Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  The king looked up at him and smiled sadly, his eyes full of resignation and despair. He shrugged. “Pray?”

  Chapter 38

  By the time the orcs had finished filing through, Julian’s Mount spells had long since expired. Julian, Dave, and Stacy lay low behind some trees and listened to Tony the Elf whine about not being able to get back to the Whore’s Head Inn.

  “We shouldn’t have hung around to take Mayor Merriweather’s junk.”

  “It’s called being a decent human being,” said Stacy.

  Julian slipped his new ring onto his finger. “Fade.” He disappeared. “This isn’t junk. This stuff is cool.”

  Tony the Elf rolled his eyes. “You guys are missing the point. I want nothing more than to be a decent human being. That’s why I’m trying to get this one-eyed prick back to the Whore’s Head Inn, back to the magic dice. We can all go back to being decent human beings. And we’re not going to be able to take any of this cool stuff with us.”

  “Julian,” said Stacy. “Give me your ring. I want to go on a little scouting expedition.See if I can find out anything.”

  Julian slipped the ring off his finger and reappeared. He didn’t like the sound of Stacy going off alone. This is exactly the way the party kept getting split. If someone was going to get lost, he’d much rather it be Dave or Tony the Elf. “Why you?”

  “Because I’m awesome.” She’d snatched the ring out of his fingers before he’d seen her hand move. She was a quick one.“Fade.”

  “Be careful,” Julian said to the empty space just above the Stacy-shaped patch of flattened grass.

  “Don’t worry,” said Stacy’s disembodied voice as the grass stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

  Dave shook his head. “There goes another one.”

  “She’ll be okay,” said Julian. It was more a statement of hope than belief. “She’s smart. She’s quick. She’s quiet.”

  “She’s overconfident,” said Tony the Elf. “Maxed out stats aren’t going to help her if she tries to take down a bazillion hostile orcs by herself at first level.”

  Julian looked for some sign of Stacy. Footprints in the grass,frightened grasshoppers jumping away,anything. He saw nothing but the endless procession of orcs. “She’s not going to fight them. That’s why she brought the Invisible Ring with her.”

  “Ring of Invisibility,” Dave corrected him.

  “Whatever.”

  “I’m just saying, that’s what it’s called. An invisible ring would be just that. A ring that you couldn’t see.”

  As if Julian didn’t have enough on his mind. He was in a quandary about his feelings for Stacy and his loyalty to Tim, Ravenus was still missing, and he was currently weaponless and unprotected near a horde of pissed-off orcs. He didn’t need Dave’s petty bullshit right now. “Names can carry more weight than just the literal meanings of their component words. You can’t just call any cranky farmer a Grim Reaper, can you?”

  “You can if you’re making a terrible joke.”

  “You’d know. Okay, what about the Bag of Holding? That could literally describe any bag in existence. That’s what a bag does. That’s its only purpose. It holds shit.”

  “So what’s your point?”

  Julian thought for a moment. It seemed they had both lost track of what this argument was about. Bag of Holding. Grim Reaper. Word meanings. Invisible ring. He was back on track. “My point is, if the book had called it an Invisible Ring, you wouldn’t be bothered about it.”

  “And my point,” said Dave, “is that it’s not called an Invisible Ring. It’s called a Ring of Invisibility.”

  “That wasn’t your point. Your point was that Invisible Ring would have been an intrinsically inappropriate name, due to the literal meaning of –”

  “Jesus Christ!” said Tony the Elf. “Would you two please just shut the fuck up? Is there seriously so little of interest going on around you right now that you feel compelled to bicker about such trite bullshit?”

  “That’s just what I was trying to get across to Dave,” said Julian.

  “No, seriously,” said Tony the Elf. “Shut the fuck up.”He jerked his head to the side.“Listen.”

  Julian listened, and soon heard what Tony the Elf was hearing.

  “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” It was Stacy, and she was rapidly getting closer.

