Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove

by Jessica Redland

  ‘For a walk.’

  ‘It’s your house, Kay. We can’t kick you out.’

  ‘I could do with the exercise and I might get some nice photos.’ She patted my arm. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t let him upset you, though. You look exhausted.’

  ‘I am.’

  I found Gary pacing up and down the lounge. ‘She knows,’ he said as soon as I walked into the room. ‘We were so careful yet she knows. How does she know? Did you tell her?’ Then he burst into tears.

  I ran to him and held him tightly.

  ‘I take it you mean your mother?’ I asked when he’d calmed down enough to be led to the sofa to sit down.

  He nodded.

  ‘I didn’t tell her. I said I wouldn’t and I kept my promise. I take it you didn’t tell her about you and Rob when I suggested it?’

  He shook his head. ‘The timing never seemed right.’

  I nearly laughed at the appropriateness of that statement given the conversation I’d just avoided with Sarah. ‘With your mother, the timing would never have been right. What did she say?’

  He wiped his face with the tissue I offered. ‘What didn’t she say? The language. It was like she was possessed. She said I was as evil as Lloyd and that we were now both dead to her because of our sins. She started ranting about HIV and AIDS and how that would be God’s punishment to me for my “abnormal behaviour”. What sort of person would say a thing like that to her son?’ Tears coursed down his cheeks again and I took his shaking hand in mine.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I really am. You know I’ve never been her biggest fan, but that’s worse than I could ever have expected from her. Have you told Rob?’

  ‘Not yet. He’d have stormed round and told her exactly what he thought of her. I’ll tell him, but I need to be less emotional about it. The only person I knew who’d understand was you. I know it’s asking a lot after—’

  ‘Stop right there. You came to the right place. You were there during my mother’s finest hour and I’m here for you during Cynthia’s.’

  I made him a cup of tea and we talked about his encounter with Cynthia, how guilty he felt for not making more of an effort with Lloyd who he now realised would have had a far rougher time at the receiving end of his mother’s prejudices than he’d ever imagined, and how tough an existence his father must have had being married to such an opinionated, narrow-minded woman.

  ‘What about you and Rob?’ I asked. ‘How’s that going?’

  Gary raised an eyebrow. ‘You really want to know?’

  Did I? Actually, I did. I’d accepted our marriage was over some time ago, but I think I’d also come to terms with the reason. Was that because of my fling with Daniel or because I had more important things to focus on now? ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I really want to know.’

  ‘It’s going really well, actually. We’re… No, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Go on. I promise not to have hysterics.’

  ‘No. You don’t want to hear this. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘You can’t leave it there, Gary. Let me guess. You’re moving in together. Am I right?’

  ‘We’ve been looking at a few flats on Sea Cliff.’

  A couple of months back – perhaps even a few weeks back – that information would have floored me yet, strangely, it didn’t. I actually felt happy for him.

  ‘What are you smiling at?’ he asked.

  ‘You. Despite the trauma with your mother, you look so content. It’s nice.’

  He smiled. ‘I am content. I thought you’d be upset.’

  ‘So did I. A lot has happened over the last few months and I think I’m finally in a place where I can accept it and move on.’

  ‘And have you moved on?’

  ‘By which you mean is there someone else?’

  ‘I suppose so. Is it that guy from Bean Cuisine?’

  ‘It was, but that’s all over. I think he was my Getting Over Gary prescription and, for a while, he was exactly what the doctor ordered. It’s just me on my own for the moment and I’m quite happy with that.’

  We sat there smiling at each other for a while. ‘Are you okay, now?’ I said eventually.

  ‘I will be. I think my mum has shown her true colours and my priority right now is to get to know my brother and his family.’

  ‘I’m so glad you’ve said that. I always wanted you to reach out to Lloyd and Zoe.’

  ‘Did you? You never said.’

  I shrugged. ‘I never said a lot of things, particularly where your family were concerned, and I regret that now. I’ve been seeing Jem again. He says I shouldn’t have regrets. I should have learnings. I’ve learned a lot from our marriage, and I’ve learned a lot since. I hope it’s all made me stronger. Why are you looking at me like that?’

