Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  The feel of Sam’s eyes on me interrupts my thoughts. I turn slowly and meet her gaze. Her smile makes me smile. She recognizes the love present in this room. Our eyes stay locked. Not wanting to break away, her grin goes even wider than I thought possible. It’s infectious and knocks the grief right out of me. I’m not sure what to do or say right now, but I just know that I don’t want to look away. I want to keep smiling and let this girl invade my soul.

  I wake up feeling refreshed and ready for a brand new day. Reaching my arms out and above my head, I take a good long stretch and look around my new room. Ben’s room. I’m sleeping in his bed near all things that make up Ben. Yummy Ben. Sighing, I take note of my surroundings.

  Some trophies, pictures of friends, a candle that sticks out of an old wine bottle, and a rugby ball is propped on the edge of his desk. The rugby ball reminds me of him in his uniform. God, I hope I get to see him play soon. I’m sure he’s incredible. Okay. Focus. No drooling on his pillow. Not unpacking last night has its advantages. It allows me to explore his drawers and closet freely like some crazy stalker. Anticipation pulses through me as I wonder what I’ll find.

  Memories from last night bring with them a renewed sense of excitement. Dinner was a test in self-restraint. Combine that with sitting next to him and my personal willpower was seriously challenged. He smelled amazing, and his voice was like melted chocolate. It took all my strength to not jump into his lap. Occasionally our legs would brush against one another’s, and the spark was palpable. At one point his leg jerked away, and I was curious if my touch bothered him. After that, I made sure not to get too close to him.

  I’m lucky I made it through dinner without rambling—actually forming cohesive sentences. The intensity of having him so near was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

  I made it to the comfort of his room as soon as I could exit without being rude. I blamed it on the long day, but really I needed to get myself in check. I thought getting a good night’s sleep would be helpful, but knowing that it was Ben’s bed did nothing to calm my restlessness. I’m not sure I got much sleep at all.

  Arching my back for one more stretch, I roll over on my side. I feel giddy. I get to spend the day with him. All day. I touch my lips and imagine that almost-kiss. Today will be all about stolen glances, brushes against the skin, pouring, tasting, and sampling strawberries dipped in dark chocolate.

  Lustful fantasies creep into my mind. My nervous energy makes me want to bounce up and down on the bed, preferably with Ben under me. Yep, I definitely feel renewed and reinvigorated! I turn my head into the pillow and I faintly smell him. It’s a comforting mixture of soap and nature. I swear I can detect some wine mixed in, too. He oozes it naturally, as though it is just as much a part of him as the blood flowing through his veins. I inhale deeply and close my eyes. His scent and my desire for him possess me.

  As one hand travels downward, I hear a faint knock on my door. Quickly, I sit up. I barely squeak out, ‘Who is it?’ before the door comes flying open.

  “It’s me, you goof. Who else would it be?” Jenny throws her ass down on the edge of the bed and gives me a wicked grin. I’m not so sure I like this look. This look spells trouble with a capital T. I don’t have to wonder for long.

  “So, how’d you sleep? Good, I hope!” She yanks my covers off and grabs my hand.

  “I slept great! In fact, I would still be relaxing if you hadn’t barged in here.” I give her a slight smile. She knows I’m not mad.

  “Oh shut it! You need to get up to get ready anyway. Ben’s taking you on a tour and then training you on Tasting 101.”

  My lust-fueled thoughts from before play on repeat when I hear the word tasting. How will I make it through the day? Our lips were so close yesterday. But then at dinner he jerked his leg away from me. I need to be careful and not misread my desire for his. “Sounds like it will be an adventure!” In more ways than one!

  “That’s a good word for this. An adventure. Yes, I have an adventure planned for you.” And knowing my best friend, I can see the wheels turning in her head again.

  “What’s on your mind, Jenny, and why do I feel nervous to hear it?”

  Jenny squeezes my hand and holds it while talking. “So, I noticed that Benny acted a bit strange last night, and you were pretty quiet.” She pauses to gauge my reaction. I show her nothing. “Well, I’m thinking that perhaps you and Ben had a little somethin’-somethin’ going on.” Her eyebrows rise up and down several times. I still stay quiet. “Come on, Sam, I could feel the sexual tension as soon as I walked in on you two yesterday. And don’t tell me any different. Your lips were pretty close to colliding with his.”

