Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  “Hey Ravenus. Check it out. Looks like I’m getting rid of a Big Gulp.”

  The water arched out from his crotch into the sea, and onto a group of naked children who were playing and laughing.

  “That’s kinda fucked up.”

  “Good morning,” said someone behind Cooper.

  Cooper tilted his head back until he had an upside-down view of a group of humans and half-elves standing behind him. Their clothes were more brightly colored than what Cooper was used to seeing. They were all armed with long spears or bows, but didn’t appear to be hostile. His autopilot system had worked. He was on a beach.

  “Which way is Cardinia?” He deactivated the Decanter of Endless Water.

  A large human man, wearing nothing but a turquoise linen skirt, his fat, sun-bronzed belly tattooed with symbols that might have been a language, stepped forward. “You’re on the wrong side of the sea, mate. You’re a mile west of Portsville.”

  “Portsville? Shit! Hold on… Where the fuck is Portsville?”

  The group of beachgoers looked at one another before the skirted man spoke again.

  “Your companion tells us you were drifting blindly in your sleep. This is not a good idea. A few degrees in another direction, you might have washed up on the beaches of Meb’ Garshur. There you would have been killed for sure. Even here it is not safe to carelessly display possessions of such great value, especially while you sleep. You are fortunate that we did not kill you ourselves, take your belongings, and feed your body to our pigs.”

  What was Cooper supposed to say to that?“Um… Thank you?”

  The fat man shrugged. “You survived by one vote. Maka did not want to kill you in front of the children.”

  “Thanks, Maka.”

  A slender half-elven woman with dark hair, wearing a near-translucent matching purple skirt and shawl, and an emerald navel ring, bowed her head gracefully.

  Cooper made a mental note to send Ravenus on a little scouting mission once they got back on the water, so that he could rub one out to Maka.

  “There are other ways to express one’s gratitude,” said the fat man.

  Cooper was barely paying attention, mesmerized by Maka’s ample bosom. “I was just thinking the same thing, dude.”

  The fat man cleared his throat. “AHEM!”

  Cooper jerked his head away from Maka. “Oh, sorry.” He stood up and turned his boat around in the sand, pointing it back out to sea. “So what’s that you were saying about how to get to Cardinia?”

  Some of the Portsvillians chuckled, which made Cooper feel uneasy.

  The fat man grinned widely.“The way is simple. Head north by northeast until you reach the north shore, then follow the coast eastward until you reach PortTown. From there, you can take the road north to Cardinia.”

  Cooper was relieved. For a minute there, he thought they had been trying to extort some kind of offering from him, which he would have been happy to give if he didn’t absolutely need every single thing he had on him. “Cheers.” He pushed his boat into the water.

  The group on the beach tittered among themselves.

  “Excuse me, sir!” the fat man called out after him, sudden alarm in his voice.

  Cooper turned around. “What? What’d I do?”

  “Surely you don’t mean to cross the Great Sea in that.”

  “Sure I do,” said Cooper. “Why the fuck do you think I just asked you for directions?”

  “You are indeed brave, friend, but this is not a voyage to be made in a one-oared rowboat. You will require passage on a larger, more sea-worthy vessel.” The fat man smiled like a dirty cop about to solicit a bribe. “For a reasonable price, my friends and I can book you passage on the next ship to PortTown. That’s a nice decanter you have there. We just might be able to get enough for it.”

  So it was extortion after all. Cooper couldn’t fault them for taking advantage of his apparentpredicament to the end of relieving him of a little coin, but they were asking for a permanently enchanted magic item in exchange for a boat ticket to Poor Town. They took him for a dumbshit.

  The joke was on them. They had obviously not figured out his preferred method of boat propulsion, thinking instead that he was just some weird fucker who liked to sleep on the beach with a fountain of water gushing out from between his legs.

  Cooper sat down in his rowboat, facing the beach, with the Decanter of Endless Water resting on his lap.

  The group on the beach closed in a bit, some of them appearing to be riding the line between holding and brandishing their weapons.

