What Sara Said

by Carrington, M. L.

  Completely disarmed by Jude’s intoxicating touch, Sara lost herself with him. She didn’t quite know how they came to be lying together on the couch, but Sara’s purple scrubs slid effortlessly off her waist while Jude slipped off his shirt and pants. The sight of his bare chest and six-pack abs turned her on even more. Sara patiently waited with anticipation as he tenderly followed the curves along the side of her abdomen with his index finger, planting a trail of tiny kisses as he moved along. Jude slid his fingers beneath the lace band of the underwear that matched the bra already lying on the floor. He eased them down below her hips revealing a long, horizontal scar about an inch below her naval. “I don’t remember this from the last time I touched you here,” he remarked in a reverential tone while tracing the scar.

  It was yet another one of her imperfections. “C-section with Jake,” Sara quietly stated with embarrassment, and then nudged Jude’s hand away from the scar.

  “Let me. Please? It’s part of who you are. I want to know every inch of you now as intimately as I know your heart,” Jude pleaded softly. Sara nodded and he continued along the scar with gentle kisses.

  Sometime early in the chaos of their careless love-making, Jude asked Sara, “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes,” she exhaled without hesitation while firmly taking hold of his hard shaft and massaged it with her hand. It felt liberating, allowing her quelled emotions their time to breathe. No longer did she feel the suffocation of self-control, and she savored the moment of complete ecstasy hoping that it would never end.

  “I love you,” he said as he pushed himself inside her with deep and satisfying thrusts, each one taking her breath away, just as they had when they first made love over a decade ago. Every feature of his body was familiar and yet somehow new. He’d grown from the youthful softness of adolescence into the firmness and sophistication of a man. Regardless, making love with Jude felt comfortable to Sara. Like a swimmer diving into the early summer water after going a long winter without, their embrace was so familiar to her, as if they’d never been apart. Consumed by an emotional rollercoaster with moments of both gentle intimacy and wildly erotic passion, they made love in his office for over an hour on the sleek leather sofa, hardwood floor and soft upholstered chair.

  When it was all over, and they had time to think about what they’d done, Sara and Jude agreed that their act together was immoral, but they knew it would not be long before it occurred again.

  12. Rumination

  Early the next morning, the phone rang on the kitchen wall of Jude’s three-bedroom townhouse in an upscale development, which was about five miles from his office. Jude knew instantly that it was most likely his father calling since he was the only person that still called him at his home landline number. Jude intended to get a line installed in the bedroom so that he didn’t have to run downstairs to the kitchen every time Dad called, but hadn’t yet gotten around to marking that item off the project list. He rolled out of bed and rushed down to the kitchen to retrieve the phone.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “Hi. It’s me,” a voice grumbled.

  “Hi Dad,” he replied as he shot a tired glance across the room at the display on the microwave. “It’s six-forty in the morning. Is everything alright?

  “Yeah. I just wanted to let you know I’m not nauseated today and I can go to church.”

  “Oh,” Jude sighed. Although he was still on a bit of a high, remembering how he’d made love with Sara less than twenty-four hours earlier, he wasn’t feeling particularly holy this Sunday. In fact, he was feeling rather guilty and a bit annoyed that his father awoke him from sleep where he was free of the battle that held him captive between his heart and mind. “Okay, I guess I’ll pick you up around eight-thirty and we’ll head over. See you then.”

  “Right. Bye,” Tom said just before Jude ended the call and returned the phone to its receiver.

  Jude drove his silver Lexus LS eight miles from his townhouse to his childhood home and picked up his father. Conversation during the ride to St. Mark’s Church was sparse and Tom noticed that Jude seemed pre-occupied. Tom understood his son well. He knew about Jude’s unique ability, and he didn’t usually question when Jude was quiet or deep in thought because he suspected that it was part of a processing of some sort. But as they drove in silence toward the church, Tom noticed something different about Jude’s disposition. Instead of being focused, he seemed sullen and withdrawn. “What’s going on?” Tom asked, finally breaking the silence.

