Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  The intensity in her eyes relaxes and is replaced with tenderness. I have to look away to collect myself. “I would like to talk to you about Beth sometime. She was pretty amazing.” I release my hand from her chin and step away from her. Today has been almost too much for me.

  Reaching down for her bags, I gesture to go inside. “Hey, let’s get your stuff inside. I’ll show you where you’re staying. You’ve got one of the best rooms here at the ranch. Wait ‘til you see the view.”

  Cursing myself for sounding like an overexcited tour guide, I walk through the door. She starts to trail behind me, but stops. She turns away from the door and walks back down the porch stairs to a row of grapevines. I put the bags down and feel that pull again to follow her.

  “Is everything okay?”

  She looks back at me. “Yeah, I just need a minute. I want to remember this moment—this shift.” Her hands roam down her neck while she closes her eyes. “I want to let everything soak in.” I watch her open her eyes. “I want to look at the view and see the grapevines and hills. I want to smell the sweetness of the grapes and wine. I want to hear the rustling of the leaves and the tractor engine purrs. I want to touch the vines, leaves, and grapes.” She looks back at me again, and I’m blown away. I watch a stray hair fall in front of her face. It takes all my will power not to touch her.

  “You forgot taste.”

  She smiles devilishly. “Yeah, I definitely want to taste. What do you suggest?” She raises her eyebrows, and I can’t keep my hand from delicately placing the strand behind her ear. Her breath hitches from my touch. Oh God, this girl is going to unravel me. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way- it overwhelms me. The way she’s looking at me like she could devour me whole. There’s no doubt in my mind what I want to taste.

  Yep, I’m definitely wrecked.

  “How about our merlot? It pairs nicely with some dark chocolate.”

  “Sounds perfect. Let’s get my bags in, and then we can have that taste.” Now it’s her turn to wink.

  Images of my tongue licking drops of red wine that trickle down her exposed neck and breasts envelop me. All I know is if she says taste one more time, I’ll be taking a shower sooner than I thought.

  Yummy. Ben is yummy. Red wine with him sounds delectable. Oh, the things I want to do with his wine. Cool your jets, Sam. Take it down a notch. I have to remind myself of the hurt I’ve been through. My judgment is not exactly stellar when it comes to men. And with Ben, I see the pain of loss in his eyes. It’s still there, though it’s mixed with what looks like want.

  Deep down I sense that nothing should happen between us. I mean, the flirting is fun and unexpected, but the reality is we’re both pretty broken. I’m not sure how to fix him or me.

  This brief amount of time with him has awakened me. Being asleep this past year has worked fine, but I suddenly don’t want to be anymore. I’m guessing he still drifts in and out of consciousness, not sure how awake he wants to be.

  I smile thinking about him. He does seem different than my past relationships. I think it scares me that he doesn’t make me nervous.

  I follow Ben into the house and up the stairs. We stop at the end of the hallway as he opens the door. I go in first and take in the masculine room. It’s painted blue and has plaid curtains. The bed is queen-sized and covered in a matching navy plaid comforter. It’s simply decorated with a dresser, desk, and a small nightstand with a lamp on it. He still has some personal items, but it doesn’t bother me. Smiling inside, I’m excited to explore what he left behind. Oh God, does that make me creepy?

  “So, this is my room. I know I still have some trophies and stuff on the walls, but I haven’t had a whole lot of time to move my stuff out.” He looks so cute right now. He’s swaying side to side, and his head is cast down. It’s as if he’s flustered by my presence in here.

  “It’s great, Ben. I appreciate you letting me stay in here. I feel like I’m kicking you out, though.”

  “No. It’s cool. The loft’s ready so I’m staying there. I did clean out some drawers and the closet for you. I can pack up the other stuff later so you can have some shelves.” He beams a bright white smile at me as he shows me the empty closet.

  “Thanks. I suppose I should unpack a few things before we have that drink. Can I grab a quick shower? I feel really gross from the plane ride.” I take off my cardigan, leaving on my camisole, and place it on the bed.

