What Sara Said

by Carrington, M. L.

  With swollen eyes that burned with sorrow, Sara continued to sob while she drove home from Jude’s townhouse. The crisp air of winter that had not yet dissolved inside the car numbed her cheeks and soothed her eyelids as she maneuvered her vehicle through slippery, snow-covered roads. It took several minutes for the engine to blast warm air, finally thawing her fingertips and face.

  Sara’s car slid as it approached a red traffic light, stopping just a few feet into the intersection. She stared blankly at the road ahead of her, only vaguely aware of the objects in her peripheral vision. Her focus on the dilemma remained steadfast. She arched her back and cocked her head to get a view of the light and watched as it turned green. With robotic-like reflexes, Sara immediately pressed on the gas pedal. Her tires spun for a moment and then took hold of the pavement beneath them sending the car lurching forward. She continued to drive another two miles in a trance-like state. Sara’s car accelerated, the back end of it fishtailing around small curves in the road. Her apparent lack of control over the vehicle didn’t seem to faze her. She continued to forge on until she glanced at her speedometer and realized she was traveling at a rate of fifty miles per hour on a road with a speed limit of forty. As the car approached another curve, she pressed firmly on the brakes, which caused the vehicle to fishtail again. Suddenly, headlights blinded her puffy eyes and Sara heard the sound of another vehicle’s horn blaring as it slammed into the side of her sliding vehicle with a deafening impact.

  It was only a tiny fraction of that moment in time just before impact, that Sara suddenly felt all at once, every emotion she had ever experienced during her twenty-nine years of life. Every nerve ending in her youthful, energized body worked double-time and she was keenly aware of her hypersensitivity during that brief moment.

  The impact was stunning, and for a few seconds there was no sound at all. Everything seemed to occur in slow motion as her mind attempted to understand what had happened.

  Initially, there was no pain. No tactile sensation at all. Sara’s body felt as if it was suspended in a weightless state. But as she tried to right her limp head from its resting place on her shoulder, she felt a stabbing pain that radiated from the base of her skull to her tailbone. No longer weightless, her head felt astonishingly heavy, impossible to move. She sat immobilized gazing across her field of vision, and as the powdery white cloud began to dissipate, she couldn’t help but notice how absolutely serene and peaceful the snow looked glistening in the light of the streetlamp as it fell through the evening air outside her window.

  The space that moments ago was warm and thick, became frigid with the crisp air of winter as it seeped through the openings of twisted metal and broken glass. Exposed, Sara shivered. Her only comfort was in the warmth of the blood that trailed along her hairline from the top of her head toward the corner of her mouth. The silence of her cocoon rapidly diminished as muffled noise flooded in. Sara’s heart pounded in her ears, accelerating with every passing second as she panicked. Her short, panting breaths quickly morphed into long, agonizing wheezes. The tightening in her chest was relentless. It was frightening and more painful than any childbearing experience she’d endured. Sara thought about her children and the recent news of her pregnancy, which had taken her completely by surprise. Seconds passed and her mind drifted. She was fading quickly. Nearly lifeless and confused, she felt her body sink along with her heart as her mind descended through muddled memories of falling in love once, and then falling in love again.

  It was Valentine’s Day.

  18. Eric and Jude

  For seven days Eric sat beside Sara as she lay motionless in a hospital bed at the very hospital where she’d worked. It was the same hospital where Eric held Sara’s hand as she labored for hours and painfully birthed their two children. And it was the same hospital where Sara comforted and grieved with Eric while his mother breathed her final breaths. Eric felt as though he was in some sort of awful movie and he couldn't help predicting the worst possible ending. He was drained and exhausted. The days blurred into one another and it took him a long, strained moment to realize that it was Saturday.

  Every detail of the room they occupied was etched in Eric’s mind like the epitaph on a grave. The pink and blue floral wallpaper that was pasted to the walls and peeling at its seams provided little comfort to the melancholy atmosphere in the room. There was a rhythmic hum from the compression device that encased Sara’s leg to reduce the swelling, and the stink of breakfast remnants permeated the room from the adjacent hallway. Nurses and doctors busied themselves, completing forms for patient records and chattering aside rolling computer stations in the hallways of the intensive care unit.

