Mistrust

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Dakota.”

  Running my hands through my hair, I tug on the ends while closing my eyes and kneeling to the floor. “I can’t tell them,” I cry out in frustration. “I just can’t.”

  Sam gently lays her hand on my back. “I’m sorry, Dakota, I didn’t mean to push you so hard,” her voice is soft and wispy and, I can tell she’s trying to appease me.

  “I’m not mad at you.” I look into her soft eyes and notice there’s not one ounce of judgement. “I’m angry at myself.” She expels a deep breath and slumps her shoulders. “I shouldn’t have gone that night.”

  “You’re still laying blame on the wrong person. You’re a victim, not a villain.” Her features are soft with love for me. Her eyes are gentle, her smile tender, and her body affectionate. She moves closer wrapping me in her love. “Please don’t tear your hair out, I didn’t mean to sound like I don’t understand.” When she envelops me close to her warm body, I accept it, desperately needing her hug.

  Minutes drift past and when I finally let my body relax and I resolve to stop hating myself. I untangle from Sam. “Sorry, I freaked out.” Standing, I head over to the bed to sit. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know you’re only trying to help.”

  “You didn’t yell at me. You panicked. I kinda freaked out when you fell to the floor. But I suppose, as much as I understand what you’re going through, I’m not the one who’s actually living it. I’m trying though. I’m scared for you, so damn terrified that whatever you’re feeling will last a lifetime if you don’t get help.”

  Breathing raggedly, I try and swallow the shame that’s sitting in the back of my throat. “I love you.” I stand and go hug Sam again. “Thank you, for everything,” I whisper.

  “I love you too.” She tightens her arms around me in a gentle squeeze before letting go and walking over to her bed. “Here, take your phone and call Reece, tell him we should definitely go out when we get back from camping.”

  “You’re too grown up, stop acting like you’re eighteen instead of fourteen.”

  “Well.” She rolls her eyes and smirks. “Someone has to be the smart one, and seeing as you missed out in the brains department, it has to be me.” She shrugs her shoulders teasingly.

  “Whatever.” I walk toward her door and open it. “But seriously, thank you.”

  “Ah.” She flips her hand at me dismissively. “It’s what sisters do.”

  “Hello,” Sophie answers her phone.

  “Hey, it’s Dakota.”

  “Hey, what’s doing?”

  I lay on my bed and turn to put some music on in the background. “Sam and I went to the fair today, and we saw Reece and his brother there. And we’re getting ready to go camping.”

  “Camping? I haven’t been camping in years, since . . .” she pauses for a few seconds. “Since before Dad was sent to jail.”

  “Do you wanna come?” I ask excitedly while sitting up on my bed. I’m about ready to run out to Mom to ask if Sophie can come too.

  “Hell no. There’s no way I’d go camping now. I’m much more aware of snakes, and bears and shit like that.”

  “There are no snakes where we go camping.”

  “Aha! You didn’t say anything about bears.”

  I chuckle to myself before I add, “And no bears, either.”

  “Still no,” she adamantly replies.

  “Come on, it’ll be fun. It’s just my family, but it’ll be so fun.”

  “Is there indoor plumbing?” she asks in a sassy pitch.

  “Well, no not exactly. We’ll go off track, and do the whole tents and digging a hole thing.”

  “Will there be a proper bed?”

  “Again, no. More like sleeping bags and a campfire.”

  “Hang on a second. Back up right now, sister. There will be s’mores?” Her tone changes and perks slightly.

  “Of course, you can’t go camping without making s’mores.”

  “See,” she huffs and half chuckles. “Given there’ll be s’mores I’d have seriously considered coming. However, there’s still a minor problem.”

  “Which is?” I’m already smiling because I can sense, by her easy tone, she’s about to say something amusing.

  “Snakes and no toilets. Not to mention big bears, and other wildlife who sometimes wander into tents and make themselves at home.”

  My face has a broad smile and I can’t help but feel totally comfortable around Sophie. “Alright, alright. No camping, but what about if you come over when we get back? We’ve got a pool, Dad can do a cookout, and we can make s’mores, ‘n stuff like that?” I become hopeful as I wait for her response.

  “Yeah? You want me to come over? Really?” There’s a wary hopefulness to her question, as if she doesn’t believe me, or worse still; doesn’t think we’re really friends.

  “Of course! We’re friends, right?”

  She lets out a sigh and a small groan. “I’ve found it hard to make friends since we moved here a few years ago. I’m more of a loner, preferring to spend my time in the library.” My heart breaks for her because being isolated from people sucks. I should know, my barriers are getting higher and higher. My walls are becoming impenetrable and rock solid.

  “Well, we’re friends now, Sophie. Sorry, but there’ll be no getting rid of me.” I smile triumphantly into the phone. I must look like a crazy person, grinning to myself. But I know us being friends will make a world of difference to both of us.

  “Good, ‘cause I kinda like you and Sam.”

  “So, you’ll come over?” I feel as if I’m eight years old again, asking her to be my friend. I hold my breath and wait for her reaction. I’ll be cut if she says no, and giddy if she says yes.

  “Hell yeah, and you better make good s’mores.”