  “What do you mean?” Jude replied.

  “You look like your dog just died or something.”

  “It’s nothing, Dad. I’m just thinking about a couple at my office,” Jude dismissed Tom’s comment. He had no interest in lying to his father, nor did he want to get into the details of his affair.

  “Oh. Okay,” Tom said. It was clear to him that Jude didn’t want to talk about whatever was on his mind so he decided to let it go.

  When they arrived, Jude assisted his father out of the car and into the stunning church. They made their way down the long center aisle amid decades-old oak pews and beneath two-story high gothic arches. An organist played as they sat beside one another in a pew about halfway down the aisle. Mass began shortly after their arrival.

  During the homily, Jude reviewed the Mass program and church bulletin. Taking notice of the confessional hours that were listed, he wondered if talking to a priest might provide him with some guidance. It was difficult for Jude to focus on the service and he prayed silently for clarity of the struggle in his mind.

  Around nine-thirty that Sunday morning, Sara donned her running pants, a bright pink long-sleeved running top and her running shoes, and went for a two-mile run through her neighborhood. She jogged along the quiet streets passing large wood-sided and brick homes, each meticulously landscaped and decorated appropriately for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. Sunday was the only day of the week that Sara was able to fit a run into her schedule without securing a babysitter. The air was cool, but a comfortable temperature for running, and the snow that coated the ground the day before had melted overnight as a warm front moved in. Sara listened to songs from a playlist that she’d created in the late spring titled, “No excuses” and checked the running app on her phone periodically to gauge her distance along the run. She cursed under her breath and spat self-deprecating remarks when the distance was far less than she’d hoped, but shortly thereafter, a voice inside her head encouraged her to keep moving. She vacillated between the extremes until she’d reached her goal of two miles. Her focus frequently shifted from the distance she travelled to thoughts of Jude. She enjoyed recalling the intimate moments and lovemaking they shared in his office the day before, and how complete she felt with him. Thinking of Jude proved to be a useful distraction during the challenging run. When she finished two miles, she began a cool down walk, opened the texting app on her phone and tapped a message to Jude.

  Thinking of you.

  Shortly after communion, Jude’s phone chimed in his pocket creating an echo in the vast space of the church while the priest spoke a traditional post-communion prayer. Embarrassed that he’d forgotten to silence his phone before Mass started, Jude promptly pulled the phone from his pocket and switched it to vibrate mode. The LED on his phone blinked indicating that he’d received a text message. His heart quickened when he saw that the text was from Sara and he immediately swiped to reveal her message. Jude smiled faintly knowing that Sara was thinking of him. For a few moments he considered what his response would be and texted her back.

  Thinking of you, too. How are you?

  At the end of her street, Sara paused and sat under a large maple tree, which stood tall and barren on the corner of the playground. She often brought Jake and Lexi there to play during the week but it had been several weeks since they’d visited because the weather was much cooler now. Dead leaves crunched underneath her legs and behind as she nestled into a curve at the base of the tree. She thought a
bout what Jude might be doing at that moment. Is he as completely on a cloud as I am? Sara wondered. There was no hesitation in reading Jude’s text when it appeared, and she quickly tapped another message to him.

  Imagining you’re here, holding me. I wouldn’t have to say how I am… you’d just know. Still trying to wrap my head around yesterday. But mostly feeling incredible. You?

  Sara stared at the screen on her phone, waiting for a reply. Her phone chimed and she immediately read the message from Jude.

  Same here. With Dad in church now. Wish we could talk more.

  Me too. Maybe this week? Sara suggested.

  Lunch at my office on Wednesday? I’ll order from the Bistro.

  Perfect. I’ll get a sitter. CU then.

  Looking forward to it. ;-)

  Warm sweat along Sara’s hairline and lower back became chilled from the cool air. A light breeze blew across her face and she started to shiver. Sara rose from the earth’s floor where she was nestled against the tree and started walking back toward her house. With her mind now focused on securing a babysitter so that a lunch date with Jude would not be foiled, Sara launched the dialer application on her phone and called her parents’ house. The phone rang three times before Sara’s mother picked up.

