What Sara Said

by Carrington, M. L.

  “Good,” she murmured.

  “Belly ache gone?”

  “Yep.”

  Relieved, Sara suggested that Lexi get up and dressed. Sara would need to call the school to inform them of Lexi’s absence for the day and it was likely that Jake would awake soon as well.

  The aroma of coffee and a toasted onion bagel wafted up the stairs as Sara helped Lexi get into her clothes. Eric was still at home eating breakfast before heading out the door for work. The scent made Sara feel nauseated and she wondered if, perhaps, she caught whatever bug had gotten into Lexi’s system.

  Sara peered into Jake’s room to see that he was still sound asleep. Good, she thought. She had enough time to take a quick shower. “I’ll be out in a little while, Lexi. Play in your room while I shower,” she advised.

  Hot water streamed down Sara’s face and body while she stood, slowly bathing herself. She felt incredible fatigue. Rather suddenly, intense nausea overcame her. Dripping wet, Sara fumbled out of the shower and almost missed the toilet as she vomited into it. “Ahh... shit!” she sniveled. She did catch Lexi’s bug. Unfortunately, her body’s attempt to rid itself of her stomach contents made Sara feel only slightly better. With Lexi home, a toddler to care for and feeling sick herself, it was going to be a very long day.

  Sara couldn’t remember the last time she was sick with a stomach bug. Being a nurse exposed her to germs of many varieties, most of which she’d developed immunity to. She flushed the toilet and hastily wiped up the puddles of water from the floor with Eric’s bath towel, then tossed it aside. She brushed her teeth and gargled with minty mouth rinse to eliminate any remnants of what her body had done to her.

  Later that afternoon while Lexi was watching a cartoon on the television and Jake was safely secured in his play yard in the playroom, Sara carelessly folded laundry, separating the clothing into piles. She hung a few of Eric’s work shirts on hangers and took them upstairs to the master bedroom closet to put away. Sara scooped up the last pile of laundry from Eric’s hamper with her arms and took the clothes to the laundry room. Tossing each article one-by-one into the washing machine, she discovered a pair of light gray dress pants at the bottom of the pile that she’d not seen for several weeks. They belonged to Sara. That’s where they were. She noticed a small, faded blood stain along the top of the inseam, the result of a failed tampon. Sara recalled that the stain appeared when she last wore them to a holiday party about eight weeks earlier. Wait! Has it really been eight weeks since my last period? she panicked. Suddenly, her symptoms began to make sense.

  Oh. My. God, she thought.

  17. A Peanut and the Impact

  A teapot full of boiling water whistled on the stove in the kitchen. Sara quickly took the pot off and poured herself a cup of hot water while she watched the morning news. The weatherman recited his forecast with both a serious and excited tone, “… A winter storm warning is in effect later today through Sunday morning. Most of our viewers can expect light snow to begin falling early this afternoon, with heavier snow developing into the evening hours.”

  Sara sat at the kitchen island mindlessly dipping a tea bag up and down in the mug of water and only half-listened to the remainder of the forecast. “Snowfall accumulations are still uncertain as we continue to watch this storm, but we believe that most of our viewing area can expect to see twelve to eighteen inches of snowfall when the storm winds down sometime tomorrow morning. We’ll have more coverage later in the newscast.”

  Sara flicked the television off with the remote. The house was quiet and peaceful. She contemplated eating a slice of bread for breakfast, but decided against it. With her hand placed over her abdomen, Sara whispered to her belly, “What are you doing to me, peanut?” The thought of food made her stomach feel queasy and Sara didn’t think she’d be able to keep anything down. She’d confirmed her pregnancy less than 24 hours earlier with an at-home pregnancy test, and although the initial shock she felt was nearly dissolved, she still hadn’t told Jude about it. She hadn’t told Eric either. Sara was alone with her secret, and could hardly believe she was even in the situation to begin with. It all felt so surreal. Her feelings for Jude had taken a backseat in her mind while she struggled with what to do next. As a matter of fact, Sara actually considered having an abortion. An abortion. Something Jude would certainly disapprove of. That was the primary reason why she hadn’t told him yet. Jude would be disappointed in her. And his empathetic ability would provide him with insight into her heart, making it impossible for Sara to hide an abortion.