  “Yay. I’ll call you when we get back from camping.”

  “Okay. I’ve gotta go, Mom’s taking me out for dinner so I gotta go get ready.”

  “Have fun. See ya soon,” I say before hanging up.

  I sit back on my bed and an air of calm washes over me. Today’s been such an extreme day. I had heaps of fun at the fair, and I loved spending time with Sam. I even felt comfortable with Reece and Miles which surprises me because after that night, I never thought I’d have the confidence to feel okay around people again, especially boys.

  I toy with my phone, and contemplate calling Reece. I’m not a hundred percent sure, but my gut is saying he’s okay. But then again, I thought everyone was okay before the night I became a target, and then a victim.

  Dialing his number, I wait for him to answer the call. “Dakota?” he says while puffing.

  “Hi, how are you?” I slap my forehead because immediately I sound like an idiot.

  “I’m good.” His voice sounds cautious. “How are you?”

  “Yeah good.” Suddenly my stomach knots and my hands shake. “Um . . .”

  “Thank you for letting us hang out today. I had a great time. Miles likes your sister, he said she’ll make a good lawyer when she’s older. He also said she’d be the type of little sister he could imagine having if he didn’t have two brothers.”

  I laugh out loud. “Wait, does that mean Miles called you a girl?”

  “Nah,” he defensively says, quite loudly. I laugh again. “Well, yeah.”

  “You make me laugh.”

  “I’m so not a girl. I can guarantee that, Dakota. Miles likes to say shit like that to get under my skin. It used to irritate the crap out of me, but now I know it’s just his sense of humor.”

  “You’re gonna miss him when he leaves.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He sighs. “So, I’m thinking, maybe we can go to the movies if you’re not going anywhere for vacation.” I furrow my eyebrows together and pull my phone away from my ear to stare at it. “Dakota?” I hear Reece call.

  Putting the phone back to my ear, I sit there quiet for a few seconds. “Are you asking me out on a date?” Scrunching my nose I smack myself on the forehead. It’s ridiculous to even
think that’s what Reece is asking.

  “Yeah, I guess I kind of am.”

  Stunned I stare at the pale yellow wall ahead of me. “Um,” my voice is heavily strained, and guarded.

  “It’s um . . . it’s okay, don’t worry about it. I thought maybe you’d like to hang out and watch a movie or something. No big deal.” His tone isn’t saying ‘no big deal’ it’s saying he’s embarrassed he’s even asked.

  “I’m nowhere near ready to date again, Reece.”

  “Yeah, of course.” He lets out a breath, but I can still hear the unease in his voice.

  “How about this? We’re going on a camping trip, and when we get back I’m going to ask Mom and Dad if we can have a cook out here. Sophie will be here, and Sam’s boyfriend.” I should probably let Sam know. “Why don’t you come over for that?”

  It’s safer in numbers, although . . .

  “I’d love to. Thanks for the invite.”

  Just then there’s a knock on the door. “Come in,” I half shout. “Hang on a minute, Reece.”

  The door opens and Mom pops her head in. “I need help with dinner.” She smiles at me and her eyes go to my phone. “When you’re finished.” She juts her chin toward my phone.

  “Okay, I’ll be out in a couple of minutes.” Mom then closes the door and leaves me to my phone call. “You there?”

  “Yeah, I heard. You have to go help your Mom with dinner. That’s cool. Give me a call when you get back from your camping trip. How long are you going for?”

  “I think just a few days. We were supposed to go to Canada to see my cousins, but a few of them ended up with chicken pox, so it’s safer if we don’t go. Dad had two weeks’ vacation for it, but he’s cut it back to just one.”

  “I remember you telling me about your cousins in Canada. Sorry you’re not seeing them now. But, yeah, that sounds cool. I haven’t been camping for about a year. We do it rough when we go though. You know, digging holes and stuff.”

  “Oh my God, us too. Dad always says if you’re going to go into nature, it means we have to strip everything back to basics.” Dad’s like that, he’s a guy’s guy. “Dad loves camping so much, but Sam and I aren’t really into it. So he’s learnt to adapt with having daughters instead of sons.” I draw my eyes over my bed and have an onset of guilt. “Sad really,” I whisper.

  “I don’t think your dad is upset he has girls,” Reece says, obviously picking up on my sadness.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, it’s sad we don’t do more of what Dad likes.” Slumping my shoulders I make a mental promise to myself, to start doing more things with Dad—and making sure Sam and I appreciate him more.

  “I know you’ve got to go, so give me a call when you get back from your camping trip.”

  “Okay, I will. By the way, thanks for today. I had fun.” I smile.

  “Me too.”

  I smile even broader. We hang up, and I head out to the kitchen to give Mom a hand with dinner.

  Today’s the day before our camping trip and Mom’s driving us crazy. She’s stacked the car, twice and now she’s going through everything and making sure we’ve got supplies in case of every possible weather situation.

  “Mom, it’ll be okay,” I say as she repacks the car, again.

  “I know. Have you seen the water bottles?” she asks as she looks around the ground in the garage.

  “You’ve packed them. The first thing you put in.”

