Don't Let Me Go

by J. H. Trumble

  “Hmph. So how are things going with your fan girly boyfriend?”

  My laughter died in my throat and I focused on the strings. Luke. Luke was kind of fan girly, and I liked that about him. But it was one thing for him to think of us as boyfriends, and quite another for anyone else to think that. I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

  “Are you two making the beast with two backs?”

  I winced. Shakespeare. Othello. Iago had said that: “I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.” It’s exactly the kind of thing that Adam would say. Adam. No, not Adam. I had to quit thinking that. Luke. He was the one I had to focus on now. He deserved that. I thought about Danial’s question and answered it the only way I knew how: “I’m not sure how to answer that.”

  It was his turn to raise his eyebrows. “Uh, Nate, do we need to have a little biology lesson here?”

  “No. We do not,” I said sarcastically. “We, uh, haven’t gotten naked together.”

  He nodded his head slowly. “Okay.”

  “But we have, uh—”

  “Whoa. Okay. You don’t have to paint a picture. I got it.” He shivered, a reaction that drove away the blues, and I laughed.

  “Hey. You had your shot.”

  “Has he taken you home to meet mommy and daddy?”

  “Yeah. I’ve met them.” But I didn’t much like them. At least not his dad.

  Juliet won. I called Luke after Danial left. I think he would have squealed when I asked him if he wanted to go if he were the squealing kind. Thankfully, he wasn’t, but his excitement was palpable and infectious. By the time I left the music store at four o’clock, I was actually looking forward to the party. Luke wanted to drive to avoid the awkward questions at home, and I wholeheartedly agreed, but he was so keyed up over the party—not the party itself but the fact that he was going as my date—that I insisted he leave his car at my house. I didn’t trust him not to run a red light and T-bone somebody on the way. He was that distracted. It would be the first time we’d actually appeared at an event as a couple. The irony of that wasn’t lost on me as we stood together on Natalie’s front porch several hours later.

  Last December 8

  Another Christmas party, another date

  I felt conspicuous under the bright porch light. From somewhere inside the house, someone, not Joan Jett, was loving rock and roll. I bounced up and down nervously on my heels. “How do I look?”

  Adam stepped back just long enough to give me an appreciative once-over. He took a deep breath and groaned a little. “Good enough to eat,” he murmured in my ear, then bit my earlobe.

  I laughed. “Down, boy. This is going to be hard enough without you making me blush every time I turn around.”

  He made a little X over his heart with his finger in the tight space between our two bodies. “My best behavior. Promise.”

  “Yeah.” I chuckled. “That’s what scares me.” I tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. “How can you be so calm?”

  “Who says I’m calm?”

  I glanced out to the curb to make sure Juliet was in position. She was leaning against her car and gave me a little finger wave and a thumbs-up. I took a deep breath.

  “Here we go.” Adam pressed the doorbell, then reached for my hand, intertwined his fingers with mine, and squeezed. “Fortune rewards the brave,” he said under his breath.

  “Shakespeare?”

  “Paula Abdul.”

  Mike Rutgers opened the door. I recognized him as one of the cast members. He stopped short when he saw us together, holding hands. “Whoa.” He paused a second to take it all in. “I was going to say, what’s new, dude, but I guess I know.” He looked at Adam and then at me, a goofy look on his face. “Does that mean Juliet’s available?”

  Juliet pushed past us. “Yes, that means Juliet is available,” she said, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him into the house. “Come on, lover boy, you’re with me tonight.”

  A large woman appeared in the doorway. “Adam!” She held her arms out and he scooped her up and spun her around.

  “Put me down.” She laughed. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

  “Promise you’ll dance with me tonight?”

  She blushed. “No, because you never behave yourself, and I am a married woman.” He pouted and she laughed. “Besides, there are too many pretty girls here waiting for that honor.” Then looking around Adam at me, she said, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

  “This is Nate Schaper,” he said, releasing her. He wrapped both arms around my waist and planted a kiss on my cheek just as Mrs. Maguire, Natalie’s mother, reached to shake my hand.