  Tony the Elf drew his twin machetes and hid behind his tree. He gestured for Julian and Dave to do the same.

  Dave grabbed his mace with both hands and crouched down.

  Julian, having no weapon, was only able to comply with the second part of the request. He reasoned that whatever Stacy was running from wasn’t making enough noise to be the entire orc army.So that was good.

  Not wanting to use up any more of his spells until he absolutely needed to, he decided to get creative. He scooped up a handful of dirt, thinking he might be able to temporarily blind an opponent.

  “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” Stacy ran past, fully visible, and at least three somethings were crashing through the woods behind her. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around to face them.

  Three orcs ran into view, and Tony the Elf drove his twin machetes deep into the slowest one’s bare back. It let out a silent scream as it dropped, suggesting that Tony the Elf had punctured both of its lungs.

  The fastest orc continued after Stacy, but the one in the middle turned around, seeming to recognize they’d been ambushed.

  Julian flung his payload of dirt, but didn’t quite reach the confused orc’s face. They both watched as dirt trickled down his muscular, scarred chest.

  The orc didn’t scream a battle cry as he raised his rusty sword, like Julian expected. He merely snarled, which was cut short when Dave bonked him on the head with his mace. He shook it off and followed through with his swing at Julian, but only managed to strip some bark off a tree as Julian ducked behind it.

  Tony the Elf brought one machete down hard on the orc’s sword arm and plunged his second one into its throat. Blood gurgled out of its neck and down Tony the Elf’s arm as the light of life faded from its eyes.

  “Stacy!” said Julian, just barely remembering to keep his voice down.

  Julianand Tony the Elf ran in the direction the fastest orc had gone. Dave waddled behind them. They found the orc lying dead on the ground, its body hacked into a bloody mess, but there was no trace of Stacy.

  Suddenly, she materialized out of thin air with her sword poking the dead orc in the ass. “How about that?” she said, looking at the silver ring on her finger.

  “What the hell was that?” said Tony the Elf. “You said you were going on a scouting mission.”

  Stacy looked up from her ring. “I did. On my way back, I found these four orcs relieving themselves in the woods.”

  “Four?” asked Dave, noting the body count.

  “I killed the first one while he was watering a tree, if you take my meaning. So anyway, I thought I’d do my part, you know? I figured they should be pretty easy to take out one by one if they couldn’t see me.” She held up the hand, displaying the Ring of Invisibility. “Did you know this thing stops working when you attack something?”

  “Yes,” said Dave and Tony the Elf.

  “No,” said Julian. “That is useful information, though.”

  Tony the Elf shook his head. “What did I tell you? Overconfidence. You’re not going to last long if you keep pulling stunts like that. You’re lucky they didn’t call the whole goddamn army over here.”

  “They were too greedy,” said Stacy. “As soon as the leader saw me, he shushed his buddies. They wanted the ring.”

  Julian looked over at the endless column of orcs, then back at Stacy. “Did your scouting mission yield any results?”

  Stacy folded her arms and smiled smugly. “As a matter of fact, it did. Just a bit farther ahead, the orcs are branching off to either side of the road and continuing north through the forest. I’m guessing they’re trying to
get as close to the city as possible without being seen.”

  “And this is helpful to us how?” asked Tony the Elf. He was still using a scolding tone of voice, like he wanted to continue driving home the point that Stacy’s little scouting mission had been irresponsible and reckless, yielding no useful results and putting them all in serious danger. He was kind of a dick that way.

  “If they’re going far enough off into the woods so as not to be seen from the road, then we should be relatively safe from being seen if we can get on the road.”

  “That’s your plan?” said Dave, having finally caught up to the rest of them. “Stand out in the open, surrounded by thousands of orcs?” He and Tony the Elf would make the perfect couple.

  “Why not?” said Stacy. “If we’re spotted on the road, we can always just summon some horses and outrun them.” She looked at Julian. “Do you have enough of those spells left?”

  Julian nodded. “If we double up.”