  Ben stares at me strangely. He nods and walks toward me, blinking rapidly. “Ah, yeah, sure. The bathroom is this way.” As he walks, he trips on the corner of the bed and goes flying past me and into the desk. “Ow! Fuck, that hurt!”

  I move over to him quickly. “Oh my God. Are you okay?” My eyes look him over and note that his seem to be aimed at my chest. I give him a shake. “Ben, I said are you okay?” He just nods at me and the rapid blinking begins again. I give him a chuckle and reach out to help him up. “Now I guess it’s my turn to have you falling at my feet.” His cheeks turn a light pink while a slight bump forms on his forehead. “We should probably get some ice on that. Lead me to the kitchen.”

  Ben takes my hand, and I instantly feel the searing heat again. We walk down to the kitchen holding hands and it feels surprising. He still hasn’t spoken a word, and I wonder if he whacked his head too hard. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re not saying anything.” I stop to look at him. “Should I be worried that you have a concussion or something?” I gently tug on his arm to wake him up.

  He laughs at me and grazes my cheek with his other hand. “No, I’m okay. I’ve taken worse hits playing rugby. This is me being a distracted, clumsy ass.”

  Distracted? Yeah, from looking at my boobs. I have him sit down at the bar and find a towel on the counter. “Clumsy and distracted? That’s not the best combination.” I place my hand over his bump and he grimaces. “Let’s get some ice on that. We don’t want anything to take away from that pretty face of yours.” Did I just say that out loud? Shit. And 3, 2, 1, cue the smirk.

  “So you think I’m pretty?” Bingo. “That kind of bruises my male ego. Pretty is kind of girlish.” His smile goes straight to his eyes, and my heart is dripping a little bit more.

  “Male ego, huh? Well, tripping and falling at a girl’s feet kind of makes you girly.” The corner of his mouth twitches as if he’s trying not to smile. “Besides, you are pretty, and I’m sure you know it.” I grab a towel off the counter and continue, “But if you want something more manly, I’ll have to think about it. We need to keep that ego of yours boosted.” My voice is laced in sarcasm that rolls so easily off my tongue. The verbal sparring game is fun so I decide to just go for it.

  My hands fill the towel with ice, and I place it on his bump. He jumps from the cold touch. “Hmm, let’s see. Think. Think. Think, Sam. Manly. How about...attractive, handsome, good-looking, rugged, striking, hunky, gorgeous, brawny, muscular, hot, panty dropping.” I try to say more, but he’s clearly embarrassed because his face is bright red. His hand touches mine, and we hold the ice together.

  “Okay, okay, I get it. Stop already!”

  My eyes lock with his as I chuckle softly. “How’s your male ego now? Do any of those words make you feel big and strong? Oh, wait. That’s two more words right there. Ben, I could go on and on.” His hand is still covering mine as the ice melts.

  “All right. Who’s being the wise ass now? I think I want you to stick with pretty.”

  I let go of the towel while his hand stays in place. My eyes roam over his face before meeting his gaze again. His eyes sparkle, and his smile lights up his whole face. He’s more than pretty.

  “No, you’re right. Pretty is not the best word for you. I think we should go with beautiful.”

  Our gaze deepens, and I feel his face move closer to mine. His breath is hot across my lips. God, I want a taste. We’re so close. The rising heat that spreads from my core is pleasantly painful. He’s so near.

  “Sam,” he whispers. “Sam, I can’t. I want to �
�” I move my head back slightly from him. The pain of what he may tell me scares me. Flashes of what guys have told me in the past enter my mind. I can’t hear it from Ben. I don’t want to hear it from him. I faintly hear the front door slam shut just like my heart.

  As usual, Jenny seems to have an internal alarm that goes off when I’m in need. She comes bursting into the kitchen just in time. “You’re here! You made it! I missed you, girl.” Reaching in for the hug I desperately need right now, she embraces me tightly. “How are you? Did my brother treat you well? I’ll kick his ass if he didn’t!”

  I take a chance and briefly look over at him. His eyes are darting all over the place but won’t lock on mine. This is not good. “He treated me fine. A perfect gentleman.”