  “Hello?” Sharon answered.

  “Hi Mom. It’s Sara.”

  “Oh. Hi dear. What’s up?”

  “Not much. Just went out for a run. Actually, I’m still out now just walking.”

  “I see. It’s awfully cold today for a run, isn’t it? How are those grandbabies of mine doing? I was thinking of stopping in this week after Jake’s nap for a visit.”

  “Sure, if you want to stop by, that’d be okay. Actually, I was wondering if you might be able to come over on Wednesday morning around eleven-thirty to watch Jake. An old friend invited me out to lunch.”

  “This Wednesday? I can do that. I have an appointment to get my hair done at three. Should I reschedule?”

  “No, no. I should be back by one-thirty at the latest. You sure you don’t mind?”

  “Of course not! I don’t see those kids enough and it’s good for you to get out! Isn’t that what your momma’s for?”

  “Okay, thanks Mom. I’ll see you Wednesday and we’ll catch up when I get back. Love you.”

  “Sounds good! Love you, too. Bye!”

  13. Grace

  The next day, Sara awoke early in the morning to the sound of the zipper closing on Eric’s suitcase, which rested on the bed beside her. She rolled over and moaned.

  “Sorry,” Eric whispered, “didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Hmm. Have a safe flight,” Sara grumbled.

  “Thanks. I’ll text you when I land in San Francisco. Bye.” Eric pulled the suitcase from the bed and walked out of the room.

  “Love you,” Sara muttered under her breath as Eric closed the door behind him. He can’t even say that he loves me? Sara thought. What the fuck? Sara began to wonder if all couples who’d been married for as long as they had, only eight years, took each other for granted as much as she felt she was. She thought back to the last time she and Eric kissed passionately, like she and Jude had recently kissed. She tried to think of the last time they made love the way that she and Jude made love just two days earlier. And the truth was, Sara realized that she and Eric had never made love or kissed in such a manner. The connection that Sara and Jude shared was extraordinary, no doubt. Sara wondered if, perhaps, it was Jude’s ability that made their connection seem so remarkable. Was it possible that any woman Jude loved might feel the same way as she did? Or was Sara unique – as in, Jude’s soul mate? She was anxious to talk with Jude and longed to feel him close to her again.

  Later that afternoon, Sara carried Jake upstairs to the nursery and changed his diaper. She gently rocked in the glider rocking chair until he was asleep. Glancing at the monitor resting on the dresser to ensure that it was turned on, she quietly stood up and placed Jake in his crib. And after carefully tucking a blanket over him, she slipped out of the room.

  Sara walked downstairs, across the main foyer through a set of French doors and into the office where her laptop rested on an antique oak desk. It took no time at all for the laptop to boot and she quickly opened the email application. She scrolled to an email from her boss with the subject “Additional hours for per diems” and clicked it open. It read:

  To: Sara Preen

  From: Janet Dayton

  Date: November 24

  Subject: Additional hours for per diems

  All per diem staff,

  As many of you know, our patient census is currently at a high. We have received approval from the finance department to increase our staff by 1.0 FTE. If possible, I’d like to meet the demand by filling slots with per diems instead of hiring on a full time staffer. Please let me know if you are interested in working a 4- or 8-hour shift, Monday through Friday.

  Thank you,

  Janet Dayton, M.S., R.N.

  Nursing Manager

  For a moment, Sara considered the pros and cons of adding hours to her work schedule. Over the last several months, Sara felt a growing desire to spend time with other moms or adults with similar interests. She felt as though her presence in the lives of others was no more significant than that of being a diaper changer and meal preparer for her children. That is, until Jude came back into her life. Regardless, she started to believe that, perhaps, taking on more hours at the hospital would be good for her. The additional spending money would be nice, too, although Eric provided all that she needed financially.