  “Sir,” said the beach party’s spokesperson. “Please be reasonable. You’ll never survive this journey. It just isn’t possible.”

  “Do you know what a bidet is?” asked Cooper.

  The Portsvillians looked blankly at one another, then back down at Cooper.

  “I’m afraid we’re unfamiliar with that word,” said the fat man. “Please enlighten us. What is a bee-day?”

  “It’s a device for washing assholes,” said Cooper. “It works like this.” He pointed the Decanter of Endless Water at the group and said the command word. “GEYSER!”

  The force of the water pushed Cooper’s little boat quickly out to sea while simultaneously drenching the Portsvillians.

  A few arrows sailed over Cooper’s head as the boat ramped over wave after wave. He guessed there were probably a lot more that would have hit him, but got deflected by the gush of water.

  Once he was safely out of arrow range, he deactivated the decanter.

  “Ravenus.”

  Ravenus was perched on the front of the boat. He looked at Cooper.

  Cooper pointed at his own eyes, pointed out to sea, and flapped his arms. “I need you… to scout… for danger ahead.”

  After a moment, Ravenus nodded. He flew away, leaving Cooper alone at sea.

  Cooper lay on the floor of the boat and pulled up the front of his loincloth. “Why yes, Maka, I do like it weird.”

  Chapter 40

  “Being a vampire is tougher than you think,” said Katherine. “You get these great powers, and you think Now I’m a big badass, but you’re completely reliant on other people. Take travel, for instance. I’m in this stupid bag again after I vowed never to – Are you paying attention? Ew. Your ascot’s slipping.”

  Katherine adjusted the ascot she’d made out of fabric torn from the black elf’s cloak to cover the hole she’d ripped out of his neck.

  “There you go. All fixed.”

  She wasn’t crazy. She was passing the time talking to an elf who she understood all too well was not alive. He was just a focus for her to talk to herself.

  Crazy people don’t know that what they’re doing is crazy. Katherine was fully aware that what she was doing was crazy, and so she could therefore not be.

  “What was I saying? Oh, right. I mean, I’m trusting my life to Chaz of all people. I’d be better off taking my chances with a parasol. And do you know how embarrassing it is to have to step into a bag while all those strangers are watching me, while he’s watching me?”

  “…”

  “No, not Chaz. I don’t give a shit about Chaz. I’m talking about Tanner.”

  “…”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I mean, sure I like him. But do I like him like him? It’s really too early to tell, isn’t it? Take it from me, Bub. You don’t want to rush these things. But yeah, he’s cute, and smart, and we’re both half-elves.”

  “…”

  “I’m not saying that matters. I’m just saying it’s something we have in common. We could swap clothes or whatever.”

  “…”

  “Fuck you!”

  “…”

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just this bag. It gets to me, you know?”

  “…”

  “Nah, he’s cool. He even gave me a little good-bye wave. It was sweet. But I’ll tell you this much. I will fry in the fucking sun before I let that smug Stacy bitch see me step into a bag.”
/>
  “…”

  “I don’t care. I’ve got my limits, and I won’t –”

  Katherine felt a hand grasp her ankle. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  The road rushed up fast to hit her in the face. She rolled over onto her back and wiped her hair out of her eyes to find she was surrounded by old people clapping enthusiastically.

  Chaz held the Bag of Holding out to his side and took a deep bow.

  “Dude, what the fuck?” said Katherine. “Put the bag on the ground before you pull me out. Don’t hold it up in the air and dump me out like a sack of potatoes.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Chaz. “I –”

  “And what’s with grabbing me by the leg?”

  “Well I didn’t want to specify Katherine’s arm. What if the bag takes that to mean I only want your arm?”

  A shiver ran up Katherine’s spine. “Ooh. That’s a good point.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Why are we not in the city yet? Who the fuck are all these geriatrics?”

  Chaz scowled. “Tanner said we should hang back and escort the elderly citizens.”

  Katherine clapped her hands together. “That is so sweet!”

  “What?”