  Her eyes widen and her mouth stopped in mid “Nice to meet you.” Her features contorted slightly as she seemed to deconstruct and then reconstruct everything she thought she knew about Adam. “Nate. Wow. Nate and Adam. Adam and Nate. Wow. You are certainly full of surprises, young man,” she said to Adam. Then she focused her attention on me. “And you,” she said conspiratorially, “are a very lucky fellow.” She winked at Adam.

  He laughed and let go of me to embrace her again.

  She whispered something in his ear, then pushed him away. “Go on, you two. The karaoke machine is out back. I hope you brought warmed-up vocal chords.”

  “I love Joan Jett,” Adam said. “Come on.” He dragged me out the French doors. Chloe and Amanda were already on the makeshift stage. Adam grabbed my face, planted a quick kiss on my lips, and hopped up onto the stage with the girls.

  I blushed. At least half a dozen kids had to have seen that kiss. Chloe’s jaw dropped. She looked at Adam and then back at me and then back at Adam again. And then back at me.

  He ignored her look and grabbed a spare microphone. Chloe looked at Amanda and mouthed “Oh. My. God.” Amanda shrugged and giggled.

  What followed was an uninhibited, raunchy, and totally awesome version of Joan Jett’s famous chorus. His voice was amazing, but his body oozed sex appeal.

  And I wasn’t the only one appreciating it.

  He gave love a bad name and left his heart on the dance floor, all the while treating us to hip rolls and thrusts and crotch grabs and shimmies and all kinds of wiggling. I had no idea his body could move like that. It was when he hurt so good that I had to walk away for a minute out of sheer red-faced embarrassment and a wee bit of memory-induced excitement.

  Juliet shoved a Smirnoff Ice in my hand. “Keep it on the down low,” she shouted in my ear.

  I took a sip from the bottle.

  She hooked an arm around my neck. “Dance with me,” she pleaded.

  “What happened to Mike?” I mouthed.

  She rolled her eyes and moved against me. “So?”

  “So what?”

  “You did it. You’re out and nobody died.”

  I grinned. “But I’m here and he’s up there, so I’m not sure we’ve fully tested that outcome.”

  “Well, you’re about to now.”

  From behind me, Adam slipped his arms around my waist. “This dance is mine,” he said in my ear.

  Juliet let go, a little reluctantly, I thought, and disappeared into the crowd. Adam moved into the empty place she’d left and wrapped his arms around my neck and drew me so close to him there was no breathing room between us. He took a sip of my drink, then sang quietly but passionately in my ear about being the meaning and inspiration in his life, about wanting to have me near him, about no one needing me more than he needed me. On the stage, someone else was doing the Chicago cover, but Adam sang to me like he’d written the song himself. We swayed and stepped to the music, both loose and hungry for each other. And when his lips found mine, his mouth cool and lemony from the Smirnoff, everything else faded into the background, and there was just him and me, two satellites orbiting the same need, alone together in the vast expanse of the cosmos, until Juliet danced close and nudged me with her elbow.

  “Uh, boys, you might want to get a room.”

&
nbsp; “Eeewww. Gross,” a female voice said, one I didn’t recognize.

  My face reddened, but Adam chuckled. “She’s just jealous because we have two penises and she has none.” I grinned into his hair. He finally contented himself with laying his head on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of my body moving with his. I refused to let that ignorant comment spoil our moment, not then, and not later at my house, where there was no need to lock the door this time.

  Luke bounced on the balls of his feet. “How do I look?”

  Good enough to eat.

  “Like you’re about to wet your pants again,” I teased.

  “I am.”

  “Don’t.”

  Luke grinned, and I put my heartache over what Adam and I’d had and what could have been out of my mind and allowed Luke’s enthusiasm to suck me in. I straightened the hood on his hoodie. “Here we go,” I said and knocked on the door.

  Unlike the night Adam showed up with me in tow, no one was surprised to see me with Luke. We slipped in without fanfare, for which I was grateful. Karaoke was already going strong. Danial showed up right behind us. We walked around and said hi to everyone. Luke held tight to my hand as I introduced him around, but Danial was too busy casing the room to give anything more than a cursory nod to my other friends.