  With little hesitation, Sara replied to Janet’s email indicating that she felt as though she could handle two, four-hour shifts per week in addition to her ten hour weekend shift. Then, Sara launched her web browser and logged into her Facebook account. She posted the following status:

  Looking for a reputable nanny to watch Jake 1-2 days per week. Any suggestions?

  Early that evening, Sara’s cell phone chimed as it rested on the granite counter in the kitchen while she prepared a dinner of chicken and pasta for Lexi and Jake.

  “Mommy, no sauce on my pasta!” Lexi demanded as she ran past the kitchen island.

  “Yes, Lexi,” Sara replied and then retrieved her phone to see who’d messaged her. It was a message from Eric indicating that he’d landed safely. She quickly tapped out a message.

  Glad you’re safe. Gotta run. Getting dinner for the kids.

  Sara returned the phone to the counter and continued preparing dinner. Eric sent a reply message, but Sara didn’t bother to look at what the message said. Still holding a bit of a grudge over his lack of affection toward her earlier, Sara was disinterested in talking with Eric.

  Lexi shared stories of what she’d learned in school about Pilgrims and Indians while Sara spoon-fed Jake pureed sweet potatoes and applesauce for dinner. Afterward, Sara gave Lexi and Jake each a bath and tucked them into bed.

  By nine o’clock Sara was exhausted, but she decided to treat herself to a glass of wine before settling into bed for the evening. Sara descended into the basement wine cellar and selected a bottle of 2013 Joseph Carr Cabernet Sauvignon from a rack, which held roughly sixty bottles of various wines, a majority of which were reds from California, Italy and Chile. She climbed the stairs to the first floor, poured herself a generous glass of wine and entered the office for the second time that day.

  Sara opened the laptop on the desk in the office and began to scan through her email. There were several messages from colleagues in response to her boss’ request for per diem staff. She immediately noticed an email from Janet, which indicated that she could put Sara on the weekday schedule as early as next week. Sara quickly logged back into her Facebook account to see if any of her friends had responded to her inquiry. Surprisingly, she had a list of five nannies to contact, and there were several other comments from her friends on the Facebook thread suggesting that they would email her with contact information for other nannies. It occurred to Sara in
that moment that she hadn’t even talked with Eric about her decision to increase her work hours. She left momentarily to grab her phone from the counter in the kitchen and then returned to the office. Sara sipped on a glass of cabernet and sent a message to Eric.

  My boss is looking for per diems to work weekday shifts. Think it’ll be good for me. Could interview nannies this week. Thoughts?

  Eric replied within a few minutes. More hours? Thought you were getting sick of the place?

  I was, but I need to get out of the house and be with adults. I need to do more than change diapers and do laundry.

  I guess it’s okay. You can always quit if you don’t like it, right?

  Yeah, I suppose.

  Fine with me. I’ve gotta go now. Sorry. Exhausted from the travel.

  Traveling makes you tired? I’d love to know what that kind of tired feels like! Sara thought to herself, but decided not to let the anger fester for the evening and sent one last message to Eric. Np. Gnight.

  Nite.

  Sara’s glass was nearly empty by the end of their texting conversation and her head felt a bit lighter and numb. Sara considered calling Jude but decided that she might be too uninhibited and went upstairs to bed instead.

  The next day, Sara scheduled afternoon and evening interviews for three of the five nannies she had recommendations for. The first nanny was a 36 year-old stay-at-home mother whose four children were all in school, which meant that she was available between nine o’clock in the morning and two o’clock in the afternoon. The second nanny was an 18 year-old part-time college student who was available everyday but only in the afternoon. The third nanny was an older woman named Grace, probably in her late 60’s, who’d been a nanny for various local families over the past 30 years. She’d never married or had children, but said that she treated the children she watched like they were her own family. During her interview, Grace explained to Sara that she’d recently become unemployed after the family that she worked for during the last six years had relocated to another state. Despite her very proper appearance, she was soft-spoken, thoughtful and witty, which reminded Sara of her own grandmother.