This Christmas

by Olivia Miles

  “I love that photo,” a voice behind her said. She turned to see Jeff watching her, his expression serious, sobered.

  She gave him a sad smile and set the frame back on the shelf, angling it exactly as she’d found it. “I remember that night. You brought Tiffany Chambers with you to the picnic. Whatever happened with her?”

  He rolled his eyes skyward. “She started talking about babies and painting my spare room pink, that’s what happened to her,” he said, and they both laughed. He shook his head. “She wasn’t the one for me.”

  Tess frowned a little. “I never knew you were looking for the one.”

  He shrugged. “Isn’t everyone?”

  “Not my sister Jules,” Tess replied.

  Jeff brushed a hand through the air. “Jules is young. When she finds the right guy, she’ll change her mind.”

  Tess watched him closely, unsure why she felt the need to continue this conversation. “And is that how you feel?”

  Jeff’s stare was intense, as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer the question.

  “I think I’ve already found her,” he said quietly. Tess blinked, wondering if she was misreading his signal and knowing from his serious expression that she wasn’t.

  Her heart was beating hard and she struggled for words to say.

  Jeff was close, so close that she could feel his breath on her face, see the question in his eyes, and the bump on his nose from when he’d been hit by a hockey puck in the tenth grade.

  She couldn’t cross that line. She was Andrew’s wife! And Andrew was gone. And right now, his loss had never felt more real.

  She shook her head. “I’m not what you’re looking for.”

  “You’re exactly what I’m looking for,” he said quietly.

  She looked at him, really looked at him, and tried to imagine a future with him in it. And then tried to imagine one without him. And couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t imagine a future without Andrew.

  “I don’t want to hold you back,” she said, swallowing hard. “I’m a downer.”

  Except that this wasn’t true. Not really. Around Jeff she felt upbeat, maybe even positive. “You want fun,” she said firmly. “You want…variety.”

  “I want you,” he said simply. He arched a brow, and his deep blue eyes hooked with hers. And just for a moment, she almost caved.

  “You’ve gone through a rough time,” Jeff said, inching closer to her. “Hell, we’ve gone through it together.”

  She stared at him, knowing how easy it would be to fall into his arms. To feel connected. And comforted. Forever.

  But there was no such thing as forever.

  “Think of what Trudy Flannigan said at the tree lot,” she said, shaking her head.

  “Who cares what that woman thinks? What anyone thinks?” Jeff paused. “What do you think, Tess?”

  “I think…” But she didn’t even know. Her head was muddled and her heart hurt from pounding so hard. From the thought of more change and more loss. She wanted to hold onto Andrew, as tight as she could, for as long as she could. But she couldn’t lose Jeff. “I think you’re mixing up your feelings.”

  He shook his head firmly. “I know my head,” he said gruffly. Then, quieter, “I know my heart, Tess.”

  She looked at him, pressed down on her lips and took one step back. “And I know mine.” And her heart…was broken.

  She picked up her bag, her eyes searching for the door. She had to go. She had to leave.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, blinking back tears, happy that her back was to him.

  But the person she was apologizing to wasn’t Jeff.

  It was Andrew.

  Chapter Twenty

  Carrie

  Carrie sat in the big armchair next to the tree, which was now lit, its branches filled with more ornaments thanks to Phoebe’s insistence when they’d returned from the festival, cold and tired. A glass of wine was on the table beside her; her phone was in her hand. She reread Lucas’s text over and over until she had it memorized, but even then, she read it again, to make sure that it was real and that she hadn’t just imagined it.

  So many questions. What had made him change his mind? Had scarf girl dumped him? And just how long had scarf girl been in the picture?

