Lisa Lutz Spellman Series E-Book Box Set: The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans, The Spellmans Strike Again
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3 White Night. An all-night festival in Rome, the second Saturday of September, just before David’s visit.
4 Labor strikes are a fact of life in Italy. There are more strikes in Italy than in any other country. It’s good to check before you travel.
5 Celebrated on September 12 in Verona.
6 He had something, but not jet lag.
1 The phone was on vibrate, don’t worry.
1 One of Rae’s PSAT words. I helped her study.
1 At this point in the game, I didn’t find the pause in any way awkward.
1 It seriously has no name.
1 If I were Maggie, here’s how I’d see it: He’s doing the cleaning and I’m not. Who cares about motivation?
2 Note to self: Mention this credit to your character in therapy.
1 He doesn’t know. That’s what I was counting on.
1 Translation: Can we speak freely? (pig Latin).
2 Sliced fruit. Rae would argue: not dessert.
1 There are two job interviews I mentioned here and then my meeting at a temp agency, which is more like a medical intake than a job interview.
2One of our neighbors at the time kept getting our name wrong. David and I started calling our mom and dad Mr. and Mrs. Melman when we were in the mood to annoy.
3I am well aware that this is an incredibly old joke.
1 I tend to be extra sensitive when I’m tired.
1 In my defense, I don’t usually cry when I discover there’s no coffee. Well, only once before.
2 This was a guess. But the missing camping gear made it an educated one.
3 Mid-life freak-out. But David used the term “existential crisis” instead. Tomato/tomato.
1 So far my record in David’s place.
1 Not his real name.
2 Rae has left a distinctive pattern of blackmail in her wake. See original document, The Spellman Files, for details.
1 See, I am evolving. These drugs are legal.
1 Right here I decided to change the subject. I trusted doctor-patient confidentiality, but I didn’t trust the doctor to keep her opinion about the new living arrangement to herself.
2 Actually, it’s not so long. During the three-month stretch at the age of twelve when I was forced to take ballet, I committed a series of pranks in which I took great pride. My crowning achievement, and the cause for my expulsion, was when I mopped the studio floor with vegetable oil right before class.
3 Had a nice twenty-minute nap.
1 Petra is the only person who refuses to identify herself in voice mail messages.
2 Milo calling.
3 I refused to give Connor the satisfaction of ordering it by name, so I said, “Pour me a cup of coffee and put some whiskey in it.”
4 I couldn’t help thinking he meant “gorgeous” ironically.
5 The implication that the communication rift extended beyond my sister was intriguing.
1 Bravo, Petra. Bravo. For a partial transcript of their conversation, see appendix.
2 Wouldn’t it be simpler to call the restaurant directly?
1 Note to self: Do not refer to it as “our residence” in David’s company.
2 See appendix.
1 Yes, a lie.
2 If you’ve read the second document ( Curse of the Spellmans—now available in paperback!), maybe you’re thinking that I can’t really vouch for her. But my theory is this: David made Petra feel too much like a grown-up. Gabe will always live in a state of boyishness. Petra, too, needs to pretend she can stay young forever. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
1 In the Spellman household, “disappearance” means “vacation.” It can also be used in its usual sense. (For full explanation, see appendix.)
1 I will have you know that I did not once mock his use of the modern matchmaker.
2 Of course, it could be that self-involved thing at work again.
1 I always wait until at least noon.
1 Ernie was cooking dinner that night. Tuna casserole. He got the recipe from a women’s magazine that he picked up at the doctor’s office.
2 Not a president, Ernie.
3 Diabolique (1996), starring Sharon Stone and Isabelle Adjani. A remake, of course.
4 Which remained purely a “cheating incident” in the eyes of her unmoved guidance counselor.
5 If I had a dime for every time that banana incident was mentioned to me…
1 For a list of Rae’s past culinary experiments, see appendix.
2 It’s basically a bunch of outtakes from previous films, but it’s the last Pink Panther film starring Peter Sellers.
3 Sometimes it’s best not to ask. So I didn’t.
1 Yes, I really did think she’d let one week slide. Some people are very inflexible.
2 No, not the actual license plate.
3Yeah, I used finger quotes.
4 We should probably update this phrase. I vote for: “Sorry, it won’t happen again.”
1 Of course, I argued the mathematical impossibility of that statement.
2 The ex-cop kind.
3 Note to self: Consider getting a hobby…or your own apartment.
4 I remember burying his wand in a flower box, hoping that would end the nightly performances. I sadly discovered that a chopstick works just as well.
5 I found it at a garage sale. It had a giant backgammon board beneath the glass.
6 I’m soooo going to mention this in therapy.
7 “Why don’t you buy a new one?”