  Gary had tilted his head slightly to one side, with an amused smile on his lips. ‘You’re different.’

  ‘Oh. Good different or bad different?’

  ‘Good different. I can see glimpses of the girl I knew at school and college, but with added wisdom and maturity. I like it. You seem stronger.’

  ‘I feel stronger. Thank you.’

  Gary stood up. ‘I’ve taken enough of your time. I’d better go.’

  I stood up too. ‘I’m sure she’ll come running back to you when she realises she’s completely screwed up and she’s a very lonely woman with no family.’ I didn’t care that it sounded harsh; she deserved it.

  ‘I hope so,’ he said. ‘Thank you. You’ve been a great help. Does this mean we can be friends again?’

  ‘Come here, you.’ I hugged him. ‘We’ve always been friends and we always will be. I think that’s why our relationship worked for so long. It’s been good to have some time apart while I got over the hurt. I’d like to think that we can find our way back to the friendship that started this whole thing off and that I’ll be able to forgive Rob.’

  ‘I’d like that.’ He walked towards the front door then turned to face me. ‘Thanks. You’ve shown great dignity throughout all of this. You’re an amazing woman.’

  ‘I’m not sure I handled it with dignity at the start but thank you.’

  ‘Are you okay, by the way? You look tired.’

  I smiled. ‘I’ve had a bit of sickness recently, but I’m improving.’

  ‘Have you seen a doctor?’

  ‘Yes. I’m sure you’ll understand that I’ve registered elsewhere, but I’m absolutely fine thank you, Dr Dawson.’

  ‘You’re sure? I want you to be happy too.’

  ‘I know.’ I took hold of his hand and smiled. ‘And I really think I’m going to be. It’s been a tough few months, but the future’s looking bright.’

  I reached around him and opened the door. We hugged again before he headed home to Rob.

  As I washed the mugs, I reflected on our parting words. It really was going to be okay. I didn’t feel quite so numb anymore. Talking to Gary about Rob hadn’t hurt. Talking about being friends had felt like a real possibility. It felt like I’d closed a door on my old life with Gary and opened up a new one on my life with baby bean. I was going to have a baby and I was going to love it whether or not Daniel wanted to be in its life. And I would never, ever, show such contempt and disrespect for my child as Gary’s mother had to her two boys, no matter what challenges or diversity it brought into our lives. We’d get through everything together because I would love this baby. In that moment, I also knew that, despite the concerns I’d shared with Jem, I would never, ever be like my mother.

  I stroked my stomach. Gary’s proposition to have his baby hadn’t felt right, but somehow this scenario finally did.

  31

  The next week-and-a-half flew by – ten days of keeping my secret from everyone. I didn’t hear from Michael or Stevie, not that I expected to, although butterflies soared in my stomach every time I thought about Sarah’s birthday meal, knowing Stevie would be there.

  I met Clare and Callie on the Saturday morning to finalise t
he plans for Sarah’s hen do and to book everything. It was all very civilised, which was a relief, because I couldn’t have faced a bust-up with Clare.

  Sarah’s birthday wasn’t until the following Friday but she was providing the flowers for several events that weekend so had decided to have her birthday celebrations the week before.

  ‘Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you…’

  Sarah took her seat at the head of the table in Le Bistro – a cosy restaurant a few streets back from the seafront – while twenty or so friends, colleagues, and family members sang to her.

  ‘Thank you so much for coming,’ she said. ‘It was my thirtieth birthday last year and I didn’t do anything because I didn’t feel like there was anything to celebrate. A year later, I have a new business, a fiancé, new family, and new friends.’ She looked round the group, nodding. ‘What a difference a year makes. Thank you all for being part of it.’

  Yes, indeed. What a difference a year makes. Sarah had split up with her boyfriend on her thirtieth birthday, hopped on the train home, and had been presented with Kay’s proposal to take over Seaside Blooms. Now she had a thriving business and was planning her wedding.

  To stop me dwelling on how much my own life had also changed during that year, I retrieved the gift bag containing Sarah’s present from under my chair, walked round the table, then crouched down beside her. ‘Happy birthday,’ I said.

