Damaged

by Jody Holford

  “Get upstairs. Now. Go!”

  A second shot had propelled both of them: Maddi toward the door and him away from it. She had pushed Jason, trying to get past him—out the door. He grabbed her arms, immobilizing her upper body. She kicked him in the shin and he swore. His hands felt so cold, and Maddi had tried hard to break free of his grasp.

  “Let go of me. You don’t even live here. What’s happening?”

  “Go the fuck upstairs. Now!”

  Her tears started before she knew for sure she had reason for them. The tears washed her strength away, but she continued to punch at his chest uselessly.

  “You’re not allowed to swear at me. You don’t live here. I’m telling Mom.”

  “Stop it. Stop fighting me.”

  “Let me go,” she had screamed.

  Instead, he had yanked her close and held her so tight that it made her shoulders cramp. He wrapped himself around her like he was trying to tuck her inside of himself. His body shook and because he would not let her go, hers did as well. Jason smelled like fried onions and cigarettes, and Maddi started to dry heave.

  “Let me go,” she begged in between gagging.

  Her stomach pitched again as his tears fell onto her and his body trembled. She gave up fighting and let herself collapse into his arms. It was suddenly so cold that she needed him close, regardless of how he smelled.

  The sound of a plane brought her back, and she looked up at the deceptively calm sky. Nothing felt calm. The wind was picking up, wrapping itself around them and causing shivers to wrack Maddi’s body. She had warned Noah because she knew he’d go when he heard the truth. Still, a desolate sadness crept through her, erasing all the warmth she’d absorbed from his body. By thirteen, she’d learned to shut off the outside sources of hurt. She considered her ability to disengage, to compartmentalize, her very own super-power. That ability had blocked out the words and fists being thrown, glass shattering, doors slamming, and it had deafened her to the screaming, the crying that she couldn’t stop. It allowed her to crawl inside of herself.

  “A deal is a deal,” she agreed, her voice and heart empty. Maddi started to move off his lap but he wouldn’t loosen his hold.

  “You have to believe me now that I won’t go. You have to stop saying it, and you have to stop thinking it. That was the deal. Verbal agreements are legally binding,” he said with one part seriousness and one part cheekiness.

  Maddi’s heart stuttered, and she made an inelegant sound as her breath whooshed in and out quickly.

  “If I do that, if I hold up my end of the deal, and you leave, it could… no. It will wreck me,” she told him, tears falling onto them. Noah kissed the path her tears made, gently, not minding that they continued to fall. His hand wrapped around the nape of her neck. His fingers wove themselves into her hair.

  “A deal is a deal. Which means.” He paused to kiss her forehead, her cheek, her other cheek, and every kiss felt like a tiny flicker of hope. “You can’t think that way anymore. Because you know that I love you and if I left, it would wreck me.”

  Maddi let herself fall into his kiss and his promises. She let herself believe in both, and that flicker turned into something brighter as she kissed him back.

  “You must have more questions,” she said quietly, looking down at him. Straddling his thighs with her own, she leaned back and memorized his face with her fingertips. He nodded.

  “I do. It’s hard to know what to ask first, but you’re freezing and it’s a lot to process so they can wait. Except for one. Why on earth would you think that what happened with your parents would make me love you less? Why would anyone blame you for that?”

  Maddi considered his question as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms to warm her. Baring her soul had taken any warmth her body had.

  “I don’t know that I thought you, or anyone else, would blame me. But … well, it’s like walking into a burning building. If you know the building is going to go up in flames, that it has no potential of escaping damage, why would you try to save it?”

  In the moonlight, she saw sadness in his eyes, but not pity. He pulled her in so she rested her head on his shoulder, her face nestled in the warm spot of his neck. It had been unexpectedly freeing to tell him. Like letting a balloon go, the weight just drifted away.