8 Bad news for me. I would have to be on constant guard.
9 Here’s what you need to know about Grammy Spellman: She and my Dad barely speak. But she’s pretty good at sending a birthday card and a check to her grandchildren. She’s the kind of grammy who would open a brokerage account for her granddaughter and keep it from her son.
10 About three years ago, we learned that David had been giving Rae at least twenty dollars a week for no reason at all, other than to stay in her good graces.
11 Please, no letters from the Jack Daniel’s corporation!
1 A high-end but casual restaurant in the Mission named in honor of the quasi-official utensil of the Kentucky Fried Chicken that used to reside in its place.
2 During the time it took Morty to make the life-changing decision of what to have for lunch, I read the menu from top to bottom—three times—and learned that Spork recycles their cooking oil as diesel fuel.
3Yes, he actually wrote out “hoo-ha.”
1 Twizzlers.
2 Milo took over the rent-controlled apartment that I took over from Bernie, after Bernie took it over from me—but changed his mind. See previous document, Curse of the Spellmans (now available in paperback!), for details.
1 I paid for his ticket, since it was my blackmail.
2 See, I was learning something.
3 (1953.) Yes, that’s really what it is. Rauschenberg erased de Kooning’s drawing. The museum guard explained it to me. That’s the kind of art I can get behind.
1 If you’ve found something that works, why quit?
1 A website dedicated to uniting people with their painful past.
2 Could it be there were 610 fairydusts before her?
3 Just that one time, but it seemed worth mentioning. I wonder what Jake Hand is up to these days.
4 Including all twelve Dr. Ira sessions.
5 David was, in fact, referring to the 1960s’ original boy band. His disdain for this group is both legend and incredibly tiresome.
6 I went to her MySpace page hoping for some explanation for her name, Lavae. Apparently, her father named her after an ex-girlfriend, only the ex-girlfriend’s name was Ravae. Thanks, that clears things up.
7 I should admit that I learned the word while Henry was quizzing Rae for her PSATs six months ago.
1 The 1944 film, starring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, and, most importantly, Joseph Cotten, in which a husband drives hi
s wife mad by altering her environment.
2 Yes, there are bylaws.
1 You’ll soon learn why.
2 These aren’t instructions. Don’t, like, try this at home. That would really annoy me.
1 A legal term, basically saying that the defendant (Rae) deprived the plaintiff (me) of the use of my property. Punishable at the very least with compensatory measures.
1 David informed his clients of this fact, but to keep the news quiet from his family, David had the main receptionist tell callers that he was out.
1 For years I’d encouraged Petra to lose the wig collection—I think it sends a bad message to customers. I’ve quieted on this matter since discovering I can make some use of the collection.
2 Spellmans do, of course. After my first surveillance, at age twelve, I generally assumed it was possible I was being followed.
3 Of all the activities she could pursue on a whim, this had to be among the least perilous for everyone concerned.
4 Sorry, I’ve actually lost my long-term count. But it’s only the second one of the day, if that clears anything up for you.
1 Translation: randomly swapping them around.
1 See previous document, Curse of the Spellmans—now available in paperback!
1Not something I make a habit of.
2 Remember, the political consultant who tried to bribe me?
1 I would later learn that it was.
2 Yes, I was aware that I couldn’t make such a promise.
1 Actually, not true.
2 Apparently a Texan delicacy and not Rae’s original recipe, as she had claimed.
3 If it’s a holiday party, use only red and green.
1 I think you know why.
2 Also Jason Fuller!
3 Now located in Santa Monica, not Beverly Hills (sheesh, I’m going to start charging for ad space, Dan).
4 This usually involves a half-hour conversation in which he retells the story in his own words to prove that he’s read it. It’s quite amusing and an excellent refresher.
5 The mastermind behind Rae’s unfortunate recipes.
6 No, there’s no team. But I’m not entirely opposed to the idea.
Praise for The Spellmans Strike Again
“Lie back and enjoy this tale of intergenerational gumshoe mayhem.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Izzy’s biting wit—mixed with a refreshing dose of humility and sadness—easily carries the story … entertaining.”
—Publishers Weekly
“There are so many highlights, and so many indescribable characters, the reality is that no review can do the series justice. … It’s always a great day when a new Spellman case arrives.”
—Deadly Pleasures
“[Lutz] delivers another engaging blend of wisecracks and crime-solving.”
—Booklist
“Side-splitting series.”
—Library Journal
“Fans will not be disappointed. … A light comedic romp, perfect for the beach.”
—Ottawa Citizen
“This last installment of the Spellmans is of that fantastic crossover genre combining chick lit with crime fiction: novels that have both fast plots and interesting characters.”
—Canberra Times (Australia)
“Fans of comic mystery who haven’t already discovered the Spellman family series are going to want to read this book and then rush out for the other three. … If you like Janet Evanovich, you are going to love the Spellmans.”