  I watch Ben practically leap out of the chair and smack the ice down on the counter. “It’s all good, Bean. Everything’s fine. I’m going to head up to the loft so you two can catch up. I’ll see you at dinner.” I watch him leave, all the while chastising myself for leaning into him. What was I thinking? Obviously, I misread his signals. I’m a total idiot.

  “Sam? Sam! Hello!” Jenny shakes my arm lightly.

  “What did you say?”

  “I said, Ben is acting strange. He ran out of here like we both had cooties or something.”

  “Oh really? I didn’t notice. Besides, he’s probably had enough of me. I’m sure he wants to give us time to chat.” I try to plaster on the best fake smile I can and hope she doesn’t see the heat coming off my face.

  “Well, okay. As longs as he wasn’t an ass to you.”

  I let out a long sigh. “No, he was great, actually.”

  “Are you okay? You look a bit flushed.” Jenny touches my forehead as if checking to see if I have a fever.

  “I guess I’m tired from the flight. It’s been a long day.”

  “I know. You’ve had a lot of changes happen these past few weeks. How about we go into your room and just chill out for a bit? Catch up and shit.”

  “That sounds perfect. I could also use a shower.”

  Jenny grabs my hand and leads me out of the kitchen. “You got it, sweets.”

  As we make our way upstairs, I try to regain the control I lost with him. It’s time to take it back, Sam. And I will. Ben Foster will not be anywhere near these lips again. Yeah right, who am I kidding? Imagining his lips on mine stirs those butterflies again. And damn if they don’t feel good.

  So close. I’d been so close to touching her lips. Her sweet breath on my face tantalizes me. Her lips are like a fantasy come true. Soft, full, wet, and pink. They’re made for kissing and sucking. We were mere millimeters away from each other. All it would’ve taken is a tilt of my chin, and we would have made contact. The heat coming off her body would have ignited us both. I have to admit going down in flames with her would have been nice. Fuck. I need to cool off. Jenny showed up in the nick of time. I need a cold shower.

  I run up to my loft taking two steps at a time. I need to get some perspective on what just happened. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, sexy, and sassy. She put me in my place and could take it as well as give it. Her words and mannerisms are soft and tender, yet she could probably set me straight better than anyone else.

  I wonder how many layers make up Sam. All I know is that I can’t remember the last time I had fun with a girl. With Beth, everything came easy. I never had to work at it. Spending time with Sam feels the same way, yet different. She keeps me on my toes yet she could easily throw me off kilter. She makes me think and, more importantly, feel again. I’ve been walking around with my heart split in two for so long that I didn’t think it would ever be whole again. Sam could put my heart back together. And it’s freaking me the hell out.

  I step into the scalding hot water to try and clear my head. It doesn’t work. As soon as I let her invade my brain, I know I’m done for. She washes over me like the drops of water that flow down my body.

  The reaction my body had when she asked about taking a shower must have made me look like a complete moron. Then she takes off her sweater. Holy shit. To see her in that pink camisole that showed off her breasts almost had me losing my shit. The faint outline of her polka dot bra pushed me into dumb ass mode. Then to really top it off, I fucking trip and knock my head on the desk. Real smooth, Ben.

  I close my eyes and imagine what her body looks like under the rest of her clothes. Does she have matching polka dot panties, too? That’s all it takes. Thinking of her in a matching set gets me hard immediately. The image of her in nothing but that drowns me under the water spray.

  My hand reaches down as I grip myself firmly. Slowly, my hand moves up and down with a slight yank. I envision Sam’s hands and tongue on me. Playing with me. Licking me. I feel her teeth nibbling on my tip before taking me deep. “Fuck!” I yell out into the steam. I haven’t come that hard and fast in a long time. If that’s my reaction just from imagining her, then what would it be like to be inside her? Shit. This girl has somehow invaded me—mind and body. Will she take my soul, too? I’m so screwed.

  “Hey Mom, how’d it go tonight?” I ask as I make my way into the kitchen where everyone is gathering for a late dinner. My mom brings back some local treats from the market, and it smells amazing.

  “It went great. Your father was his charming self and booked some tastings here for Sunday and Monday. I think it would be great opportunity to show Sam the ropes. You could train her how to help with them.” My mom is like a machine; she barely takes a breath before continuing. “She’ll also need a tour of everything so she can see how we make the wine.” My mom looks at me with lightness in her eyes. I think she likes that both Jenny and Sam are here. She’s been the only woman around here for a long time.

