This Christmas

by Olivia Miles

  “Oh, honey.” Carrie stood up and crossed to Tess’s chair, reaching down to give her sister a good, long hug. She dropped onto the seat closer to Tess, and Jules took the opposite. “You are an excellent mother.”

  “I worry every day that something will happen to Phoebe, but at the same time all I want is to give her a normal childhood, and I’m failing.”

  “We didn’t have a normal childhood,” Jules said. “And look at us. Sure, you’re a helicopter mom and Carrie hitched her train to a guy who could never bring her happiness. And of course I can’t commit to anything without feeling like I’m having an anxiety attack. But we’re trying. We’re doing our best.”

  “And there were good parts,” Carrie said slowly. They’d come back to her, one by one, ever since she got off the bus at the Winter Lake station. “We had some happy times. And…I’d like to think that what we went through brought us closer. I’d like to stay close. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed us.”

  Lucas missed her, she thought. But what she missed, what she’d needed, was this. Her family. Her home. Her life.

  “I’m sorry if you thought we were hard on you, Jules,” Tess said through watery eyes. “I just wanted to look out for you. Set you on the right path. Like I do with Phoebe. But…I could learn a lot from you. I already have.”

  “Learn from me?” Jules blinked.

  Tess nodded. “You have a spirit to you, Jules. You know how to live. I think…I think that I’ll step back and let Phoebe have a little more fun. When I think back to some of the crazy stuff we did…well, it’s some of my fondest memories.”

  “Me too,” Carrie said, grinning.

  “I think we need to toast to more of those moments. And…more of these moments.” Jules gave them a mischievous grin and grabbed a bottle of champagne from the back of the fridge. “It is Christmas, after all,” she said.

  “And what a Christmas it is,” Tess said, grinning.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Tess

  It was going to be a white Christmas, not that there had been much doubt considering the snow had started before Thanksgiving and not let up since. Still, Tess couldn’t help but feel a little skip in her pulse when she opened the curtains on Saturday morning and looked out onto the winter wonderland spread before her, as far as the eye could see.

  Snowflakes swirled lazily from the sky, dropping onto the branches, creating a glistening blanket on the stretch of lawn.

  When she was younger, Tess loved this day the most, Christmas Eve, even if the anticipation she felt was mostly only tied to the hope of a gift or two, there was always something under the tree and wrapped. Somehow, no matter how bad things got or how dark her mother’s mood, she always managed to pull something together for the holiday—art kits or skates or a new sled, or pizza delivery, not exactly traditional but exciting all the same. It was one special day that Tess could count on to be better than the others all year. It was a time of hope.

  And even now, that hope still lingered, ingrained in her, even though she had thought that it was lost forever. But today, little bits of sadness crept in. She supposed it was inevitable, part of life. That somewhere along the way, even the best of days became bittersweet.

  She stepped away from the window and walked to the closet to grab a sweater. She could have chosen black or grey, her signature colors lately, but she decided to push herself, just a little, and reached for a red turtleneck instead. It was the same sweater she had worn last Christmas Eve, which she’d spent baking and prepping for a big family meal the next day, even if it was just the three of them—Andrew’s parents were staying in Arizona and her sisters were busy with their thing. Still, with only her and Andrew and Phoebe, they made the most of it, made it special, and that night when Phoebe had gone to bed and Andrew had eaten all of Santa’s cookies, they set her presents under the tree and then curled up on the couch together, content, happy, fulfilled.

  From downstairs she heard the peal of the doorbell, and she jumped, frowning as she considered who it might be. A delivery man with a package? But aside from Carrie, Andrew’s parents were the only ones who ever sent anything, and their gifts had arrived two weeks ago. Carrie and Jules had taken Phoebe into town to buy “something special” for Tess, which was something that Andrew used to do, not that Tess shared that. It was a thoughtful gesture, and more likely than not an opportunity for Jules to hurry up and buy everyone something, of course. Maybe they had come back early? Maybe they had forgotten the key? Except Phoebe knew the back door was always unlocked. This was Winter Lake. The safest place to be.