  “Relax,” I told him. “She’s here ... somewhere.”

  “What are y’all whispering about?” Luke asked, looking like he didn’t much appreciate being left out.

  “You came!” Juliet squealed, appearing out of nowhere and throwing her arms and legs around Danial. He staggered back a few steps in surprise.

  “That’s what we were whispering about,” I said in Luke’s ear.

  “Oh.” He looked embarrassed.

  I cleared my throat loudly. Juliet dropped her feet to the floor and gave me a quick hug and a kiss, and then after just a moment’s hesitation, she gave Luke a hug too. Done with that, she grabbed for Danial’s hand. “Come on. Dance with me.”

  We followed them out to the patio where couples were slow dancing in the low light. “Your eyes are doing that thing again,” I said to Luke, grinning. He was looking at me with that raw adoration I had neither earned nor deserved.

  “What thing?”

  “They’re getting all melty.”

  “Is that bad?”

  “Come here, you.” I pulled him to me and we danced. He held me close and planted his mouth in the hollow below my ear, not kissing me, just breathing. It felt good.

  “I could stay just like this forever,” he whispered in my ear.

  I smiled and kissed him on the forehead. “There’s a lot you’d miss out on if you did.”

  He pulled away and looked at me. I winked at him. His eyes slid down to my lips. “Tonight?” he said, his voice pleading.

  “Luke.”

  “You don’t have to do anything. I’ll do everything.”

  I laughed. “My mom and my grandmother are home.”

  “We can lock your door.” I gently pushed his head back to a place beneath my jaw.

  “We’ll see.”

  He pressed a kiss on my earlobe. “I love you,” he whispered, then clutched at me so tightly I could hardly breathe.

  I smiled into his hair. He was so easy to please. He just wanted me, near him, with him, proud of him, loving him. It was all so simple. Maybe I could let go of the past and embrace the future. What did I have to lose? If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Isn’t that what the song said?

  Maybe it was time to let go. I kissed his hair. “I love you too, Luke.”

  With the reflex of one who had been waiting for just such a declaration, he tightened his arms around me again, making it impossible for my lungs to expand. “I can’t breathe,” I whispered in his ear.

  He pulled back, his eyes bright and happy. “Oh, what the hell,” I said, wrapping my arms back around him. “Squeeze me as tight as you want. Who needs air?”

  After the song, we went to the cooler next to the patio table for sodas. Luke was moving about in such an obvious state of bliss that I had to laugh. I shoveled ice into two plastic cups and filled them with Coke from a bottle and handed one to him. Natalie had stocked the cooler with wine coolers, but I was afraid of how alcohol might affect my boyfriend. I laughed to myself. Danial was right. He really was fan girly. But I had to admit, his adoration was flattering. He wasn’t slobbering just yet, and I wanted to make sure he didn’t start. So no alcohol for Luke.

  Danial joined us. I handed him my soda and poured another. He took that one too. “Thanks, bro. I’d love to hang out with you two girls, but—”

  “Go,” I said, grinning. “Far be it for me to get in the way of lust.” I winked at him and tipped the bottle again.

  Warren and a couple of the other guys were just starting a new song. “Come on,” I said, taking Luke’s hand. “Let’s go watch.”

  We found a spot in the group gathered around the makeshift stage. I stood behind Luke and wrapped my arms around him, careful not to slosh him with my soda.

  The guys were singing an Eagles song about wanting to touch somebody, even if it took all night. Luke looked back at me and raised his eyebrows. I grinned and shook my head. But the smile faded when the chorus promised a heartache tonight. I was glad I was standing behind him.

  Almost directly across from us, Juliet and Danial were nuzzling each other. He whispered something in her ear and she giggled. It made me happy seeing them together.

  And then her face fell, her eyes focused on something near the house. She whispered to Danial. He looked over his shoulder. I followed their eyes. Standing in the sliding glass doorway was Adam. He searched the crowd. My breath caught in my throat and my knees buckled. I looked back frantically at Juliet and Danial.

