Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “I don’t think I can,” she said in a voice that revealed her longing. Hearing it confirmed that she wasn’t opposed to figuring it out, just scared. Scared he could deal with.

  “I think you can do anything,” he said, meaning it. She tilted her head slightly at his words, a look of surprise overriding the caution.

  “Why do you think that?”

  In a flash of clarity, he realized that she had no one to believe in her even for the simplest of things. She lived her life completely alone. Yes, she likely knew she was talented because her jewelry sold successfully, but that wasn’t the same as someone having, and voicing, faith in you. Knowing how tightly she’d closed herself off from the world, from people, ripped at his heart.

  “I see it in everything you do. The way you design and create, how you take for granted how successful you are at selling jewelry, how you stand on your own two feet. You care about others but are afraid to show it. You live by a self-imposed list of rules. You’re…amazing and charming and strong.”

  While she processed his words silently, he ran his hand up and down her arm, linking their fingers, and gently pulled her to the couch. Maddi sat beside him, turned toward him so their knees touched.

  “That was a wonderful thing to say to me, Noah. But…”

  “Maddi.” He shook his head at her in disbelief, “It’s not just words. I mean it. I am in awe of you. I have never met another woman that I felt so at ease with and so confused by. When I’m with you, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.”

  “You are…”

  She stopped to collect herself again, and he made himself breathe. He was pretty sure there was a serious role reversal happening here, and he had a quick flash of the times he’d used lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me. You’re great.” Please don’t let her say that to me.

  “You’re funny and charming. You’re genuine and I enjoy being with you,” she continued.

  “You forgot ruggedly handsome.”

  Her laugh lightened his mood. “See. That. You’re all of that. It makes it difficult not to want to be with you but honestly, I think it would be better for you, for both of us, if we didn’t explore this. I’ve chosen to live my life this way for a reason.”

  He wasn’t imagining the regret in her voice. “I get that. Maybe the reason is because you were waiting for me,” he said and cursed himself for sounding cheesy, particularly when her face broke out in a smile. That smile was like a sucker punch.

  Maddi rolled her eyes. “I forgot humble on that list.”

  His own smile was likely sheepish as he hadn’t meant it egotistically. He took her hand and pressed their palms together. Hers was deceptively dainty, yet it twisted wire into beauty, and when she touched him, he forgot everything but her.

  “I just mean that maybe you had to live your life that way to heal. I don’t think you get how strong you are, how strong you come across. Maybe it’s okay, even time, to try living a different way now,” he explained.

  “You don’t know me,” she argued softly, curling her fingers so their hands were linked. The gesture humbled him.

  “I know I want to know more. I hope you’ll trust me enough to open up, but I won’t push you. I want nothing from you, Maddi. I just want to be with you.”

  “Being with me without truly knowing who I am shouldn’t be enough for someone like you.”

  Noah’s heart slowed to a dull thud. She wasn’t saying no. “That’s my choice to make. If this is one-sided, tell me. Look at me and tell me you don’t want me here, that you don’t feel … whatever this is.”

  She leaned into him, tentatively touched her other hand to his chest, and lowered her gaze. When she looked up, her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

  “I feel too much. I don’t want to,” she said fiercely. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

  That was it. If he ever got to look back, he would know that was the moment he fell. Noah took her face in his hands, blinked back his own unexpected emotion, and touched his forehead to hers.

  “Sometimes it just doesn’t,” he said hoarsely. They met halfway this time in a kiss that pushed the secrets and uncertainties back into the shadows. He pulled her closer, letting his tongue lightly trace her lips, and felt immense satisfaction at the small sound of shock and pleasure she made. This time, he pulled back, and once again framed her face. She leaned against him, tucking her head onto his shoulder. Like she belonged there. With him. There were many things he didn’t know. He didn’t know what had hurt her or how. He didn’t know how to get past her walls or into her heart. What he did know, however, overrode everything else: she was it for him. All of the things he had walked away from in his life, there would be no walking away from her, at least not unscathed.