  Only right now she didn’t feel very safe. She felt nervous and…scared. What if it was Jeff, coming back to continue their conversation, to take back everything he had said yesterday, or to say that he had meant it?

  She considered this for a moment, not quite sure which would be worse.

  This house was her world, her safe place, her haven from the moment she had first stepped inside. It had been her first real home, and it was where she had been the happiest.

  And she wasn’t sure that she could let Jeff inside right now. She just didn’t know if there was room for him.

  The doorbell rang again. It was cold. She should let him in. Hear him out. But all she wanted to do was hide. Barricade the doors. Never go outside. Stay safe and warm and untouched.

  It rang again. Damn it! She hurried to the window, but from this angle she couldn’t see who was standing on the front porch. And from the sounds of it, they had no intention of going away.

  With a racing heart, she hurried down the stairs, thinking of what she would say when she opened the door and coming up with nothing. She’d tell him that now wasn’t a good time. Because it wasn’t. No time was good anymore. Well, except the time with Phoebe. And her sisters.

  And Jeff. Their time together was good. Maybe even the best. There was no denying that.

  She closed her eyes, her hand resting on the doorknob. And then, before she could lose her nerve, she pulled it open.

  She opened her mouth to say something—what, she didn’t know—except the man standing on her front porch was not Jeff at all. It was another man, slightly shorter, a little fuller in the face, with kind eyes and a slightly nervous smile.

  He looked familiar, but she couldn’t place where from.

  “I’m sorry. Do I know you?” she asked. She hoped it wasn’t one of those door-to-door sales people she would have to let down gently. Honestly, it was a holiday weekend!

  “I’m Aaron Taft,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “I’m a friend of Jules?”

  Of course! She’d met Aaron at Jules’s college graduation, taken a liking to his easy demeanor and quick wit right away. She hadn’t had a chance to talk with him much. He’d been off to lunch with his parents, and Phoebe wasn’t at an easy age, needing naps and snacks and distraction. But even then, from their brief interaction on the lawn before they’d all gotten on with their plans for the day, it was clear he was devoted to Jules. Clear in the way he looked at her, and smiled when she smiled. She’d asked Jules about him the moment he was out of earshot, but Jules had established quickly that they were only friends.

  “Jules isn’t here,” Tess said, opening the door wider. The poor kid was cold. “I’m her older sister, Tess. We met once.”

  His smile was warm. “I remember. And Jules talks about you all the time.”

  She did? Tess felt touched by that. But then she thought of her situation, and she hoped the conversation didn’t take a pitying turn. She glanced at Aaron, but his eyes were kind more than concerned, and she decided, just as she had the first time she met him, that she really liked this guy.

  That maybe, there were still good guys out there. That maybe, she hadn’t found the only one.

  “She just went into town, but she’ll be back soon if you want to wait?”

  “Thanks. So long as I’m not putting you out.”Aaron nodded and stepped inside the living room. “Nice decorations,” he said as he removed his
shoes and handed her his coat.

  Tess looked around the living room, from the tree that was lit in the window to the other items that her sisters had set up, and smiled. “Thank you,” she said.

  Her heart sank as she closed the door, realizing that Jeff had not come over. That Jeff may never come over again. That it hadn’t been him at the door at all.

  And that suddenly, she wished more than anything that it had been.

  “Coffee? Tea?”

  “I’m fine,” Aaron said, but he seemed nervous as he took a seat in the living room.

  “Jules didn’t mention you were coming,” Tess commented, not that she minded. It was just, well, typical of Jules to not share her plans or decide something at the last minute, on a whim.

  Aaron’s cheeks flushed and he studied the apple-scented candle on the center of the coffee table for a moment. “She doesn’t know I’m stopping by. It’s sort of…a surprise.”

