Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “I’m just going to brush my teeth. Throw on something to sleep in. Do you need to use the bathroom first?” he asked. She shook her head, her teeth biting into her bottom lip. He leaned down to kiss her gently and run his hand down her hair. He loved her hair.

  “Get into bed. I won’t be long.” She nodded, and he went to grab some boxers so he didn’t make her nervous when he came to bed. Sleeping naked, as he normally did, would probably not put her at ease.

  When he thought she’d had enough time to get settled, Noah made his way toward the bed. He could barely make out her shape in the dark, but he could hear her breathing. He moved slowly, giving her a chance to react or change her mind. Her breathing quickened a little when he pulled back the covers but by the time he was settled on his side, facing her, his hand resting on her hip, hers resting on his chest, it had slowed again.

  His heart hammered so hard there was no way she didn’t feel it. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes. You?”

  “Pretty good.”

  “You smell good,” she said, leaning in slightly.

  He couldn’t see her yet, but he felt her shift forward, heard her inhale deeply. Noah closed his eyes and tried to keep all parts of his body relaxed.

  Unclenching his teeth, he said, “So do you.”

  “So what do you want to talk about?”

  Anything but how much I want to kiss you right now. “Nothing.”

  “What’s your favorite color?” she asked, moving her fingers slightly through his chest hair.

  It was hard to think. “Uh, I don’t know. Blue, I guess. Yours?”

  “Black.”

  Trying to focus, he went next. “Song?”

  “Too many to list. I love music. You?”

  “Same.”

  “How old were you when you left home?”

  His fingers grazed her soft skin. “Nineteen. Followed a girl I thought I loved. I liked it here, so I stayed.”

  “Hmm,” she murmured, her voice a little thicker. “What happened to the girl?”

  “Don’t know. We broke up a few weeks after getting here,” he answered, moving his fingers lightly on her hip. It was impossible not to touch her. His shirt was bunched up a bit, and he could feel the thin band of her underwear.

  “What do you do when you’re by yourself?”

  “Think about you.”

  “Smooth. You’re good at that.” She laughed. He pulled her in just a little.

  “Maybe. But it’s still true. I spend a lot of nights working on the house. You’re welcome to help since you thought it sounded like fun.”

  “Maybe I will sometime. Nat seemed to like her presents.”

  He could hear her voice getting sleepy, and a contented warmth curled in his chest, throwing him off balance.

  “That’s because they’re beautiful. Thank you,” he answered. He kissed her mouth, let his lips linger.

  “You’re welcome.” She sighed and kissed him back.

  They lay there, in the dark, breathing each other’s air and running their fingers softly over each other’s skin. It was tempting and intimate. And because it was Maddi, meaningful. When her breathing became heavier and his own eyes wanted to stay closed, he leaned in again.

  “Good night, Maddi.”

  “Night, Noah.”

  Maddi woke with the weight and the fresh, soapy scent of him surrounding her. At some point in the last couple of hours, she had turned and he had moved in behind her, his front to her back. She lay there, with him wrapped around her, and listened to his breathing. The rhythmic in and out was a comfort.

  She had always wondered why her mother had stayed with her father. Her mom always said love was full of ups and downs and you didn’t leave just because you hit a low. If you loved, you loved forever. Maddi believed a part of her mother felt that way. But underneath that was a far simpler truth: she stayed because her father wouldn’t let her leave.

  When Maddi asked Noah what he would say if she changed her mind, his answer had soothed some aching place inside her. He wanted her but only if she wanted him back. If she wanted to go, he would let her leave. It scared her to think maybe that had been true for her mom and dad at one point as well. But she knew, from old letters they’d written each other, theirs had always been a possessive, unhealthy love. She didn’t want to think of them.

  Being with Noah brought them to the front of her mind more often, like letting him in opened buried memories. Maddi wanted to be here with him now, like this. Looking forward to seeing him or the tiny thrill she got in her belly from hearing his voice terrified her, but she wanted this. With him. Still, with need came all of the things that could break her. All the things that had broken her mother. Maddi had never been taught how to balance her feelings, so how did learn now?

