Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “Sure it is, sweetie. You want something, you make it happen. If you can’t find a way to get what you want, maybe you didn’t want it that badly to begin with.” He folded up the newspaper and took his coffee cup to the sink. Coming back, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

  “I need to get some sleep. Make sure you’re quiet after school.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Dad.”

  Yes. If she wanted this, she needed to make it happen. Maddi moved back and forth between the kitchen and the couch. Flicking through channels, she tried to avoid looking at the time. The timer told her when every eleven minutes passed though, which just made her more restless. By the time the last batch of cookies came out, Maddi was over the anger, had pushed back the nerves and touch of sadness, and was ready to show Noah she wanted him. Them. She tugged on her shoes without undoing the laces and grabbed her keys off the counter. As she reached the door, her phone rang twice, signaling a visitor. Maddi turned back and grabbed it, wondering if Noah had left his keys in her apartment.

  “Noah?”

  “I need to see you, Maddison. Let me come up.”

  Jason’s voice crackled into her ear. Her heart stopped beating on its way to her stomach. Bile pushed its way up at the same time, creating a traffic jam in her throat, blocking all of her words.

  “Let me in.”

  “No,” she spat, anger and nerves resurfacing. She was safe, the door was locked, but it didn’t change the fact or the fear that he knew where she lived. She had a flashback to the blue car and the bad feeling she had felt while running. Now, he was standing downstairs. He could probably slip inside with the next person who was actually supposed to be in the building. He gave a short, harsh laugh.

  “Don’t be like that. Let me in.”

  His words were clipped, cold, and non-negotiable. Maddi’s heart raced and she knew she couldn’t face him.

  The second voice was considerably softer, calmer than Jason’s. “Hey. Who are you visiting, man?”

  At the same moment Jason replied, “My sister,” Maddi said, “Noah?”

  “Maddi?”

  Noah’s tone was confused and just like that, the phone was silent. Maddi looked at her phone, not understanding what was happening, until she realized that Jason must have pressed ‘disconnect’ downstairs. The only thing she’d wanted to avoid was happening: past and present colliding viciously, eliminating her buried hopes for a future. Jason could hurt Noah. If he’d become like their father, let alcohol and drugs eat away the good parts and leave only rage, Jason was capable of terrible things.

  In that moment, Maddi knew she would do anything to stop Noah from being hurt. She tossed the phone down and headed for the door. After pulling it open and taking a few seconds to lock it, she headed for the stairs, thinking they would be quicker. When she reached the lobby, it was empty. Her heart galloped in her chest, but she made herself walk all the way to the glass doors. Noah would be okay. Jason had no reason to hurt Noah.

  Maddi peered into the darkness but didn’t see anyone. The lights of a vehicle flashed and then drove away. Taking the elevator back up to her floor, she saw Noah stepping into the hallway from Natalie’s apartment. Everything else fell away and her heart surged with relief. You want something, you make it happen. Maddi decided, even before she threw her arms around Noah’s neck, she was done running from her past. From herself.

  Noah absorbed Maddi’s body quivering against him, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Her breathing was slightly uneven, and the anger he had left with no longer existed. The elevator doors closed behind them.

  “You came back,” she whispered.

  He leaned down, pressed his cheek to her hair, and closed his eyes. “I will always come back,” he said, not caring anymore how many times he had to say it or prove it. Her eyebrows drew together in a look of confusion.

  “Wait, weren’t you getting dinner?”

  “Just for Nat. I dropped it off. Where are you coming from anyway? You were just on the intercom.”

  The hallway was quiet and warm, lit by elegant black sconces on the wall. Noah appreciated little details like that; good workmanship. But even in the dimmer light he could see the stress in her features.

  “The man downstairs—”

  “Yeah, he must have hit your number by mistake. He said he was looking for his sister. After he hung up he left pretty quickly.”

  “Noah,” she whispered. “He was looking for me.”

  “No, he … what?” Maddi was all but vibrating in his arms. He ran his hands up and down to soothe her but realized it was futile.

