Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove

by Jessica Redland

  I’d told Graham about my pregnancy. As my boss, he needed to know for health and safety reasons. The hopeful look in his eyes that Gary and I had overcome our differences was painful, and telling him that Gary wasn’t the father was embarrassing, but if he judged me, he didn’t let on.

  I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone else, though. I’d come close to confiding in Gary, but I bottled it. Clare, as the only other knowledgeable party other than my midwife and Jem (and Michael, of course), had been true to her word and kept the secret. She’d even taken to texting me to ask how I was and when I was having my scan. I exchanged the occasional text with Curtis, but I didn’t mention the baby.

  My first scan was timed nicely for half-term. It was scheduled for shortly after two o’clock on the Tuesday afternoon. I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. The nerves didn’t settle all day and I seemed to be permanently traipsing to the bathroom, even before I had to take on the obligatory extra fluid an hour before my scan.

  Kay had gone to York for a spot of early Christmas shopping with her friend Linda, which was a relief as she’d have soon noticed that something was afoot. I was a little surprised she hadn’t noticed already because usually nothing got past her. She did seem distracted with her photography, though. And Philip. She was adamant that it was just friendship, but I’d watched them playfully flirting with each other at Sarah’s birthday meal and had seen them together several times since. She could deny it all she wanted, but love was definitely in the air.

  As I arrived at the hospital, a thought struck me. What if they told me that something was wrong with baby bean? My legs instantly turned to jelly and I had to slow down to steady myself. I felt sick at the thought and suddenly regretted my decision not to tell Sarah, Gary, Jess, or Dad what I was going through in case I needed them to pick up the pieces. I didn’t want to go through this alone. If there was a problem, I wasn’t sure that I was strong enough to cope on my own. Stupid, stupid decision. Stupid secret. Stupid lies.

  Arriving outside the ultrasound department, I pushed the door open, then burst into tears when I saw who was waiting for me.

  ‘I know someone who went through this alone.’ Clare hugged me. ‘It was hard for her and she could have used some moral support. I thought you might feel the same and, assuming I’m still the only one other than Michael who knows about the baby, I’m the only one who can give you that.’ She let me go and indicated that I should sit down.

  ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I said when she sat next to me. ‘I’m having a panic. What if something’s wrong with the baby?’

  ‘Then something’s wrong with the baby and we’ll cross that bridge. You’ll know either way within about ten minutes and there’ll be nothing you can do about it. What will be will be.’

  Normally I hated Clare’s tell-it-like-it-is approach, but her words were surprisingly comforting and just what I needed to make me wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and pull myself together.

  ‘Elise Morgan?’

  It took me a moment to register that the young brunette holding a file and looking round the waiting room was calling for me. I hadn’t officially reverted to my maiden name, but I planned to. I’d decided it would save complications later if I started my pregnancy as Morgan. ‘Sorry, that’s me.’

  She smiled. ‘We’re in room two. My name’s Dawn and I’ll be your sonographer today.’

  Clare followed me and sat by the bed as Dawn explained the process. When I lay down, she took hold of my hand.

  ‘Is it your first baby?’ Dawn asked, looking from me to Clare then back to me.

  Clare giggled. ‘We’re not together, you know.’

  Dawn blushed. ‘Oh, sorry. You just looked very close.’

  Clare and I looked at each other and grinned. ‘Would you believe it if I said we hated each other until recently?’ I asked.

  ‘They say love and hate are very close emotions,’ Dawn said, then blushed again. ‘Not that I’m suggesting you love each other. I think I’m going to stop talking now and focus on finding this baby of yours. This might feel a little cold.’

  The sensation of the cold gel on my stomach made me squirm, but all feelings of discomfort soon went as the sound of a steady heartbeat filled the room and a grainy shape appeared on the screen.

