Mistrust

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Hey, Dakota,” Reece calls out to me. But I keep my head down, and walk away as quickly as I can.

  Pulling out a chair in the library, I sit and open the book I picked from the shelf. I chose it absentmindedly, not really looking at the selection. My eyes gloss over the title, but I don’t register anything it actually says.

  Instead of the book holding my interest, I keep replaying the image of Levi and Lindsey. He told her to get up and go to him, and she went like a well-trained puppy. I can feel myself losing faith in the friendship I thought Lindsey and I had. Tears quickly well up in my eyes, and my stomach churns at the betrayal I’ve witnessed.

  “Dakota, what are you doing here?” Sophie asks as she drags out the chair opposite me. I lower my head so she can’t see the tears, but I know she saw. “Why are you crying?”

  “It’s nothing.” The tears are rolling down my cheeks and onto the book I’m holding.

  “Then why are you crying all over the Bible?”

  I actually look at the book and bark a humorless laugh. That’s what I get for grabbing the first book I came across. “It’s nothing, okay?” I muffle my sobs and try to hide the tears.

  “Nothing, huh? Doesn’t look like nothing to me. What happened?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I keep my focus down on the leather-bound pages I’ve now placed on the table. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

  “Okay then, I won’t. But you’ve gotta stop crying. Especially considering it looks like you’re crying over this.” She leans over and taps the book with her fingers.

  My churning stomach settles somewhat within a few moments, and the tears recede enough for me to be able to look up at Sophie. “I’m okay,” I finally manage to say, and mean the words.

  “Good.” She takes a deep breath and smiles at me. “How come you’re in the library again?” I notice her blonde hair is pulled back tight in a high ponytail, and she’s wearing a touch of make-up.

  “You look really pretty today.” I ignore her question but try to keep eye contact so she doesn’t clue in.

  “Avoiding giving me an answer?” No such luck.

  “Yeah, I’m in the library again. Seems things are different now.”

  “You can tell me if you want, don’t feel bad if you don’t want to.” She’s so easy to talk with, and seems so carefree too.

  “It doesn’t matter; it’s stupid stuff. But, seeing as you’re insisting, you know my friend Lindsey?” She nods her head. “Well, Levi and I broke up and now she’s with him.”

  Sophie’s expression is impassive. She doesn’t look surprised or upset or even amused. Nothing . . . zilch . . . nada. “And this surprises you? Seriously, this surprises you?” she asks, completely devoid of emotion. “Because the way I see it, those girls will turn on you in a heartbeat. I’ve seen it before and I know I’ll see it again.” She turns her head to look away and whispers, “They turn on anyone, and everyone.”

  Scrunching my forehead, I look at Sophie and silently question her. I don’t want to ask her what she means by her statement, but I do want to know if what she said is a warning, or an observation.

  Instead I turn back to my book and pick it up. “You know, I’ve never really read this.”

  “Neither have I. How many people have read it in its entirety and actually understood it?” She lets out a laugh, and I know she’s attempting to break the seriousness which has suddenly fallen over us.

  “Ms. Bennett, may I have a word with you?” Mr. C’s smarmy voice instantly chills my blood and my heart drops down into my stomach. With wide eyes I look at Sophie and silently plead with her to not leave me alone with him.

  I look over my right shoulder to where Mr. C is standing about two feet away. “Um, sure,” I answer him, but my voice comes out all croaky and rough. He takes a step back to wait for me to follow him. I slide out of my chair slowly and try to breathe through the panic creeping throughout my entire body. I follow Mr. C to the back of the library but I keep looking over my shoulder at Sophie. I want to maintain eye contact with her in case I need her to come over and rescue me.

  “I heard you passed out today,” Mr. C starts saying while attempting to discreetly look me over. However, it’s obvious to me. “Are you okay?”

  I nod my head, too scared to open my mouth and say anything; fearing my voice will let me down and I’ll either scream or worse still, not be able to speak.

  “Why did you pass out?”