  She smiled. ‘Thank you. Can I save it till Friday?’

  ‘Of course you can.’

  After hugging her, I returned to my seat opposite Jess and Lee. Ginny from The Wedding Emporium was seated beside me, which made me feel on edge. I’d messaged her about changing the size of my dress, telling her that I’d lost weight after the stress of splitting up with Gary, but had put it back on now and was worried the size I’d ordered wouldn’t fit. I’d felt quite distressed at how easily another lie had materialised. It gave me some insight into Gary’s world, though. Once you started lying, it was so hard to stop. You had to create new lies to cover old ones. I’d casually suggested that it may be a good idea not to mention anything to Sarah after so many disruptions to her plans already. Ginny had replied saying that I was just in time with the change and that she agreed there was no reason for Sarah to know. I couldn’t help panicking that she might suddenly drop it into conversation over dinner. I knew it was ridiculous to worry about it, but I couldn’t help it.

  A burst of laughter drew my eyes further up the table to where Stevie was seated with Clare to one side of him and Ben to the other. The three of them were creased up with laughter. I watched as Stevie wiped tears from his dimpled cheeks and found myself wishing that I’d been the one to make him laugh like that. His sparkling eyes and dimples were such a turn-on. A hot flush creeping up my body, I grabbed my water and took a big gulp.

  An oily olive bounced off my forearm, making me jump.

  ‘Have you heard a single thing I just said?’ Jess demanded.

  I hadn’t even been aware that she was talking to me. I took another glance down the table and caught Stevie’s eye. He gave me a gentle, reassuring smile. At least he wasn’t ignoring me. I turned back to Jess. ‘Sorry. I’m all ears now.’

  Ten minutes later, our starters arrived. Jess sniffed the air like a Bisto Kid and pointed to my plate. ‘Hmm, soft cheese. Now that’s something I can’t wait to gorge on when these two appear.’

  I laughed as I cut open my deep-fried Camembert, salivating as the warm cheese oozed out of the breadcrumbs, then her words actually registered with me. Soft cheese? Pregnancy? Oh no! How could I have been so stupid? I couldn’t eat it. Yet I was starving. I pushed it around my plate then hid it under some lettuce leaves, hoping nobody would notice. I think I’d have got away with it if it hadn’t been for a well-meaning waiter when it came to plate-clearing time. Was there something wrong with it? Was it not to my taste? I felt like everyone on the table was watching me.

  ‘It was delicious,’ I insisted, ‘but I’m not very hungry. I need to save my appetite for my main course.’

  ‘Please, madam, tell me if there was something wrong. I’ll tell the chef.’

  ‘No, no, it’s lovely. Really, it is. It’s just me. Please take it.’ Thankfully he stopped debating and removed the offending item.

  My stomach churned and I needed fresh air. I politely excused myself and tried to walk with dignity and grace away from the table, legs wobbling, stomach churning. Mints. I grabbed a handful from the bowl by the till and hadn’t even made it out of the door before I’d unwrapped one and stuffed it into my mouth.

  There was a chill in the air as I stepped outside, which probably explained why there was nobody seated at the metal tables. Taking a deep breath, I sat down at the furthest table, which was surrounded by wooden trellises covered in climbing plants. I sucked on my mint and waited for the nausea to subside. I unwrapped another one, shoved it in my mouth, then sat forward, resting my head in my hands.

  ‘You’re pregnant, aren’t you?’

  I looked up, startled, as Clare pulled out the seat next to me and sat down.

  ‘Of course not. Why would you…?’ But I stopped as I looked into her curious eyes. What was the point in denying it? I sighed, ‘Yes. How did you know?’

  ‘It was the cheese tonight. I heard what Jess said and I saw your face.’

  I bit my lip. ‘Do you think anyone else noticed? I don’t want them to know.’

  ‘No. I think your secret’s safe,’ she said, gently. ‘How far will you be?’

  ‘A little over ten weeks.’

  ‘I’m assuming that, if you’re avoiding drink and being careful with food, you’re planning on keeping the baby?’

  ‘Ending it isn’t an option for me. I couldn’t do that. It’s not the baby’s fault that it wasn’t planned. You probably think I’m doing the wrong thing, don’t you?’

