Damaged

by Jody Holford

  When their parents were fighting, all the normal brother-sister annoyances and arguments got tucked away like their heavy blankets in summer. When the dishes and words started flying, they stuck together. Jason said she was going to have to get tougher and not ‘cry like a baby’ every time they fought. That’s what grown-ups did, he said, and she’d better get used to it. He also said that he wasn’t sticking around ‘this shit’ forever. If their parents weren’t fighting, she would have told on him for saying bad words. She hoped he didn’t mean it because she didn’t want to lay there alone.

  “I don’t know,” Maddi answered, yawning.

  “You didn’t even try.”

  “A flag?”

  “No. Dumb answer. Try again.”

  “A bloody skunk?”

  “That’s pretty funny but no.”

  “I don’t know, Jason. Just tell me.”

  “A newspaper.”

  The rain beat down like it was part of the battle and didn’t want to be outdone. It was a contest between the elements and their parents to see who could rattle the windows harder.

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Cause you’re eight and eight-year-olds are dumb.”

  “Am not.”

  “Read all over … black and white and it’s r-e-a-d all over?”

  “Oh,” she murmured. That actually made sense, and she might have laughed if she could focus on anything but their voices.

  “Go to sleep, Mads,” Jason said, turning off the flashlight.

  “Will it always be like this?”

  “Probably. It’ll pass. You know that. Everything will be okay. Go to sleep.”

  “What if it gets worse?”

  “I’ll wake you up if I need to, okay?”

  “Okay. But aren’t you gonna sleep?”

  “Jesus, Maddi. I’ll sleep after you do. Now shut up.”

  She smiled in the darkness. Even when he was mad at her he still took care of her. He would wake her if they needed to get up and go with Mom or just get up and move somewhere safer. Mommy said Daddy’s anger was like a cloak. He couldn’t see when it was on, so they had to stay out of the way. It wasn’t often that dad came looking for them when his anger covered him, but every now and then he realized the best route to getting his own way was to use what Mama loved against her: them. Because Maddi trusted Jason not to let anything happen to her, she closed her eyes, snuggled in a little, and listened to the sound of the rain pelting the windows. If she tried real hard, she could drown out everything else.

  The thunder woke her in time to see the flash of lightning illuminate her room. Maddi shivered but she wasn’t cold. Throwing back the covers, she got out of bed and made her way out to the living room. She wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep right away, so there was no point in just lying there, remembering.

  She didn’t dream of Jason often. She thought of him even less. It bothered her that she was having more frequent dreams about her family. More lightning lit the sky and her apartment. The rain came down in bucket loads, the sky blackish grey. Sitting in her cozy chair by the window, Maddi thought it would be nice to watch the storm with a cup of tea or hot chocolate, but she was too lazy to make it. There were only a few cars on the street below. The trees waved back and forth like an aggressive hello.

  There hadn’t been a strong storm since she’d moved into town, and she was surprised to see one now with summer not far off. Maybe she’d stock up on candles, batteries, and flashlights. In case. When she was little, she’d always slept with a flashlight by her bed. Some kids slept with blankets or dolls, but she’d slept with a pocket flashlight in case she needed to get from her room to somewhere else in the house in a hurry.

  Standing, Maddi pressed her hand against the window. The rain water was like art, all the droplets swirling together as more came. Restlessness coursed through her veins. Sleep wouldn’t come easy so Maddi headed for the workroom instead. Sketches for Natalie’s necklace sat on her table. Noah was coming by the next day, with burgers. She’d made a date and despite her nerves, the idea of seeing him made her smile in the moonlit room. Switching on the lamp at her table, Maddi looked down at the sketches, adding detail to some.

  It was different, enjoyable even, to create something for someone she actually knew. The width and shape of the focal piece could be designed around Nat’s stature and size. It would be thin, elegant, like her neighbor. Maddi didn’t often get to design and create in such an intimate way. Yes, she designed many specialty items for customers but it was done via computer, people having seen her website and asking, “Can you make me something like that?”’