  Sara finished her cup of tea and went upstairs to say goodbye to Eric. She entered the master bedroom to find him lying on their bed, still sound asleep.

  “Eric,” she whispered several times before he finally awoke, “I’m going to work. Lexi and Jake are still asleep.”

  “Uh hmmm,” Eric murmured.

  “I’ve got to stop at the store on my way home to get a couple of things before the snow hits. See you this afternoon.”

  “K. Bye,” he said and rolled back to sleep.

  Later that morning, Jude and his father arrived at the hospital for Tom’s regular dialysis treatment. Sara greeted them and then guided them into the treatment area. She noticed that Jude was unusually quiet while she assessed Tom’s weight, temperature and standing and sitting blood pressure.

  As Sara began to set Tom up for treatment, Jude felt an overwhelming change in Sara’s heart from the last time he’d been with her. The sensation was unlike anything he’d ever felt before and he became inpatient in his desire to understand what had changed. Jude shot an interrogating look at Sara, as if to say ‘you’re hiding something from me.’

  With her lips pursed, she returned his gaze and shook her head ‘no’ ever so slightly. The nausea in Sara’s stomach seemed to worsen as she felt Jude’s eyes intent on her. She was failing miserably at hiding her feelings from him. “So, Tom,” Sara tried to shift her focus away from Jude, “Tell me. Have you got a secret admirer for Valentine’s this year?”

  “A secret admirer? Me?” Tom snickered. “Nah. Not unless you count the neighbor’s dog that’s always leavin’ a present on the lawn for me, the damn thing!”

  “Oh no! I hope you don’t have to clean it up!” Sara chuckled while she continued to connect Tom to the dialysis machine via his port.

  “No. I leave that to Jude, here.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” Jude scowled.

  “What about you?” Tom asked Sara, “You got any special plans? A girl as pretty and smart as you… your husband must be just dying to show you off.”

  Sara blushed, “No, actually, there’s a storm coming later. We didn’t make plans. I don’t want to get caught in it.”

  “I suppose that’s good thinking,” Tom remarked.

  “Okay, well. You’re all set up,” Sara stated and then pointed to a button on a controller, which was built into the bed that Tom was lying on. “That’s your nurse call button. Let me know if you need anything. I’ll just be a few feet away at the nurse’s desk and will check back with you shortly.”

  “Go on. I know the drill,” Tom said. “Thanks.”

  Sara pulled the curtain closed and walked over to the desk.

  After Tom settled and treatment was well underway, Jude stood up and announced to his father, “I’ll be back in a few. Going to grab some coffee.”

  “Okay,” Tom replied.

  Although a cup of hot coffee was appealing, Jude’s primary intent was to find Sara and talk with her. He walked over to the nurse’s desk where she sat, looking down at a chart jotting notes. Even amidst the conflict and fear that he sensed in her heart, Jude was still captivated by Sara’s beauty and warmth. “Excuse me. Sara?” he said tentatively.

  Sara looked up at Jude. A flurry of feelings consumed her every particle. She felt scared, nauseated and confused. At the same time, she felt great love for Jude. With hormones surging through her body, Sara was borderline teary-eyed when she tried to acknowledge Jude’s presence
, but remained composed nonetheless. “Hello. What can I do for you?” she asked coolly.

  “May I speak with you about my father?” he questioned.

  “Sure, let’s go into the family room,” Sara suggested, playing out the conversation for the benefit of her co-workers, as if Sara and Jude didn’t know each other as well as they did. This is it, she thought. I can’t avoid him now.

  They walked into a small room at the end of the hallway and sat in adjacent chairs. A television that was mounted to the wall in a corner of the room was tuned to a home improvement show on the home and garden channel, but there was no sound. They were alone in the room.

