Lisa Lutz Spellman Series E-Book Box Set: The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans, The Spellmans Strike Again

by Lutz, Lisa

  Bad habits: Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other people’s conversations.

  Rae Spellman

  Age: 161/2

  Occupation: Junior in high school/assistant private investigator

  Physical characteristics: Petite like her mother, appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy blond hair, freckles, tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

  History: Blackmail, coercion, junk food obsession, bribery.

  Bad habits: Too many to list.

  David Spellman

  Age: 34

  Occupation: Lawyer

  Physical characteristics: Tall, dark, and handsome.

  History: Honors student, class valedictorian, Berkeley undergrad, Stanford Law. You know the sort.

  Bad habits: Makes his bed every morning, excessively fashionable, wears pricey cologne, drinks moderately, reads a lot, keeps up on current events, exercises.

  Henry Stone

  Age: 45

  Occupation: San Francisco Police Inspector

  History: Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing-person case three years ago. Before that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying woman, and did a lot of tidying up.

  Bad habits: Doesn’t eat candy; keeps a clean home.

  Mort Schilling

  Age: 84

  Occupation: Semiretired defense attorney

  Physical characteristics: Short with scrawny legs and small gut, enormous Coke-bottle glasses, not much hair.

  History: Worked as a defense attorney for forty years. Married to Ruth for almost sixty years.

  Bad habits: Sucks his teeth; talks too loud; stubborn.

  Bernie Peterson

  Age: Old

  Occupation: Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, annoying sublet tenants

  Physical characteristics: A giant mass of a human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

  History: Was a cop in San Francisco, retired, married an ex-showgirl, moved to Las Vegas, moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him, reconciled with her, moved back to Las Vegas.

  Bad habits: Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has them all.

  And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me:

  Isabel Spellman

  Age: 31

  Occupation: Private investigator/sometime bartender

  Physical characteristics: Tall; not skinny, not fat; long brown hair; nose; lips; eyes; ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. I look okay, let’s leave it at that.

  History: Recovering delinquent; been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.

  Bad habits: None that I can recall.

  Surefire Ways to Kill Time in Therapy

  Start with small talk. Mention the weather or traffic, or comment on the office décor.

  Think long and hard before you answer any questions. Make sure you look pensive during the silence.

  Ask therapist personal questions.

  “I see you’re reading [insert name of random book on bookshelf]. How is it? Is it good?”

  Arrange for someone else to knock on the door and then make a run for it. (Never tried it myself, but I’m sure it would work.)

  Transcript of Petra’s Visit to Harkey’s Office

  PETRA: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.

  HARKEY: It’s part of the job.

  PETRA: I assume you’ve had your office debugged.

  HARKEY: Of course.

  PETRA: Today?

  HARKEY: I personally debug my office every morning.1

  PETRA: You can never be too careful.

  HARKEY: I agree.

  PETRA: I like to debug twice a day, but I understand that you have a busy schedule.

  HARKEY: What can I do for you, Ms. Shvelde—

  PETRA: Call me Agatha.

  HARKEY: Agatha?

  PETRA: Yes.

  HARKEY: You don’t look like an Agatha.

  PETRA: That’s because I’m not one. I just want to be called that to throw them off the scent.

  HARKEY: I see. What exactly can I do for you, um, Agatha?

  PETRA: I’d like you to find my husband.

  HARKEY: When did you see him last?

  PETRA: About a year ago.

  HARKEY: Have you contacted the police?

  PETRA: They can’t help me.

  HARKEY: Do you suspect foul play?

  PETRA: Oh yes.

  HARKEY: What do you think happened to your husband?

  PETRA: He was taken by them.

  HARKEY: Who?

  PETRA: You know.

  HARKEY: I’m afraid I don’t.

  PETRA: [mumbling] The aliens.

  HARKEY: What kind of aliens?

  PETRA: I’m afraid I don’t have enough knowledge about extraterrestrial life forms to narrow them down to a particular species or culture. Frankly, I don’t know how they think of themselves. I know you debugged the office, but in case they’re listening, I don’t want to offend any of them by using a derogatory term.

