Finding Ever After

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  “Jazz.” Wait, no that wasn’t right. “Zane, I mean, my, uh Jaxyn. My name is Jaxyn Zane.” I managed to spit out. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay Miss Zane. You’re in shock, but everything is going to be fine. Why don’t you come have a seat?” He placed his hand on my arm and led me over to the police SUV parked behind us. He opened the back door and helped me to climb up inside. I sat with my feet hanging out the door, still staring at the side of my house. I had a little bit better view from where we were and I could see a lot of black on the side.

  “Miss Zane, is there anyone you can think of who would have reason to set fire to your home?” What?

  “Someone did this?” I whispered, but really that should have been my first thought.

  “We don’t know that for sure, but one of your neighbors saw someone running away from that side of the house just moments before the flames started. We won’t know for sure that it was arson until an investigation is done, but while we wait for the report we’re just covering the bases. Now, is there anyone that comes to mind?” I didn’t need an investigation to tell me that it was intentional, and I knew who did it.

  “Miss Zane, is there someone.” I looked him directly in the eyes and tried to make sure my voice was as calm and steady as I could.

  “No. I can’t think of anyone who would do this.” Maybe I should have told them, maybe they could have done something, but I knew the odds were slim. There wouldn’t be any evidence, and I could guarantee that whoever was seen running from my yard wasn’t Connor himself and I doubted if an identification could be made either way. No, the cops couldn’t help because even if I convinced every cop in Massachusetts that Connor was responsible for this, he was untouchable without more proof. Even then my father’s lawyers would get him off. I wanted to scream and cry and hit something, but I didn’t. I sat there quietly until the fireman came back.

  “Thankfully your neighbor called us right away and we got here in time to keep the fire contained, but the damage to the kitchen from the fire and water is extensive and there will be smoke damage throughout the house. Once we finish up and the smoke clears, you’ll be able to do a walk through and gather anything you need. We were able to determine that the fire was started by an incendiary device.” I was having a hard time focusing on anything he was saying. All I heard was that Connor had managed to take more from me.

  “Jazz!” Bas’ voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up and saw him and Chris both pushing their way toward me with Lissa on their heels. I hadn’t even noticed that she left my side. She must have called him. I should have called him. Crap I needed to call Shane and Vi, and the insurance company. I reached for my purse to get my cell phone and realized I didn’t have it on me. Where’s my purse? Oh, that’s right, I left it in my car. My car!

  I’d left my keys in the car and the door wide open. I jumped up to get to my car but instead I hit a brick wall. “Jazz, where are you going.” He gripped my arms and prevented me from going anywhere. Why didn’t he understand that I had to get to my car? I needed my purse. I had phone calls to make.

  “Car,” was my only response but still he didn’t release his grip. “My car.” I said a little more forcefully, aware that the fireman who had been speaking to me, and the two officers that had remained by my side, along with Chris and Lissa, were all staring at me.

  “Jazz. Stop. Your car is fine.” He didn’t understand. I needed my phone. I needed to call people. I needed to do something. I needed to fix this.

  “I need to get my phone. I need my phone Bas.” I pleaded with him.

  “No you don’t. You need to calm down. You’re shaking Jazz.” Was I? I didn’t notice. “Just breathe, it’s going to be alright. We’ll take care of it, but first you have to stop freaking out.” He was right, I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop myself. I lost it and threw myself into his arms. He wrapped them around me and held me tightly, whispering that it would be okay while I sobbed into his chest.

  Someone came up behind Bas and took my hand in theirs. I knew it had to be Lissa because the hand was small and feminine. I lifted my head and looked over his shoulder to see her looking back at me. She squeezed my hand and gave me a sympathetic smile. I was really glad she was here.

  “I don’t know what to do Bas. He tried to burn down my house.” I whispered.

  “It’s okay Jazz. I promise it will be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. The house can be fixed. We don’t even know yet how much was damaged, so we’ll worry about that later.”