—The Globe and Mail
“Funny, troubling, and addictive. … There is no way to describe what happens here, but finding out is a lot of fun.”
—Contra Costa Times
“The real fun and the reason these books have sold so well while acquiring a cult following is the personality of Isabel. … Fans will be happy with this new Spellmans book.”
—The Baton Rouge Advocate
“This is hands-down the most hilarious, thrilling, and moving book in this best-selling series.”
—The Oklahoman
“I think that nearly everyone thinks their families are weird, quirky, or slightly insane. But the Spellmans, a family of private investigators in San Francisco, have to top the list of the most outlandish, most creative, most insane family to grace the written page. … Lutz once again does a masterful job of keeping the action light and humorous.”
—Wichita Falls Times Record News (TX)
Praise for Revenge of the Spellmans
“Izzy is off for another wild ride in Lisa Lutz’s third madcap private-investigator novel. … Izzy’s life … is so well documented—and she is such an endearing mess—that we want to find the evidence supporting her.”
—Clea Simon, San Francisco Chronicle
“Amazingly, it all makes sense in the end, and Isabel and her quirky family are such good company that you won’t mind even when it doesn’t.”
—People magazine (three stars out of four)
“San Francisco PI Isabel ‘Izzy’ Spellman endures court-ordered therapy sessions as well as blackmail in Lutz’s wacky crime novel, the third entry in a series that keeps getting better and better.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)
Praise for Curse of the Spellmans
“This is one of the best comic novels I’ve ever read, and that includes Carl Hiaasen and Janet Evanovich. The Spellmans—a collection of misfits whose family business is a private detective agency—are hilarious, smart and irresistible.”
—The Globe and Mail
“Fans of The Spellman Files will laugh just as loudly at the comic antics chronicled in this sparkling sequel.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred)
“The snappy, honest narration by Get Smart–obsessed Izzy keeps things popping, with its mix of trade talk and brutal honesty.”
—Kirkus Reviews
Praise for The Spellman Files
“Move over, Carl Hiaasen. … The Spellman Files starts out funny and does not let up … Simply put, this tale of the Spellman family is irresistible, and you hate to see the romp end.”
—St. Louis Post-Dispatch
“[Isabel Spellman is] the love child of Dirty Harry and Harriet the Spy. … It’s not the mystery of how these cases ultimately resolve that will pull readers through, but the whip-smart sass of the story’s heroine, ace detective of her own heart.”
—People
“Hilarious. My enjoyment of The Spellman Files was only slightly undercut by my irritation that I hadn’t written it myself. The funniest book I’ve read in years!”
—Lauren Weisberger, author of The Devil Wears Prada and Chasing Harry Winston
ALSO BY LISA LUTZ
Revenge of the Spellmans
Curse of the Spellmans
The Spellman Files
SIMON & SCHUSTER
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and
incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or
are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or
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Copyright © 2010 by Spellman Enterprises, Inc.
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First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition March 2011
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Manufactured in the United States of America
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The Library of Congress has catalogedthe hardcover edition as follows
Lutz, Lisa.
The Spellmans strike again : a novel / Lisa Lutz.
—1st Simon & Schuster hardcover ed.
cm.
1. Private investigators—Fiction. 2. San Francisco (Calif.)—Fiction.
3. Domestic Fiction. I. Title.
PS3612.U897S69 2010
813’ .6—dc22
2009038267
ISBN 978-1-4165-9340-9
ISBN 978-1-4165-9341-6 (pbk)
ISBN 978-1-4516-5936-8 (ebook)
To all my friends from Desvernine Associates:
Des, Pamela, Pierre, Yvonne, Debra,
and Gretchen. But not Mike.
THE SPELLMANS
STRIKE AGAIN
CONTENTS
Prologue
Part I: Case Work
Family Camping Trip #2
Rule #22
Unhappy Hour
A Gentleman’s Gentleman
Phone Call From the Edge #17
Undercover Butler
Ex Boyfriend #12
Rae’s Obsession
The Trouble With Henry
Rule #26
Stakeout #1
Mandatory Lawyer Date #1
David’S New Friend My New Client
Phone Call From the Edge #18
Free Schmidt
The Snowball Effect
Rule #28—Mandatory Sunday Night Family Dinners
Undercover Butler #2
Stakeout #2
Mandatory Lawyer Date #2
The Butler Did Something
“Quality Time”
Rule #31—Vacate Residence Every Wednesday
Part II: Appeals
The Big Blonde
The Engle Problem
Reefer Madness
Lost Wednesday #1
Wake Up Call
Mandatory Lawyer Date #3
Phone Call From the Edge #20
The Return of Sunday Night Dinner
Trouble Brewing
Rule #40—Learn Some Manners
Son of Sunday Night Dinner
Trash Duty
The Dialect Wars
More Detective Work
MY FIRST HOLDUP
Lost Wednesday the Third