  Holy crap, now I have to respond, I have no choice. I look over to Sophie who’s watching us with an eagle eye. “I . . .” my voice is scratchy. “I forgot to have breakfast.”

  “Did the nurse call your parents?” He furrows his brows together, and runs his beady eyes over me once again.

  I nod, but again don’t dare say anything.

  “What happened?”

  I clear my throat and look down at my shoes. Finding the courage, I look back into his inquisitive gaze. “I spoke to my mom and she said she’d come to pick me up and take me to the doctor, but I asked her not to and told her I was feeling fine. It was just this morning I wasn’t feeling great, I’m fine now.”

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  Mr. C has been showing an unusual interest in me. He’s always been creepy, but since Monday his attention has been much more intense. “Yeah, I’m sure.” I look him straight in the eyes so he knows I’m okay. A long moment passes between us. The stifling air makes it difficult for me to breathe, and suddenly a tingle of raw nervous energy shoots through my body. However I ignore the warnings from my weary mind and fight to hide the secret I so desperately hold on to. “I’m sure,” I confirm again, ensuring Mr. C believes me.

  Tilting his head down to look at me with a keen eye, Mr. C nods his head once but also purses his lips together. “If you need anything, Dakota, come to my classroom and find me.” He steps away from where we were at the end of library and turns his back leaving me to consider his words.

  Mr. C is by far the creepiest, weirdest person I’ve ever met. And I never want to be alone with him.

  “What was that about?” Sophie innocently whispers when I make my way back to our table.

  “He wanted to talk to me about some homework due.”

  “Homework? Now? It’s almost the end of the year? That’s weird.” Her words sound as if she doesn’t believe what I said. And truthfully, I wouldn’t believe me either. “Looked like he was almost angry with you.”

  My face turns up in a grimace and I shake my head. “Nah, nothing like that.” I try to downplay the seriousness of the situation, and more specifically, the accuracy of her words.

  “Are you going to the charity basketball game tonight?” Sam asks as we walk home from school.

  “I don’t know. Maybe. What happened with Calvin?”

  “Taylor,” she corrects me with a wide smile on her face. “Well, he kind of asked me to the game tonight.”

  “Oooh.” Deliberately I step into her and bump her shoulder with mine. “Really? Are you going to go?”

  “I want to. He asked me if I want to go to the movies with him on Saturday night, too.”

  “Wow. He must be serious to ask you out for tonight’s game and tomorrow night too. Two nights in a row.”

  Sam squeals in delight, and bounces as she’s walking. “I know,” she excitedly says. “Dakota, will you help me find something to wear? Like maybe I can borrow that really nice green sweater you have and maybe your black knee-length skirt?” I turn to look at her, and she flutters her eyelashes at me as she brings her hands together as if in a prayer. “Puurleeeeaaasse?” she draws out.

  “So you want to borrow something of mine to wear?” I’m teasing her, making her beg for it while I already know I’m going to say yes.

  “Oh please, Dakota, please can I?”

  “Maybe.” I shrug my shoulders noncommittally at her.

  “Come on,” she teasingly whines. “Please?” Sam gives me a sickly sweet smile, her wide brown eyes gazing softly at
me.

  “Fine,” I grumble playfully.

  “I told Taylor I’d meet him at the game. You should come.”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure where I stand with Jordan, Mariah and the rest of them. Obviously I can kiss my friendship with Lindsey goodbye.”

  “Lindsey? Why? What happened?” Sam stops walking to grab my upper arm.

  “Let’s just say, she’s not who I thought she was.” I start to walk away, but Sam makes a grab for my arm again.

  “What happened?”

  Telling Sam what happened at lunch today I watch her reaction as it quickly morphs from shock, to irritation, then anger. “Are you serious? She walked off with him after he was being horrible to you?” I nod my head. “Man, I’m so . . .” she pauses, but her features give away exactly how she feels. Her eyes are wide with anger as she paces up and down the sidewalk.

  “I know,” I add.