  Eric’s mind drifted in and out of sleep as lethargy overtook him. An alarm went off in the room across the hall that startled him awake.

  Since her accident the previous week, Eric found himself completely at Sara’s mercy. He prayed to a god that he didn't believe existed that she would awake, perfect and unaffected. Staring at her, so beautiful in spite of her injuries, Eric was reminded of how she captivated him when they first met. Memories of their courtship filled with laughter, love and excitement flashed through his head. He remembered the youth and ambition in her face. Though her beauty was ever present, the ambition and enthusiasm were gone. Eric remembered the day they’d met nearly ten years earlier while in their last year of college at Sacred Heart University. He was attending a concert in the Pitt Center on campus with some friends when he tripped and fell into Sara, knocking her to the floor as he walked toward the restroom during intermission. Eric remembered his embarrassment, and how kind Sara was to him despite the bruises that the fall was certain to leave behind. He offered to make it up to her by inviting her out for a drink after the concert. To his surprise, Sara agreed. Several hours passed while they talked over drinks at a bar in town that was nearly empty. During the entire time they spent together, Eric was in awe of both her beauty and her grace. Sara seemed to exude ambition and compassion. Her laughter was contagious, and Eric wanted the evening to last forever.

  But so much of Sara’s personality seemed different now. Eric searched his memories, like flipping through a photo album, trying to find when it was that she changed. He wondered whether it was some time during the sleepless nights of early motherhood. Or perhaps it was in the long hours at the end of the day while waiting for him to arrive home. Is this why she kept her pregnancy from me? Eric wondered.

  Over the last couple of years, it seemed as though Eric and Sara had been merely cohabiting. They were partners in life, but disconnected. Even intercourse had been no more than an item to check off on the list of things that married couples are supposed to do, and over time, they’d lost the passion. They’d lost each other. Like brothers on a hotel bed, they’d been sleeping beside each other, night after night, disengaged and disinterested.

  For years Eric struggled to find a balance between his work and home lives. It seemed like no matter what he did, it was never enough. He thought he was giving Sara the life she yearned for - to stay at home with the children, to not have to worry about finances, and to have every material thing her heart desired. But Eric was wrong. Terribly wrong. Spending countless hours in the hospital, while Sara lay in a drug-induced coma, provided Eric with plenty of time to analyze their marriage. He realized that she needed him to do more than provide her with the material things in life. She needed him to provide her with endless love. Truthfully, Eric wanted that for himself as well. Guilt consumed him. He mourned the loss of their happy life together and the loss of the child they would have had.

  Eric placed his head at Sara’s side on the bed and held her hand in his. Her hand felt hot and swollen. “Please, come back to me,” he whispered, “I love you Sara. I'm sorry. I know that we've lost track of each other. We don't know each other like we used to. We've lost our way but I want to find it again. I want to find us. I need to find us. Please, Sara, come back to me and I promise we'll do whatever it takes to get back what we had.
You are my everything. My world cannot exist without you in it. Please.”

  A flood of tears streamed down Eric’s face as he sobbed uncontrollably. He became so consumed with sorrow that it was difficult to breathe, which eventually quieted his tears. Eric reached for a tissue to dry his face and blow his nose. His eyes burned as he strained to focus on the clock that ticked away on the wall. It was 4:34 pm. Eric realized that Grace would probably arrive soon with the children to visit Sara. Eric regained his composure, but couldn't shake the feeling that he somehow failed in life, and was determined to correct his failure.

  There was a shallow knock on the door followed by a deep voice, “Excuse me?” Eric looked toward the door to see a thirty-something year-old man wearing glasses standing tentatively at the threshold.

  “Yes?” Eric acknowledged.

  “Um... I'm Dr. Warner,” he said. “My dad is one of your wife's patients and she's an old friend. I'd heard she was in a car accident?”