  [Long, long pause.]

  HARKEY: So, you’re talking about aliens from outer space, right?

  PETRA: What other kind of alien is there?

  HARKEY: Illegal aliens.

  PETRA: Why would someone from another country want my husband? That doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t have any special skills.

  HARKEY: So you believe your husband was abducted by aliens.

  PETRA: You’re kind of slow for a PI. Are you sure you found your calling?

  HARKEY: I’ve handled my share of alien abductions, but I have to be honest, it’s an expensive operation. It requires special equipment and I can only assign this work to my seasoned investigators.

  PETRA: How much money are we talking about?

  HARKEY: Around five hundred dollars a day.

  PETRA: Would you take fifty?

  HARKEY: Fifty dollars?

  PETRA: Yes.

  HARKEY: A day or an hour?

  PETRA: It’s just a little alien abduction case.

  HARKEY: I’m afraid I can’t help you.

  PETRA: I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you validate?

  Theories on Why David Got Fired (Hypothetically Speaking)

  Interoffice romance

  Money laundering

  Abusing Free-Bagel Friday

  Not showing up at all

  Too much swooning by the support staff

  A Brief Explanation of the Spellmans’ Misuse of the Word “Disappearance”

  A few years ago, Rae vanished herself in a misguided attempt to reunite the family. She was fourteen at the time and her absence seemed unlikely to have anything but a tragic outcome. Needless to say, it took the family some time to recover from the incident. Rae, in an attempt to rewrite history, would refer to that time as her “vacation.” My parents, in retaliation, swapped the word “disappearance” for “vacation” so that Rae wouldn’t forget.

  Regrettable Meals à la Rae

  Chef Boyardee on Toast (canned ravioli on white bread)

  Tater Tots Casserole (tater tots, Velveeta, and hamburger meat)

  Peanut Butter/Pop Tart Sandwich (exactly what it sounds like)

  Chili in the Bag2 (canned chili poured into a Fritos bag)

  Marshmallow Surprise (marshmallow fluff and Nutella on Wonder Bread)

  “Fruit” Salad (fruit cocktail and vanilla pudding served in an ice cream cone)

  Magic Punch Recipe

  1 part vodka

  2 parts limeade

  1 part sparkling water

  4 packets LifeSavers3

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  As usual, I am very grateful to everyone at Simon & Schuster for their continued support of the Spellman books. I must first thank my brilliant, funny, and patient editrix, Marysue Rucci. A mass
ive thank-you to Carolyn Reidy. David Rosenthal, thanks for not heckling me at my reading. I would also thank you for dinner, but Marysue paid, yet again. Also at S&S, Aileen Boyle, Deb Darrock, Michael Selleck, Victoria Meyer, Leah Wasielewski, Jackie Seow, and Dana Sloan. You all have been way too good to me. Thanks to my hardworking publicists, Kelly Welsh and Nicole De Jackmo; my genius production editor, Jonathan Evans; and Marysue’s new and fabulous assistant, Sophie Epstein. If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me. These acknowledgment pages are due today (well, last week) and I’m writing in a rush.

  Equally important is my incredible agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I am also extremely fortunate to have the wonderful people at the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency on my side: Daniel Greenberg, Jim Levine, Elizabeth Fisher, Melissa Rowland, Monika Verma, Miek Coccia (still pronounced “Mike”), Sasha Raskin, and Lindsay Edgecombe. Thank you.

  I would also like to thank all the booksellers I’ve met on the road for their hospitality and generosity, and to apologize if I happened to have stolen one of their pens. Please know that it was probably the only thing I stole. I would also like to thank the media escorts who took care of me when I was sleep-deprived, cranky, and suffering from a particularly unattractive head cold.

  Since I’m talking about being on the road, I’d like to thank all the actors who helped me with my readings and all the regulars who show up again and again, even though no one is paying them. I’d especially like to mention the Rucci clan, who once again came out to show their support—Debbie and Joe Rucci, and, of course, my actor Ted (if I can book you now for next year, that would be great!). Virginia “Ginny” Smith, thanks again. A giant thanks to my San Francisco regular, Steve Kim. You never let me down. Also, Anastasia Fuller, Eric Etebari, Dave and Cyndi Klane, Hayley Dox, Craig Fox, and [insert your name here if I’ve forgotten you].

