[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years

by Tracie Peterson

  “Ashley,” he whispered against her ear.

  “Mmm.”

  “Ashley, love, wake up. It’s almost light. We need to prepare for our search.”

  Ashley woke up slowly. She looked up into his face, her dark eyes searching his as if in a dream. “Ethan . . . you’re here,” she said. Apparently sleep still kept her mind from remembering the night before.

  “Yes, I’m here, but we need to go look for Natalie.”

  She came awake instantly at the mention of their daughter’s name.

  “She hasn’t come home.”

  It was a statement, not a question, but Ethan felt he needed to respond nevertheless. “No, but she will. I promise you—she will.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Ethan and Ashley prepared some supplies and headed back to the Harvey hotel. The sun was barely on the horizon when to their surprise a group of men, mounted on horseback, arrived. Soon others joined them, both on horseback and in cars. True to his word, Pastor McGuire was there and with him Marcus Greeley, who looked rather uncomfortable atop the bay mount the pastor had lent him.

  “I’ve put Brother Roberts in charge of the church and told him I needed to pastor this search.” Pastor McGuire motioned to the extra horse and handed down the reins to Ethan and said, “I’ve brought you a good mount. Now, where do we start?”

  Ethan took hold of the horse. “I think if we form a circle around the outside edge of town and keep working our way out, we’ll cover more territory.”

  “I think that’s wise,” said the town marshal. “Some of my men and I will lead the teams going north and west. The rest of my men can stay here and run messages to us if needed and keep things under control. If you men will take the east and south, we’ll have a good chance of covering just about everything in a ten-mile radius. I can’t see her getting any farther away than that.”

  Ethan had no idea who had thought to let the man know of their predicament, but he was grateful for the help. In fact, he was deeply touched by the way the community had turned out to help look for his daughter.

  “You stay here in case she comes home,” Ethan told Ashley as he mounted the black gelding Pastor McGuire had given him.

  “But I want to come and look for her too. I can’t just do nothing,” Ashley protested.

  “But she may slip through our lines and come home. Or she may have been hiding here in town all along. We’ll need to know that as soon as possible.”

  “But . . .”

  “Mrs. Reynolds, he’s right,” the marshal stated rather sternly. “You need to stay here and let us do the hard work.”

  Ethan longed to lean down and kiss her good-bye, but instead he took the canteen she offered. “She’ll be all right. Just keep praying.”

  “I want to believe, but my faith is weak.”

  Pastor McGuire overheard this and smiled. “When we’re weak, then God is strong. We know for sure then that we’re not operating in our own strength—but in His.”

  Ashley nodded and handed Ethan his pack. “Be careful.”

  He smiled, feeling the warmth of her concern. “I will.”

  * * *

  Emptiness washed over Ashley as she watched the men ride away. She’d heard one of the railroad men say that the night had been warmer than usual. She prayed it was true. She had no way of knowing if Natalie had thought to take warm clothes or food.

  I should have inventoried things, she thought. That would have given me a better idea of what she might have with her. But even as Ashley thought this, she knew it would also give her a good idea of what Natalie hadn’t taken, and then she would have worried all the more.

  Ashley searched around town, checking Natalie’s favorite spots and talking to friends as they prepared for church. No one had seen the girl, but they assured Ashley that they were keeping an eye open for her. Ashley thanked each person for his concern, then continued her own search.

  She walked down Third Street to Berry and up to Oak, then back east toward home. With every step her heart grew heavier and hope seemed out of reach. By the time she came to the wrought-iron gate of her own home, Ashley longed to break down and cry. She looked at the little two-story brick house and felt her heart overflow with grief. This used to be a home. She and Natalie had been very happy here. Would they ever be happy again?

  Ashley pushed back the gate and made her way to the house. Despite her mother’s claims to repossess her home and Grandpa’s savings, Ashley knew she’d never give up their home—not so long as there was breath in her body. This was where she had raised Natalie. This was Natalie’s home.