  “Where is he?” Katherine stood up and shoved two old men out of her way to break free from the crowd.“Whoa!”

  Stacy and Tanner were walking together. Stacy was telling him something which required growling and clawing at the air, and he was completely enthralled.

  “Uh-uh, mamacita!” said Katherine. “You need to back that shit up right now.”

  Tanner stopped laughing.

  Stacy stopped clawing and sighed. “Looks like someone let the Kat out of the bag.”

  Katherine got up in her face. “And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “Your name is Kat, and you were just released from a bag.”

  Katherine stepped back. “Fine.” She looked at Tanner. “Whatever she was saying about me, it’s a goddamn lie.”

  “She hasn’t mentioned you,” said Tanner.

  “Then what was with all of the clawing and growling?”

  Tanner smiled. “Stacy was regaling me with tales of the mayor of PortTown. Quite the character, he seems.”

  Subject change! With her vision not rage-focused on Stacy and Tanner, Katherine noticed that Dave, Julian, and that other elf guy who insisted on being called Tony the Elf had joined them on the road. Tony the Elf had an unconscious, bound and gagged third elf slung over his shoulder. Tim and Cooper were still missing.

  “Have you guys seen Tim?”

  Dave shook his head. “He and Cooper weren’t in PortTown. We thought they might be with you.”

  “They weren’t with me. I’ve been in a fucking bag all day.”

  “They’re probably back at the Whore’s Head,” said Julian.“You know those two.”

  These old folks walked even slower than Dave. Katherine suggested stuffing them all into the Bag of Holding and flying them into the city, but the idea was not well-received.

  Distant in the northwestern sky, the big flying boat loomed, orbited by dragons, like a giant floating atom. It was a strange sight for a while, like when the Hale-Bopp comet was visible in the sky back in the late 90s. But just like the comet, Katherine eventually grew accustomed to it being there.

  She tried to keep her mind focused on the tongue-lashing she was going to give her brother when she finally caught up with him, but Stacy’s incessant yapping kept her distracted.

  Blah blah blah… We put out a fire. Blah blah blah… We captured a guy who may or may not be Mordred. Blah blah blah… A tiger-man clawed his way out of a dragon’s asshole. Blah blah blah… We got some new toys.

  And the worst part was that Tanner was eating that shit up. Katherine couldn’t interrupt without coming off like a total bitch, but she didn’t know how much longer she could go on listening to –

  “Cardinia!” one of the old people shouted.

  Katherine looked up. There it was on the horizon. Vast city walls silhouetted against moonlit clouds. There seemed to be a lot of frenzied movement on top of the walls, like little ants scurrying about after someone poked the hill with a stick, but Katherine couldn’t make out any more detail than that from this far away.

  Before long she could hear the sounds of battle. Orcs were storming toward the gate and being mowed down by arrows. Humans, half-elves, and dwarves pounded on the gate, screaming for it to open.

  This went on for a time before a tiny orange speck of light zoomed out from the top of the left gate tower to the flying boat, where it exploded into a massive ball of fire which seemed to have no effect but to make the old people ooh and aah.

  An evil laugh erupted from the boat, and it returned fire with a sickly green spotlight, which it scanned along the base of the wall like it was searching for something. It didn’t seem like much of a big deal to Katherine, but the screaming from within the city grew louder and more intense.

  “What is that?” asked Stacy.

  Tanner shrugged and shook his head. Then his eyes widened as he stared at the boat. “The dragons have been released!”

  Katherine watched as the three dragons flew toward the city walls. One approached from the east, another from the west, and the third flew down toward the crowd huddled at the gate. All three dragons vomited massive plumes of fire indiscriminately onto soldier, civilian, and orc.

  The masses atop the walls changed from ants into fireflies. Burning bodies fell – or jumped – off of the walls. More often than not, they stayed put where they landed. That is, until the green light from the ship shone on them.

  “They’re getting slaughtered,” said Tanner. “We have to help.”

  “Help how?” said Tony the Elf. “If the king’s whole army can’t stop them, what can we do?”

