Beloved Destiny

by carol fears

  Joshua told his mother that he wanted to make over the bedroom adjacent to the one which had been redecorated for their honeymoon. He told his mother that Carina was delicate and slept poorly, so much so that he feared for her health if he were to disturb her rest. His mother smiled at her charming and thoughtful son, thinking what a lucky woman Carina was to have such a man for a husband. An adjoining door was already between the two rooms so that the groom could enter his bride's room discreetly. The workmen began renovating Joshua's room the next week. It was a much more masculine space than Carina's, with red silk walls, black and red plaid window coverings. A large dark mahogany bed with a gold coverlet was the center of attention. Hunting scenes filled the walls and brass lamps sat on the tables. Joshua was delighted with his new room and slept there every night.

  Carina had too much time to think during the long winter days. There were not so many activities to occupy her mind, and her thoughts frequently became morbid. Her appetite was poor and she became pale and wan. Mother Prewitt noticed the change, but she jumped to the wrong conclusion regarding the cause of Carina's malaise. One morning while they were alone in the dining room, discussing the evening's menu, Mother Prewitt began gently questioning Carina regarding her health.

  "Tell me, my dear, do you wake up in the morning with a queasy feeling? If so, just remember to leave a bit of crystallized ginger root on a dish at your bedside and nibble it before you set your foot out of bed. I remember when I carried Joshua; I could hardly eat for several months. But after that, I felt quite well and hearty."

  "Thank you, Mother Prewitt; you are so kind to me. But no, I feel quite well in the morning, not queasy at all. I just seem to have no appetite. Perhaps it is the inactivity of the winter season." Carina was touched at the older woman's compassion. It was such a shame that her wishes were unlikely to be fulfilled regarding Carina and childbearing.

  "Well, then we need to have a party! There's nothing like kicking up your heels and dancing to a good reel to put the color in your cheeks. I'll make out the invitations tomorrow. We shall have everyone here in a fortnight's time. I'll put the kitchen staff to baking. They can make some delicate candies and cakes. We can have a haunch of venison if the men can bring it in. We'll have a huge log in the old fireplace. The house will be cleaned and polished and everything will be so festive." Mother Prewitt grew animated as she imagined the fun to be had.

  "That would be lovely, but please you needn't go to any trouble on my account. I am fine and I expect that when spring comes and Pomme and I can get out of doors, I will get more color in my cheeks."

  "Now, don't try to talk me out of it. We are going to have a lovely party. I believe that is just what all of us need to chase away the winter doldrums." Mrs. Prewitt went out into the hall and toward the kitchen humming a little tune.

  Carina longed for someone to talk to. She was embroiled in a situation which she did not understand and with which she had no ability to cope. The disgrace of leaving the home of her husband would be unimaginable. Her parents would not take her in. Divorce was a scandalous thing, even in the direst of circumstances. She had no power as a woman and although she had brought a handsome dowry to the marriage, her husband managed her wealth along with his. She would never see a penny without his permission. And he could, as he had threatened, have her locked up or lock her up himself if he wished. He would just have to pretend that it was for her own good. It wouldn't be so hard for him to convince everyone that her delicate constitution masked insanity if he turned things in just the right way. No matter how hard she wished things were different, she did not have the power to change her circumstances.

  One sunny afternoon a few days later, it was warm enough for Carina to saddle Pomme to go out for a ride. She returned to the house feeling much lighter in spirit, even finding herself looking forward to the party planned for the next week. She found herself hoping some handsome stranger would ask her for a dance and perhaps compliment her on her gown, her hair, or some other attribute. She was nineteen years old, and a vibrant young woman. Surely she was too young, she thought, to be trapped in a loveless marriage. The idea brought tears to her eyes. She wiped the tears away angrily. Don't stand here like a helpless babe crying and feeling sorry for yourself. Things may change someday. Perhaps Joshua would learn to love her in time. She certainly didn't believe that, especially since the only time they spoke to each other was in company of others. He kept his distance from her. Thankfully he didn't seem to want to curb her freedom. He even allowed her to ride out by herself. She had taken the surrey for a long drive last week.