  Chapter 9

  “It’s too much.”

  Maddi stood in front of the full length mirror and played with the earrings she had practically shoved through the almost-grown-over holes. They were more copper than gold and looked nice against her skin. She could think that objectively because it was part of her job to know what textures, designs, and colors complimented skin tones, hair styles, and body shapes. She pulled the earrings out and walked back over to her dresser, unsure of which to choose. Several pieces were scattered across the vanity. Maybe she didn’t wear a lot of it, as Noah mentioned, but she had plenty. Some pieces couldn’t be parted with. There was something about some of them, bracelets in particular, that made them more than work. They pulled at her and made her reluctant to let go. Maddi reasoned that since she’d let go of everything else in her life, she could clutch these like a security blanket if she needed to.

  “These.” The pair of glass beads had minute diamonds woven around them in a thin circle. Small, simple, elegant. Beautiful but not dramatic. “Perfect.” Maddi smiled at her reflection and tried to ignore the swirling sensation in her stomach. When was the last time she’d been out for dinner? “Not out. Noah’s house.”

  Though she’d said no, repeatedly, Noah, in what he thought was a display of charm, kept at her. Finally, she’d shocked them both and blasted him. “Seriously, Noah! No! I said no. This is exactly why I avoid this, this … whatever this is,” she yelled, waving her arms back and forth between them. Her racing pulse made it hard to talk and breathe simultaneously. “I don’t go out to restaurants and giggle at jokes to impress a man. I don’t do birthday dinners and double dates.” She’d come dangerously close to hyperventilating. When she had calmed down some, regret, and shame, had shrouded her. Standing at the window, Maddi bit the inside of her cheek, wishing he would go before tears fell down her face.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, so close behind her but, wisely, not touching her.

  Guilt clawed at her embarrassment but she couldn’t turn around. She had a moment of surprise when his hands came to rest on her shoulders and it didn’t make her jolt. His hands felt heavy, solid, and secure.

  “Don’t,” she’d said, desperate to swallow the tears. If he was nice just then, she’d lose it. Who caused such a fuss over a simple dinner? Better with just him, than agreeing only to panic during Nat’s dinner.

  “Look at me,” he said, turning her so she did. Noah lifted her chin when she didn’t meet his eyes. One tear fell, and he gently wiped it with the pad of his thumb.

  “Don’t,” she repeated.

  “I’m sorry. I said I’d take it slow. You seem so strong that I forget that part of you…”

  “Part of me what?” she asked curtly, her tears receding.

  “Part of you isn’t. Don’t,” he said when she moved to pull away. “We all have some weakness inside of us, Maddi. You’re just so damn good at not letting yours show that I forgot. Come to dinner at my house instead. We’ll eat there.”

  She had pulled herself from his grasp, tripping over his words in her mind.

  “What’s yours?” she had asked, going into the kitchen. The small counter gave her space. He looked at her and she saw frustration in his stiff stan
ce, the way he ran his hands through his hair.

  “What?”

  “What’s your weakness?” she asked again, keeping her breath even and calm. Noah stopped running his hands through his hair, looked out at the sun setting over Denver and let out an exasperated laugh. He stalked over to her but stayed on the other side of the counter.

  “You. Okay? Apparently, you are my weakness. And Nat. And the fucking guilt I feel over not being able to do anything to help either of you trust in me enough to know I won’t let you down. Watching you curl into yourself rather than reach out to me levels me. That’s my weakness.”

  His voice had been rough when he’d said it and the easy-going glint that usually lit his eyes was gone. He kept looking at her like he wanted to say more. Then he breathed out a sigh, walked to her side of the counter. She didn’t turn into him, though in the last few days, it’d been easier and more natural to do so.

  “Whatever way works for you, Maddi. Restaurant, my house, or not at all,” he said quietly.

  She felt the tears prickle again. “You should want more,” she whispered.

  “I do. But I want it with you. I want you, so I can wait. I can be pissed and still want you. This doesn’t change that,” he said, his voice smoother, more gentle. He leaned in and kissed her temple then turned and let himself out.

