Damaged

by Jody Holford

The burliest of the three cops held Noah’s arms. “I have to see if my sister is okay. She lives right there! Natalie!” One of the cops, the only female, was pulling the guy up when she nodded toward the door. Cop Three knocked on Nat’s door, identified himself through the door, and Noah knew what real fear was at that moment. Had her ex been inside? Had he hurt her? He’d kill him if—

  The door opened a crack. Noah could see Nat’s scared face looking through. It was streaked with tears, and she wasn’t talking but she looked okay. When she saw Noah she opened the door all the way and launched herself at him. He couldn’t brace himself for her with the cop holding his arms, so she knocked the wind out of him.

  “Ma’am, you’re gonna have to back up, please,” Burly said.

  “This is my brother.” One hand clutched Noah’s shirt while the other pointed at her ex. “He’s who you’re here fore,” she said around a sob. The cop still held Noah’s arms but his grip loosened.

  “It’s true. That’s the one that was whooping and hollering,” an older lady a few doors down, wearing a garbage-bag green housecoat, piped up, opening her door all the way now. She pointed at Noah. “That one just showed up before you.”

  Nat sobbed when the cop released his arms. The female cop, almost half the size of Nat’s ex, was cuffing him. He’d stopped swearing with the audience around.

  “All right,” Cop Three said complacently. “Miss, why don’t you tell us what happened.”

  Noah grabbed Nat by the shoulders and pushed her away from him gently.

  “Nat. Come on, honey. You’re okay. Tell them what happened,” Noah said, putting his arm around her shoulder. Her heart was jackhammering, or maybe it was his.

  “He just … he just showed up. I don’t know why. I don’t know how he got into the building,” she cried.

  “Why don’t we go inside and talk for a few minutes. Officer Trace, you guys take him down to the car,” Cop Three drawled lazily.

  They ushered Nat inside after he told the neighbors they’d need statements shortly. Noah wanted to check on Maddi but she was safe, and he needed to make sure Natalie was okay. Maybe moving her in with him was not such a bad idea after all.

  “You okay?” he asked stupidly. She was still crying softly so obviously she didn’t feel okay. “Did he hurt you? Did you let him in?” The officer joined them in Nat’s kitchen. She had a small table by the window that had four unsteady chairs settled around it.

  By the time Officer Keats had taken Nat’s statement, Noah’s pulse had settled down. Nat had calmed down during her statement. She’d been about to head to the grocery store when her ex, Lyle Stevens, had stepped out of the elevator. She’d immediately turned to go back in and locked the door. From there, she’d basically curled up into a ball and cried. Noah caught himself before he chastised her for not calling him or the cops, realizing what an ass that would make him. Natalie had gone inside and that was all that mattered. She was safe. It took close to an hour to wrap things up. He walked the officer out and asked that he contact him instead of Nat. Yes, she had to take care of herself, but he could damn well help her. He returned to the kitchen where Nat was making tea.

  “You want some?”

  Her voice was steady but her face was pale, worry lines creased her forehead, and she looked tired.

  “Let me make that for you,” he offered, gently nudging her aside with his hip. Natalie turned into him and wrapped her arms around him.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “What do you have to be sorry about?” he asked, surprised and frustrated.

  “I should have called you or the cops. I should have done something but I just sat there.”

  “Nat, look at me,” he said, moving her chin so she had to. “You got yourself in the apartment when you needed to. You didn’t open the door. You didn’t try to talk to him or let him in or reason with him. In my books, you did all the right things.”

  “I’m so glad someone called the police. Were you on your way here?”

  “No. Maddi called me. I should go check on her. She was pretty shaken up. Will you be okay here for a bit?”

  “Yes. You’ll be back?”

  “Of course. I’ve got an extra set of clothes in my truck. I’ll grab them, check on Maddi, and be back. Tomorrow we’ll go fill out the papers for a restraining order.” He kissed her forehead. In the hall, he took a deep breath and waited until he heard the click of the lock to head over to Maddi’s. His bag could wait; seeing Maddi couldn’t.