  “I need to call Shane and Vi.”

  “I already called them both, you don’t need to do anything. I’ll stay with you until you can go inside and then we’ll stay with Chris.” This is not how today was supposed to go.

  “No. You need to talk to her, you two have to make up.” I insisted, pulling away from him and gesturing at Lissa.

  “Look, I don’t know what she was doing here, what either of you were doing here, when you told me you were spending the day with Lucy, but we can talk about it later.”

  “No. You’re going to talk to her right now. Connor is not messing this up again.”

  “I will talk to her, I promise, but right now Jazz, I need to be here for you.”

  “No! You’re going to talk to her right now. You two are going to go sit in my car, or your car or wherever and you’re not coming out until you’re kissing again, and you’re not going to argue with me because I am a little crazy right now.”

  “Really Jazz, it can wait until after we deal with this.” He argued.

  “No. It. Can. Not. You talk to her now.” I demanded, letting some of the crazy out. “Chris will wait with me until you guys are done, and then we’ll go in and get our stuff. You two will go home and spend the rest of the night making up and I will stay with Chris.” Bas started to protest, but I didn’t give him the chance to say a word. “It’s not up for discussion Bas. I’ve made up my mind and you know how pointless it would be for you to try and change it.” He let out a defeated sigh.

  “Come on Liss, I guess we got some talking to do.” I gave her an encouraging smile as she followed after him.

  While they talked Chris and I stood there and waited to be allowed into the house. The crowd around us thinned as people trickled back to their own houses. Some stuck around and a few neighbors even came up to tell me how sorry they were and to try and get information about what had happened. Chris ran interference for me because I wasn’t in any state to deal with anyone prying.

  Bas and Lissa came back holding hands about the same time the fireman said we could go inside. They decided it would be better if I didn’t though and all my fight was gone so I didn’t argue. Bas and Lissa went in to grab clothes and personal items I would need.

  It wasn’t until I was in Chris’ car, on my way to his house that I realized I would have to tell the rest of the guys everything. After this, there was no keeping the truth from them.

  I was nervous as Chris and I walked up the steps to his front door. I didn’t know how to tell them or how they would react. The last time I told someone, it didn’t go so well. I didn’t even want to think about what it was going to be like, sharing the same space with Kyden.

  “Hey Rainbow, did you come to cook for us again? I have to say, coming home to a fridge full of food and more of your baked goods last night, was amazing. Once again I would like to extend my offer of marriage.” Spade greeted me enthusiastically when we walked in the door. He was seated in front of the flat screen in the living room, along with Kyden and Ace. They had controllers in their hands. The sounds of gunfire and explosions came through the speakers. When he looked over at me again and noticed the duffel bag in my hand he became even more excited.

  “Even better, you’re moving in. Does this mean you’ve decided to accept my proposal?” He asked. “Hey motherfucker quit shooting at me, we’re on the same team.” He yelled at one of them.

  “Then get your head back in the game douche bag.” Ace retor
ted. “She’s not gonna marry your stupid ass. If anything she’s here for me. Isn’t that right beautiful?” Ace teased with a wink before turning back to the game. Kyden had yet to acknowledge me with anything more than a quick glance when I first came in.

  “I am going to be staying with you guys for a little while if it’s alright?”

  “Of course it is Rainbow, but why you staying here? You really can’t stand to be away from me, can you?”

  Well here goes nothing.

  “Conner setmyhouseonfire.” I mumbled out quickly. All three heads snapped in my direction and each pair of eyes found mine. Guess they heard me well enough.

  “You wanna say that again Princess? Because it sounded a lot like you said that bastard set your house on fire.” I chewed my lip nervously and tried not to make eye contact with him. Instead I looked at Ace and Spade. Their faces showed the same severity that I heard in Kyden’s voice.