  Noah stepped out of the shower, grabbed the towel that he forgot to take off the back of the door. Wrapping it around his waist, he pulled another from the linen closet to wipe up the water he was getting all over the floor. He’d cleaned the house earlier, and it was turning out to be a major pain the ass to keep it that way. It was huge that Maddi was coming to his house for Natalie’s birthday. She probably wouldn’t walk away if the towels weren’t straight, but he wasn’t taking any chances. Rubbing at his chest with a third towel, he shook his head, splashing more water droplets around.

  “I’m turning into a fuckin’ girl.” He tossed the towel onto the floor. He couldn’t believe he was worrying about whether the house was clean, if she’d show up, if she’d like his house. He wiped off the bathroom mirror and began running the water to shave.

  “Nat’s birthday. Focus on that,” he told his reflection. Nat was picking up the Chinese food he’d ordered. Noah had offered pick up Maddi, but she’d refused and wouldn’t even discuss driving over with Nat. When she’d phoned him, after they’d fought, he didn’t think she’d come around at all. He’d been pissed at himself for pushing so hard. But she had to give a little. She’d had her chance to say no and now every time they were together, he wanted her more. He truly didn’t mind giving her time, learning her boundaries while trying to break through the barriers, but she had to meet him at least partway.

  “It’s just a dinner,” he thought, pulling the razor over his skin smoothly, removing the few days’ growth. It was more than that to Maddi though. His phone rang and his hand slipped. “Shit,” he muttered, grabbing the towel he’d thrown on the floor and holding it to his neck to go in search of the phone. He was pretty sure he’d left it in the kitchen and was making his way there when he cracked his foot on the corner of the wall. “Fuck,” he growled. Towel loose around his hips, one towel held to his throat, foot throbbing, he picked up the phone and saw Nat’s number on caller I.D.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, pulling the towel away from his neck.

  “With what? Nothing. Why, is something wrong?” Nat asked, her voice hitting a high note by the end.

  “No,” Noah said more calmly, taking a deep breath. “Nothing’s wrong. Just wondered why you’re calling when you’re supposed to be here?”

  “Oh. I just wanted to let you know they were running behind with the order and I’d be a few minutes late,” she explained.

  “No worries. I’m not even…” He was cut off by the ringing of his doorbell. “Shit. Nat, I gotta go. I think Maddi is here. I’ll see you soon, okay? And I already paid for it over the phone.”

  He clicked off before she could respond and made his way to the door. Sure enough, Maddi stood, stiffly, on his front porch, looking around. The door was glass on the top, so when she finally turned her head back toward the door, he was the first thing she saw. A surge of satisfaction hummed through him, heating his blood, when her eyes widened. He hadn’t intended to answer the door half-naked, but he didn’t mind her appreciating the view. He really had planned to be ready when she arrived though. Shrugging, he grinned when their eyes met.

  Maddi hoped that her mouth wasn’t literally hanging open but in her mind, it was. Over the last week and a bit, she’d grown more comfortable with Noah in her space. He was very “touchy,” which she wasn’t used to but definitely enjoyed. The way he’d brush his hand through her hair, stroke his thumb across her cheek, and kiss her gently. All extremely nice sensations that made her curious and too warm. Looking at him now, wearing nothing as far as she could see, she was unsure whether she could be close to him while he was wearing so little. His well-defined chest had a small smattering of hair, and she gasped when she realized she wanted to know what it felt like. Noah opened the door and she stood frozen, staring at the hard, sexy ridges of his stomach, feeling heat rise on her skin. Under her skin. Everywhere.

  “Hello, Maddi,” he said, grinning like a man very aware that he was worthy of staring at. Drawing a deep breath, she straightened her shoulders and met his eyes.

  “Hi, Noah.” She smiled stiffly, uncertain, uncomfortable, and full of unwanted desire.