  She reached for her glass and took a long sip, letting the wine warm her from the inside out. In the fireplace, the flames crackled, and in the distance she could hear a Christmas movie playing in the family room where Jules and Tess and Phoebe were gathered. Her sisters had been quiet on the walk home, and she’d been grateful for it. Just like she was grateful to be spending the holiday here, in Winter Lake of all places. It was the exact type of Christmas she’d always longed for in so many ways: a big, country home filled with lights and greenery and ribbon, and a child’s laughter. It was the life she had always wanted for herself, but one she’d never had with Lucas and, maybe, never would.

  She looked at the screen again, at Lucas’s words to her, wondering where to even begin. Which question to ask first?

  She set the phone down on her lap. The truth was that she didn’t know where to begin, or where it had all gone wrong. But Jules was right. Lucas had never encouraged her to be with her sister when she needed her most. And he’d never said he wanted children or a house in the suburbs either. He certainly never would have wanted to spend his Christmas here, in Winter Lake. And he never had. And so, neither had she.

  So far, their entire relationship had revolved around what Lucas wanted, and she’d been fine with that. But now, she wasn’t. Now, she wanted more. Or at least to know that more was possible.

  At the festival she’d seen families—husbands, wives, kids—made out of all the people she’d grown up with, gone to school with, and left behind. She thought she’d find a better life in New York. The life she wanted.

  But now the thought of going back left her lonely and cold. And it wasn’t just the thought of her cramped apartment. It was all of it.

  She stood up and collected her wine glass to join her sisters in the other room. She’d reply to Lucas eventually, or maybe she wouldn’t. But she wasn’t getting back together with him or going back to that life.

  All she’d wanted for so many years was a family of her own. But she’d tried to force a situation instead of open her eyes.

  She had a family. Right here. Under this roof.

  And they’d been here all along.

  After Phoebe went to bed, Jules disappeared upstairs to read. Carrie watched her leave the room; half wanting to ask if something was going on with her. But then, she shook the thought away. What could be going on with her? She had no boyfriend or desire for one. She seemed perfectly content with her lack of job security. She was usually in good spirits, sure, but maybe tonight she was just tired. It had been a long day. And an even longer week.

  And more than a week had passed since Lucas had broken up with her. More than a week since Carrie had dared to think that her entire life was about to start.

  Somehow, being back here in Winter Lake, it felt like a lifetime ago. A different world. And not one she was sure that she wanted to go back to.

  Carrie turned off the television as the movie credits wound down, and went into the kitchen, expecting to find Tess hard at work on the cupcakes she’d promised to make for Phoebe to leave out for Santa tomorrow night, but instead she found her sister sitting at the kitchen table, cradling a cup of tea in her hands.

  “The pot’s still warm on the stove,” Tess said.

  Carrie took this as an invitation that Tess wanted her company, like old times, before all that business of last winter, and she took a mug from the cabinet and added a tea bag. Decaf. She didn’t need to be up all night. And tonight she had a feeling she would sleep straight through. The fresh air was doing her good.

  So was being free of Lucas, she admitted to herself.

  And so was being here with her sisters.

  “Phoebe’s so excited about Christmas,” she said as she slid into the cha
ir opposite Tess. “It’s hard to believe tomorrow is already Christmas Eve.” If she’d stayed in New York, and she and Lucas were still together, what would that have looked like? Sushi dinner, same as last year, no doubt. They’d exchange gifts on Christmas morning, but there would be no tree, no holiday music, no magic.

  That’s how Lucas liked it. And Carrie had always gone along with what Lucas liked.

  She’d been afraid of what would happen if she didn’t, just like her sisters had said.

  Tess seemed to force a smile. “Christmas Eve was always my favorite day. I think it was the anticipation. Having something to look forward to.”

  Carrie wanted to ask what had changed, why she didn’t love that feeling anymore, but she knew why. Tess had lost the ability to look forward to something. She just needed to find a way to rediscover it.

  “Do you remember the Christmas when Mom bought us all ice skates?” Carrie could still remember the squeals of joy all three girls had let out when they unwrapped their boxes.

  Tess laughed. “She let us go skating in our pajamas.”