  Noah stirred, shifted. His body was warm, his hand running over her belly. The tingle that ran over her skin from the warmth of his fingertips was exciting and enchanting. Curious, she turned to face him. His eyes drifted open, shut, open, as she snuggled in.

  “Hi,” he whispered.

  She hadn’t meant to wake him. They’d barely gone to sleep. “Hi.” He ran his hand absently up and down her side, and she wanted to be closer. When she moved, his eyes widened a little.

  “Maddi,” he said, his voice low and rough. A gentle warning that sent a shiver up her spine. The good kind that she read about in books or saw on TV.

  Maddi inched closer. She liked the feel of him, the warmth that emanated from his body and seeped inside of her like water washing over her skin.

  “You’re so warm,” she whispered, moving closer to that heat. Noah let out a strained laugh.

  “Yeah. I feel pretty warm. Honey, you should go back to sleep,” he said thick with sleep or maybe something else.

  His hand moved lazily along her thigh and back up, pushing his soft T- shirt slightly. More shivers. More curiosity. And a tumbling in her stomach that felt like anticipation. His shirt was soft, like the hair on his chest, and her mind wandered. Maddi started to think about things she never thought she’d want. The feel of Noah against her, without his shirt in the way. His fingertips tracing over her skin, soft like his lips. His lips on her body.

  “That one is nice,” she whispered, moving her hands up his chest. What would it be like to kiss him there? The soft curls tickled her fingertips.

  “What?” he asked, his eyes alert now, his breathing heavier.

  “Honey. It’s way better than snuggle bunny,” she said, then moved her hands up through his sleep-tousled hair.

  This was killing him. Noah was going to die, right here, beside her. Not that he was complaining. He could taste the sweetness of her breath mixing with his. Her smooth thighs were plastered to his, and there was no way she could be unaware of the effect this was having on him. All warm and soft, Maddi stared at him through the moonlit darkness with those eyes that did him in. Without even trying, she was sexy and compelling. Then in the midst of wanting her so bad it hurt, she made him laugh. It took everything in him to restrain the urge to push her on her back, cover her, and assuage the need that was pumping through every part of him.

  His knuckles brushed over her stomach and she trembled. “You’re killing me, Maddi.”

  “No. I’m touching you.”

  He shook his head, gripped her hip with his hand. “You don’t get it. You have no idea how sexy you are,” he said, almost to himself. The glow of the nearly full moon let him see her smile, bright and wide and sweet. Just one soft kiss. When she sighed, Noah worried he might become addicted to the sound. Just one more. Trailing his lips along the underside of her jaw, he found her lips, slightly parted, waiting for him.

  In between feather-light kisses, she murmured, “I like that you think so.” Maddi’s hand stroked up and down his side. Back and forth, until he thought he couldn’t stand it. He wanted her hands everywhere.

  “Ha. It’s pretty much all I think about. But Maddi, honey, we have to stop,” he said
, stilling her hands with his. A tiny flash of hurt crossed her face. She moved back slightly but Noah gripped her, held her still.

  “Uh-uh. Don’t back away because I’m trying to be honorable. This is hard enough and, yes, I mean that literally. You’re not ready.” Hurt was replaced by surprise and a wide smile.

  Those hands started moving again. “Are you protecting me, Noah?”

  Through clenched teeth, he asked, “Why is that funny?”

  “I told you I don’t need to be saved.”

  “I’m not trying to save you. I’m just … this conversation is stupid.”

  Her lips curved against his skin. “I’m entitled. You start stupid conversations all the time.”

  He couldn’t believe they were having this conversation at all. “Ouch.”

  She laughed and shifted so there was no space between them. Just three thin items of clothing. Noah groaned and touched his forehead to hers. “Noah, I’m not a piece of glass.”

  “I had to beg you to stay.”

  “I stayed.”

  “I promised I wouldn’t try anything.”