  I start to open my mouth, but nothing comes out. What can I say, she’s right? I’d hoped she hadn’t noticed, but nothing gets past her, like ever. “Oh, come on. Spill it! You know you want to talk about it.” She raises her eyebrows again, and I can’t help but laugh.

  “I don’t know, Jenny. The ride here was really great, and he was so nice.” I smile at the memory. “He’s pretty amazing.” Blinking my eyes, I’m not sure how much more I want to share. But this is my best friend. “You know, he backed away from me in the kitchen. I was sure he wanted to kiss me, but maybe I misread his signals?”

  She looks at me tentatively, “Do you want to kiss him?”

  “This sounds crazy, but yeah, I do. I haven’t wanted a kiss this badly in a long, long time.” Touching my lips, I look down to the floor. I have no idea how Jenny’s going to feel about this. “Look, I know he’s your brother, and I don’t want this to be weird for you. My stomach is in knots.” I take a chance and peek at her from under my bangs. She’s actually smiling.

  “Sam, this is the best friggin’ news I’ve had in a long time. I saw how Ben was yesterday. He’s been lost without Beth for so long. I’ve been scared that he would never find someone and move on.” Grabbing both my hands, she clutches them tight. “If he’s going to move on, I’m glad it’s with you. He drives me insane and annoys me to no end, but he’s truly the best. I think you two are perfect for each other.”

  I let go of her hands to raise them up in protest. “Whoa, don’t go there. I’m not sure what you think is happening with us, but it’s not even close to that.” I pull my hair off my head and back into a messy bun. “Listen, he jerked away from me not once, but twice last night. He mentioned Beth a few times, and I can see the loss and grief that consumes him still.” I try to blink away the tear I feel threatening to fall. “To have a love like that must have been amazing. Some of us never get to experience that kind of love. I only hope I do someday.” My hands clutch my shirt. “Jenny, I don’t know what to do.”

  She gets up from the bed and crosses over to the window to look out. “I’m not going to lie. What they had was special, but I believe that she would want him to move on. People can love again. I believe that he can. Sometimes you just need a little nudge.” And then that familiar mischievous smile creeps across her face. “Operation Ben in Love is underway!”

  I whack her arm. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m going to help you and Ben fall in love. This is perfect. I can see he wants you, and he’s clearly attracted to you.” She moves toward me. “What do you think? You want to fall in love?”

  I shoo her off the bed and turn her shoulders to face me. “You can’t make people fall in love. It has to happen naturally, not by force. Besides, I’m not sure what I want. Just leave it alone, Jenny. If something’s going to happen, it will on its own.” My grip on her doesn’t lessen. “I mean it. Promise me you won’t meddle. Let it go. Let Ben move at his own pace.” I move away from her and look out the window. Ben is coming out of the barn. He’s so beautiful. “Promise me. Promise you’ll leave it.”

  “Okay, I promise. But don’t think I won’t provide some encouragement now and then. I want you two happy. I hear what you’re saying, but it’s just hard for me not to help.”

  That’s probably the most I can get
from her, and it’ll have to do. I’m sure she’ll attempt something, but she knows not to mess with me. Ben’s heart is broken, and he needs to repair it on his own terms. I want to help him heal, but mine’s barely recovered. I continue to look out the window with longing, not even aware that Jenny left. My eyes stay on him, not breaking away. He must sense my stare because he looks up at the window. His smile is beaming and full of promise. He waves, and I wave back. It’s then that I realize I want to give him a piece of my heart. But can I handle it, and can I heal his?

  I feel her eyes on me. It’s weird, but I do. I’m setting up the outdoor tables and chairs for the tastings this week. I don’t want to turn around, but my body has other plans. Turning to my window, I glance up and see her. She’s looking down at me like I knew she would be. She looks gorgeous. There’s no way I can contain my smile, and I don’t want to. I fucking wave like a stupid teenage boy, and she waves back at me. My heart feels weary yet invigorated by her.