  Carrie grinned. She’d forgotten that part. The best part. “That’s what made her special, you know?”

  “That’s what made her irresponsible,” Tess corrected, lifting an eyebrow. Then, after a pause, she said quietly, “But it did make her special. As much as I never wanted to be like her, there was a lot to learn from her.”

  Carrie leaned in across the table. “I remember that we had to teach Jules to skate. Or we thought we’d have to. But she was a natural. Do you remember how she barely fell, and when she did she just laughed?”

  “She’s a lot like Mom in many ways,” Tess said. “I think that’s what worries me so much about her. She’s a free spirit. She doesn’t play by the rules. She wears her heart on her sleeve but holds it back at the same time. She’s afraid of getting hurt.”

  Carrie had never thought of it this way. She’d been too busy worrying that her own life would turn out like her mother’s, but now she wondered if that would be so bad. They’d had their moments. And they’d had each other.

  “I can probably say that I’m guilty of some of that myself. The fear of getting hurt part, at least,” Carrie said softly.

  Tess looked at her. “Me too.”

  Carrie was surprised by this rare admission and insight into Tess’s feelings, but said nothing. Tess had been so stoic for the entire length of her visit, just like she’d always been growing up, but something told her that she wasn’t holding back anymore, that there was something on her mind. Something other than the problems that had kept the two sisters apart all this time, or Tess’s secret intolerance for Lucas.

  Lucas. Carrie took a sip of her tea. She idly wondered what he might be doing right now. Friday night. He was probably at the office. Or grabbing a beer at his favorite hotel bar down the street from it, with coworkers.

  “I’ve been thinking…” Carrie ventured. She hadn’t been thinking. Not with her head at least. But she’d always been one to play by her heart, hadn’t she? And this time, she hoped that she could trust it to know what was best. “Maybe I’ll move after the school year is finished.”

  Just saying it aloud filled her with relief. No more cramped apartment. No more noise. No more feelings of loneliness even when she was surrounded by hundreds, thousands of people. No more running away. Sure, she’d miss Melody, but they would visit each other.

  Tess looked at her in surprise. “But you love New York.”

  “I moved there for all the wrong reasons,” Carrie said. “I thought that by leaving this town, I’d have a better chance at the life I always wanted. But look at you. You stayed behind, and you got the life I always wanted.”

  Tess stared at her. “Have you forgotten that I am a widow?”

  “You know what I mean,” Carrie said. “And you have a community. People care about you. In New York, no one knows me. I’ve lived next door to my neighbor for over six years and I still don’t know his name.”

  “So you think you’ll move back to Winter Lake?” Tess looked so surprised that Carrie had to question her own decision, but only briefly. Going back to New York made her feel lonely. But the thought of staying here made her feel connected.

  Carrie nodded. “I’d need a job, of course. But I’ll apply to some of the local schools. See what happens. It’s worth a try.”

  “I’d like that,” Tess said, smiling. “I’d like that a lot. It’s been easier with you two here.”

  “Oh, you don’t give yourself enough credit,” Carrie said.

  “That’s what Jeff says.” Tess looked down at her tea. Carrie sensed that she wanted to say more, and stayed quiet. She was beginning to think that Jules was right, that there was something developing between Tess and Jeff.

  “Jeff’s a really great guy,” Carrie finally said, watching her sister carefully as she sipped her tea.

  Tess nodded thoughtfully. “He is. But…”

  And there it was. There was something between them. Something that Tess was resisting, it would now seem.

  “But Andrew—”

  “Andrew will always have a place in your heart. And Jeff’s too. I think that’s what bonded you together. Maybe even…brought you together?” Carrie gave her sister a pointed look. “Andrew was special, I know,” Carrie said quietly. “But learn from me. When a special guy comes along, don’t push him away.”

  Tess looked over and Carrie followed her gaze. Jules was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking sadder than Carrie thought she had ever seen her before.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked.