  Now let me thank my family. Okay, I’d say stop reading here if you don’t know me. Seriously:

  My mother, Sharlene Lauretz, thanks for all the support and free book promotion you’ve done on my behalf. Also, thanks to my mom and my aunt Beverly Fienberg for that terrific party you threw. I’ve decided not to thank uncle Mark Fienberg.1 (Should a very tall CPA in Beverly Hills ever ask you to house-sit for a chocolate lab and a golden retriever, named Bebe and Xena, respectively, under no circumstances should you say yes.)

  More family to thank: Anastasia Fuller (again) and Jay Fienberg for their fabulous work on my website,2 reading early drafts (in Hawaii, no less), and offering expert advice on brutal computer geeks (thanks, Jay). I depend on you both for way too much. Dan Fienberg, my cousin and my financial advisor,3 thank you. According to the terms of the deal, I mention him in the acknowledgments if he reads my book before the next one is finished.4 Once again, thanks to Uncle Jeff and Aunt Eve Golden—these books would never have existed without your generosity.

  I’d like to thank Morgan Dox5 for all her help along the way and give another shout-out to the rest of the Dox-Kims, the aforementioned Steve, and, of course, Rae Dox Kim. Thanks to Dave Hayward, employee of the month and captain of the Spellman Enterprises softball team.6 Also, Gretchen Rice for all her research and assistance, and my friends from Desvernine Associates, who continue to show their support and welcome me with hugs, crazy stories, and valuable information—Des, Pamela, Pierre Merkl, Debra Meisner, Yvonne Prentiss, and not Mike. A few more thank-yous to the people who helped the book take form, or at least helped me survive the process: Julie Ulmer, Frank Marquardt, Stephanie Dennis, Peter Kim, Carol Young, Lisa Chen, Warren Liu, and Mayumi Takada. Thanks to Dr. Linda Lagemann for showing me that therapists can be funny, too. And to my French friend, Charlie: S’il vous plaît prendre vos vitamines. Chacun d’entre eux.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  LISA LUTZ is the author of the national bestsellers The Spellman Files and Curse of the Spellmans. Although she attended UC Santa Cruz, UC Irvine, the University of Leeds in England, and San Francisco State University, she still does not have a bachelor’s degree. Lisa spent most of the 1990s hopping through a string of low-paying odd jobs while writing and rewriting the screenplay Plan B, a mob comedy. After the film was made in 2000, she vowed she would never write another screenplay. A motion picture adaptation of The Spellman Files is in development with Paramount Pictures. For more information, go to lisalutz.com.

  1Dr. Sophia Rush—Therapist #2.

  2 Dr. Ira Schwartzman—Therapist #1.

  3 I’ve found the long pause an excellent way to pass time in therapy. Until this session, I thought it had gone unnoticed.

  4 For other surefire ways to kill time in therapy, see appendix.

  5San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.

  1 For an incomplete dossier on Dad, see appendix.

  2 Mom hired a recent graduate from the American Conservatory Theater and armed him with a tape recorder and a list of questions to casually integrate into the conversation. For example: 1) Have you ever been in therapy? 2) Is it helping you? 3) Do you plan on being a bartender forever? 4) Are you seeing anyone right now? 5) How many tattoos does he have?

  3 Not true. I’ve done all sorts of other things, like go to movies, take strolls in the park, drink coffee, drink other stuff, eat food, sleep, etc.

  4 That was an accident and he knows it.

  5 These kinds of questions one should never answer. So I didn’t.

  6 He’s laying it on thick now, working the guilt angle.

  7 Finger quotes.

  8 Old in the literal sense. He’s eighty-four.

  9 Mortimer Schilling, retired defense attorney. For more information, see appendix.

  10 A San Francisco landmark. Easy to locate. Serves a mean black and white milkshake.

  11 Once again, if you’ve failed to read the previous two documents—The Spellman Files and Curse of the Spellmans (both available in paperback!)—and you need further background information, see appendix.