  I’m enjoying my coffee on the porch when she joins me.

  “I brought out some muffins in case you are hungry.”

  “Thanks, I’ll take one. There’s coffee, too, help yourself.” She hands me the muffin and her fingers lightly brush mine. It warms me.

  “I’ll stick with water. I don’t drink coffee.”

  “You don’t drink coffee?” The alarm in my voice reddens her face.

  “I know I’m probably one of the last people on the planet that doesn’t like coffee. I love how it smells, but the taste? Yuck!”

  I chuckle at the grimace on her face. “I can’t wake up without it. This is my second cup. How do you get moving in the mornings?”

  “I’m a morning person. No caffeine needed to fuel this body. Besides, there are other energy-inducing ways to wake up in the morning.”

  The coffee sputters out of my mouth and onto her shirt. Shit, this girl lays it all out there.

  “Sorry! Shit! It seems I say that to you a lot.”

  “It’s okay, but I’m not sure why you spit at me.”

  “Well, you were talking about other ways to wake up in the morning. It kind of shocked me. I mean, you did blurt it out!”

  She looks surprised. “What did you think I mean?” Her eyes go even wider. “Did you think I meant wake-up sex? Naughty, naughty Ben. You have a dirty mind.” She pops a piece of muffin in her mouth. “I’m talking about exercise, you perv!”

  I’m a shit. I try to open my mouth, but it’s dry. I have no idea what to say. She kicks my leg under the table and laughs so hard and loud. I join in, and suddenly I feel light and free. The laughter feels awesome, and I don’t want to stop. Finally I speak. “Sorry, again. Obviously I thought ... well, you know what I thought.”

  “Oh relax, Ben, I’m just riding you! Now don’t let that image invade your filthy thoughts.” She fucking winks at me and kicks me again. I love it. This girl does it for me. She turns me inside out, and I think I like it. I embrace the dirty thoughts. Visions of her riding me early in the morning for wake-up sex devour me. Damn if I can make it through this day without a constant bulge in my pants.

  I pull up to the house in my beat-up pickup truck that I like to use around the vineyard. It’s old and rusting out in some spots, but I can’t give her up. She’s solid and can still take a heavy load. My excitement builds with each minute that passes. Sam went in to change her shirt and put on some hiking boots. Today, I’m showing her my home. There’s so much to see.

  Our vineyard is considered medium-sized compared to the other local wineries. We offer public and private tastings, as well as private functions.

  I thought I would show her the layout of the land and let her guide me in which direction to go. I want her to set the course. The lush, green, rolling hills paired with row after row of grape-covered vines are a thing of beauty. Large oak trees and small local redwoods are majestic and offer the best shade for a quiet and romantic picnic. Maybe I should pack us a light basket of drinks and munchies.

  I turn off the engine and make a dash into the barn and run into the wine cellar. I decide to grab our Petit Sirah and two glasses. Running into the house, I find the picnic basket in the pantry. I look around for the crackers and throw them in. I pack us some fresh fruit and cheese to complement the wine. At the last second I grab some chocolate. I remember that I have an old blanket out back on the porch. Perfect. My gut tells me she’s a picnic kind of girl.

  I walk back outside and find Jenny leaning against my truck. “What’s up, Bean Sprout?” I can see her jaw tighten and fists clench together. These silly nicknames still get her riled up and I love it.

  “Stop with the Bean stuff already! Anyway, are you ready to take Sam around? I know she’s excited to see everything and spend time with you.” Her grin is like the Cheshire Cat. It’s sneaky, like she’s up to something. I’ll play along.

  “Yeah, I’m excited to show her around. I even packed a picnic if we decide to stop and take a rest.”

  Jenny claps her hands together. “A picnic. That’s right up her alley. Good job, Ben.” She twirls her fingers together. “So you’ll be sitting out under a tree, laying down on the blanket, eating, and sipping some wine. Hmm.”

  “What do you mean, hmmm?”

  “Oh, nothing. It’s just very romantic, don’t you think?” She pushes off the truck and grabs the basket. “Let me see what you’ve got packed in there.”