  Acknowledging the personal nature of this piece made the air rush out of her lungs painfully. What was she doing? Noah wanted her to believe their pace was up to her, but that control was an illusion. If she had any measure of control, she’d stop her belly from flip-flopping when she saw him or when he laughed. Last night, Maddi had been powerless to stop the tingling sensation when he’d kissed her cheek.

  “Focus.”

  The design was based on the Celtic symbol for inner strength. It would be shaped from doubled copper wire. The charm could hang on a chain or a bracelet, whichever Noah preferred, but that too would be copper wire. The doubling of the wire would give it a stronger frame and still allow it to be delicate.

  She looked forward to Noah seeing the design and to creating it for Natalie. Despite his concerns, his sister was settling in fine. Maddi saw Nat that morning heading out, presumably for work, when she’d been getting back from a run. They had waved at each other, and Natalie had given her a wide smile like they were old friends. The young woman needed time to heal, but her heart was still open and that was a point in Natalie’s favor; one that Maddi didn’t have going for herself.

  “Are you, like, seeing her?” Natalie asked him.

  Noah had popped up just to say hello. It was weird to come see Maddi without telling his sister he was here.

  “Are you, like, twelve?” he asked, tugging a strand of her hair playfully. She was dressed in pajamas already and, for a minute, he wanted to ask if she was feeling all right but reminded himself that she wasn’t twelve anymore.

  “What? That’s what it’s called. Unless you’re…”

  “Shut it, brat.” He cut her off. “I’m having dinner with her. I like her. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. See how your morning was because I didn’t get into the office.”

  “It was good. I’ve had to move a couple things around in your schedule for next week because some of the permits you were waiting on came through. I’ve downloaded a new calendar for your computer that syncs with your phone so that when I enter something, the appointment goes to your calendar and will alert you,” she answered, morphing into the adult version of herself.

  “Wow. Okay, that sounds really handy. Great. That’s good. So listen, your birthday is coming up.”

  “Twenty-five. Quarter century. If it were a hundred years ago, I’d be a spinster… or worse.”

  “A diva,” he interrupted.

  It was so strange how many facets his sister had that he overlooked. One moment she was the annoying sibling he’d grown up with. Another she was a competent, beautiful young woman. And in yet another, she was a woman who’d been battered and hurt by someone she loved. He didn’t understand how she bounced between each persona and still ended up being Nat.

  “Ha-ha.” She poked him in the stomach.

  “Why don’t we go out for dinner that night? My treat.”

  “Are you inviting Maddi?”

  “Would that be okay?”

  “Of course. It would be nice to have a friend,” she said.

  She slipped into the melancholy version of herself. He wanted to say Maddi wasn’t really looking for friendships and he was working his ass off just to spend time with her, but his burgers were getting cold and he didn’t want to have a long conversation. He leaned in, kissed her cheek.

  “Okay. I’ll ask her tonight, and I’l
l see you tomorrow.”

  “When you leave here?” she asked mischievously. He glared at her but it just made her laugh.

  “Good night, Nat.”

  He could hear her giggling even after she shut the door behind him. And there was the brat he was used to.

  It was barely a dozen steps to her door. In that time, eagerness pumped through him, making him smile before he even knocked. Maddi looked like soft sunshine when she opened the door. She was wearing a pair of jeans that hugged her hips and a pale yellow T-shirt. Her hair poured over her shoulders, all smooth and shiny, and made him want to reach out, wrap it around his hand.

  She smiled, without restraint, and his chest tightened uncomfortably. That happened a lot around her and if he wasn’t careful, this woman was going to have all the power before she’d even admitted to liking him. Somehow, he’d have to level the playing field. Or at least make her like him back.

  “Hello, Noah,” she said. The humor in her eyes and tone stole his voice momentarily.