  ‘Oh, this is good,’ Dawn said. ‘Baby’s laid in a really good position today.’ She pointed to various different parts of the image, telling me that we were looking at baby bean’s head or spine or legs. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she said. All I could think was that I was looking at a baby. My baby. The one thing I’d desperately wanted for so many years, but which my husband had refused to give me. Now I had the baby but no husband and I didn’t actually care. All I cared about was that tiny little blurred being with the rapid heartbeat. My family.

  I turned to look at Clare, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was staring at the screen, mesmerised, a single tear running down her right cheek. I looked back at the screen, but I didn’t feel tearful. I felt elated.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said to Clare as we left the ultrasound department. I was genuinely touched by her unexpected support. ‘You’ve been amazing, both today and at Sarah’s birthday. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘I’ll be sending you a bill,’ she said. ‘When will you be telling people? I won’t say anything, but it would be good to know.’

  ‘Not till after the wedding.’

  ‘Won’t you be showing by then?’

  ‘Maybe, but I’m hoping it won’t be too obvious. I wear maxi dresses a lot anyway so I should be able to hide it.’

  Clare sighed. ‘Maybe, but the bridesmaid dresses aren’t maxi dresses.’

  I grimaced. ‘I know, but they’re not tight-fitting and I ordered a bigger one to give me that bit more space.’

  ‘It’s your choice, but it’s a long time to keep something like this a secret.’

  ‘I know. I don’t want to steal Jess’s thunder with the twins and I don’t want to steal Sarah’s about the wedding so, if I can, I’d rather wait.’

  ‘I hear you, but will you not be placing a heap of unnecessary pressure on yourself by keeping this a secret? I know most people stay quiet until the first scan, just in case, but you know the baby’s well now. This is the time people usually make the big announcement.’

  ‘I know, but Sarah got so stressed about Callie’s pregnancy that I really don’t want her to worry about mine too. And I mean it about not stealing Jess’s and Sarah’s thunder. There’s no need for me to take the attention away from them when I can wait to announce my news after their big events. Does that make any sort of sense to you?’

  Clare nodded. ‘You are way, way, way too nice to people. I still think you’d be better off just getting the news out there, but it’s your decision. I won’t say anything, but I’d urge you to reconsider. People could get upset.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  We arrived in the lobby and discovered we were parked in different directions.

  ‘I’ll be going, then,’ Clare said, ‘but keep me updated and let me know if you need to talk. Apparently, it can be a pretty emotional thing, this pregnancy bollocks.’

  I laughed. ‘If I want to talk about my pregnancy bollocks, I’ll be sure to look you up!’

  I didn’t feel like returning to an empty Seashell Cottage. Instead, I wanted some time to think about my pregnancy and telling people about it. Maybe Clare was right and I should make an announcement. Daniel had a right to hear first, though, and it was the sort of news that warranted a face-to-face conversation. A difficult one. And I still didn’t feel ready to face it or to face him.

  Driving to Lighthouse Cove, I parked so I could look out to the calm sea and clear blue sky. I fished the scan photo out of my handbag. ‘Hi bean. I’m so relieved you’re okay.’ I ran my finger around the outline of his or her tiny body then propped up the image on the dashboard.

  I leapt as someone knocked on the passenger window about ten minutes later, then relaxe
d when I saw it was Stevie… well, relaxed as much as I could with my stomach doing somersaults at the sight of him. I hadn’t seen him since Sarah’s birthday meal and clearly my feelings hadn’t changed during that time.

  ‘I thought it was you,’ he said, poking his head through the window that I’d wound down. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Just thinking. You?’

  ‘I’ve been for a run. It’s a bit nippy, though.’ He shivered. ‘Don’t let that blue sky deceive you.’

  ‘Get in before you catch a chill.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He settled into the passenger seat as I pressed the button to close the window. ‘You said you were thinking. About anything in particular?’

  I couldn’t help myself. My eyes flicked to the scan photo on the dashboard. Stevie reached for the photo and studied it for a moment, nodding slowly. I held my breath, waiting for his reaction, heart thumping.