  But what if something happened to Natalie? What if she’s gotten herself killed?

  The question came against her will. Ashley wiped at the tears that followed. She can’t be dead. She must be all right. Please, God, let her be all right.

  The house was quiet when Ashley entered. She checked the clock and saw that it was only nine-thirty.

  “Any word?” Lavelle questioned, coming from the kitchen wearing Ashley’s apron and carrying a cup of coffee.

  “No. The men have formed a search party and have taken off on horseback to search the open ground.”

  Lavelle placed the cup and saucer on the table and pulled out a chair. “Here, sit down and have some coffee. I’ll bring you some breakfast in just a minute.”

  “I’m not hungry,” Ashley said, taking the offered seat. “The coffee sounds good, though. Thank you.”

  Lavelle nodded and sat down beside her. “This is the hardest part. Waiting.”

  Ashley took a long drink. The hot liquid warmed her chilled body. She couldn’t tell if she’d grown cold because of the temperature or her own fears.

  “Well, has she been found?” Ashley’s mother questioned as she entered the room.

  Ashley was in no mood to deal with her mother’s haughty temperament, but she swallowed another sip of the coffee and shook her head. “They’re still searching.”

  “This is certainly a fine mess. You should have been less lenient with the child. Giving her a pony was sure to lead to disaster. Why, people are killed from being thrown off of horses, and a foolish child racing out in the dead of night is sure to meet with a terrible fate.”

  “Mother, stop!” Ashley cried.

  “Yes, please, Leticia. Try to be more encouraging.”

  Ashley’s mother drew her chin up in defiance. “I will not be hushed or dictated to. I have a right to my opinion, and that opinion is that you’ve done a poor job of raising your daughter.”

  “Well, if I have, it’s because I had a poor example to follow,” Ashley retorted, her anger growing. All the frustration and fear of Natalie’s disappearance quickly reordered itself into rage. “You’ve always concerned yourself with things that held importance only to you. You hardly gave me the time of day, much less the time I needed. Had you been able to share your time and heart as freely as you spent Grandpa’s money, I might have desired to maintain a relationship with you.”

  “You are a vicious and cruel woman,” her mother countered, “just as you were an inattentive and inconsiderate child. You never cared about the things that were important to me.”

  The gauntlet had been thrown down, and Ashley picked it up with great relish. “I might have cared if those things so near and dear to your heart would have included me.”

  “Always you. Always. You were never happy unless you were the center of attention. Your brothers doted on you. Your father doted on you. But that wasn’t enough. You needed to be the center of my world as well,” Leticia stated angrily. “Well, I hardly had time for spoiled little girls. There were important people to deal with, and as you grew you could have been an asset—could have helped me—but you were too self-absorbed.”

  Ashley opened her mouth in disbelief. “That isn’t true. You had my life planned out for me, and when I refused to follow your guidelines, you dismissed me like a servant you’d caught stealing.”

  “You might as well have stolen f
rom us. You took everything we offered without worrying about where it came from or how expensive it might have been.”

  Ashley pounded her fists on the table. “Because money never meant anything to me. I saw it only as something that occupied my father’s time and consumed my mother.” She got to her feet and stared her mother hard in the eye. “I have no understanding of your philosophy, because I’ve lived another kind of life since leaving Baltimore.

  “I’ll give you this much, Mother. I was selfish and inconsiderate as a child and young woman. I was . . . because I was taught to be such. I was taught that when things or people didn’t meet your satisfaction, you sent them away. I was taught the price of everything and the value of nothing. It wasn’t until Ethan came into my life that I understood there was something more.”

  “Always that man. That man coming between my plans for you—that man taking what was never his to own in the first place. I say good riddance to him. Wherever he may be, you may be sure he’s amounted to nothing.”