  Tess felt her eyes pop and he couldn’t resist a smile. Was that so? Tess wanted desperately to ask him if he wanted to talk, or share his reasons for coming all the way to Vermont, but she got the impression that he was nervous, if the endless tapping of his foot gave anything away, and so she decided to distract him instead.

  “I have some old photo albums if you want to look through them while you wait,” she offered. “I’m sure there are a few of Jules in there.”

  His face lit up and she walked to the built-in bookcase that flanked the fireplace, her eyes landing on the last family photo she and Andrew had ever taken, last February, at the town’s annual Valentine’s Day dance, and took one of the albums from the shelf. She opened it, just to be sure, and out popped a picture of Jules, about Phoebe’s age, eating a slice of watermelon down at the lake.

  “That’s how I always think of her,” Tess said, smiling fondly.

  Aaron took the photo and looked at it, grinning. “That’s pretty much how I think of her too. Even if I wasn’t lucky enough to know her back then.”

  Tess watched Aaron for a moment, thinking of what Jeff had said just yesterday in his apartment. When the right one comes along, you just know it.

  But did she know it? And was there more than one right one?

  Suddenly, there was a loud noise from the back of the house and the sound of her sisters’ laughter filled the air. Aaron set the book down and sat up straight, and Tess, a little flustered, said, “I’ll go let her know you’re here!”

  She wasn’t quite sure what sort of reaction this would spark, or what circumstances had led to this visit, and she felt a little nervous as she smoothed her palms on her jeans and turned toward the kitchen. But before she could make any sort of official announcement about their guest, Jules walked into the room and halted in the doorway when she saw Aaron, now standing beside the couch.

  He thrust his hands into his pockets and then pulled them back out again. “I got your message.”

  Message? Well, this was interesting. It seemed that there was more going on with Jules than Tess had thought.

  Jules’s face was one of pure surprise, so much so that even Tess couldn’t tell if she was happy or sad, and was even more baffled when Jules did the unthinkable and burst into tears.

  Aaron, however, was smiling, all the way up to his eyes, that crinkled at the corners. And before Tess or Carrie could even steal their eyes away to glance at each other, Jules hurried across the room and planted a big kiss on Aaron’s mouth.

  “Don’t tell me you just did that because there’s mistletoe over our heads,” Aaron said.

  Jules was still crying. “I did it because I should have done it a long time ago.”

  Tess felt her own eyes brim and she looked over at Carrie, who was holding the hand of a mesmerized Phoebe.

  “That’s the way it’s supposed to be,” Carrie said quietly, when Tess joined her in the kitchen. “You had it with Andrew. And Jules has it too. I can only hope that there’s still a chance for me.”

  Tess thought back to her own rocky path that never could have been planned or expected and sighed heavily. She still didn’t know where her path was leading. Or how it would end. She just knew that along the way there were choices.

  “We should probably give them some time alone,” she said.

  “I’ll take Phoebe upstairs to wrap your gift,” Carrie said.

  Tess nodded. She felt out of sorts, and restless, like there was action she needed to take and she couldn’t think of how to do it. “I think I’ll use this time to get some of my shopping finished,” she said, walking to the mudroom to grab her coat and push into her snow boots.

  The walk to town was short, and for the first time all season, she was able to look around without feeling affronted—at the lights, the people, and the carolers who were standing at the intersection of Lake and Main, filling the air with holiday favorites.

  She’d made it. She’d survived. And maybe, just maybe, she had even turned a corner.

  The shops were open, and busy from what she could tell. It would seem that her family wasn’t the only one partaking in some last-minute gift buying. She decided to try the gift shop on Main first—they sold everything, and they might even have a star necklace.

  Candles were lit when she entered the shop, filling the space with a warm, spicy fragrance. She took her time, trying to enjoy a few moments of quiet, and peace, to clear her head and enjoy the beautiful objects around her. Maybe she could get a job in a store like this. Maybe it would actually do her some good to talk to people throughout the day, rather than staying home, alone, hiding from the outside world. Shutting out life. This last week, getting out, attending the festivals, living again, had made her feel better. But it hadn’t been easy.