  “That man. That was my brother, Jason.” Maddi pulled herself away from him and wandered over to her apartment door. When she hesitated, he once again felt helpless. Done with secrets, she was ready to tell him.

  “Maddi.” The sadness in her eyes chipped at his heart. “I love you. That doesn’t change.”

  “You may feel differently when I tell you everything.” Noah walked to her, took her hand, and pulled her toward the elevator. As they waited he looked down at her.

  “What are we doing?”

  “Let’s go for a ride. We could both use some fresh air.”

  They said nothing as they made their way to his truck. Noah knew where he wanted to take her and now that he knew she was going to open up to him, there didn’t seem to be any rush. He held her hand in his on his lap as he took West Colfax Avenue toward the freeway. Maddi was always reluctant to go out so she hadn’t seen much of the city he loved.

  “Where are we going?” she asked in a small voice.

  He squeezed her hand and replied, “There’s a look-out by the golf course. You can see the whole city.” Noah glanced her way and saw a sly smile creep onto her face.

  “You’re taking me parking?”

  His laughter soothed the rawness in his throat and the tension in the truck. They drove the rest of the way with her looking out at the city passing them by. When he took the turn leading to the narrow, gravel drive that led up to the look out, he felt the tension return. Maddi pulled her hand from his while he parked the truck in the deserted space that was really just an overflow parking lot with a hell of a view. He grabbed his jacket and the small blanket he kept in the backseat and got out of the car. Pulling the tailgate down, he hoisted himself up and in, settled down to do what he had become pretty damn good at: waiting. She followed a few moments later, and he helped her up to sit beside him as they leaned back against the cab.

  “This is gorgeous. You really can see everything.”

  The dark had just fully descended on Denver, and lights looked like stars spread as far as the eye could see. With the stars popping up in the sky, surrounding them like mini spotlights, he turned so he was facing her.

  “Once you tell me, once I stay anyway, you have to promise to stop telling me I’ll leave. You have to stop thinking it and believe that I will stay,” he said, pressing his fingers into the softness of her thigh. She pursed her lips like she did when she was thinking, and he had to stop himself from going in for a kiss.

  “If I agree to that, then you agree not to stay because you feel like you have to. If I tell you and you realize it’s too much, promise that you’ll go. You won’t just stay because you’re the most stubborn man on the planet and want to prove a point.”

  The smile formed on his face before he could help it and grew when her brows pinched together in frustration. He ran his index finger along her the bridge of her nose, smoothing the crease.

  “Deal.”

  “I mean it, Noah.”

  “I know you do, Maddi,” he replied and took the kiss he craved. “One more thing.”

  She eyed him expectantly and a tad suspiciously.

  “I was a bit of an ass earlier. I showed up in a shitty mood and took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re entitled.”

  “To be mad? Yes. To be an ass when my anger wasn’t actually directed at you? No.”

  “I mad
e cookies,” she said quietly, and guilt landed heavy in his stomach.

  “You baked. As much as I’m going to enjoy that later, I’m sorry I made you need to bake cookies.”

  She smiled weakly and shifted her legs so they were crossed. “I’d say you deserve them. You’re certainly not short on patience.”

  “It’s easy to wait when you know it’s worth it. No more stalling, honey.”

  Maddi couldn’t figure out to do with her hands. The air was cool, but the fleece blanket he had put down warmed her. Scooting a little closer, Maddi wanted to get her fill of being near him. Noah waited patiently, not judging, not pushing. Rubbing the spot between her breasts did nothing to relieve the knot of pressure. She looked out at the lights shimmering everywhere. Colorado had become her home. Was that because of Noah? When she brought her gaze back to his, saw his eyes solid and sure on hers, she knew that it was. Noah was her home. She dropped her hand to her lap.

  “What happened with Jason downstairs?”

  His face registered surprise, but he answered, “I told you. He pretty much turned and walked away after he disconnected. Gave me a bit of an odd look I suppose, now that I think about it. Is he a cop?”