  Maddi’s hands trailed down to his hip, down his thigh. Her voice was a whisper. “I didn’t.”

  No other woman ever made him ache with need and laugh at the same time. Deciding he’d tried his best to do the right thing, he moved his hand down, slowly cupping her ass so he could pull her impossibly closer. When his mouth touched hers, he knew there wasn’t much he’d turn her down on. Certainly not this. He needed her more than air. More than anything. He tried to go slow. Fingers grazing, lips lingering. Then Maddi arched into him, her breath coming out in long, dreamy sighs. Noah moved over her, kept his weight on his forearms, and brushed back her hair with both hands. Tension and need coiled inside of him, threatening to break him. Just looking at her made it hard to breathe, especially with her looking up at him with an affectionate mixture of desire and trust. Oddly enough, the trust turned him on more. Maddi smiled, just the slightest curve of her lips as she moved her hand along his jaw. When she leaned up and closed the distance between them, everything, but the two of them, faded away.

  Chapter 11

  Maddi’s hand slipped as she wound the wire into the shape of a heart. She dropped the pliers, pulled the end of the wire out of her skin, and stuck her finger into her mouth.

  “This is what happens when you don’t concentrate.”

  Taking a look at her finger, she saw that it was only a slight cut, not too deep, but she hated blood. Just that small nick made her head feel fuzzy. She rose to get a bandage but stopped when her head reeled and her vision wavered. With both hands, she gripped the edge of the table, took a deep breath.

  “Focus on your work rather than Noah and you won’t do things like this,” she mumbled, walking to the bathroom. It was so hard not to think about him though. The other night had been nothing short of incredible. The little experience she had had before him was as a sixteen-year-old girl getting in over her head with an overly eager, borderline aggressive seventeen-year-old boy who lived in the same foster home. She’d mistaken lust for affection with Justin and hadn’t been sure how to stop something that had started out feeling nice. He’d made it clear afterward that he didn’t feel affection for her. Until he came to her again and claimed he did. A sixteen-year-old with a desperate desire to belong, to love, and be held was easy prey, but she didn’t play the fool again after the second time.

  It had been nothing like that with Noah. Maddi knew, at first, pleasant sensations rode through you, over you, making your skin feel like it was dancing. She’d expected that to shift, to change into something else, as it had during both her first and second times. Under Noah’s hands, his mouth, the sensations had shifted for sure, but in the most unexpectedly enjoyable and intense experience of her life. Now, she couldn’t stop thinking about it, reliving every enthralling moment, which, in itself, sent shivers over her skin and left a delicious feeling in her belly. Wrapping her finger, she went to get a drink. Obviously it was time for a break.

  As a feature designer for Seamless, she hoped to create a completely new, special line of products. The heart image came to her late the night before when she couldn’t sleep. The colored wire was woven into itself, tangled so you couldn’t tell where it started or ended. It was difficult, especially using the cold wire to get the shape to form without wrecking it or, apparently, stabbing yourself. The result would be a myriad of colors and lines winding around one another, linked but separate. Bright, shining colors that alone were lovely but together were exquisite.

  She was pouring lemonade when a banging made her jolt and spill it over the counter. Putting the container down, she grabbed a cloth. The banging continued. It was coming from the hall and the door was locked, but unease settled in the bottom of her stomach.

  Leaving the rest of the spilled liquid, she walked to the door to put her eye up to the peephole. A man was banging on Natalie’s door with his fist, and Maddi’s heartbeat mimicked the erratic pounding. It was hard to see through the hole, but he looked to be wearing a suit. Light hair, large hands battering the door. Her stomach clenched and unclenched. Her teeth bit into her lip as she tried to get her eye closer to the hole. His voice was muffled through the door, but she could hear him shouting, “Please, Nat. Let me in, baby. Natalie! Open the damn door!” Silence.

  “Let me in!” he yelled.

  Let me go.

  “Open the goddamn door!”

  Please. Just let me go.