  “Aside from being suicidally insane,” said Tony the Elf, “your brilliant plan made no mention of exactly how you expect us to get to the road from here. Are we supposed to tunnel under the column of orcs?”

  Julian wanted to tell Tony the Elf to take it down a notch, but he was more curious about Stacy’s response.

  “Screw that noise,” said Stacy. “They’re not walking as densely together in the forest. We’ll just go through them.” She tapped a finger on the Ring of Invisibility as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  Julian anticipated Tony the Elf’s next question, and fielded it in his place to keep him from being an asshole. “We’ve got one ring. There are four of us.”

  “And a prisoner,” said Dave.

  “And a dog,” said Tony the Elf.

  Stacy shrugged. “It’s true, this is not an ideal situation, but you must know I wouldn’t have brought up the idea if I hadn’t already figured out a way around the most obvious problem. Give me some credit, guys!”

  Tony the Elf smiled. “I can’t wait to hear this. How are all of us going to get all of us past all of those orcs without being seen?”

  Stacy grinned. “Simple. I’ll piggyback you across one by one.”

  Tony the Elf laughed. “I think that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “If you’ve got a problem with my plan, spit it out.”

  “Okay,” said Tony the Elf. “Here’s a problem. Look at you, and look at Dave. He is a concentrated mass of meat and iron. You try to put him on your back, and he’ll snap those little chicken legs of yours like dry spaghetti.”

  “Someone else underestimated me once.”She looked down at the bloody remains of the orc at her feet. “Oh look. There he is now.”

  Tony the Elf smiled and nodded. “I’ll admit to being curious.” He looked at Dave. “Go and hop up on there, Big D. Let’s see what Little Miss Badass can do.”

  “Little Miss Badass,” Stacy said to herself. “I like that. I may adopt it.” She squatted low on the ground. “Come on, Dave. Don’t be shy.” She shot him a quick glare. “But don’t get too frisky either.”

  “What… I…” Dave stammered.

  “I’m just messing with you. Climb aboard, big guy.”

  Dave climbed onto her back, and it was like watching a Saint Bernard mount a Chihuahua. That is, until she stood up.

  No grunt. No strain. Stacy’s legs unfolded as easily as if they weren’t even supporting her own weight, much less Dave’s. Together, Dave and Stacy looked like an old-timey television set turned upside down and walking on its rabbit-ear antennas.

  She hopped up and down a few times, just to show off.

  “I might be able to take you boys two at a time.” After a moment of reflection, she said, “That came out wrong. Forget I said that.”

  After Tony the Elf agreed to Stacy’s plan, on the condition that he was the last one to be ferried to the road, they followed the orcs northwest at a safe distance until the orcs turned north.

  “Looks like this is as far from the road as they’re going to get,” said Stacy. “Who’s first? Julian?”

  Julian felt like he should at least raise some token objection to having to go first, but he knew he was the obvious choice. He was the lightest, and the one best equipped to escape danger if caught alone. He nodded his consent.

  Willing himself not to get an erection, Julian climbed onto Stacy’s back. He wrapped his left arm loosely around her neck, so as not to choke her, andgripped her right shoulder. In his right hand, we wielded the sword he’d taken from the orc Stacy had killed.

  “Fade”, said Stacy, and they both disappeared.

  “Good luck,” said Dave.

  “Be careful,” said Tony the Elf. “You’re not as much of a badass as you think you are.”

  Stacy’s hair brushed Julian’s chin as she turned to face Tony the Elf. “You guys don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back before you know it.”

  Being invisible and carried was like being inside one of those 4D theaters they have in amusement parks, like an incredibly detailed simulation of existence.

  Stacy didn’t bother trying to be too stealthy, because the orcs were making plenty enough noise to provide cover. They were being particularly loud a little ways north. Julian couldn’t make out exactly what was going on, but a group of them appeared to be engaged in combat with something much larger than they were.

  “Sweetums,” said Stacy.