  “You’ve been avoiding me. I haven’t heard from you,” Jude stated.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been … distracted.”

  “Yes. I know,” he said coldly and then pleaded, “Sara, this is killing me. Something’s different. Please tell me what it is. I need to know.”

  “I can’t get into it right now,” Sara said. Truthfully, she knew that she had to tell Jude what was going on. But she also knew that it would be best to share the news with him in a more private setting.

  “I just don’t understand. Is it me? Are you… I can’t even say it. Are you, done with me?”

  “No! Oh my God, no! Of course not. Why would you think that?”

  Jude was relieved to hear that Sara still wanted to be with him, but he needed to know what was bothering her. “There’s been a change in your heart. I can’t explain it. It just feels different. So if it’s not that, what is it?”

  “It’s complicated. Can we please talk later?

  “Sara…”

  “Please? Trust me. We can’t talk here. Can we have this conversation at your place after my shift?”

  Jude sighed, “I suppose so.”

  “Thank you,” Sara smiled weakly.

  Around one o’clock that afternoon, Sara left the hospital parking lot and cautiously drove to Jude’s townhouse. She passed several salt trucks dutifully scattering salt on the roadways. A mixture of sleet and snow had already started to fall, which made driving treacherous despite the efforts of the city and county workers to keep the streets clear.

  Jude was outside salting his sidewalk and driveway when Sara arrived at the townhouse. She nearly slipped as she stepped out of the car but grabbed onto its doorframe and steadied herself without falling.

  “You okay?” Jude asked, worried.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  He leaned into Sara and gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I’m sorry. I tried to get ahead of this ice before you got here.”

  “It’s okay. I probably shouldn’t stay long. The roads are getting a bit hairy.”

  “Of course. I want you to be safe. Let’s go in for a few minutes and get out of this mess,” Jude motioned toward the door.

  Sara and Jude curled into each other on the massive leather sectional in the living room. Jude sensed the anxiety and nervousness that enveloped Sara’s heart. She settled her head into his chest, feeling his warmth and familiarity. She listened to his heartbeat, which soothed her anxious mind only slightly.

  Jude waited until Sara seemed to be comfortable before finally breaking the silence between them and said, “Most of the time, you and I sit next to each other and I know what you’re thinking without you even saying a word. But something’s different now. I don’t know what it is. But it’s scaring me, Sara. I can’t stand not knowing. I love you.”

  Sara closed her eyes and squeezed Jude tightly around his torso. It was frustrating Jude to not know what she was hiding. Sara knew this. But how could she tell him? How could she be honest with him? Surely, he would be disappointed in her.

  Sara had many options. She could have an abortion and move on. Perhaps she would lie and say that the baby was Eric’s, breaking off the affair. She could tell Jude the baby was his, and in doing so would end her marriage and destroy her family. The pregnancy created a level of permanence to her affair that was undeniable, and Sara realized that the next few moments would shift the course of the rest of her life.

  “You’re so quiet,” he prodded.

  It’s now or never, she thought. Sara opened her eyes and sat up beside Jude. Staring straight into his eyes, she drew in a deep breath and finally uttered, “I’m pregnant.”

  Jude was dumbfounded. It took several seconds for her statement to fully register in his mind. “You’re… pregnant?”

  Sara nodded, “About six or seven weeks.”

  “Is it mine?” he wondered.

  “It has to be,” Sara said meekly, biting her lower lip. “Eric had a vasectomy about eight months ago.”

  “But, how? I mean, we were careful. Every time.”

  “Not every time,” Sara said bluntly. “The first time… in your office? And then again, I think, just after Christmas when the condom broke.”

  Jude replayed in his mind scenes of their passionate intercourse. His face became ashen when he realized Sara was correct. Clearly, he did not use a condom the time they made love in his office, and there had been one instance of a failed condom. But they were definitely protected during other wildly erotic and intimate moments. Jude remembered how he eagerly smoothed a condom onto his member; and how he continued to do so each and every time they made love.

  “Jude. Say something,” Sara pleaded mildly.