  “Oh... yeah. Thanks for stopping by,” Eric said, somewhat confused. It seemed odd to Eric that a patient’s son would visit, but then again, he reasoned that Sara had a very nurturing disposition and cared for her patients like they were her family.

  “My dad has become quite fond of the care your wife has been giving him, and he's been asking about her but the nurses wouldn't give us any info. You know, the privacy policy and all.”

  “Oh right.”

  “I'm sorry to interrupt.”

  “No, no... some company might be good. I'm sorry, what did you say your name was again?”

  The man stepped further into the room and offered his hand, “Dr. Warner. You can call me Jude, though.”

  “Jude? I think I've heard her mention your name. You're old friends?”

  “Yes, from high school.”

  “Oh. Nice to meet you,” Eric said, extending his hand into the empty space between them.

  “And you, too. So, do you mind if I ask how she’s doing?” Jude questioned. But as they shook hands, Jude's face became flush, his eyes glossy and crimson.

  “Well, she’s…” Eric sighed and then offered Jude the details of her condition. “We’re still waiting for her to come out. They have her in a drug-induced coma. The doctors say she has a good chance of a full recovery, but she'll need a few weeks of physical therapy to get walking normally. They’re going to try to bring her out today or tomorrow.”

  “Oh, yeah?... that's good. Okay. Thanks,” he stuttered a bit before turning toward the door. “I've gotta go. I'll tell my dad. Nice to meet you,” Jude said and he hurried out the door.

  That was strange, Eric thought. Just then, the cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled the phone from his pocket and looked at the display to see that it was Grace calling. “Hello?” he answered.

  “Hello. Mr. Preen? This is Grace.”

  “Hi Grace. How are the kids doin’?”

  “They’re perfect angels. I was just calling to see if you still wanted me to bring them up to see Sara today.”

  “Yes, of course. Please do. I think they’ll want to see her. She’s not out of it yet, though… just so you know.”

  “I understand.”

  “Okay, so I’ll see you in twenty minutes?”

  “We’ll be there.”

  ------------

  Jude’s mind spun like a child's top, going round and round, hypnotic almost. Breathing was difficult. As if a dagger pierced his chest, everything felt tight, and his stomach churned while he drove home from the hospital. He pulled off to the side of the road and opened the door to vomit.

  Perhaps visiting Eric at the hospital was a mistake, but Jude couldn't bear to not know how Sara was doing. If only he knew she would be okay. And their baby. Oh, God, our baby. My baby, he thought. All he needed was that handshake to know. Jude sensed in Eric's heart the hope and faith that Sara would pull through. But he also felt Eric’s unending love and adoration for her, and the heartache of loss. That sort of heartache was unmistakable. Jude had felt it before in others. It was the sort of heartache that arises with the loss of a child. Helpless in Sara’s womb, the baby was a child of God now, but Jude found little solace in the thought of his baby as an angel.

  Grief took precedence over every other emotion and Jude was momentarily paralyzed. God is punishing me for what I've done; for abusing my gift; for losing self control and indulging in the affair, he thought. Jude believed that his anguish must be punishment for creeping like a thief and stealing Sara’s heart from Eric. What had he done? How could he be so foolish and selfish? Jude continued chastising himself, but consistently returned to the one fact that he could not deny. He had always loved Sara and no matter what, he would continue to love her. Their souls were intangibly bound together in a manner that seemed to transcend physical reality.

  Jude found his way home, although he didn't recall the drive, the roads traveled or even getting out of the car. Withdrawn, he stumbled through the doorway of the townhouse and collapsed onto the couch. Is it even possible to force my heart to forget? Jude wondered. How was he able to live his life before without Sara in it? Jude lay heavily on the couch, mentally and physically exhausted. Darkness surrounded him as night fell and slumber overcame him.

  Standing at the edge of a playground surrounded by the joyful squeals and laughter of children, Jude called out, “Julianna!”

  His heart felt full, a sensation he’d never experienced before. A beautiful little girl appeared at his side, bearing a resemblance to Sara, with her long brown hair and large green eyes.