  That was weird. This was hardly the time to be putting him on the spot like that. But in the interest of their safety, Julian played along. “Yes, Pumpkin?”

  “What? Ew. No no no no no. They’re fighting a Sweetums. A big furry monster, like Sweetums from the Muppets. I saw one earlier, while you were zoned out on the carpet.” She changed course and started jogging toward the shouts and screams and roars.

  After a few steps, Julian had a clearer view of the fight. Half a dozen piles of gore, which presumably used to be orcs, lay in the immediate vicinity of a wounded and enraged owlbear. Twice as many living orcs jabbed at the beast with swords and spears, and even more were gathering behind them.

  “Just so you know,” Julian whispered. “That’s called an owlbear.”

  “That’s a stupid name. I’m calling it Sweetums.”

  Julian would have argued that, while the concept of the creature itself was a stupid one, the name owlbear was very appropriate. He would have argued that, had he not had more pressing issues to discuss, such as…

  “Hey. Why are we running toward the Sweetums?”

  “There should be a nice big gap on the other side of the fight. Now keep quiet.” Stacy picked up her pace until she was sprinting.

  Helpless to do anything else, Julian watched the fight and held his sword ready, hoping he wouldn’t have to use it.

  One unlucky orc rushed at the owlbear with his spear, missing the creature entirely, and finding himself within grabbing range. The owlbear picked him up with both hands, clamped its beak over his head, and ran its claws down the sides of his body like a cat scratching post made out of meat.

  When the owlbear’s claws reached down to the orc’s leg, it grabbed hold of his calf, tore the head free with its beak, and proceeded to beat back the other orcs with the headless body of their former comrade. The orc flail wasn’t a particularly effective weapon, but it did give those orcs nearest the owlbear a healthy coating of blood and gore.

  “All right!” Stacy whispered excitedly as her pace slowed back down to a jog. “We did it!”

  “Huh?” Julian had been so transfixed by the sight of orc entrails flying around, he hadn’t realized that they had successfully breached the orc line. “Oh. Nice job.”

  “We got lucky with that one.” Stacy spoke normally now that they were far enough away from the orcs. “I’ve still got to do this a few more times, and I won’t be able to count on Sweetums as a distraction.”

  “Now that we’re alone,” said Julian. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

 
; “What did Mordred say to you while you were in the sea that got you so riled up?”

  Stacy slowed down to a walk and let out a heavy sigh. “He said he created this world just for me, that everyone in it was just another failed attempt at perfection.”

  “Straight eighteens,” said Julian. “The perfect character.”

  “He said he was saving that character for someone special. Someone who would be his queen. Like I’m supposed to be honored to have been chased into the women’s restroom of an Olive Garden. It’s just like Tim. Where do these guys get the idea that you can just claim a woman as your territory like a dog pissing on a fence post?”

  “Did he say anything about Ravenus?”

  Stacy looked like she was about to sigh again but checked it. “No. He didn’t mention Ravenus.”

  “I had to ask.”

  “I know.”

  When they came to the edge of the forest, Stacy let go of Julian’s legs. Julian became visible as his feet touched the ground.

  “Thanks for the lift.”

  Stacy materialized in front of him, the Ring of Invisibility in her hand. “Don’t mention it.” She looked back into the forest. “Guess it’s time for round two.”

  “Be careful out there,” said Julian.“There’s no rush. Take your time, and get back to me in one piece.”

  Stacy nodded, smiled at Julian, and vanished.

  Just like that, Julian was alone, surrounded by orcs on all sides, and who knew whatever other kinds of horrible beasts, any one of which could jump out at any time to tear him apart.

  He felt a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll be right back.”

  Chapter 39

  The air was warmer than usual, and something sharp was poking Cooper in the head. He opened his eyes to find Ravenus pecking at him.

  “Fuck off, bird!” He missed Ravenus as he swatted at his own face.

  Looking down at his crotch, he found the Decanter of Endless Water gushing out from between his legs, where he’d placed it when he felt himself getting drowsy.