  I yank it away from her. “Jenny, back off. There’s nothing romantic going on. I’m just showing her around.”

  “Okay, Ben. Whatever you say. No romance. Got it.”

  “Bean, let it drop.” I can hear my voice getting louder with each word. My patience is waning. I can see her taunting smile, and even her stance is more upright. “For Christ’s sake! There’s nothing romantic going on here!”

  “I’m glad we cleared that up.” I don’t need to turn around. A sudden hot flash overtakes my body. Why is it every time I’m around this girl I do or say something asinine? Slowly, I turn to face her with some semblance of a smile. I try to say something—anything. “I … I … I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just, well, uh ...” Now I stutter, too.

  “Don’t sweat it. I’m not looking for any romance. So we’re all set. Bye Jenny!” She reaches for the door handle and starts to open it. “I assume we’re taking Red here for the tour?”

  I move to my side and climb in. “Red?”

  “I name all the cars I drive in. I like to develop relationships with them so they’ll take good care of me and not break down.” She climbs in, shrugging her shoulders, like it’s normal to name your car.

  I shrug back at her. “Okay. Why Red?”

  “Duh. Isn’t it obvious?” She opens her arms wide as if she’s showcasing the car. “She’s painted red and is getting on in years. Red is a strong, sturdy name.” She taps the doorframe and smiles at me. It’s that same smile—the one that goes straight to her eyes.

  My brain can’t control what my mouth spews next. “Your smile brightens up your whole face and makes your eyes sparkle. You’re beautiful.” Sparkle? This girl is definitely turning me into some kinda sap.

  She looks at me for what feels like minutes, but, of course, is really only seconds. “Wow Ben. Careful, that sounds romantic to me. Are you sure there’s nothing romantic going on here?” She winks and smacks my arm in a teasing way. “So, let’s get this tour started!”

  “Ah, yeah, okay. Sorry, again. I just wanted you to know what I’m thinking.” I hope she can’t hear the hurt in my voice, but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of hiding it. I start up Red and we take off. The dirt roads are bumpy and jolt us around a bit. We sit in silence while I drive up to the ridge that overlooks our vineyard and the valley.

  This is one of my favorite spots, but I’m afraid to tell her. I’m hesitant to stop and make more of a jackass of myself, so I slow down so we can both take in the view.

  “Ben, this is amazing. No wonder you and Jenny love it here. Growing up here must
have been so cool.”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I love to come out here and sit. It’s peaceful. I could sit here for hours and do nothing but just be.” I stop the truck and put it in park.

  “It’s nice to just be sometimes, isn’t it? Time to be you. No expectations, limits, or disappointments. I like the sound of that, Ben.” She grabs my hand and holds it. It feels soft and safe. I grab it tighter so she won’t let go. “It’s my turn to say sorry, Ben. I shouldn’t have responded to you the way I did. What you said about me being beautiful was really nice. I liked it. A lot. Thank you.”

  I lift her hand up to my lips and gently kiss it. I can hear her gasp, and it sends a shiver through me. “Well, every word I’ve said is true, Sam.” We’re both silent. There’s probably more to say, but I don’t want to screw it up. “You ready to keep exploring?” Now if that’s not a loaded word, I don’t know what is.

  “Sure, but can we stop over there under that tree? I’d like to get out and explore on foot for a bit, if that’s okay?”

  It’s my turn to smile now. I can tell that she loves it here, too. “Absolutely, but only on one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I get to keep holding your hand.” Please say yes.

  “You want to keep holding my hand? I don’t know, Ben. For someone who doesn’t want romance, you’re sure pushing the boundaries.” I hold her hand firm and pull her toward me. I must’ve done it too hard, because it throws her balance off. Her head moves toward my lap, and damn, it’s hot. I could help stop her momentum, but fuck that. Having her head in my lap is like my shower fantasy come true.

  Instinctively, her hand lands on my thigh to stop her head from falling forward. She pops back up brushing her hair off her face. Her pink lips form a lovely O, and I instantly think of them on my dick. The color of her skin is a lovely shade of red and her breath is heavy. I look at her and wink. My eyes and grin give away my naughty thoughts. She looks surprised and pissed. I like that combination.