  ‘I guess this answers my question,’ he said, still looking at the scan. ‘And it would explain why you turned down both Michael and me.’

  I nodded. ‘It wouldn’t have been fair to get involved when I knew I was pregnant.’

  Stevie stared at the scan, a wistful expression on his face, then he gently placed it back on the dashboard.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said.

  He turned to me, looking surprised. ‘What for?’

  ‘For not telling you the truth at the time.’

  He smiled, but his dimples barely showed. ‘I know now. Do you want to talk about it?’

  I bit my lip and shrugged. ‘There isn’t much to say. I’m nearly thirteen weeks pregnant with Daniel’s baby. He doesn’t know yet. I don’t want anything from him, but I think he has a right to know. The only other people who know about it are Clare, Michael, Jem, and my Head and I’d like to keep it that way for now.’

  ‘I understand your Head would need to know, and Jem’s your counsellor, right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘So confiding in him makes sense, but Clare and Michael seem unlikely choices.’

  ‘Tell me about it. Clare guessed when we were out for Sarah’s birthday. Michael came to drop his dad’s camera off and overheard her. He kind of lost the plot with me.’

  ‘I knew you were upset that night,’ Stevie said. ‘That’s why, isn’t it? Clare said you’d exchanged words with Michael outside. It was about the baby, wasn’t it?’

  I nodded. ‘It wasn’t pretty.’

  Stevie glanced towards the scan again. ‘How come nobody else knows?’

  ‘Because my sister’s pregnant and my best friend’s getting married and I want them to enjoy their moments without me stealing their thunder with yet another unexpected turn of events. I think the gay husband was enough of a surprise without me announcing my pregnancy by a five-timing, friend-thumping, rebound-relationship cretin.’

  Stevie smiled and, this time, his dimples showed. ‘I take it there’s no chance of a reconciliation with Daniel, then?’

  ‘Gosh, no! Never in a million years. I always knew it wasn’t love but, after what he did to you, I wasn’t sure I even liked him. The… er… the deed was already done at that point.’

  ‘How do you think Daniel will react?’

  ‘Not well. I expect he’ll want me to end it and, when I refuse to do that, he’ll want nothing to do with the baby, which is absolutely fine by me, but a shame for the baby. I already feel bad that baby bean won’t have a father figure in his or her life.’ I sighed. ‘But I’ll try to do my best to make sure they don’t miss out. You won’t tell anyone, will you?’

  ‘Of course not. How are you feeling?’

  ‘The nausea has subsided a bit so that’s a relief. I’m a bit scared, but I’m also really excited. I know I may not look it right now, but that’s because I’m still a little shell-shocked at seeing baby bean for the first time. It’s starting to feel more real.’

  Stevie touched my hand and a shockwave passed through me, sending my pulse racing. ‘Congratulations. I know how much having a baby means to you.’

  ‘Thank you. It’s not exactly the way I’d have chosen to do it, but I don’t think anything that’s happened this year is the way I’d have chosen.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s been a tough year for you.’ We both stared out at the sea. ‘Unexpected events usually make us stronger, though. They test us and they help us know ourselves.’

  ‘Very profound, and very true.’

  We sat in silence, still staring out at the waves.

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’ Stevie said after a while. ‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.’

  ‘I’ll try to.’

  He turned in his seat to face me. ‘If you hadn’t found out about the baby, would you have considered… I mean, would I have stood any… erm… would you…?’

  My heart raced so fast, I felt like it might explode, as I held his gaze. ‘I would.’ Was he going to ask me out anyway, despite the baby? What would I say? I wanted to say yes, but it was hardly fair on him, was it?

  Stevie looked away and cleared his throat. ‘I think I’ve imposed on your thinking time for long enough, so I’ll head home and leave you to it. Your secret’s safe with me. Look after yourself.’ Then he exited Bertie and ran off down The Headland without a backwards glance.