  The party was an absolute success. Winter was always an ideal time for social gatherings. Work at the plantations was slow; the harvesting done. Winter crops were in the ground and needed little attention. Natchez society turned out in full gala costume at every opportunity. Mother Prewitt had outdone herself planning this event. The food was deliciously prepared by her kitchen staff, the more complex dishes prepared by Annabelle, the Prewitt's cook, and she garnered multiple compliments on each dish. The house was shining, polished and readied by the maidservants, under the watchful eye of Gertie, the housekeeper.

  Carina dressed carefully for this event, hoping that Joshua would be pleased that she looked beautiful. She knew that he wanted to show her off, making the other gentlemen envious of his good fortune. If only they knew, she thought bitterly. Still, she and Delia dressed her bountiful red tresses in the French fashion, adorning her curls with the bird ornament, which was her favorite hair jewel. She wore a gown with plunging neckline and puffed sleeves made of dark green silk. The emerald necklace which Joshua had given her set off the costume to perfection. Joshua came to escort her down the staircase, and gave her an appreciative look. "You look absolutely ravishing, my dear." He made a little bow and offered her his arm.

  "Thank you, Joshua; I am glad that I meet with your approval." Carina took his arm and they started out into the hall. They paused at the top of the staircase to look at the party guests down below.

  The ladies of Natchez had turned out in elegant finery. Satins and silks, brocades and velvets clothed each of them in the fashions of the decade. Although the halls were brilliantly lit with candles reflecting off of crystal chandeliers, the colorful gowns gave the impression of a jewel box laid open for their eyes. The young couple started down the staircase as many of the guests turned to admire the two handsome young people.

  Joshua claimed the first dance with Carina, doing his usual workmanlike tribute to the dance. For him the movements were more chore than pleasure, Carina thought. He didn't feel the sheer ecstasy of moving through space with beautiful music setting the tempo. After their dance ended, Joshua bowed and said he would dance with some of the other ladies out of politeness. Two young men approached Carina at the same time, begging for a dance. Carina laughed and said that they must take their turn. She relished being whirled about in the arms of handsome young men; men who were attentive to her every word and looked at her in a way that left no doubt they appreciated her great beauty. For the first time since she arrived at Easton Hall, Carina felt happy, reminded that she was a person of value in her own right. She had allowed Joshua to dampen her spirit and cause her to feel inadequate. Tonight she was re-affirmed and was determined that she would no longer feel helpless or hopeless. She would find a solution to her dilemma. She had no intention of living the rest of her life with a man who all but despised her.

  Playing at Deception

  n the weeks after the party, Carina spent more and more time away from the house riding or taking long walks in the woods near the plantation. She found that in the quiet of nature she could think clearly, searching for some way to be free of this sham of a marriage. No matter what elegant plan she hatched, there was always a sticking point which would cause her or her family grief. She continued to be in the weaker position no matter how much she desired to assert herself. Meanwhile, Mother Prewitt was throwing out not so subtle hints that she and Father Pre
witt were eagerly awaiting news of a grandchild on the way. Carina simply agreed with her mother-in-law that such a thing would be a wonderful blessing. It was easy to convince the older lady that she would be delighted to find herself with child. Carina was happy that the older couple could contemplate with joy the birth of a grandchild, even though she knew it could never happen. Twice more Joshua had entered her bedchamber late at night, fortified by liquor and the desire to present his parents with his heir, but each time he left in frustration, a frustration that he now began taking out on Carina in subtle ways.