  Maddi heard the knock, expected the knock at some point, but still jumped when it came. The police officer had been kind and taken her statement as quickly as possible. She knew how to give a statement in an expedient and concise way. She’d known Noah would be by at some point but still checked the peephole to be sure. Her chest loosened slightly when she saw him. I don’t need him to be okay. She shook off the thought and allowed herself the comfort of knowing he’d come to check on her. Straightening her shoulders and pulling out an amicable smile, she opened the door.

  “Hey,” he said, quietly.

  His eyes were shadowed and he looked like he’d rushed from a job site. His T- shirt had a small hole in the shoulder, and his hair looked like he’d just climbed out of bed. He stepped into her without waiting and pulled her close.

  Maddi’s lip trembled. “Hi. Are you okay? Is Nat?”

  “Yes. Are you?” he asked, looking down at her. He kissed her lips before she could reply. His mouth was soft but seeking, assuring and reassuring as he took and gave. Without meaning to, she pressed closer to him, gripped his shirt, and let herself both assure and be reassured. Noah looked down at her again before turning to close the door.

  “I’m okay. I made cookies,” she told him inanely.

  “Mmm. I can smell them. I thought you didn’t cook.”

  “I don’t, really. But I can bake. Anyone can bake chocolate chip cookies.”

  “Remind me never to make some for you so you don’t stop thinking that.” He smiled and ran his hands through her hair, lifting it, wrapping his hands up in it. Maddi’s heart skipped and she had to blink the tears from her eyes.

  “Thank you,” he whispered.

  “For what?”

  “For calling me. For watching out for Nat. For staying safe and not being the chick in the horror movie that opens the door.”

  “I did open the door.”

  “After I showed up. That chick doesn’t die in the movie.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. Someone else probably called the police as well.”

  “Maybe. But none of them called me to make sure I was here. So thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Is Natalie really okay? Who was that?” Needing to move, Maddi walked to the kitchen and moved cookies from the pan to a plate while he told her. When she placed the cookies in front of him, he didn’t hesitate to grab one and take a bite. He pushed the plate toward her but she shook her head. Her stomach rejected the idea of food.

  “You really can bake. These are good.”

  She smiled in response. Somehow, she didn’t think it was a good time to say, “Thank you. They’re my standard, go-to, post-domestic-disturbance cookies. I’ve made them plenty of times.”

  Unable to sit, Maddi stood, forcing her limbs to loosen while he explained what she had already guessed: ex-boyfriend finds out where wayward girlfriend is. She was glad Nat and Noah were okay. Relieved. The hair on the back of her neck prickled when she realized how much she cared that they were safe. The slippery slope of this relationship suddenly seemed more like an avalanche.

  “We’ll get a restraining order tomorrow. I’m going to crash on her couch tonight. Maybe I’ll sneak over to my girlfriend’s house when Nat falls asleep,” he teased.

  Maddi’s shoulders stiffened and the pressure returned to her chest. She took his plate and placed it in the dishwasher then jammed the pans in as well, forcing them when they didn’t fit. From the corner of her eye, she saw him rise from his stool but
ignored him. How could she focus on him when she couldn’t even settle her heart rate? When she couldn’t even load the damn dishwasher with steady hands? When he stood behind her, surrounding her, blocking her in, she couldn’t ignore him.

  “You’re in my way.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” he said solemnly. She stopped, turned to face him.

  “What does that mean?”

  “Was it the word girlfriend?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Your walls just went up so fast I got whiplash.” She moved past him.

  “You should go be with Nat,” she urged. She bit her lip, focused on the feel of her teeth digging in to distract herself from the tears that threatened.

  “I’ll be with Nat when I’m finished talking to you. Come here, Maddi,” he said softly, staying rooted to his spot in the tiny kitchen. She ran her hand along the back of the couch as she paced.