  “Not my whole house, just the kitchen.” I wasn’t sure why I tried to minimize the situation. Less than an hour ago I was the one needing to be reassured, but I felt like it was important not to let Kyden see how crushed and scared I was. He and I weren’t anything, but he was still an alpha male through and through. He would still go all protective caveman if he saw how threatened I felt because of the attack.

  I didn’t look at him, but the tension I felt coming from that side of the room told me it wouldn’t take much for him to unleash a whole lot of rage, but any thoughts of revenge would likely get him killed or in jail.

  “Have they arrested him?” Kyden bit out. I shook my head.

  “Then I don’t care if it was just a fucking broom closet. He’s not getting away with it.” Or he might go caveman anyway. I finally turned my head to face him, to try and talk him down, but I struggled to find my words under the intensity of his gaze.

  “I have to say that I agree with Ky, Rainbow. We need to teach that son of a bitch a lesson.” Ace was nodding alongside him, but neither of them knew what they were suggesting, what it would mean if they tried to retaliate. I shook my head and tried to reason with them.

  “No, you guys can’t do anything. You have to let it go.” They snorted and stared back at me. The irritated look on each of their faces told me there was little chance of that happening. Kyden especially, seemed primed for a fight.

  “The hell we do Princess.” He seethed. “I don’t care who he is-”

  “Well you should.” I cut him off. “He’ll kill you, and if not him then my father. I know you think you’re trying to protect me, but you’re going to end up dead!” I yelled at him, surprising all of them with my outburst. Kyden looked like he was going to continue arguing with me, but Chris chose that moment to intercede.

  “Enough. She’s right, nobody is going to do anything right now, so just calm the fuck down.” In the past Chris and Bas had always been on the other side of this argument, but they had seen enough over the years to know how futile it was.

  “Someone needs to fill us in on a few details, because we seem to be missing something here, Rainbow. What does your father have to do with the asshole trying to hurt you?” I really wasn’t in the mood to draw it out, or break it to them gently so I just threw it out there bluntly.

  “My father is Jack Malloy and Connor works for him, so if you guys try any sort of payback you’re gonna end up buried, or in pieces. Probably both.”

  They definitely weren’t expecting that. Except for Kyden and Chris, all of their faces transitioned through a range of emotions from shock to confusion to apprehension and then back to shock that bordered on awe.

  “Holy shit. You’re like some kind of mob princess?” Ace asked, and even though he was really far off, I couldn’t blame him for his reaction.

  “No, it’s not like that, not even close. I’m nobody’s princess.” I looked directly at Kyden when I said that last part.

  “Why wouldn’t your father protect you from Connor, or better question, why hasn’t your dad killed him yet?” It was Spade’s turn to unload the questions, only his were one’s I didn’t want to answer. My cheeks burned, showing the shame I felt at once again having to admit just how much my father didn’t care.

  “My father chose him over me. It doesn’t matter what Connor does, because my father will always take his side.” My eyes stung with unshed tears that I so badly didn’t want to release. How many times was I going to cry over that disappointment? It was past time to just accept it and move on, only I still didn’t know how.

  I was too drained for any more talk of the fire, Connor, or my father, and dealing anymore with Kyden was a headache in the making. I said goodnight and Chris led me to his room, where I was going to stay. I left the rest of them to discuss me once I was out of hearing range.

  Chris closed the door behind him and I changed into pajamas and curled up in his bed. I was staring at the ceiling, at such a loss for what to do when my phone rang. It was an unknown number so I figured it was Bas calling from Lissa’s phone.

  “Hello.”

  “You really need to stop leaving town. If you don’t want anything bad to happen to the people you leave behind, like your brother or his pretty little girl, you won’t do it again. I’ll destroy a lot more than your house slut.” Connor.

  I hung up the phone immediately and threw it on the other side of the bed like it was a snake that would bite me. I waited, barely breathing, for it to ring again, but it didn’t. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Connor wanted me afraid and cowering, he wanted me weak. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I needed to be hard, hard enough not to whimper and cry every time he tried to beat me down. I had to be strong enough not to run, not to hide behind Bas, or anyone else.