  Carina chose not to let his behavior trouble her spirits. There were too many good things that she could accomplish, while avoiding Joshua as much as possible. There was an outbreak of cholera in Natchez and much against Mother Prewitt's wishes, Carina helped out at the infirmary when she could. She spent hours sponging the foreheads of the fevered ill or spooning broth into the mouths of those well enough to take nourishment. She herself remained remarkably healthy, as she had always enjoyed a robust constitution. No one at Easton Hall took sick thankfully, and so she could be spared for her charitable work. She worked tirelessly alongside Mother Prewitt to help in the management of the household, doing all that she could to take some of the burden from the older woman. She noticed that Joshua's mother walked slower and needed to sit down more often nowadays.

  Carina also used her talents as a needlewoman to make layettes for her young neighbors who were with child, stitching tiny cotton gowns and crocheting booties of softest wool. Several of the women her age whom she had met since coming to Natchez were happily expectant. She was glad for them, even as she shed private tears at her own childless state. In company Joshua and Carina played the loving newlyweds to perfection, Joshua to hide his true tastes in the bedroom, and Carina to avoid the humiliation of being known as an unloved wife. The charade obviously worked, since even their closest friends thought that they were blissfully happy.

  The winter finally gave way to spring, and with the emergence of the green shoots of March, Carina felt a restlessness she had never known before. Her only antidote was work and so she kept as busy as possible. When she could, she would take Pomme out in the blessed sunshine where the two of them made many an eye turn in admiration; she with her shining auburn hair, Pomme with his golden flowing mane. Carina thought wistfully back to the day when she and William had ridden out from Camellia Hill and he had kissed her fingertips so tenderly. She longed to be touched again with love and warmth, to feel like a woman once more. These were feelings which she needed to keep carefully in check, lest she allow herself an indiscretion that could bring shame on not only the Prewitt family, but on her own parents. I shall pretend I am a nun; she thought to herself and shut out all carnal thoughts from my mind. Little did she realize that such a thing was easier accomplished in thought than in reality.

  Mary and Pebo

  ebo was quiet and withdrawn when he returned from Easton Hall. Mary noticed her son's distracted, almost sullen manner immediately. She mistakenly thought that he was angry with her about the Underground Railroad. Three days after his return he was in the kitchen garden chopping out a few weeds when she came upon him.

  "You been awful quiet since you come back here, son. Somethin' botherin' you? I reckon we need to talk about that business you was worried about before you left to go to Easton Hall."

  "Mama, you promise me that has stopped and gonna stay stopped. I don't want to talk about it; I just want no more of it. Does my Daddy know you been harborin" runaways here? I bet he don't, 'cause I know him well enough to know he'd have a fit if Mr. Blanchett was to catch any of us here helpin' runaway slaves. Daddy's always been loyal to Mr. Blanchett, thinks a lot of him for givin' him a chance in the big house instead of workin' in the fields. Then the master takin' me to work inside, too. You could ruin it for all of us." Pebo was still furious with his mother for the chances she had been taking, not only for her, but also for his father.

  "I's sorry you feel that way, son, but I can't stand to see my own people mistreated and I got to help if I can. I ain't gonna get caught, I'se real careful, and you know nobody can slip in and out of hidey holes in this old house better than me." Mary tried to cajole Pebo to bring him out of his dark mood.

  "You foolin' yourself, Mama. You'll git caught, all right, you keep this up long enough and we'll all be out in the fields. You'll end up bein' whipped and likely in the jailhouse for two years. It'll be the end of you. By the time you get outta there you'll feel like a old woman. Probly be put to work on a rock pile with a chain around your ankle. You be swingin' a sledgehammer all day long."

  Mary shivered, imagining the things he was saying, knowing that they were all true. She tried not to think about what could happen when she helped her people, but even so, she didn't think she could stop herself. However, she needed to convince Pebo that she could. She needed to ease his mind by laying low for a few months. She had sent word to the next station that she wouldn't be available for awhile and that she would send word when she could take more runaways.