  “How can this not make you angry? He’s being a dick and she’s just—I can’t even say what I want to about her. Grrr,” she growls as she starts marching toward home.

  “Hey, it’s my own fault. I thought she was like a sister to me. Obviously, not.”

  “She’s not me, Dakota. No one can replace me,” she huffs angrily. She’s hurt.

  “No, that’s not what I meant.” It’s my turn to stop her walking. I throw my arms around her and hug her. “You are the best person I know, Sam, No one could ever replace you, I just thought she’d always have my back, you know? Clearly, I was mistaken. I don’t know what else to do. Up until last week I thought everything was perfect. Now, it’s like nothing is as it seems on the surface.”

  Sam pulls out of the hug and we walk the final few blocks in silence. When we get home, Sam sits on the front lawn under one of the willow trees we have in the yard. Evidently she wants to talk or she wouldn’t be looking at me, and then pointedly staring to the spot beside her. I sit cross-legged next to her and let out a sigh.

  “I’ve been thinking about what you said that nothing seems the same. And that’s because nothing is the same.”

  “I know,” I say while running my hands over the lush green grass, avoiding her stare.

  “It’s been less than a week, Dakota, and nothing is ever going to be like it was. You’ll never be the same, and neither will any relationship you’ve had or will have. Especially considering we have no idea who slipped you the drug. It could’ve been anyone, you yourself said you came back to the table and your drink was there.”

  “I’m trying to push it out of my mind, Sam. I don’t think I can handle it if I allow myself to think about it.”

  “Pushing it out of your mind only means it’ll fester.”

  I smack the ground in frustration. “Stop it, just stop it. I don’t want to face it, or deal with it.” Standing I brush the grass off my legs and butt. “I’m not ready.” I sling my bag over my shoulder and run up the few steps in front of our home. “I’ll get those clothes ready for you, Sam.” Opening the door, I head straight into my room.

  “Hi, darling,” Mom calls out as I pass her in the hallway.

  Hot tears burn my eyes, and I know I’m about to lose it and cry. “Hi,” I mumble and quickly close my door before Mom sees the tears slipping down my cheeks. I take myself over to my bed, and lay on it, bringing my pillow in to hug. “This is bullshit,” I say to myself.

  I’ve gone from being a popular girl, confident and outgoing, to becoming an introvert who avoids everyone. I used to be able to trust people, but now I’ve tightened the circle of who I can depend and rely on. Sam’s at the top of the list of people I have unconditional faith in. Since she found out about, that night, she’s had my back and hasn’t faltered in her loyalty to me.

  My friends, or my so-called friends, are showing me their true colors. Levi has let me down, and as for Lindsey, she’s clearly not the person I thought she was.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  I sit up in bed, wipe my face and call out for whoever it is to enter.

  Sam opens the door with remorse and pain written all over her face. “I’m sorry,” we both say together.

  I can’t help but go to her and hug her. “I’m sorry, Sam,” I finally manage to say. “I know you’re trying to help and I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

  “I’m sorry for pushing you. It’s just . . . this is really scary, Dakota. I mean if it happened to you, then it must’ve happened to someone else and I wonder who else will become a victim, too?”

  My stomach churns in fear, because these questions are haunting me. But I try and push them down, as far into the darkness as I can. I’m nowhere near ready to attempt to answer them or even begin to understand them.

  “I know, and trust me when I say I think about those exact questions every moment I’m awake. I’m even having panic attacks, and I’m not sure if I can handle them.”

  “This is big, Dakota. Like huge. You should consider telling Mom and Dad. They’ll be devastated that you haven’t told them if they find out by someone else. And before you freak out and think I’m going to tell them, that’s not what I meant.”

  My throat tightens and I feel nausea quickly rise. I’m ashamed to admit I did panic because I thought Sam would tell. “You have all the power, Sam and I won’t lie. I’m terrified you may accidently slip.”

