’t happened, eventually I still would have left, but that night just sped up the timetable. I’m still not sure exactly what I felt that night, or how Bas knew I was in trouble and right where to go. I don’t know much about religion or God, but I know that someone saved me that night. My mom had faith and she would tell me stories from her Bible. I think when I was younger, I believed, but then when she died I was just so angry and hurt that I didn’t care much whether He was real or not.
“I’m still not certain about a lot of it, but I don’t have any other explanation for that night. It made me feel like it wasn’t too late for me, that someone thought I deserved another chance, that maybe I was worth saving. It was the first moment since the day I found out my Mom was going to die, that I remembered what hope was. I couldn‘t let anyone or anything take that from me so I took the only way out I saw. Without a thought for anyone but myself, I just ran the first chance I got.”
I hadn’t even stopped to consider that by not reporting Connor, he could hurt someone else and now Kyden knew it. My brokenness, in its entirety, was laid out before him. My cowardice and shame, a neon sign, flashing above my head.
Why wasn’t he running, feeling the wreckage that was my life before I dragged him into it any further? Why was he just sitting there,
not saying anything? Minutes of silence passed and he still didn’t speak, or move. Finally I felt him shift and I knew he wanted me off of his lap. I slid into the seat beside him, while he stood and walked toward the opening of the gazebo. This is it, he’s leaving.
But, instead of walking away, he stopped and put his hands on the rail. He stood there quietly, with his back to me, for what felt like forever. I couldn’t bear it any longer.
“Ky?” But he wouldn’t look at me. “Would you please just say something, anything? Because the silence is killing me.” He turned to face me and his face was a mask of intense anger and desperation. I’d never seen his eyes so dark or his jaw so tense.
“What the hell do you want me to say?” The words ripped from his lips and I felt the sting of them down in my core.
“You’re mad?” My voice was shaking and barely audible.
“Am I mad? You’ve got be fucking kidding me. Mad doesn’t even come close to it.” I was not going to cry again, I told myself over and over. If I could survive everything I had been through so far, I could survive him rejecting me.
“I’m sorry, I understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.” I tried to keep my voice as unaffected as I could, and not let on just how crushed my insides felt.
“Wait, you think I’m mad at you?” He’s not? “Why would I be mad at you?”
“You’re not? But you‘re mixed up in this whole mess because of me.”
“So what?”
“So? So now you know my father is a dangerous criminal, and Connor is a sociopath who won’t hesitate to hurt anyone who gets in the way of what he wants. I let you get involved in my life and convinced you to be my friend without telling you just how screwed up I really am.” He just looked at me like I was crazy, and I was beginning to agree with him.
“If you think you convinced me to be your friend you really don’t know much.” What did he mean? “To answer your question, no Princess, I’m not mad at you. I’m not even sure if mad is a good enough word for how I’m feeling, but it’s not at you.” I just looked at him, confused. Nothing he was saying or doing was what I expected.
“You keep looking at me like your waiting for me to bolt Princess. What do I have to say to make you believe me? Do you need to hear how I want to track that son of a bitch down right now and kill him and not even that would be good enough, because I don’t just want to kill him, I want to torture him? What about if I tell you that I want your father to pay more than any other person on this fucking planet for ever letting him near you and making you doubt that you would be worth saving? Or that I wish like hell I could bring your mom back so that you never had to experience any of that, so that you wouldn’t feel like you’re some broken trinket that can’t be fixed? If I told you all that, then would you believe me? Or are you still so convinced that I‘m a piece of shit who couldn’t possibly care so much about anyone but myself?” He didn’t even give me a chance to respond.
“Maybe I should just fucking prove you right.” He stormed off before I could say anything. I watched his long, angry strides as he made his way toward the house and I watched him yank the door open and then slam it behind him.
Even if he wasn’t mad at me before, he certainly was now. I wasn’t going to follow after him, I couldn’t do that. He obviously wanted some space, and now I would give anything to be back in my house with him chasing me around the living room, or crammed in that tiny play tent, or even up in the bed that we were sharing. I wouldn’t tell him to stay on his own side, not this time. Now that he was the one pushing me away, I just wanted to hang on tighter. I laid down on my side, with my legs curled and my knees tucked up into my chest, and just let the swing rock me.
God, I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you help out with, but I’m so confused right now. Everything is a mess and I don’t know what I want. It all just hurts so much. I don’t know what to do to make any of it better. I’m so sorry for how selfish I’ve been but I really need you right now.
I fell asleep there on the swing, with my heart aching in my chest and silent prayers still running through my head.
Chapter 18
The feel of someone’s hand gently shaking my shoulder woke me. For a second I hoped that it was Kyden coming back, but that hope was dashed a second later when I heard Bas’ voice. “Wake up sleepy.”