  If he thought he was going to find me vulnerable and unable to defend myself again, he was dead wrong. I didn’t spend the last few years being knocked on my butt in the gym repeatedly, so that I could not fight back when it was time. I wouldn’t let him intimidate me anymore.

  I left town because of him and my father once before. I wouldn’t do it again. They stripped me down to nothing but fear and shame and I refused to be that person again. I was building a life here. I had new friends who were quickly becoming family and the ones who had always been my family. I wouldn’t let him hurt any of the people I cared about.

  I was right when I said my father would have any of the guys killed for going after Connor, but that didn’t include me. My father wouldn’t touch me. He might not love me or care what Connor did, but he wouldn’t kill me. Truth was he’d probably respect me more for it. I had to settle this.

  My body hummed with a violent outrage that I would have found disturbing if I wasn‘t so wrapped up in my desire to strike back at Connor. There would be no more feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be a Malloy, but maybe I needed to embrace that side of myself.

  The question I needed to answer was, if I did it, would I lose the part of myself I was trying to hang on to? How fine was the line between fighting back, and being cold and vicious? Could I act like my father, make calculating decisions like him, be relentless like him, without turning into him? I didn’t know if I could control the fury burning beneath my skin, or if the hate I felt growing stronger would eat me up?

  I thought I was becoming like him once before and it nearly crippled me. What would happen if one day the warmth was missing from my eyes and they were nothing but the same empty silver pits I saw on his face? What would my mom think of the raging storm brewing inside of me? Would Bas look at me differently if I wasn’t his sweet Jazz anymore, would any of them look at me the same? I didn’t know, but I did know I couldn’t tell any of them about the phone call.

  My thoughts had become too heavy for the night and my anger quickly turned into exhaustion. When I shut my eyes the exhaustion overtook me.

  I didn’t know how much trouble I was in, but I knew it was going to be more than I’d ever been in before. Mom had been in Mr. Lambert’s office for a long time. I wish he hadn’
t called her, but he had, and here I was sitting outside his office waiting for the door to open so I could see just how angry she was. I’d never been sent to the principal’s office before, but Jill just made me so mad. She deserved it, and I’d do it again.

  I felt my face heating with anger as I thought about how she had embarrassed me out on the playground, in front of everyone. I wanted to shove her down in that mud puddle all over again and call her every name I’d ever heard in those grown up fighting movies Chris liked to watch with his friends when his dad wasn’t around. He always tried to kick Bas and me out, but we would sneak into the room and sit behind them and watch the movie until we got caught.

  My mom put soap in my mouth the first time I repeated one of those words, but I wouldn’t take any of the ones I had called Jill back, even if she made me eat a whole bar of soap. Mostly I just wished Bas hadn’t been home sick from school. Jill wouldn’t have dared to say those things about me if he was there. All of the girls liked Bas, but he was my best friend and they didn’t like that.

  She would know better now, than to tease me and make everyone laugh at me like that. They would all know better, or next time—

  The door to Mr. Lambert’s office opened up and Mom stepped out. He was right behind her. They both had serious looks on their faces but I couldn’t really tell how upset she was. That could be bad for me if she was just waiting until we were outside the school to really let me have it, or maybe it meant she wasn’t that mad. Maybe she understood why I did it. Maybe she was on my side and would call up Jill’s mother and tell her how horrible her daughter was and how she deserved to be pushed into the mud.

  When her eyes met mine, I knew I wasn’t that lucky. I wished she would look angry and just yell at me, because that would be better than seeing the disappointment that was on her face. There was nothing as bad as having Mom disappointed in me, I hated letting her down like that. She had enough disappointment from my loser dad. I didn’t want to be like him.

  Last weekend was Valentine’s Day and I saw her looking at his picture again. I wanted to cut it into a thousand pieces and burn it because all it ever did was make her sad. Right now I was making her sad though. I felt something icky in my stomach, and it was hard to swallow.