  “It sounds like you think you’re a lost cause because of what they were. That is so far from the truth, Maddi. You told me you didn’t want to be saved, and I can see it’s because you don’t need to be,” he said thoughtfully. He leaned back so she was forced to look at him. “You may not have escaped unscathed, but you rebuilt yourself from the ashes. That’s not a lost cause honey. That’s strength. Amazing, admirable strength. I hate knowing what you went through, but it’s part of who you are and I love who you are. I love you.”

  Maddi lifted her leg over so she could sit, cross-legged in front of him. She held his hands in hers. “You are … the most incredible man, Noah Evans.”

  He leaned in and kissed her quickly, replying, “I did try to tell you that. If you weren’t so stubborn, you’d have figured that out earlier.”

  “And you’re so humble.”

  “And good looking.”

  “Possibly. I love you, Noah. I’m freezing. Can we do the rest of this at home?” He scooted them forward and helped her out of the bed of the truck with a gentle smile.

  “Actually, what I’d really like is to go get Nat and take both of you back to my place. I’d feel better if you were both with me. You okay with that?” he asked, kissing the tip of her nose.

  He opened the door while she got in, and she realized how stiff her legs were from sitting. When Noah climbed into the truck and started it, he adjusted the vents immediately for heat, angling them toward Maddi.

  “Of course I don’t mind. Are you worried about her being alone?”

  “I’ll feel better once I talk to someone about the restraining order. We couldn’t do it today. By the time I got here, calmed her down, talked to her, the court office was closed.”

  “I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much.”

  He turned the truck toward the exit and picked up her hand. “Not your fault. Whatever happens, wherever this leads, we deal with it together.”

  “Because that’s how relationships work.” She smiled at him. Noah laughed and squeezed her hand while the heat helped warm the space between them.

  It was close to ten by the time the three of them piled into his truck and headed toward his place. This day had felt ten years long. Both women had been silent since they’d gotten into the truck.

  “You girls mind if we stop and grab some food?”

  Maddi had her hand curled in his but seemed lost in thought. Natalie was equally quiet in the backseat. With a couple of braids in her hair, wearing a Salt Lake Community College sweater, and her lips drawn down, she looked like a pouty teenager. Noah squeezed Maddi’s hand as he glanced in the rearview mirror.

  “Sure. Of course,” Maddi said softly, following Noah’s gaze. “Grocery store?”

  He’d thought some burgers and a drive-thru but since they were both staying the night, her idea was better.

  “Grocery store. I’ve got nothing for breakfast either. Nat?”

  Maddi turned in her seat to face Natalie as Noah switched lanes so he could turn down Crescent Avenue. They’d stop at the Quick Mart. There was a larger grocery chain by his house, but this one would be less crowded.

  “You okay?” Maddi asked her. Nat looked at her, and Noah could see the tears below the surface.

  “I’m so much trouble,” she said quietly.

  Maddi reached out for Nat’s hand. “Oh, honey, no you’re not. Your ex is so much trouble.”

  “Well, yes, but indirectly, it’s me. I mean, you have to be uprooted from your apartment, Noah’s got to have us over at his house, just because he’s worried about what Lyle will do.” Natalie voice was small and full of regret.

  Before Noah could argue, explain that he wanted
them at his house, Maddi looked at him curiously.

  “You’ve told her nothing about my situation?” she asked.

  He took the turn into the grocery store parking lot. When he’d told Nat to pack a few things, there hadn’t been much time to go into details, not that he would have.

  “Not my story to tell.” He shrugged, shoving the gear into park. Turning off the car, he undid his seat belt and took a deep breath.

  “There’s a lot of shit going on with both of you right now. I feel better having you both with me, but I don’t have to have you at my house, Nat.”

  Natalie nodded, and he could see her trying to accept that it was true. She looked at Maddi pointedly, shrewdly.

  “You have a story?”

  “Ha. Yes. A few of them,” she murmured, glancing at Noah. “Since your brother won’t leave me alone, I suppose I’ll need to share them with you as well.”

  Noah took her hand and grinned like an idiot as he kissed it. She just smiled indulgently while Nat rolled her eyes.