  “He’s out searching for our daughter,” Ashley said, enjoying the look of surprise in her mother’s expression. “That’s right. He’s here in Winslow. What you thought to destroy, God saw fit to reunite. Ethan is here, Mother, and once he finds our daughter, he’s going to come home . . . and he’ll deal with you.”

  Leticia actually paled. She gripped the back of the chair. “How can he be here? You didn’t even know he was alive until I told you.”

  Lavelle stepped toward her sister. “God has a way of working these things out, Letty. I think you should both calm down and realize that Natalie is still out there somewhere. We should be praying and keeping our focus on her. The rest of this is just anger speaking out.”

  “I hate you for what you’ve done to us,” Ashley said to her mother, her voice deadly calm. “I hate you for robbing us of eleven years of happiness. I’m glad you’ve lost your fortune. I hope you suffer, and suffer dearly. Furthermore, I’m glad you disdain God, because I certainly don’t want to have to share eternity with the likes of you.”

  Ashley suddenly looked away, despising herself for her angry words. She pushed Lavelle aside and headed down the hall to Grandpa’s old room and locked herself inside. Throwing herself across the bed, Ashley began to cry a torrent of tears.

  Why can’t I be forgiving like you wanted, Grandpa? Why can’t I let go of what she did so long ago? She hurt you, too, but you loved her to the end. Why can’t I just love her and forget the pain she’s caused?

  And then her words turned to prayer. “Oh, God, why does this have to hurt so much? Why, when Ethan has come home and hope is restored and there is a road toward a real future together in sight, does my mother have to make my life so miserable? I was happy until she came. I was happy until I learned that Grandpa was dying.”

  But was she? Ashley was immediately struck with her own bitterness. With an honesty that tore at her heart, she could only remember her anger and unhappiness. Loneliness and bitter regret had hardened her heart years ago. She had blamed God for taking Ethan away from her in the first place, and she had blamed her mother for trying to force her plans upon Ashley. And now she blamed her mother for keeping Ethan away for so many years.

  “Being a Christian is too hard, Lord. I can’t do this. I can’t forgive her. She doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”

  “Nobody deserves forgiveness.” Grandpa’s words settled on her heart. “God offered us what we didn’t deserve, in order to save us from what we did deserve.”

  Ashley remained very still, trying hard to remember the details of their conversation. He had been speaking to her about coming to God—about seeking forgiveness for her own sins. Her sins were just as unforgivable as her mother’s.

  “But that can’t be,” she murmured. “I’ve never been like her. I’ve never lied like that or stolen someone’s life away from them. She might as well have killed me.”

  Ethan’s words from the night before came to her. “I killed men—boys, really. I killed them even when I didn’t have to.”

  She could readily forgive what he’d done in the line of duty, even when he proclaimed himself to have acted outside of duty. Ethan’s wrongs scarcely even bothered her. Why could she forgive him that and not forgive her mother?

  “Because she doesn’t want to be forgiven,” Ashley said, sitting up. “She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. She hurts people and causes deep pain, but she doesn’t care because she has no standard by which to gauge it.”

  Ashley considered the situation in the depth of her soul. “If she doesn’t want forgiveness because she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong, then why should I forgive her? Why does it matter what I think or feel toward her when she’s perfectly content to believe herself absolutely right in these matters?”

  Forgive her for your own sake. Forgive her for the freedom that comes in letting go of the past. Forgive her because I’ve forgiven you.

  The words seemed to come from somewhere deep within. The quickening in her spirit left Ashley no doubt where the inspiration had come from. Ashley looked to the Bible on Grandpa’s nightstand. Picking it up, she hugged it close.

  “I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered. “God, I’m only human, and I don’t know how to forgive her for this. Grandpa would tell me that I should lean on you, and so that’s all I have—that’s all I can do. You’ll have to show me how to forgive her. How to stop hating her. Please, God. Please show me.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Spreading out across the windblown desert, the searchers looked for any sign that might give them hope that Natalie had passed that way. Ethan found himself praying continuously. Suddenly nothing in life was more important than finding that little girl.