I opened my eyes and he was leaning over me. I blinked a couple times and wiped at my eyes to clear away the gunk left from all the tears. Bas lifted my head so he could slide into the seat, and then set it back down on his lap.
“How long have I been out here?”
“It’s almost three, so about two hours. Everyone is getting ready to head in to Hyannis. A few of us are gonna hit up the golf club and I think the rest of them are going to the mall. You want to come with?” I was sure it was an attempt to cheer me up and take my mind off of everything, but I really wasn’t in the mood for golfing or shopping or being around people in general.”
“Nah. I think I’ll just going hang around here.”
“I kinda thought you might say that.” He sighed and I knew he would offer to stay with me, but I really just wanted to be alone. I’d had someone with me every moment since that first Saturday I was back and now more than anything I really needed time to myself. I knew I was safe here and he had no reason to object.
“You’re go. All of you need to go and have fun. Nobody else’s day needs to be ruined because of me.”
“You’re not ruining anybody’s day Jazz.” He tried to argue, but I wasn’t having it. “I don’t mind staying and hanging out with you.”
“Well I do mind. I’m actually a little sick of your face.” I tried to keep a serious face as I ribbed him but he just laughed.
“Yeah, whatever. You could never be sick of me.”
“Maybe, but you’re still going golfing. I will be fine here.”
“Promise me you won’t sit here and be sad all day and when you’re ready to talk about how things went with Kyden you’ll tell me?”
“I promise. I’m not sad. I just … it’s been a rough day and I’m still processing, but I will talk to you when you get back and I’ll be okay while you’re gone. I’ll read. I might swim some laps or walk around the property and pig out fruit and cookies.”
That’s exactly what I did too. I laid out by the pool and read, but for the first time I wasn’t able to get lost in Victorian England. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett didn’t provide the escape I was looking for and make everything feel okay. My mind was stuck on the image of an angry Kyden lashing out and walking away from me. After rereading the same paragraph for the fourth time because I couldn’t concentrate, I finally gave up.
I decided if I couldn’t distract myself with a good book, exercise would be the next best thing. I swam laps until I was so physically exhausted that when I climbed out of the pool my mind wasn’t thinking about anything except a snack and a nap. I didn’t have the energy to make an actual meal so I just grabbed some strawberries and a granola bar and found a comfy spot to lie down in the sun.
When I woke up out on the deck lounger where I had crashed, the sun was sinking low in the sky. The breeze had picked up and I was chilly now that the sun wasn’t beating down on me. I must have slept longer than I planned. My phone said it was almost seven and my stomach said it was dinner time. I wondered why nobody had woken me up.
As soon as I walked into the quiet house and saw that all of the lights were still out I realized why nobody bothered to wake me up. They weren’t back yet. The house was empty. I was just pulling out my phone to call Bas when it rang and his picture popped up.
“Hey. You guys still in Hyannis?”
“Yeah, we all just met up and everyone wants to go out to eat here but we felt bad leaving you back at the house by yourself. Has Kyden come back?” Why would he have come back without them?
“No. Isn’t he with you guys?”
“No, he didn’t come with us. He took off a
gain after you guys talked and we haven’t heard from him since. I just thought he would’ve gone back to the house by now.” From his tone and the exasperation I could hear, it was obvious that he was frustrated and there was also an underlying concern in his voice but I didn’t have a chance to ask anything else before he changed the subject. “Do you want me to come back and get you so you can go to dinner with us?”
“No, you guys just go eat and I’ll see you when you get back.” I insisted. It would be ridiculous for him to make the half hour drive back here to pick me up just to go to dinner with them. I was also holding out hope that Kyden would come back before they did and I wanted to be here if that was the case. I wasn’t sure what I would say to him, but I needed to see where we stood. I don’t know why it meant so much to me what he thought, but it did. Okay that’s a lie. I knew why. I just didn’t want to admit it.
It didn’t matter though because he didn’t come back. I was nervous and anxious all night, waiting for him. I tried to find things to do to keep busy and occupy my mind, but for the most part my efforts were futile. After I cooked myself some quick pasta for dinner, I baked eight loaves of banana bread to go with breakfast. Baking is usually a good stress reliever for me, but I found that the harder I tried not to think about him, the more I did.
I called Sadie since I hadn’t talked to her much over the last week except for a few text messages here and there. Really it didn’t help with taking my mind off Kyden either. She was almost just as intuitive as Bas was when it came to my moods. She picked up on it about two minutes into our conversation and had me spilling everything. She was angry and concerned when I told her about my tires being slashed, but really I spent most of the time venting about Kyden, hoping she would have the words to talk me off the crazy ledge. She didn’t, but it was enough that she listened, and it was nice to talk to someone outside of it all.
Finding Ever After Page 19