  Clare sat back and glared at me. ‘Have you learned nothing from our fight? You really think I’d recommend a termination?’

  ‘No. Not recommend as such. It’s not a judgement about it. I just thought you hated kids so that’s maybe what you’d do if you were in my situation.’

  ‘I don’t hate kids.’

  ‘But Sarah told me you call babies gremlins and can’t bear to be around them. I just assumed that—’

  ‘It’s easier that way. I don’t have to—’ She stopped and cleared her throat. ‘Ten weeks, you say? Not Gary’s. Unless…? Okay, stop shaking your head. Not Gary’s. Daniel’s?’

  I nodded and chewed on my lip again.

  ‘So you’re ten weeks pregnant with Daniel’s baby and nobody knows. What happens next?’

  ‘Is that true?’

  I jumped at the male voice and looked up into his pained eyes. My heart thumped.

  ‘I asked you a question. Is it true that you’re pregnant with my brother’s baby?’ His voice was thick with emotion, his face pale, his body shaking.

  I stood up. ‘Michael. I’m sorry. I…’ But what was there to say?

  ‘Don’t,’ he snapped. ‘I don’t want to hear it. Give this to my dad.’ He thrust something into my hands, turned, and marched out of the seating area.

  ‘Michael!’ I glanced at Clare.

  ‘Go after him,’ she hissed, grabbing the item off me.

  ‘Michael!’

  He’d rounded the corner and was striding up Sandy Bank towards town by the time I caught him. ‘Michael! Please talk to me.’

  He turned round, his face pale except for a bright red patch on each cheek. ‘I know you said we could only be friends, but I hoped that, with time, you’d start to think of me as more than that. I’m so bloody stupid. First Amber. Now you. And my bastard brother has to screw things up with both of you.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.’

  ‘And neither did Amber, yet somehow I’m stuck in Groundhog Day with two severe cases of unrequited love where the women I care about choose that two-timing shit over me, he ruins their lives, and I�
�m expected to pick up the pieces.’

  I reached out and touched his arm, but he shrugged me off. ‘Please don’t touch me. I can’t do this. I can’t be friends with you.’

  ‘I’m not with Daniel, though. I ended it.’

  ‘But it’s not over. You’re carrying his baby. I wish you well, Elise, I really do, but I can’t be there to watch you bring up my brother’s baby.’

  ‘I’m sorry you had to find out like this.’

  ‘So am I.’ He turned to walk away, then spun back to face me again. ‘Does he know?’

  I shook my head. ‘Please don’t tell him.’

  ‘I won’t. You do know he won’t want anything to do with it, don’t you?’

  I nodded. ‘I’m counting on it.’

  My heart thumped as he held my gaze. Then he turned and disappeared up a side street.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered as I leaned against a lamppost, fighting another wave of nausea. It wasn’t my fault he’d overheard Clare and me, but it didn’t stop me feeling wretched with guilt.

  A warm hand slipped into mine. ‘I wanted to make sure you were okay,’ Clare said. ‘Are you?’

  A tear slipped down my cheek. ‘I’m not actually sure.’

  Then, for the first time ever, Clare hugged me and in that one moment I felt all the bad feeling between us pale into insignificance. The woman holding me didn’t seem like the bitchy man-eater I’d always put her down as; she seemed like a sensitive and warm person who I actually liked. At that moment, she was also a person who I really, really needed. Who knew?

  32

  October half-term couldn’t have arrived soon enough for me two weeks later. I was exhausted. My first trimester had taken it out of me, not helped by the start of a new academic year and getting ready to complete on the house sale.

  I’d realised it was unfair to expect Gary to pack up the whole house, so I’d agreed to spend most evenings during the last fortnight sorting, dividing up, selling or giving away our belongings. What an emotionally draining experience that had been, properly saying goodbye to our life together. It had also been good for my relationship with Gary. We’d talked more than we’d talked for years, and he’d managed to fully convince me that, even though he knew he was gay, he’d been happy as my husband for the first ten years thanks to the friendship we’d shared. It was comforting to know that our marriage hadn’t been a complete and utter failure.