  “Lord, I know I’ve asked for her safety over and over during this ordeal, but I just can’t keep from asking again. Help us to find her—help me to find her. I want so much just to hold her and know that she’s going to be all right.”

  Ethan watched as the distance between himself and the other riders grew. They were like the spokes of a wheel heading out from their hub—Winslow. It seemed a responsible way to search, but the slow, methodic manner in which they conducted themselves did little to ease his concerns.

  He studied the horizon with a burning desire to kick the horse into a full gallop. He wanted to reach whatever destination would prove to him that Natalie was safe and sound. He didn’t even care if she was mindless of the suffering she’d caused. He didn’t care if she was still as mad as a wet hornet. He just wanted to find her and bring her back safely to Ashley.

  Ashley.

  Even thinking of her now warmed his heart. He knew just by looking in her eyes that they had a future. She didn’t care about the past. She didn’t care that he’d killed men and still had nightmares. Ashley would open her home and her arms to him if that was what he wanted.

  He looked at the ground for any sign Natalie might have left behind, then scanned the horizon once again. The turmoil in his heart got the better of him and a tightness rose up in his throat. I know I’m not perfect, but I can try to be a good husband and father. I would like to try. I want to do the right thing in spite of the years that have gone by.

  Ethan looked at Pastor McGuire, who was riding toward a large collection of sandstone rocks. The reddish boulders would create the perfect hiding place.

  “I’m going to check out these rocks!” McGuire called out. Ethan slowed his horse and held his breath, waiting for some sign. The pastor picked his way around the rocks, disappearing momentarily from Ethan’s sight, then coming around in view again.

  “She’s not been here!” McGuire called out. “I don’t see any tracks at all to suggest otherwise.”

  “Okay!” Ethan replied and waved. Disappointment welled up inside. She seemed to have vanished from the face of the earth.

  Ethan studied the ground for hoof tracks that might prove the pony had passed this way, but the wind whipped up the sand and dirt, blowing i
t first one direction and then another. A dust devil blew up not ten feet in front of him, spooking the mount. The horse reared up a bit and the action caused Ethan to nearly lose his seat. He wasn’t much of a horseman, and this added intrigue was almost more than he could handle. The gelding danced around for a moment as Ethan fought to regain control.

  “Easy, fellow,” he called soothingly. “Whoa, now.”

  The horse calmed as the windy formation spent itself and the sand fell back to earth in a new location. The animal proceeded in a cautious fashion, ears slightly back, alert to the ever-present danger that another whirlwind might threaten them. Ethan tired of the slow walk and urged the gelding forward, picking up the pace to a trot. Surely he could spot something just as easily at this speed.

  After a time, Ethan could see the rock formations that edged Clear Creek. How pleasant their picnic had been here on that Sunday so long ago. He looked off in the distance. Wasn’t that the direction in which Natalie planned to build her mother a house? He slowed the horse and patrolled the rock-lined creek, seeking some clue that his daughter was here and safe. He was just about to call out to Pastor McGuire when the man motioned and called to Ethan. “Look over there!”

  Ethan followed the direction indicated and caught sight of Penny, Natalie’s pony. His heart sank. The pony was saddled but without a rider. Ethan pressed his horse into a full gallop, but as he neared, the pony spooked and pranced away nervously. Ethan pulled back the reins and brought the gelding to a stop. “Easy, boy,” he called and patted his horse’s neck.

  By this time Pastor McGuire and Marcus Greeley had joined him. The men had served as Ethan’s right and left flank. Dismounting, he tossed his reins to McGuire and went in pursuit of Penny.

  “Come on, Penny-girl.” He clucked softly as he’d heard Natalie do, then reached into his pocket for the apple Ashley had given him shortly before they’d left the house. “Look what I have for you.” He held up the apple and walked ever so slowly toward the spooked horse.