  12 Henry’s diet veers toward extreme health consciousness. If you want any food with flavor in his house, you really must bring your own supplies.

  13 For David’s dossier, see appendix.

  14 Indeed I do.

  15 Namely, the good stuff.

  16 Olivia Spellman. For brief dossier, see appendix.

  17 Um, yes!

  18 See appendix.

  19 Namely, the PI and bartender lines.

  1 This might surprise you, but I’d grown quite comfortable with these extended silences in Dr. Ira’s office. A fifty-minute session is a fifty-minute session. There’s no wiggle room. Long silences kill time. Silence means less work. This I have learned.

  1 Curse of the Spellmans—now available in paperback!

  2 My dad’s actual word choice.

  3 I intend nothing derogatory by using the word “shrink”; it’s just faster to type than the alternatives.

  1 The first few times are extremely awkward. Ride it out. It gets easier.

  1 Even though I’m a firm believer in not mixing booze.

  2 Details to follow.

  1 This was in fact my first case as an independent contractor.

  2 Linda was scheduled to leave at 11:15.

  3 Mom always takes the prescription but never the pills, in some sort of sick test of her pain threshold. I’ve been meaning to mention this to Ex-boyfriend #9, Dr. Daniel Castillo, DDS.

  4 A porcelain garden frog given to David by our eccentric Grammy Spellman.

  1 In English this means “Moishe’s belly button.” Appetizing, huh?

  1 David doesn’t make a habit of drinking coffee out of a can, but he keeps several units on hand in case of a natural disaster.

  2 Literally—my name is taped to the label. David keeps the bottle around specifically for me.

  3 No. No one knows how she got the password.

  4 I believe Henry was referring to a few of the individuals on my list of ex-boyfriends (see previous two documents for details, if
you’re curious).

  1Don’t get me started.

  2 There is indeed a file on each of the Spellman children. I wish I could say that these resemble scrapbooks, but they’re really more like official dossiers—think fingerprints, not finger paintings.

  1 “He was soooo guilty,” according to Maggie. Not that she didn’t wage an excellent defense.

  2 Yes, I asked. Apparently, Henry no longer allows marshmallows in his home since they are one of the primary ingredients in a few of Rae’s favorite and messiest recipes.

  1 The hiding place where Maggie discovered the Halloween candy.

  2 Ashleigh used to be Rae’s only other friend besides Henry, but in the last year her social network has greatly expanded.

  1 I was giving him a special deal. Don’t think I’d charge you the same.

  2 I agree, not terribly clever.

  3 Consider it mentioned.

  1For recipe, see appendix.

  2 Lie.

  3 Daniel’s neurosurgeon wife.

  4 End of Court-Ordered Therapy.

  1 Specifically, teeth-sucking.

  2 In case you were curious, rule #2: no deli meats in the car.

  3 Morty just wanted a chance to try out PI lingo. He was not actually concerned.

  1 Henry refuses to keep overly processed grains in his home. Refined wheat flour (aka, regular old white flour enriched with vitamins) he claims is evil. I still can’t tell you what it ever did to him.

  2 Minus Trail of the Pink Panther and all the loosely connected films not starring Peter Sellers.

  3For every hour of television watched, Henry makes Rae read for an hour. He has been known to enforce this rule on adults as well.

  4Spelled “Cato” in subsequent films; no explanation.

  1 She pronounces them “Psssats.”

  1 For your own free online ordination, visit www.themonastery.org.

  1 His bed is way better than the one in the guest room.

  1 His lucky shirt. Which she then held for ransom.

  2 Okay, so she was doing it to help the vice squad, but no one asked her to.

  1 I would need to return it to its appropriate place once I made a copy.

  1 Curse of the Spellmans—now available in paperback!

  2 Don’t worry, the secret apartment was equipped with a coffeemaker. Oh, but I need filters. Thanks for reminding me.