  Pebo finished his work and went out to the stables. He needed peace and quiet. The incident between him and Mr. Joshua had left a raw place in his soul that he was trying to allow to heal. He thought maybe if he just stayed quiet and peaceful that it would get better, but so far that hadn't helped. At sixteen years old, Pebo knew what happened between men and women. He had even had a roll in the hay with a pretty little girl once or twice. But the other thing; what happened to him at Easton Hall, that was different. He couldn't say no to Mr. Joshua, even though he wanted to run away from him. Mr. Joshua talked real nice, petted him, kissed on him like he was a girl and did other things that Pebo didn't even want to think about. Then for Miz Carina to see him like that. He couldn't imagine what she must think, him and her husband carrying on like that. He still remembered the look on her face, just like somebody had up and smacked her. Between thinking about that and worrying about his mama, his mind was worn out. He sat down and put his head in his hands.

  Mary went back into the house to see to the kitchen work. Three of the kitchen girls were gossiping and laughing when she walked in. In an angry mood she snapped at them to shut up. They looked at her, stunned and silent; it was unusual for Mary to have a bad temper. She was the backbone of the house staff; depended on to keep everything running smoothly. She did all that with a light touch, preferring to encourage good work rather than show meanness to the others. They thought of her as a sort of mother figure and wanted to please her when she gave them a task to complete.

  Return to Camellia Hill

  t Camellia Hill the household was preparing for a short visit from Carina. Mama and Papa were excited about the visit, having missed seeing their only child except for brief visits when one of them made a trip to Natchez. Carina would be staying for two days by herself at her former home, because Joshua had to make a trip to Macon to attend to some of his father's business interests. Mama had planned a ladies' tea in Carina's honor, to allow her to visit with old friends. Mary was preparing some of Carina's favorite delicacies, including a peach pie.

  Carina was more than delighted to get away from Easton Hall and Joshua for a few days. She was fond of the Prewitts but she missed her parents. She longed to have long talks with Papa like they had in the old days when she was a girl. She yearned for his wise words, even though she couldn't share any personal problems with him, or anyone else for that matter. Just his presence would be comforting to her. And Mama, bustling around like a mother hen, dressed to the nines for a simple tea, would be a welcome relief from all the worries of the past months.

  Carina's trunks were loaded onto the coach and she set out for her old home just after dawn. Joshua and his parents had come out to see her off, Joshua kissing her tenderly on the cheek for his parents' benefit. He helped her up into her seat and she waved to all of them as the coach sped down the drive. She was so impatient to be home that the journey this time seemed endless. Fidgeting in her seat, she
found herself tapping her foot in impatience. Delia watched her and shook her head. "Miz Carina, you can't make this carriage go no faster by tappin' that foot. Why don't you relax and enjoy this pretty drive."

  Finally, Carina took out a book and tried to read a little to pass the time, but she was unable to concentrate on the words. She woke up when the coach stopped two hours later with the book in her lap. Camellia Hill looked beautiful and welcoming in the sunlight. Her eyes filled with tears when she realized how much she had missed this place. She had been happy and carefree here, enjoying the pleasant life Papa and Mama had provided for her.

  Mama and Papa stood on the steps leading up to the front door. They walked down to greet her as the footman opened the coach door. They embraced their daughter; joyful at her return. Climbing the steps into the entry hall, Mama chattered incessantly about the myriad and sundry happenings in the neighborhood. Carina laughed, feeling that she had been caught up on all the news of the past year. Mama was excited about the tea that she had planned for the next afternoon and rattled on about who was invited, what would be served, and, of course, what she would wear. Papa took Carina by the shoulders; looking down at her, remarking that he thought she had grown since he'd seen her last. Carina laughed at his sally, enjoying his wit once more.

  At dinner that evening, the family talked and talked, trying to make up for the time they had been apart. Of course, Mama wanted to know all about the goingson at Easton Hall; how often they entertained, how the house was done up for a party, and how many servants Lettie Prewitt had in her household. Mama and Carina found themselves leaving Papa out and had to change the subject to allow him back into the conversation.