  “We can take out one of those dragons.”

  “How?”

  Tanner smiled at Stacy. “The same way Mayor Merriweather did.”

  Katherine frowned, trying to remember the finer points of Stacy’s story. “You’re going to let it eat you, and then claw your way out of its asshole?”

  “Of course not. I’d be dead in an instant.”

  Stacy looked from Tanner to Katherine. “But you could do it! You could get in there and turn into a big wolf and tear it apart from the inside.”

  “Fuck that shit!” said Katherine. She looked at Tanner. “Did you mean –”

  “No no no,” said Tanner. “Powerful as you are, that’s far too risky. But we will need someone to use as bait.” He looked at Tony the Elf. “What about your prisoner?”

  “No can do,” said Tony the Elf. “We need him alive.”

  Katherine wasn’t going to be the one to suggest using one of the old people. She’d gotten bad enough looks for wanting to ferry them over the wall in a bag.Bag… BAG!

  “I have a dead elf in my bag!” she blurted out before considering how such an announcement might be received.

  “You have a what?” asked Stacy.

  “Excellent,” said Tanner. “Dave, I’ll need your Immovable Rod, your breastplate, and your mace.”

  “Um…” said Dave. “Okay.”

  While Dave removed his armor, Katherine dumped the body of the dead elf onto the road. Everyone gawked silently down at it. It only then occurred to Katherine that this was one of Tanner’s people.

  “Did you make that ascot?” asked Tanner.

  Katherine nodded.

  “Nice work.”

  “I can make you one.”

  “Another time.” He addressed the whole group. “I’ll need any swords or spears anyone can spare.”

  Julian laid down an old rusty sword, and Tony the Elf tossed down a spear in similar condition.

  One of the old men knelt before the pile of offerings and gently laid down an ancient-looking leather scabbard containing a sword with a tarnished hilt. “It belonged to my grandfather.”

  “Keep your grandfather’s sword, si
r,” said Tanner. “Pass it down to your grandson. My own blade will be sufficient.”

  With that, he proceeded to pound the shit out of Dave’s breastplate with Dave’s mace.

  “Hey man!” cried Dave. “What the fuck are you doing? I need that!” But he dared not get too close to the crazy black half-elf wielding his mace.

  “It’s for the greater good,” said Tanner. Having bent the breastplate to the point of uselessness, he took the spear with both hands and started punching holes in it.

  After about twenty minutes of hammering, bending and twisting metal, Tanner had something that resembled an iron football, only with blades poking out in every direction. At the center of the football was Dave’s Immovable Rod, wrapped up so tightly that it didn’t even rattle.

  He flipped the dead elf over on the road so that he lay face down. “The more squeamish of you may want to look away.”

  No one looked away.

  Tanner shrugged, then shoved a protruding spearhead into the base of the elf’s skull, up into its brain.

  “Well I suppose that’s that,” he said, standing up to admire his handiwork.

  “That’s that?” said Dave. “What the fuck is that?”

  “A baited hook,” said Tanner. “Now all we need to do is cast our line and reel us in a dragon.”

  The road was becoming a dangerous place. As two of the dragons continued to rain fire down on the city, the third was flying in a zig-zag pattern across the road, lighting up orcs and townsfolk, and it was getting closer to them with every pass.

  Under Tanner’s instruction, Katherine and Julian carried the mutilated elf corpse to the edge of the forest on the left side of the road, taking care not to mangle it any more than it was already mangled, while Stacy and Tony the Elf shepherded the old folks into the woods on the right.

  “Here’s how this works,” said Tanner. “Katherine, I’m going to need you to fly Julian and our unfortunate friend here up a few feet above the treetops. Julian, I’ll need you to put your finger into the hole at the bottom of the…thing, and push the button on the Immovable Rod. When he’s suspended in the air, both of you come back down here.”

  Julian wrapped the edge of his serape around his hand before lifting the contraption by the shaft of the spear poking up through the bottom of the dead elf’s head. “I hope this works, because it’s pretty gross.”