  “Hi, Maddi,” he replied in a similarly playful tone. Holding up the bag of burgers, he walked into the apartment. It smelled like Windex.

  “Last minute cleaning?” he asked, nodding his head toward the bottle of Windex that was still sitting on the counter. She looked confused until she followed his gaze, then she walked to the counter and tucked it under the sink.

  “I was up watching the storm last night. I like the feel of the glass when it rains. Then the next day all I see is my handprints,” she smiled, blushing a little.

  Like his sister, she had many facets, and he supposed that was the thing about women that made them irresistible: their many amazing sides.

  “Yeah, nothing like a Denver storm. Beautiful if you’re in the right place.”

  Opening the bags at the counter, he sampled a fry to make sure they weren’t ice cold.

  “Definitely better watching it from somewhere warm and dry,” she said in return, passing him a plate. They filled their plates and sat at her counter, side by side, chatting about storms and Denver, barely noticing the fries were lukewarm.

  “I want to show you something,” she said when they’d finished. “Stay here.”

  Noah cleared the takeout bags off the counter while he waited. He helped himself to one of the sodas in the fridge and wondered why anyone would drink diet when, physically, they clearly didn’t need to. Maybe an acquired taste. She walked back in, looking a bit uncertain and more thoughtful than when she had left the room. Her fingers fidgeted with a piece of paper.

  “Please say if you don’t like it. If it doesn’t suit her or it’s not what you were thinking, I would rather you just told me.” Her voice was quiet but strong.

  Noah nodded, certain he’d like it based on what he’d seen of her work. She wouldn’t believe him if he told her that, so instead, he took the paper and looked at the sketch. It made him smile.

  “Are you going to believe me if I tell you that I think it’s beautiful?” he asked, glancing back up.

  “Are you telling the truth?” she asked, her eyes serious as though she’d be able to tell if he wasn’t. He held her gaze.

  “I always will.”

  She blinked once and frowned a little, as though she hadn’t expected that answer.

  “It’s delicate, like Nat. I like the way the design flows and interweaves. It suits her,” he explained. She smiled, tentatively, and tilted her head slightly.

  “It’s the Celtic symbol for inner strength. It can also represent family and love,” she told him quietly.

  He put the paper down on the counter and moved toward her very slowly, like he would a scared animal. Though his hands trembled with the thought of touching her, he wasn’t sure if he should. If he could.

  “Then it’s even more perfect than I thought,” he replied softly. Gently, he ran one of his hands down the smooth waterfall of her hair, enjoying its softness and being so close to her. Noah saw, because he watched her so intently, that she tensed at his touch. But she didn’t pull away. He let the hand that stroked her hair rest lightly on her shoulder while bringing the other up to gently cup her jaw. Her eyes watched him, unblinking.

  It had been so long since she had wanted anyone to kiss her or even be near her. Maddi forgot what it was like to wonder about the feel of someone’s lips. Noah Evans made her wonder. He made her want to know. The pounding of her heart felt frantic but also intriguing. His touch was gentle, and she knew he was gauging her response.

  Her hands itched to touch him back, to feel him under her fingertips. His touch soothed yet shot little fireworks down her arms. Maddi had forgotten the comfort of a simple touch, though there was nothing simple about the way Noah made her feel. She had never known what it was like to be looked at the way he was looking at her now. Fear of ending the moment stopped her from speaking, from anything other than breathing. So she stood there, absorbing his touch, savoring it, and waiting. When he leaned in, Maddi’s heart leapt frantically, stealing her breath. His face inched closer and her eyes closed without permission. His breath on her skin sent enchanting shivers along her spine, through her stomach. Maddi held her breath. Noah’s lips softly grazed her forehead, lingered, as his hand stroked her hair one more time. When he pulled back, he kept his hand on her arm.

  Maddi opened her eyes and stared into his, touched and confused at the same time. Her heart continued its erratic pace. Their combined breathing filled the silence. He watched her intently.