  “Daddy, daddy! Throw the ball! Throw it! Throw it!” the little girl urged while tugging at Jude’s pant leg. He looked down and noticed a large, bright orange ball wobbling at his feet. Julianna skipped away allowing her pink sundress to float as the air rushed by her. Jude bent over and picked up the ball. He threw it high in the air and watched as the wind took it past Julianna’s reach. The ball landed on the grass, continuing to roll. Julianna's eyes remain fixed on the ball while she followed its path onto the sidewalk and into the street.

  “No, Julianna! No!” Jude screamed, but his voice was silent. He could hear only the pounding of his heart in his head. Panic devoured him. The entire scene slowed in motion. Julianna shrieked while a black SUV approached her, suddenly waking Jude from the dream. Drenched in his own sweat and panting like a dog, he shook his head to rid it of the nightmare. It was 1:43 am.

  Restless sleep brought meager lucidity to Jude’s mind. He took a hot shower with the hope that clarity would ensue, and then slid naked under the cold and empty covers of his bed, eventually drifting back to sleep.

  19. Awake

  Water. Sara needed water. All she could think of when she first awoke was that she needed water. Her mouth was painfully dry. Eric sat in a chair beside the hospital bed. Sara understood that she was in a hospital but couldn’t remember how she’d gotten there. What's going on? Sara wondered and suddenly felt an intense throbbing in her leg. Her face felt tight and bloated.

  “What happened?” Sara tried to speak but very little sound came out.

  “Sara? You’re awake? Sara?” Eric's voice was clear and anxious.

  A sharp pain shot up Sara’s back between her shoulder blades as she tried to nod her head. “What happened?” she mouthed again, her voice breaking through better the second time.

  “Oh thank God! You’re awake!” Eric exhaled with relief.

  “Water. I need water,” Sara begged.

  Unsure of whether it was okay to give Sara anything to drink, Eric soaked a clean washcloth with water from a pitcher that rested on a tray table beside the bed and held it to her lips. “Here, this might help until the nurse comes in. Do you remember anything?”

  Sara shook her head slightly to say “no” as she gently sucked on the washcloth. Though it had a chlorinated and metallic taste, the drops of cold water she was able to suck from it soothed her dry mouth. She had so many questions but she lacked the strength and clarity needed to speak in tha
t moment. Her head spun in circles.

  “You were in a car accident. It was snowing. You’ve been out for a while,” he continued, “and the doctors said you have a good chance of recovering completely. It's a good thing you were wearing your seat belt. The police said that's what kept you from going through the windshield. Probably saved your life. You have a concussion, and your spine took a beating but everyone says you'll be fine with physical therapy.” Eric took a moment to consider his next words, “Sara, you scared me. I thought I'd lost you.”

  “I'm here.” Sara muttered, attempting to console him.

  Eric grinned, “I don’t know what I’d do without you. These last eight days… they’ve been the longest and scariest of my life.” Fear resonated in Eric’s voice, making Sara aware of just how serious the accident was.

  “Eight days?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You’ve been here this whole time?” she questioned, her voice still weak and raspy.

  “I couldn’t leave your side, Sara,” he answered. There was a look of intense devotion in his eyes that Sara had not seen in years.

  “Work?”

  “Fuck work. It’s not important.”

  “Oh,” Sara wasn’t sure how to respond to Eric’s statement. He was typically so wrapped up in his job that it seemed unusual for him to cast it aside so willingly. She suddenly became aware of the increasing throbbing in her head and decided not to press further.

  “There's something else, hun,” his voice grew solemn. “The baby…” he said shaking his head from side to side, quietly indicating that the baby did not survive the accident.

  Tears welled in Sara’s eyes and she began to float. She struggled to breathe, feeling as if she was suffocating. Her mind reeled, darting from one thought to the next. I was pregnant, Sara thought and her memory suddenly began to filter in. Jude. Does Eric know about Jude? Does Jude know about the accident? About me? About the baby? My baby. She felt as though she was on a merry-go-round and couldn't find her way off. When once she struggled with the notion of keeping the baby, now the idea that she’d lost the pregnancy made her sick. She yearned for the child she would never hold in her arms. It became more difficult for her to breathe.