  “No problem. What about Jenny? She can help, too?” Please say yes. I honestly don’t know how to be alone with Sam.

  “I think you and Sam can handle it. Jenny and I need to shop for the charity ball coming up. We are putting a great auction item together, but we need to start it.”

  “Right. The ball. When is it again?”

  Her looks screams annoyance, but then she chuckles. “Ah, Ben, its next month. Apparently you haven’t been paying attention. Your father and I have been talking about it for weeks, and you’re supposed to be helping.”

  “What have you been talking about for weeks?” Jenny enters the room breezily with Sam behind her. She looks stunning. Her hair is damp from the shower, and she’s wearing a tank top with jean cut off shorts. She’s beautiful, and I’m screwed.

  My mom turns her attention to the girls. “The ball, honey. You and I are shopping tomorrow to put the basket together.”

  “Oh yeah. Is Sam coming with us? I don’t want to leave her here on her first day.” Sam smiles as Jenny pulls her into a side hug. It’s really sweet.

  “No, dear. I have her with Ben tomorrow. We have a tasting coming in, and I thought it would be a great way to start. Ben is also going to show her around the vineyard.”

  I chance a quick glance in Sam’s direction and see a brief look of panic in her eyes. Jenny must notice it, too.

  “Don’t worry, girlfriend. Benny’s got your back. Tastings are fun, and there are usually some cute guys thrown into the mix. Besides, Ben knows everything there is to know about Moon Dance. His tour will be very thorough. Right, Ben?”

  Great! Now the lewd thoughts of me privately touring her body break into my head. Yep, really screwed. I clear my throat to allow myself time to formulate a coherent sentence. “You’re in good hands, Sam. I’ll take great care of you.” No, that didn’t sound sexual at all, ass hat.

  Jenny chuckles, and Sam’s eyes go wide with a look of panic and maybe amusement.

  “So Mom, Sam’s going to the ball, right?”

  “Of course Sam’s coming with us. She’s practically family.”

  The reddish hue that I love to see on her moves across her cheeks and down her neck.

  “Oh, thank you, that sounds lovely, but I don’t have anythin
g fancy to wear. I only brought work clothes.”

  Jenny jumps up. “You know what that means, ladies. Shopping!” She dances in place while her hands pump up the air. She’s like some crazy teenager who just got her dad’s credit card.

  My mom and Sam join in and start to squeal, shouting out things like dresses, nails, hair, and shoes. My dad walks in and takes one look at them and shakes his head. The poor man has no idea what he walked into.

  “Son, I have a feeling we’re going to be outnumbered here?” Chuckling, as if I understand our predicament, I move next to him.

  “I think so. I’m actually frightened for us. One thing I can tell you is that you’ve walked in on a plan that involves girly stuff and money.” The fist pumping stops when they hear my father’s boisterous laugh. My mom and Jenny look at my dad like lionesses hunting their prey. My dad is so screwed. Mom locks eyes with Dad and makes the first move.

  “Oh, hello honey. We were just discussing the ball. We’re so excited that Sam will be joining us.” She slowly saunters over to him with a wicked grin. “We’re making plans for our shopping excursion into San Francisco. It would be wonderful for us to spend a day in the city. Don’t you think? You always say I should take more time for myself.” Oh, she is good. Is this how women work? Was this how I was with Beth? Like putty in her hands?

  Her next move goes in for the kill. “I thought it would be nice for Jenny and Sam to join me. We would be pampered all day.” She kisses his cheek and whispers something in his ear. Whatever she said forces him into a coughing fit.

  “Whatever makes you happy, darling. Go have fun; I know I’ll have fun later.” He spanks her ass and walks away.

  This should disgust me, but my parents have always been loving, playful, and affectionate with one other. Usually I turn away, but today I don’t. Beth and I loved like that. Sadness starts to take over. The knowledge of not having that easy going, playful love anymore still hurts more than I want to admit. How do you move on when your memories won’t let you?