  “What? Why do you say that?”

  “When he turned, I could see the bulge under the back of his jacket. Looked like a gun. What’s going on, Maddi?”

  Everything inside of her went cold but if she was going to fight for what she wanted, she had to keep going. Noah needed to know who she was. Perhaps now more than ever.

  “I honestly don’t know if he’s a cop. I suppose it’s possible but I have to say, it’s highly unlikely.”

  “Is he part of why you seem so shaken up? Why would he hurt you?”

  “I haven’t seen my brother in fifteen years. Well, other than when I saw him earlier today,” she began. Noah inched closer to her when she spoke. His knee touched hers.

  “That’s a long time. But he didn’t come up. How did you see him today?”

  “It doesn’t feel long enough. He was outside of Seamless. I didn’t talk to him. I got in my car and drove away. When he rang up, I was in the middle of telling him to go away when I heard your voice. The last time I actually spoke to him, he promised he’d come back for me. That he’d get himself settled and he’d come get me from the foster home. Jason must have followed me home today from Aurora. That was the first time in all these years that we’ve spoken.”

  Maddi could see him holding back his questions and covered his hand with hers. The pressure wouldn’t go away so she breathed through her nose. “Jason usually knew just the right thing to say to make me feel better. But somehow, even then, I knew he wouldn’t be back. Even though I wouldn’t have admitted it.” She looked past him, her eyes drawn to the stars that shone fiercely, making themselves stand out amongst the masses.

  “Why were you sent to a foster home?”

  Maddi forced herself look him in the eye. She’d faced her demons. She could face this. She told herself the chill was from the night air.

  “There was nowhere else for me to go when my father shot and killed my mother before he killed himself.”

  Chapter 18

  When Noah was a kid, he’d been obsessed with dirt bike riding. He and his friends hit the trails every weekend, doing things that, looking back now, were reckless and stupid. They tackled every jump, hill, and obstacle they could, trying to outdo each other as often as possible. He could admit that while he’d been good, he’d also been the kind of cocky that only a twelve-year-old boy could be. Noah took a jump that all of his friends had refused to, smiling back at them as he began to pedal. Standing on his bike pedals, the wind flying over him, he was invincible, unstoppable. Thank God he’d been wearing a helmet. Noah hadn’t even seen the tree root blocking his path. He’d been so focused on the ride, on showing off. When Noah ran into it, the bike stopped but he didn’t. He’d jolted forward, his body hitting the handlebars with such force that he was shocked they hadn’t broken. Unlike his ribs, three of which had. Unable to draw in a breath for so long, he’d almost passed out. He’d heard the expression “knocked the wind out of you” and had even experienced it. That was different. Rather than being knocked, the wind had been shit-kicked out of him in a way he’d been lucky enough to never again experience. Until now. Until Maddi, with her gorgeous, lonely eyes locked on his, told him the truth about her past.

  “Holy shit,” he muttered finally, when he could draw air into his lungs again.

  Maddi laughed sardonically, her eyes never leaving his, as she drew her hand back, out of his, and onto her own lap. “Yeah.”

  Her face tightened. Noah could see her bracing herself to have the wind shit-kicked out of her, to have him back up, back off, to prove her right. “You were thirteen?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’d obviously witnessed abuse before this? Holy fuck, did you see him shoot her?”

  “Yes, I had. And no, I didn’t. I heard the gunshots. Both of them, but Jason stopped me from seeing anything.”

  Noah took her hand back in his, held it tight when she tried to pull it away. He waited until she stopped trying to get out of his grasp before he spoke again.

  “Did you … were you … abused? Before or after the foster home?”

  “No. I mean, not physically. Verbally, yes, I suppose, though I didn’t know it at the time. My father never raised his hand to me. I think he came close with Jason a few times when Jason tried to protect our mom. The foster homes were … fine.”