  She found a table with earrings and bracelets, and heard her own gasp when she saw a single star necklace sitting in a box. She checked the price tag, feeling her heart sink in relief, and gripped it firmly. She couldn’t even fight off her smile. She’d done it. She’d pulled it off. She’d managed to give her daughter a good holiday, and that felt good. Really, really good.

  “You found it,” a voice behind her said just as she finished paying and set the small box in her handbag, so Phoebe wouldn’t get suspicious seeing her walking in the door holding shopping bags.

  Her senses prickled. She couldn’t avoid him forever, after all. Not in a town as small in Winter Lake.

  She turned, expecting some level of awkwardness, but all she saw in Jeff’s eyes was the same warmth that had comforted her these past ten months. They were the eyes of a person who had lived through what she had, every step of the way. They were the eyes of someone who knew her, and cared about her, and was connected to her, forever.

  And she wanted to believe in forever. She really, really did.

  She pulled in a breath. “It seemed like a strange request, but if she wanted it…”

  “Not a strange request,” Jeff said, holding the door for her.

  She passed through and tightened the scarf at her neck. “What do you mean?”

  He was walking beside her, his step in time with hers, and from the looks of it, he had no intention of dashing off. And that, she realized, made her happy. They’d been through a lot, the worst, really, and they were still in this together. Whatever it was.

  “I talk to Phoebe about Andrew sometimes,” Jeff said simply.

  Tess stopped, startled. She stared up at him, searching his face. Sure, she knew that Phoebe and Jeff chatted, but she assumed it was about school, how Phoebe spent her recess time, and other lighthearted stuff.

  “You do? But…” She swallowed hard. She didn’t know what to say, what to ask. “What does she say?”

  She braced herself, unsure if she wanted to hear it. To know her daughter’s pain. The pain that Phoebe didn’t always show at home.

  “She told me she misses him,” Jeff said. There was a frown line between his eyebrows, as if he wasn’t sure he should be telling her this, but that he wanted to. Needed to.

  “She doesn’t
say that to me,” Tess said, blinking back her confusion.

  “She’s looking out for you.” Jeff slipped her a grin. “Like mother, like daughter.”

  Tess shook her head, fighting back shame and regret. “I don’t want her to feel that burden. I…I did everything I could to be different. To give Phoebe the childhood I never had.”

  Jeff set two firm hands on her shoulders, and she felt her anxiety sink away. He was looking her straight in the eye, and much as she wanted to, she couldn’t glance away.

  “You’ve given Phoebe an amazing childhood, Tess. She knows you’re being strong for her. She sees everything you do for her. She’s a smart kid, that one.”

  “Like her father,” Tess said, giving a sad smile as she scuffed her toe against the salt on the sidewalk. She sniffed and looked up at him. “What else does she say?”

  “Not much,” Jeff said. “But one time I told her that every time she misses him, she should look up at the sky, and know that he’s up there, looking down on her. I wanted her to know that he’s always with her, you know. He’s always with all of us, Tess. He always will be.”

  Tess felt the lump rise in her throat that she couldn’t push back. The stars. Of course. “Thank you,” she managed.

  “I didn’t have a chance to tell you yesterday that I sort of bought her a telescope. I don’t know if a girl her age would like that sort of thing, but I thought she could look up and—”

  “Are you kidding me? It’s thoughtful. And generous. And…it’s perfect,” Tess whispered, swallowing hard. She shouldn’t have expected anything less.

  “I sort of got you a little something too,” he said, giving her a long look.

  Tess stiffened. She still hadn’t bought gifts for her sisters. Or for Jeff.

  “Jeff, you’ve given me enough,” she started to say, but he held up a hand, stopping her.

  He reached into his pocket and held out a piece of paper. He opened his mouth as if to say something and then thought better of it. He held it out to her.