  “You should focus on your sister.” She found a loose thread on the couch and pulled at it. It kept slipping through her fingers every time she was able to get a hold on it.

  “She’s having a cup of tea. I’m focused on you right now.”

  “I don’t think that this should go any further,” she said. Panic flared in her stomach when the words left her mouth. Tightening her fingers on the tiny string, she pulled at the thread again. There were too many variables. This is why she avoided all of this. She just wanted to live her life, alone, free from drama and the inevitable disappointment that followed relationships.

  “We’ve been here before. We’ll be here again. Come here, Maddi,” he repeated. Her fingers stilled and she looked at him.

  “I’m fine here. Noah, your sister needs you and to be honest, I don’t need this. I like my life the way it is. Was.”

  He tilted his head, studied her, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Empty? Controlled by fear?”

  Her eyes narrowed as she walked closer but still maintained her distance. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me.”

  “I am not controlled by anything or anyone. I live my life the way I want to, and my choice to live it alone does not make it empty.”

  “Maddi, you think you have control but you don’t. Whatever happened to you—you let it define everything you are. Everything you do. You’ve locked yourself up in this tiny space because you’re too scared to care. That’s not control. It’s not even really living,” Noah said softly. He took a step forward and she took one back.

  Maddi couldn’t breathe. “You should go.”

  “Because I care about you? Because you care about me?”

  “Because Natalie needs you.”

  “Do you care about me?” he asked.

  She looked at him and wanted to say “no.” Caring led to needing, but she knew she was already past that point. Besides, she knew that he could see it. She’d never been able to hide her emotions. “You’re the worst liar ever,” Jason said as they hid downstairs to ride out the storm.

  “Come here, Maddi.”

  His words pulled her out of her own thoughts. Part of Maddi wanted to throw her arms around him and not let go. Another part wanted to throw him out.

  It may have seemed stupid to hold his ground and make her walk the five feet to him, but he felt it was somehow symbolic. This time, Maddi had to come to him. If she came to him, it would mean progress. He watched the debate play out in her expressions. Exhaustion shone in her stormy eyes and her lips were drawn down into a frown. He hated thinking that what happened today brought back something horrible for her, which clearly it had.

  “I told you I don’t know how to do this,” she whispered.

  His gut clenched at the look of sorrow on her face. “Well, typically, when a couple has an argument, they listen to each other’s points of view and then get right to the make-up sex,” he said, smiling at her. Her brows creased in response and she pursed her lips, making him wonder if his joke was poorly timed. He needed to hear her laugh.

  Understanding dawned and she gave him a haughty look. “I didn’t mean how to have an argument.”

  Jesus, she was cute, and he was tired of standing in the same spot.

  “I needed to make sure because I can’t have you dumping me every time we argue,” he said reasonably.

  Maddi let out a long, deep sigh before covering her face with her hands. Thinking he’d made her cry, he stepped forward to go to her when she looked up and began walking toward him. His heart lurched in his chest. He didn’t want to screw things up, but he couldn’t be the only one in this either. Noah hadn’t expected to fall hard and fast or so thoroughly. Not that he was anti-relationship, he’d just never put in much effort to maintain one. Familial, platonic, or otherwise.

  “I do care about you. More than I should.”

  She was just out of his reach, and he closed the distance only to have her hand come up between them.

  “But not enough for this. I can’t do this.”

  “Maddi.”

  “Let me go.”

  Something cracked inside of him, made his voice unsteady. “I don’t want to.”

  Her lips firmed and tears shimmered but she kept her back straight, her jaw clenched.

  “It’s too much.”

  Noah didn’t want to lose her. Panic made his breathing shallow. “It’ll be okay,

  Maddi.”

  “Let me go.”

  “You’re who I want.”

  “You can’t know that.”

  He took a step closer, crowded her in her space purposely, but didn’t touch her.