  Noah couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of her, of anyone, growing up that way. His dad had been a cold, arrogant jerk, but he’d never lay a hand on his mother. He couldn’t imagine what his response would have been. Kenneth could dismiss Noah’s ideas and Natalie’s feelings with a glance, put his wife tidily in her place, but that seemed to pale in comparison.

  Noah used his hold on Maddi’s hand to pull her to him, needing her to be as close as possible. He was relieved when she let herself be lifted onto his lap. There was so much to say, to ask, but he could feel her shaking. Taking her face in his hands, with exquisite slowness, Noah touched his mouth to Maddi’s, kissing her slowly. She covered his hands with hers and leaned back.

  “Noah.”

  His heartbeat raced and his breath was ragged. “Maddi. A deal is a deal.”

  Maddi didn’t know what to say or do. She was sliding back and forth between now and then. It was a toss-up as to what was colder: the actual chill in the air or the ice cold memories.

  Maddi had pulled the pillow over her head when the shouting began. It muffled the sounds, but she knew it all by heart anyway. By thirteen, she could recite most of the arguments like an actress who had performed the same role countless times.

  “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t,” Sandra Brooks had yelled. Her watery stage voice held a hint of steel for once when it traveled up to Maddi’s open bedroom window. The breeze coming in was already warm and she twisted out of the covers, pillow still over her head.

  “Give me your bag, Sandy. I need to get to work,” Graham Brooks had said.

  Even with her eyes shut, Maddi could see him standing there, tall and handsome in his uniform, ready to serve and protect the citizens of the town before returning home to beat his wife into her place.

  “I’m done, Graham.”

  A car door slammed, and Maddi figured she had to get up for school anyway so she might as well grab some breakfast.

  “You heard what she said,” Jason’s voice cut through the cursing.

  Maddi pulled the pillow off her head. Jason hardly ever stopped by anymore. When he did, he always seemed a bit … off. Nervous. Jumpy. Angry. Most of his visits ended with him yelling at their dad. Still, if he was there, Maddi wanted to see him. Needed to see him.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” Graham’s voice hardened.

  Maddi thought that her dad would say very little if he ever took the “f” word out of his vocabulary. The thought of him st
ruggling for something to say had made her snicker to herself as she pulled a baggy T-shirt that smelled like fabric softener over her tank top.

  “I’m here to tell you to back off and let her go. Just let her go.”

  “Jason, I have another bag inside. Grab it for me, honey,” her mom said. “Graham, listen to me. I’m taking Maddison and we’re staying with my cousin.”

  Her mother’s voice seemed quieter now that Maddi was standing, but she could still hear them. Sandra had the role of peacemaker down to an art. Maddi picked up her pajama pants from where she’d thrown them on the floor the night before. A knot in the string prevented her from getting them up over her hips. With a muttered curse of her own, she whipped them off her legs then attacked the knot with her fingers. Both her hands and her heart fumbled at the next words.

  “You. Are. Not. Fucking. Leaving. Me.”

  Maddi yanked at the knot with her teeth, her hair falling into her eyes.

  “You’re hurting me. Let me go. Please.”

  Maddi ground her teeth into the knot and pulled, moving toward the door in her underwear.

  “Stop it! Stop!”

  Her neck whipped back from the knot, untwisting it at the exact same moment the shot fired. For one brief second, she thought the sound had been her neck snapping.

  “No. No! No! Sandy! No. No!” Graham’s voice bellowed out like a wounded animal.

  Maddi yanked one pant leg on as she started running. She tripped over a shoe, went down hard but felt nothing in her haste to get the other pant leg on and up. She scrambled up and ran to the stairs. She couldn’t hear anything anymore. Everything would be okay if she could get there fast enough. She jumped from the third step up in an effort to go faster, landed with a thud and kept going. She had made it almost to the door just as it opened.

  “Maddison. Go back upstairs,” Jason instructed, his voice unrecognizable, his face contorted with anger and grief. He locked the door, stood against it, blocking it.

  “What’s going on?”