  Maddi’s air trapped itself inside her lungs like it was frozen. Frozen air, she thought, feeling that same weightlessness in her head that the blood had caused. She closed her eyes briefly and saw another door, another man, another fist.

  “Focus,” she demanded, rubbing the tightness that settled between her breasts. Presumably, Nat was behind a locked door or the man would just let himself in. His continuous banging suggested that he could not do so. Trying hard to pull air in, she pushed herself away from the door.

  “You are not a helpless child. Get it together.” Maddi walked to the phone on her counter and dialed Noah’s number. He answered on the third ring. The hammering continued

  “Hey, you,” he answered happily. She heard machines and loud voices in the background and tried to focus on that rather than the thumping in her chest and the hall. Her stomach pitched. Breathe.

  “Noah.”

  “Maddi, what’s wrong?”

  “Can you come?”

  “I was just getting in my car. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Talk to me,” he urged, his tone calm but insistent.

  Maddi couldn’t talk to him. She couldn’t talk. Nat is fine. He can’t get in. He can’t hurt her. She should have phoned the police but she didn’t want them. She wanted Noah. Had she not already been milliseconds away from a full-out panic attack, the thought would have pushed her over the edge. She stared at the pattern on her countertop as she gripped the edge. The banging increased. He was angrier now. She tried to concentrate on Noah’s voice. He kept telling her he’d be right there. Dots danced in her vision. She closed her eyes.

  No. Please stop. I’m sorry.

  Maddi’s eyes few open. She walked back to the door, tried to stay in the present, to listen to Noah’s voice.

  “Open the door before I kick it in!”

  You. Are. Not. Fucking. Leaving. Me.

  “What the hell is that?” Noah demanded, loud in her ear.

  Maddi’s voice shook, but she stood still. “Someone’s at Nat’s. He’s banging and yelling.” She couldn’t get the air all the way into her lungs. She tried and made a gasping sound unintentionally.

  “Do not go out there. I’ll be there in under three minutes. Maddi? Are you listening to me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Hang up the phone and call 9-1-1. Maddi!”

  “Okay.” She clicked the phone off without saying good bye and quickly dialed 911. She found her voice and her breath evened out as she gave her address, her name, and a
greed to stay on the phone. She knew this drill. This, she could do. He had started kicking the door, shouting names and obscenities. Surely someone else had called the police as well. Why didn’t someone come out to help? She knew the answer: no one wanted to be in the middle of something like this. Best to look the other way. That’s what she would have done, if it hadn’t been Nat, though she would have phoned 911. Maddi was still holding the phone, running her hand in circles over the smooth wood of the door, listening to the operator’s steady voice and the man screaming, when Noah came charging down the hall. The view from the peephole made it seem like an old movie—blurry around the edges. Her heart rose up to her throat and lodged there sharply as Noah plowed into the man, surprise and speed on his side. Maddi yelled his name, her breathing faltered, the phone dropped, and she struggled with the locks. Pulling the door open, she saw the man struggle blindly to get up under Noah’s furious weight.

  “Who the fuck are you?” Noah bit out as he blocked the man’s arms from swinging.

  “Fuck off! That’s my girlfriend’s house. She locked me out. Get the fuck off!” the man snarled back.

  Maddi was gripping the doorknob with one hand and the doorjamb with the other. Everything still felt fuzzy around the edges. When the man’s fist caught Noah’s chin, Maddi called out.

  “Noah!”

  “Close the door Maddi! Lock it!” Noah commanded, not even looking up at her.

  He had the man by the collar of his grey suit. Noah gave him a hard jolt and the man’s head hit the ground. Maddi shut the door as the man continued to swear viciously and tried to push Noah off.

  Get off of me. Please. Let me go.

  “Shut up, you idiot!” Noah snarled in the bastard’s face, shaking him by his collar. He knew exactly who this was. Within seconds of Maddi shutting her door, the police showed up and people started peeking through cracks in their now opened doors. Where the hell were they a minute ago, and where was Nat? The police pulled Noah off the guy while the asshole yelled about pressing charges.