  “I thought that too. How can someone know? How can they be sure? I’ve walked away from enough things in my life to realize that none of them hurt like this is going to. The things I walked away from made me stronger. This won’t. And it won’t fix what’s broken inside of you, Maddi.” He thumped his hand against his chest. “I know. I’m sure. I can’t let you go. You’ll always be part of me. But I’ll go. Until you’re sure.”

  “I won’t ever be sure.”

  “When you’re ready, I’ll be sure enough for both of us.” He touched her cheek just lightly enough to torture himself and pulled his hand back before he could haul her close. Noah thought he heard the pieces of his heart cracking as he walked past her, opened the door, and let himself out.

  Maddi stared at the door, expecting him to come back. “He did what you asked.” He let her go. Her knees threatened to buckle, forcing her to move or fall. She chose to move, lock the door, and sink down against it onto the floor. “This is what you wanted.”

  An ache started just under her ribcage. It wound itself around each of her ribs, individually, tightened painfully, like an internal corset. She pulled her knees up and kept her back to the door. “It’s better this way.”

  “I’m not scared!” she had told him, jumping at every boom of thunder.

  “Worst liar ever.” Jason had laughed again.

  Chapter 12

  “Natalie won’t come stay with me.”

  Noah handed Ryan his beer and twisted the cap off his own. He used his thumb and middle finger to flick it hard against the railing. It pinged and bounced backward.

  “Why don’t you go stay with her for a bit?” Ryan asked after a long swallow. His long legs were stretched up onto the rail. They were kicking back on the patio after a long, hot day. It was barely spring, but today had felt like summer. The property would look good lined with trees or bushes. He wasn’t planting flowers, but he couldn’t deny he liked walking past the scent of them in bloom. Maybe he could get Nat to plant something. He wondered if Maddi had a favorite flower. Her hair always smelled flowery and fresh. Noah wanted to get more work done on the house while the weather was still cool so when summer came, he could focus on the yard. With a frustrated sigh, Noah shook his head, tried to clear his thoughts, but couldn’t focus on anything except Maddi and how much he fucking missed her. Which was pathetic, seeing as it had only been a week since he’d walked out of her apartme
nt.

  “Nat doesn’t want that either. She’s got the restraining order and insists that if I stay there, it would be like giving up her independence.”

  Ryan tilted the tip of his bottle in Noah’s direction. “She’s not wrong.”

  Noah glared at his friend but sank down in the chair beside him, and put his bare feet up on the rail. He grabbed a handful of chips even though he wasn’t hungry and shoved a couple in his mouth. Ryan did the same.

  Clearing his throat in an obvious way, Ryan asked, “You talk to Maddi?”

  “Nope.”

  “Maybe you ought to take the stick out of your ass before you do.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Not likely.”

  Noah tipped his beer and finished it off in a few gulps. It did nothing to wash away the anger. There was nothing he could do to make either woman see his point of view. “Maddi told me to let her go.” More restless than he could ever remember being, Noah pushed up out of his chair, intending to get another beer. Ryan had shown up moments after he’d gotten out of the shower. He wasn’t in the mood for company but Ryan had brought beer, so Noah made the concession.

  “Maybe she’s not wrong either,” Ryan suggested, putting his feet down and standing. He was about the same height as Noah but with wider shoulders and raven black hair that drew lots of female attention his way.

  Noah’s hand clenched on the empty bottle. “Let me repeat myself: fuck you.”

  Ryan just smiled and punched Noah in the arm. Noah had an urge to return the favor but didn’t really want to get his ass kicked. Though, even that would feel better than the misery eating a hole in his stomach.

  “Well, you can curl up in a ball and cry about it,” he said, making Noah want to risk the ass-kicking. “Or, you can grow a pair and tell her you love her.”

  The words Noah hadn’t said aloud, the thoughts he wouldn’t let form fully in his head wrecked whatever composure he had managed to hold onto. Turning away, Noah yanked the patio door open and went into the kitchen. The beer bottle banged against the counter when he set it down. Grabbing another, he’d opened it and taken a drink by the time Ryan came in. Noah passed him a fresh beer.