  Jules’s smile was wan. “Just tired is all. I was going to get a glass of water, but…I’d better get to bed. Christmas Eve tomorrow. I still have to do all of my shopping.”

  Carrie fought the urge to give Tess a knowing look. Of course Jules had waited until the last moment to do her shopping, left to panic and pick through leftover items that weren’t high on other people’s lists. Last year, she’d received a pair of socks. Of course, it was the thought that counted, and well, that was what made Jules who she was.

  “Jules, wait,” she said before Jules was out of earshot. She didn’t like seeing her so quiet like this. She wanted the old Jules back, the one who always smiled and who didn’t let things bother her too much.

  Jules reappeared in the doorway a second later. “Yeah?”

  “I just wanted to thank you,” Carrie said, smiling broadly.

  Jules looked at her in confusion. “Thank me? I haven’t bought your present yet, Carrie,” she said, laughing.

  “No, I mean.” Carrie pulled in a breath. This was a long time coming. It was easy to see Jules as the kid sister. The free spirit. The one who fluttered through life without a care in the world. But she did care, didn’t she? About Tess. And Phoebe. And about Carrie. “Thank you, for bringing me here this Christmas. Thank you for…making us a family again.”

  “All I did was suggest we visit,” Jules said, but Carrie saw it differently.

  “No,” she insisted. “You encouraged me, and that’s more than just a suggestion. And you gave me the courage I needed to keep trying, even when I wanted to give up.”

  “And here I thought I was the one you all saw as the quitter,” Jules mumbled, but she struggled to fight off a smile as she looked at the floor.

  “Maybe we did once, maybe we didn’t understand. You may not live the most traditional path, but you’re a hustler, Jules. When you want something, you go for it. And you wanted this.” She gestured her arms around the table.

  Jules’s eyes went wide and she stared at her sisters for a long, silent moment, before a big grin spread over her face, all the way up to her shining eyes.

  “I think I may join you after all,” she said, walking over to grab a mug from a cabinet. “If you don’t mind.”

  “Mind?” Tess said. “Oh, honey, we never minded.”

  “Really?” Jules looked from Tess to Carrie. “I mean, the two of you have yo
ur lives together and I—”

  Carrie burst out laughing. “The two of us do not have our lives together, Jules. My boyfriend broke up with me after four years. After I told everyone I knew that we were getting married. After…” Oh God, the horror. She squeezed her eyes shut, just thinking of it now. “After my coworkers and class threw me a celebration party.”

  Tess’s eyes were huge now and Jules was trying not to laugh. “With cake and everything?” Jules asked.

  Carrie nodded miserably. “With cake. And a card.”

  Tess shook her head, chuckling, “Oh, Carrie.” But she reached out and took her hand, squeezed it hard. No judgment. Just understanding. Because she knew Carrie. Knew her from the time she was a little girl who used to lie on her bed and daydream. It was easy to get caught up in fantasies sometimes.

  “Well, you at least had a serious relationship. And you have a full-time job,” Jules pointed out.

  “I thought you never wanted a full-time job,” Tess remarked.

  Jules sighed. “I’ve realized that I do want that. I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”

  “It will come along,” Tess assured her.

  “I want to believe that. I…I don’t really like the lack of security that comes with never knowing when my next paycheck will be. And, I liked getting to know the people at the last job. I liked having a routine. It was, well, reassuring. Here I always thought it would be the opposite.”

  Tess nodded. She pulled in a sigh and glanced around the table. “I found out this week I wasn’t selected for the job I interviewed for, not that I’m surprised. I have next to no relevant qualifications. I’m a mom. I’m not even a wife anymore. And…I’m scared.”

  Her eyes brimmed with tears and Carrie was so astonished, it took a moment for her to react. It wasn’t like Tess to break down or cry or admit any weakness. She was a fighter. She was scrappy. Maybe even scrappier than Jules. But it was all a front. A wall that was finally coming down.