  “I think you’re early,” he commented casually, moving aside, which caused the towel to sway slightly at his thighs. What was wrong with her? She’d seen legs before. Maddi cleared her throat and stepped inside.

  “Maybe next time you have company you should put getting dressed first on your ‘to-do’ list.”

  She turned away to slip off her low-heeled sandals in the entryway and pull in a measured breath. He chuckled as he shut the door, and she could feel his breath behind her when he leaned in close.

  “Duly noted.” He kissed her cheek from behind. Maddi stepped forward, just out of reach, and placed the two small gift bags she’d brought on the entryway table.

  “You look very pretty,” he said sincerely, the glint of amusement replaced by hunger.

  Maddi set her purse on the table as well. Finally deciding on casual, she wore dark grey Capris and a loose flowing tank top that gave the impression she could breathe. It didn’t feel like she could right this minute though.

  “Thank you. Is this okay here?” she asked, referring to her purse. He nodded, watching her speculatively. She tried not to watch the water droplets trace their way down, over his smooth skin, along the thin trail of hair, into the towel.

  “You okay, Mads?” he asked, causing her head to jolt up and her eyes to widen in surprise.

  “Why did you call me that?” she asked warily. Pressure slammed into her chest. Noah’s eyes showed immediate concern.

  “I don’t know. It just came out. You don’t like nicknames?”

  “No. It’s not that. It’s just that…” She trailed off. It’s not like she was going to finish her sentence and tell him that Jason used to call her that. Noah stepped closer. Into her space. In just his towel. The air left her lungs.

  “How about endearments? Will that be a problem?” he asked, a slight grin curving his lips.

  “What? No. I don’t know. How am I supposed to answer that?” she asked, looking up.

  “Well, you could tell me if nicknames and such bother you. I don’t want to be calling you ‘snuggle bunny’ if it’s going to piss you off,” he said thoughtfully.

  Maddi couldn’t stop the burst of laughter. “I think that probably would piss me off. I also think this conversation would be easier if you weren’t, if you were…” She trailed off again as she gestured to his state of undress. He grinned like he’d won the lottery.

  “If I wasn’t?”

  She arched her eyebrow, or tried to, and he laughed again. Easily, as though he had the right to, he
leaned in and kissed her lips lightly. Maddi shivered, fisting her fingers at her side to keep them from touching his body.

  “I’ll go get dressed. You think of nicknames for me.”

  “Oh, I can come up with a few,” she answered, making him laugh again as he strolled down the hallway toward, what she presumed was, the bedroom.

  Noah was still laughing when he got to his bedroom, and he threw on some shorts and a T- shirt. He loved watching that pale pink blush rise over her cheeks. Standoffish, prickly, soft and sweet. It didn’t seem to matter. Maddi had him hooked. Nat showed up shortly after, and he felt utterly relaxed as he leaned back in a deck chair, took a long sip of cola, and listened to Nat and Maddi talk. It was just the three of them, though he’d considered inviting Ryan. Better not to push Maddi’s limits all at once. She was here. That was enough for him.

  “Do you run every day?” Nat asked, taking a small forkful of Chow Mein.

  “Most days. I haven’t been through the winter here, but I don’t imagine I’ll be running then. Not outdoors anyway,” she answered, patting her lips with a napkin. Noah noticed she’d barely eaten a thing and figured her nerves were keeping her stomach full.

  “I need to do something. I haven’t worked out for … well, way too long. Unless you count lifting and unpacking boxes.” Nat said.

  “It all counts. You’ll find your routine,” Maddi said in return. She didn’t invite Nat to join her in running, as most people might have. Nat pushed her plate forward and zeroed in on Noah.

  “I think it’s present time!” she declared. Noah laughed at the look of surprise on Maddi’s face. Noah expected his sister’s bluntness and was surprised she had held out this long.

  “I’ll get them,” Maddi offered, rising. She took some of the plates with her as she went back into his kitchen.

  “She’s nice. Quiet and a little hard to read but nice,” Nat said, using a napkin to push imaginary crumbs around.