  “You adore me,” Noah told her. He put his hand around the back of her neck, pulled her in for a kiss. Nat sighed and got out of the car, shaking her head as she shut the door.

  “It might be better for you and for Nat if I wasn’t part of this.”

  Her eyes were serious and solemn.

  “Maddi.”

  “Noah. I don’t know what Jason wanted today. I don’t know why he’s here, and it’ll probably freak Natalie out to know about him on top of Lyle. And you said he had a gun. I have no idea how dangerous he is.”

  “Okay. Fair enough. We’ll tell her about Jason after we figure out what he’s doing here.” He grabbed the keys, opened the door, and considered the conversation done. Coming around to Maddi’s side of the truck, he opened her door and saw the frustration in the hard line of her lips. She didn’t seem to be moving quickly and at this point, he really just wanted to get home, so he undid her seat belt, turned her to face him, and stepped between her legs.

  “What?” he asked impatiently.

  “I don’t want you to have anything to do with Jason. I’ve barely told you anything yet, Noah. He could be violent. He could be on drugs or a threat to you and to Natalie.” She didn’t push him back but she didn’t touch him either.

  “Maddi, whatever he wants, we’ll figure it out. We’ll deal with that, and I’ll deal with the restraining order on Lyle. Tomorrow. For now, can we please just go get some food? I’m starving here.”

  She closed her eyes as she shook her head, still not touching him.

  “You promised, Maddi.”

  She opened her eyes, finally brought her hands to his arms. “I didn’t say anything about you leaving me. I didn’t even think it.”

  “No, but you’re sitting there thinking that it’d be better if you left me. That’s the same thing. I didn’t think you were the type to go back on your word.” He shook his own head mockingly. Using her grip on his arms to his advantage, he pulled her out of the truck, keeping her body snug against his.

  “I’m not going back on my word. God, you are frustrating and stubborn.” She groused, pushing him back and moving around him. Noah shut the door and quickened his pace to catch up with her. Just before she approached the entryway, he grabbed her arm and swung her around, surprising them both when her body smacked up against his.

  “What—”

  Before she could finish the thought, he devoured her mouth, putting every bit of that stubbornness and frustration into the kiss, until her body molded against his and she wrapped her arms around his neck. His tongue met hers aggressively, and he forgot for a moment that they were standing outdoors, in public. He had to make himself pull back. Her eyes were clouded with the same lust he felt.

  “I love you. You’re all I want. You’re everything,” he whispered roughly, his forehead resting on hers. An older couple carrying reusable shopping bags skirted around them to get to the door. Maddi nodded her head. Her eyes were clear, sure, and so bright they almost blinded him. He kissed her quick and light, took her hand as they moved into the store.

  “Let’s catch up with Nat before she chooses a bunch of girly food.”

  Chapter 19

  Maddi set up her laptop in Noah’s kitchen. She rubbed her arms over the tiny goose bumps forming as she logged on and loaded up her website. Without her tools or supplies to work on her newest design ideas, she wanted to make sure her website met Seamless’ standards. Noah leaned over, kissed the top of her head, and glanced at the screen.

  “That looks gorgeous. You never told me about the shop.”

  “We got a little sidetracked.”

  He began putting groceries away, girly and otherwise, tucking things into cupboards and the fridge. “Sidetracked. Nice word for it. You want to tell me about it?”

  She looked over to where he was putting a pot of water on the stove. He moved effortlessly, despite his height and size. His solid body seemed like it shouldn’t move with such ease, but he navigated the kitchen or bedroom with equal grace. Noah smiled at her when he caught her staring.

  “You want me to tell you about Seamless with everything else that’s probably on your mind?” Maddi shut the laptop and turned to face him, pulling her feet up on the chair to wrap her arms around her legs.

  “I want you to talk to me about anything and everything.”

  The water for the shower could be heard down the hall. She didn’t mind talking about Seamless in front of Nat, but Maddi was concerned with alarming her any further with talk of Jason. Maddi stood restlessly and moved to the patio doors, looked out at the darkness while Noah puttered around with pots and dishes behind her.