  “I thought you were going to kiss me,” she whispered, bringing her fingers to her lips.

  Noah groaned, even as he smiled, and pulled her against him to hug her. He just wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her tight with his cheek resting on top of her head. Unsure, she brought her hands up and around his waist. They stood there, holding onto each other, and Maddi had to bite her lip to keep from crying. She didn’t know if it was the sweetness of his kiss, how long it had been since she’d been embraced by anyone, or if it was the worry she’d read him wrong.

  Noah finally spoke. “Trust me. I want to. I can’t even tell you how much I want to. But I promise you Maddi, I won’t lie to you, I won’t hurt you, and I won’t do anything before you’re ready.”

  His voice was steady and strong, like his heartbeat under her cheek. She cherished the sweetness of his promise, even knowing he couldn’t possibly follow through. No one ever meant to hurt the people they were close to. They just did. That’s why it hurt so badly. Yet, he was leaving it up to her, again. He was there, accepting her, or what he knew of her, and letting her have the control she needed to feel safe. This, she thought, was what they meant by ‘the best of both worlds.’ Leaning back, Maddi looked up at him, waiting, hoping that her eyes told him what her voice could not.

  Noah closed the space between them with such cautious control that her heart was jackhammering by the time she felt his breath on her lips. This time her eyes closed only a little and his mouth touched hers. His eyes closed completely and her heart stumbled at the way he trusted her, wanted her, and just let himself fall into the kiss, into her. She realized, in a moment of clarity, by not trusting others, she had not allowed herself to be trusted either. Wanting so badly to trust in both of them, just for this moment, Maddi closed her eyes and moved her hands from his waist to his back. Without meaning to, she gripped his shirt in her hands, holding onto him tightly as she let go.

  The feel of his lips on hers was something she had never experienced. Not like this. He kissed her as though there was nothing in the world he would rather do. He kissed her gently, carefully, sliding his soft lips along hers like they tasted of something he couldn’t get enough of. She was drawn in, lost, captivated. His hand gently cupped her jaw, enhancing the kiss and making her feel safe. His mouth guided hers and he didn’t seem to notice, or mind, that she was long out of practice. His taste, touch, and scent surrounded her, and the strength of her desire threatened to choke her. Her throat tightened in panic when she realized how badly she didn
’t want to stop kissing Noah. The thought and the fear were what brought her up short. He stopped when she did but he didn’t loosen his grasp. He kept looking at her, one hand still on her face, one holding her tightly to him. His breath was ragged, like her own. Though a moment ago she couldn’t get close enough, she now felt closed in.

  Noah saw and felt the change in Maddi as she looked at him with her mesmerizing eyes. Right now, those eyes looked equal parts aroused, shocked, and scared to death. He didn’t mind the first two, but he didn’t want her to fear him in any way. She trembled in his arms.

  “It’s okay, Maddi,” he said comfortingly, unsure of what to say to help her relax again. She had fallen into their kiss degree by slow degree, and it’d been more incredible, hotter, and sweeter than he’d let himself imagine. He had questioned the intensity of his attraction, and the kiss had only magnified it. If he couldn’t smooth over the next few minutes, she’d convince herself she didn’t want this. There had been no place for hiding or secrets in that kiss. Maddi Brooks was as into him as he was her. He had no intention of messing it up by saying the wrong thing. Just follow her lead

  “It’s not okay,” she whispered but didn’t leave his arms. Perhaps she was still in shock that she’d enjoyed the kiss, let it happen. Whatever the reason, he didn’t want to breathe too deeply in case she pulled away.

  “Let it be. Please,” he said. Noah had given his share of apologies to women, bought flowers for some, a nice dinner, but he had never begged one. If Maddi asked him to go, he might just do so now. The silence hovered. She was gathering herself, rebuilding her walls. He knew that much by now. Once she pulled herself back together, cloaked herself in her strength, would she want him there?

  “I don’t know how.”

  “We’ll figure it out. Together.”