  Luke felt the change in my posture. He turned his head to me, his eyes full of worry. “Nate?” I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t help looking back at Adam. Luke’s eyes followed mine. “Nate?” he said again, fear creeping into his voice.

  I tore my eyes away and looked at Luke’s sweet face, only realizing then that I’d sloshed him with Coke after all. “Oh shit, Luke, I’m sorry.”

  He ignored the soda dripping from his hoodie. His eyes darted back at Adam. “Is that who I think it is?” His voice had lost its confidence. He sounded like a little boy afraid of the monster in the closet.

  I forced myself to smile at him. “It’s okay, Luke. You don’t have anything to be worried about.” I knew it was a lie even as I said it. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see kids surrounding Adam. Someone had plugged the speakers into their MP3 player and Jay Sean was taunting me with lyrics about being my only.

  “Why is he here?” Luke asked.

  I pulled him into my arms to dance. He was trembling, or maybe it was me trembling. It was hard to tell. “I don’t know,” I said. I held him to me more closely, reassuring him with my presence. “But it doesn’t matter. We’re okay. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said, but I could tell he wasn’t convinced.

  I wasn’t convinced either.

  I was desperate to look at Adam, but I forced myself not to look anywhere but right at the top of Luke’s head. I considered how we were going to make our exit. We couldn’t stay. This had been a mistake. And yet, I’d gotten to see him, and now I wished he’d leave because seeing him meant wanting to touch him and wanting wasn’t getting.

  I was so focused on not looking around that I was startled when I turned Luke and bumped right into Adam.

  “Do you mind if I cut in?” he asked politely.

  Luke’s head snapped up and his eyes darkened. “Actually, I do mind.” He tightened his hold on me, and I found myself fighting to expand my lungs again.

  I caught Danial’s eye. I had no idea what to do. If I had the power to disappear, I would have invoked it right then. Danial headed my way.

  Adam looked from Luke to me. Luke tried to turn me away, but my feet felt lik
e they’d been cast in concrete and wouldn’t budge, and the moving and the not moving almost sent us tumbling to the ground.

  “I just want to talk, that’s all,” Adam said.

  I glared at him, then turned to Luke and forced my face to relax. “Luke, it’s okay. It’ll just be a minute. Why don’t you go get us some wine coolers?” I handed him my cup. I was going to need a drink after this. Maybe Danial had a joint in his pocket. Shit.

  Luke didn’t want to go, and for a few awkward, unbalanced seconds, I didn’t think he would. I smiled reassuringly, and finally he went with one last pleading look over his shoulder.

  Adam stepped into his place. He took one of my hands in his, but when he moved to put the other around my waist, I turned and stalked off, off the patio and into a corner of the yard, as far away from everyone else as I could get without actually being alone with him. He followed. I hooked the cuffs of my sweater with my fingers and folded my arms tightly against my chest because I no longer trusted any of my limbs. Finally I allowed my eyes to meet his. His look was so intense I could hold it for only a moment. I glanced toward Luke. He watched us from the patio table. Hope and guilt sparked equally in my chest. I looked at my feet.

  Adam drew slightly closer, and I tried to slow the hammering in my chest. I looked back at Luke, and Adam’s eyes followed mine. “So that’s Luke, huh? He looks kinda young.”

  “He’s not,” I spat back. “Why are you here?”

  He looked back at me and bit his lower lip. “I guess I just had to see it for myself.”

  I huffed. “Kind of like coming to a funeral and gawking in the open casket. Just making sure everything’s nice and dead before you throw dirt on top.”

  He wrinkled his brow like he was fighting a sudden, sharp pain. I knew the feeling. “Yeah, something like that,” he said quietly.

  “You came, you saw, go home. I’m sure you have an early flight to catch in the morning.”

  “No flight, Nate.”

  I scoffed. “Did you and Justin have a little tiff?”

  He rolled his eyes to the sky. “What is your obsession with Justin?”