  “You know I’d never.” She unfolds herself from my hug and goes to sit on my bed. “I swear, I would never betray you.” She places her right hand over her heart. “I promise,” she says in the most serious tone I’ve ever heard come from her. Dropping her hand she places both of them in her lap and begins to nervously wring them together. “One day, Dakota, you have to tell them. It’ll eat you up alive if you keep it to yourself. How much do you think you can handle before the cracks break open and everything spills?”

  Slumping my shoulders I nod my head. “I know,” I say in defeat. “Just not yet. I’m not ready.”

  “Promise me though, when you’re ready, we’ll tell Mom and Dad together.”

  Sam’s beautiful, gentle nature makes my heart ache, because she sees the beauty in everything, and loyally wants to protect me. “I feel like I’m letting you down, Sam.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re my little sister, not the other way around. I should be protecting you and giving you wise advice, instead, you’re the one who’s looking out for me. It’s not right. I’m not doing a very good job as your older sister.”

  Sam laughs out loud which causes me to look into her amused eyes and smiling face. “Sometimes, Dakota, we find the strength we need in others. My time will come when I’ll need you and you’ll be my strength, so for now let me be yours.”

  Christ, I’m a damn mess. Everything about me has completely fallen apart. “How about I get you those clothes you want to borrow?” I try and drag my mind away from the imminent darkness waiting to consume me.

  “Are you and Levi going out afterwards?” Mom asks as she drops me and Sam to where the charity game is being played. “And you’re not cheering tonight?” Mom looks me over.

  “Nah, there isn’t any cheering tonight. It’s just a charity game.” I know there will be cheering, but I haven’t put in any effort this last week. Because of that I don’t think it’s fair for me to show up tonight and try to be involved. Besides, I truly don’t care if they throw me off the squad or keep me.

  “Are you and Levi going out after?” I was hoping she’d forgotten the first part of her question.

  “Levi and I broke up.” I look out the window to avoid her stare, but catch it in the reflection of the window.

  “You broke up?” she gasps in disbelief. “When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me? What happened? My gosh, Dakota, you have to tell me when these things happen! It explains a lot actually; you’ve been quite withdrawn the last few days. You broke up with him on Saturday at the prom, didn’t you? Since then you’ve been quiet and not saying much.”

  Taking a deep breath I simply sit in quiet and not say any
thing. “Hey, Mom, I’m meeting Taylor at the game tonight.” Sam interrupts so I’m not the recipient of Mom’s inquisition.

  Discreetly reaching my hand back I feel for Sam’s. She sees what I’m doing, and holds my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. It’s my way of saying ‘thank you,’ and her way of saying ‘you’re welcome.’

  Mom and Sam chatter about Taylor, AKA Calvin, and I watch the scenery go by as we near our school.

  “I’ll call you when we’re ready to be picked up,” Sam says as she closes the door. I’m already waiting for her by the curb, far enough away that Mom can’t easily say anything to me.

  It doesn’t stop Mom from rolling the passenger side window down, leaning over to call me back. “Dakota.” I feel the tightness strangle my chest as I approach the car. “Tomorrow we need to talk about you and Levi.”

  “Okay, Mom,” I answer her but secretly hope she forgets about it.

  “Come on, big sis, let’s go. Bye, Mom.” Sam waves and Mom leaves.

  And I quietly freak out about our pending conversation.

  When Sam and I walk into the gymnasium, I immediately notice Jordan, Mariah, and Lindsey sitting on one of the bench seats at the front of the bleachers. I smile at them, but they look right through me. Obviously I’m not welcome to sit with them.

  “It’s okay, you can sit with us,” Sam says and drags me up the steps toward where Taylor is sitting.

  As I glance up at Taylor, I catch Sophie’s eye and she waves me over. “I’ll sit with Sophie,” I say and make my way over to her while Sam heads straight to Taylor.

  The first half of the game is fun. Both teams were all about having a good time, not really playing hard. Reece even grabbed the ball from Levi and dribbled it over to the opponents’ side of the court and shot a hoop for them. It got them up to even the score and the crowd all cheered as Reece took a bow in the middle of the court.