  “When they’d fight and Jason was home, he’d lock us in his room. He’d keep my mind busy with stupid little word games or riddles. It wouldn’t work at first. All I could hear was the yelling, but he’d get all mad at me, tell me I was just pretending to be distracted so I didn’t have to admit I didn’t know the answer.”

  Her lips curved upward at the image of Jason’s pretend-to-pout face. Even then, she’d felt the need to prove she could handle what others didn’t think she could face. Noah came up behind her, put his hand on her shoulder, another on her waist, and drew her back toward him. Stars sprinkled the sky, more turning up whenever she moved her eyes. Starlight, star bright. She’d stopped making wishes so long ago.

  “So, of course, I’d focus on what he was saying or asking, and he’d just keep the game going until I fell asleep or we’d read. Watch TV.”

  “He’s a lot older than you?”

  “Almost seven years. He told me once he was so thrilled when our mom got pregnant with me because it all stopped. For months and months, he said, they were this normal family, expecting a baby. Happy.”

  She trembled and resumed rubbing her arms when Noah moved away to check the water and add pasta.

  “Did your mom ever try to leave?”

  “So many times.” Maddi laughed emptily. “But when you don’t really want to go, it’s easy to be pulled back.”

  She turned then, looked at him until he could see, until he understood that she was speaking of both her mother and herself now.

  “You’re scared you’re like her.”

  “The neediness? The blinders? Yes. When you’re not with me, I miss you and I hate it. When you are with me, I forget that I’ve never wanted any of this. I feel so content it scares me. It makes me feel like I can understand how she felt about him. It makes me understand her and if I do that, I might forgive her for staying.” She caught herself before her voice broke.

  Maddi went to the fridge, grabbed some salad fixings. It felt late to be eating dinner, but she was ravenous and the meal would help all of them settle. While Noah stirred the spaghetti, she arranged vegetables and retrieved a bowl from one of the cupboards over the countertop beside him. She lined them up after washing them, deciding which order to place them in the bowl. Simple, tangible tasks. Something healthy, beautiful even, made of individual in
gredients that might not taste the same on their own.

  “I feel the same about you. I miss you when we’re not together. I’d rather we were together, even if we’re doing nothing. That’s normal,” he said quietly.

  She kept her eyes down chopping celery, heard the shower shut off, took a breath through her nose, and breathed out, a strategy she’d learned long ago.

  “I’m scared I won’t recognize the line between normal and too much.”

  Noah covered her wrist with his hand so she’d put down the knife. When she didn’t look at him, he used his other hand to turn her face to his.

  “It’s a choice, honey. All of it. Loving someone, staying, leaving, being faithful, how you treat someone. Your parents chose how to love each other, got used to it. They got stuck in a horrible pattern, until they likely didn’t know anything else existed. It was a choice, and so was exposing you and your brother to that,” he told her.

  She could feel his anger in the rigid stance of his body and see it in the flare of his nostrils and the heated look in his eyes. Yet, his grasp stayed light, soothing. She could read him, she realized.

  “It wasn’t all bad,” she said.

  He smiled. “I’m glad.”

  “Am I interrupting?” Natalie asked quietly from the doorway that led to the living room.

  “Of course not,” Noah assured her and Maddi tried to smile brightly.

  Once they’d eaten, and he felt considerably better having done so, Noah knew there was no more avoiding it.

  “Tomorrow, you need to file a Violation of Protection Order,” he said to Nat.

  “But what about his threat? To press charges against you?” she shrilled.

  Maddi gathered their plates and took them to the sink. He moved his chair closer to his sister.

  “It was bullshit. I would have been served papers or the cops would have been by here. He’s bluffing Nat and, in doing so, he’s made things worse for himself. This should make it easier for us to get a permanent protection order against him at the hearing. You need to not answer the phone if he calls, not open the door. Until he’s sentenced, I want you to be extra careful.”