  I leaned back in my seat and sighed as I watched Stevie disappear into the distance, my heart sinking, then I picked up the scan photo. ‘If it hadn’t been for you, baby bean, Stevie and I might be together. I think we know that Michael was just a crush, don’t we, and Stevie was always something a bit more special?’

  Oh well, it wasn’t going to happen now. He’d just proved that by running away. I suppose I had to give him credit for not running off immediately because he’d probably wanted to. ‘From now on, bean, it’s just you and me against the world.’ I looked at the waves again. ‘There’s always hope, though. One day, maybe…’

  I gently placed the scan in my bag then drove back to Seashell Cottage where I should have done some marking. Instead, I searched online for buggies, cots and Moses baskets. For the first time, I started to feel like a mum.

  When I lay down to sleep that evening, though, all I could think about was Stevie and the hopeful look in his eyes when he’d asked me if he’d stood a chance. Before he fled, that is.

  33

  An unexpected text came through the next morning while I was eating my breakfast:

  ✉︎ From Gary

  Solicitor just called to confirm that all’s good for completion tomorrow. The house is nearly empty but I found a couple more boxes of your stuff

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Gary

  Thought I’d got all my stuff. What’s in them? Can I come round to collect them tonight?

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Gary

  I can drop them off if you want. I’m not going to tell you what’s in them, but I think you’ll be excited

  * * *

  ✉︎ To Gary

  That’s mean! I’m going to be thinking about this all day now! Kay has a friend coming round tonight, so it would be easier to meet you at the house. Any time that suits you

  * * *

  ✉︎ From Gary

  See you there at 6.30pm. Happy thinking!

  I put my phone down on the dining table and tried to resume my marking, but Gary had me intrigued. I’d be excited? What could he possibly have found that would make me excited?

  I picked up a year ten English literature assignment and tried hard to focus on that instead of speculating on what Gary might have found. Unfortunately the assignment was a critique of Romeo and Juliet. A relationship that could never be, eh? Just like Stevie and me. I sat forwards in my chair with my head in my hands, and sighed.

  I felt ridiculously nervous as I pulled onto the drive and parked Bertie next to Gary’s car. I glanced across at the big red ‘SOLD’ panel across the ‘For Sale’ board, which still seemed so out of place outside my former home.

  The front door opened
before I had a chance to ring the bell. ‘I can’t wait to see your expression when you see what I’ve found.’ His grin was huge and his excitement was infectious.

  ‘I nearly didn’t get any work done today, thanks to your little teasers.’ My voice echoed in the hall – a clear indication of an empty property. I didn’t like the sensation.

  ‘Come through to the kitchen.’

  ‘You look tired,’ I said. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I haven’t had much sleep recently, but I’m fine. Come on. I’m desperate for you to see this.’

  I followed Gary down the hall and he stopped outside the kitchen door. ‘Close your eyes.’

  ‘Gary!’

  ‘Humour me.’

  I sighed but smiled and did as I was told. He took my hands and led me into the kitchen.

  ‘No peeping.’

  ‘They’re closed.’

  ‘Before you open them, did you guess what I might have found?’

  ‘No. And I had to stop thinking about it because I wasn’t getting any work done.’

  Gary laughed. ‘Sorry. I wasn’t trying to put you off. Open your eyes.’

  I opened them then gasped and clutched my hand to my chest. ‘Is that…?’

  He grinned. ‘Open it and see.’

  I took a step closer to the turquoise plastic crate in the middle of the island and lifted the lid off. Nestling inside was a pile of coloured exercise books and loose sheets of paper.

  I lifted out a light blue book. ‘Ashlea the Unicorn Whisperer,’ I read off the front cover, then shook my head as my eyes skimmed over page after page of my neat teenaged handwriting. I reached for a few more books then turned to Gary. ‘I don’t understand. Mother said she’d burned these. Where did you find them?’