  Suddenly, it came to him. Over the last several weeks, sex with Sara had been incredible. It was passionate and filled with love. But his empathetic sensations had also become more overwhelmingly intense each time they were together. Jude couldn’t understand why it was so different from the first time, until now. “Sara?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you remember what I told you the first time we made love here in the townhouse? About how I was waiting for you… and how, when we made love, it was different that time compared to our first?”

  “Of course, I do. I thought you were going to have a heart attack!”

  “Well, it’s been more and more intense. My feelings. My ability. Only with you, though, and I couldn’t figure out why.”

  “Okay…”

  “But now I think I know.”

  Sara was perplexed. She had just shared with Jude catastrophic, life-changing news and now he was talking about his sixth sense? Maybe he was in denial? Sara decided to play along, “Uh... okay. Go on.”

  “The baby. Our baby.”

  “You lost me,” Sara blankly replied.

  “I think the baby’s doing it to me.”

  “But how could…?”

  “Two hearts!” he stated excitedly.

  Sara nodded in understanding. It made sense to her now.

  “Your heart... the baby’s heart. I think that’s what makes it, my feeling, so strong.” Jude grinned at the thought of his child and said, “I was really beginning to think that maybe children weren’t in His plan for me.”

  Surprised by his quick acceptance of the news, Sara tried to stall Jude’s excitement, “Jude, I’m…”

  “Conflicted. I know,” he interrupted, “I can feel it. What is it? Is it Eric? Because if it is, this just seems like a sign, doesn’t it? Like this is how it’s all supposed to work out? A baby, our baby…”

  “No,” she said, “I mean, I… I don’t know.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “I…” It all felt so surreal as Sara heard her voice mutter the words, “I might not keep it.”

  Jude’s heart sank. Surely, he wasn’t hearing what he thought he’d heard. Would she really give it up? he wondered. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

  “I mean, an… abortion.” Sara muttered. And there it was. The truth. The entire, honest-to-God truth. A metaphorical weight was suddenly lifted from Sara’s shoulders for a brief moment while she braced herself for Jude’s reaction.

  “What? You want to kill our baby?” Jude refused to believe it. Angry, he suddenly found himself pacing the length of the living room. He felt as though they were miles ap
art while he rambled on, trying to come to grips with what she seemed to be suggesting, “An abortion? Sara, how could you..? I don’t understand. Why? Why would you even consider? I mean, I’m Catholic for God’s sake! Sara, you know me. You know what I believe!”

  “Stop!” Sara urged.

  “Sara, please. We could make this work. Don’t think any more of this. Please! I love you… You…”

  “Jude! Stop! Please stop!” Sara yelled this time. The tone of her voice left Jude speechless. When he turned to look at her, his anger dissipated as he could see tears trickling down her face. She was crying profusely, “Please… stop!”

  “I’m sorry. Sara. I’m just trying to understand all of this.”

  “I know. Me too.”

  “Come here,” Jude warmly suggested with his arms open, motioning for her to fill them. Sara answered his request and they embraced. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out together,” he tried to reassure her.

  Sara pulled herself away from Jude and wiped the tears from her face. Although she knew that Jude had a right to their child, she believed the decision was hers to make, alone. She had so much to lose no matter what she decided. It was clear to her that Jude was accepting, perhaps even happy, about the pregnancy. And the more time she spent with Jude, the more difficult it would be for her. She needed to clear her head; to get away. “I should go.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “But, I do. I need to figure this out. I didn’t want to keep it from you any longer. I thought you had a right to know. So, now you know. But I’ve gotta get outta here,” Sara said while she gathered her coat and started for the door.

  “Wait!” Jude followed after her and said warmly, “Sara. I love you.” He reached for her with both hands, kissed her gently on the lips and then asked, “When will I see you again?”

  “I don’t know. A couple of days, maybe. At the clinic?” she suggested while opening the door.

  “Don’t make any decisions. Please. Okay?” he pleaded.

  Sara sighed. “I love you,” she said and walked into the icy mess outside, leaving Jude behind.