  “Did I?” She scratches her head, brings her eyebrows together then smiles. “Yes, you’re right, I did.”

  “See? We’ll be fine.”

  “What about the first aid kit?” She repeats the process, looks around her and goes into a mild panic attack.

  “It’s in the glove compartment, where it always is. Look.” I walk around to the passenger side, open the glove department and pull out the kit she’s assembled.

  “Is everything we need in there? Just bring it to me so I can check it.”

  I huff out a small frustrated breath, but I know Mom wants to make sure this trip goes as seamless as possible. For us, and for dad. She opens the clear plastic box and rummages through it. She’s muttering to herself while she checks its contents. “Yeah, it’s good. Put it back please, Dakota.” She hands me the container, and I put it where I found it. “Sleeping bags?”

  “Check,” I yell out from the passenger side.

  “Tents?”

  “Check, check.”

  “You sure? Where did I put them?” She peers in through the back of the car trying to locate the tents.

  “They’re here, look.” I point to them and Mom smiles.

  “Great. Snacks. Where are the snacks? I can’t see the damn snacks. I don’t want to run out of food.”

  “They’re inside on the dining table, Mom, right where you left them.”

  Her face turns toward the house and she looks at the garage wall. Cocking her hip to one side, she places her hand on it and keeps staring at the wall, deep in thought. “I wonder, should we pack them now so we don’t forget them? Or should we wait until morning when we head off. Hmm.”

  “I can go get them,” I offer.

  Mom looks over and beams at me. “Can you read minds? I was thinking maybe we should pack them now.”

  “You were thinking out loud. I heard you.”

  “Oh gosh, I’m losing my damn mind.” She closes her eyes and runs her hand over her face. “If you can get the food, I’d appreciate it.”

  I run inside and see the boxes set on the dining table. I’d usually call Sam to come help, but she’s out with Taylor at the mall. They’ve gone down to get frozen yogurt and hang out for a while considering they’re not going to see each other for a few days.

  Taking the first of the two boxes out, I place it by Mom’s feet. She looks at the box and scrunches her mouth. Then I run in to get the smaller of the two boxes. When I come out, Mom’s got half the car unpacked again.

  “It’s like a jigsaw puzzle,” I say to her.

  “It is. We’ve also got the camping fridge to go in and the cold food too. But, I’m determined to get it done before your father gets home.”

  “Or, you could leave it for Dad and let him do it. I remember when we used to go camping, he’d pack it so easily.”

  “No,” Mom snaps at me. “I want to do it, so he can relax tonight before we leave early in the morning. He’s been working so many hours that I really want to do this for him so he doesn’t have to worry.”

  I go over to Mom and throw my arms around her. “You’re a good person, Mom,” I say to her and kiss her.

  “Thank you, sweetheart. Now, let’s play this game of Tetris and hopefully get everything in the car.”

  We spend the next hour and a half arranging, re-arranging, and re-arranging yet again. When we get everything in, we end up with lots of room left over. It’s the convenience of Mom’s car being a large SUV—it has an abundance of space.

  When we finish, we head inside and start dinner, because we plan on having an early night since we’re leaving for our trip at four in the morning. The campground is only a few hours away, but off-loading and setting everything up will take time.

  “I’m really excited for this trip. I think it’ll do everyone a world of good,” Mom says as she prepares the meat for dinner. “Can you peel some potatoes please?”

  “Sure.” I take the potatoes out of the bottom of the fridge and start peeling them. There’s something about Mom’s tone which says she’s worried. “What do you mean it’ll do everyone a world of good?”

  “Your father’s been working so hard, you’ve been different lately, a lot quieter than normal, and Sam, well she’s now got a boyfriend. It’s just, everything’s changing and I think this trip has come at the best of times.”

  Silently, I peel the potatoes and avoid looking over at Mom. Once the potatoes are done, I grab a pan so I can boil them. “Mashed, right?”

  “Yeah, mashed.” Mom’s voice is whisper quiet. “Dakota?�
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  My hands tighten around the pot and I steady my breathing. “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay?”

  A spark of dread surges inside me. Quivering with fear I look over my shoulder to Mom, not fully facing her. “I’m great,” I lie. Worst still, I lie convincingly.

  “You sure?” Obviously not convincingly enough.

  “I’m positive, Mom. I’m good. I’ve just come to realize how the people I thought were my friends ended up not really being friends. I’m okay with that, because truthfully they’ve shown their true colors.”

  “Are you talking about Levi?”

  “And Lindsey.”

  “Lindsey? What’s happened with Lindsey?”

  “Levi and her are together now. Not even a minute after we split up. And she’s been ignoring me.” To say the least. “It’s okay, I’m kind of over it.”

  “Over it? You’ve been best friends for years.”

  “Yeah, we were. Clearly, she decided to take sides, and she chose Levi over her friendship with me.”

  “It’s okay, sweetheart.” She rubs her hand over my back in comforting circles. “She’ll be back.”

  “Honestly, I don’t think I want to be friends with her again. She’s hurt me much more than Levi did by breaking up with me. She’s been mean, to say the least.”

  “Mean?” Mom’s voice crackles with concern. It’s a deep seated worry engrained in the fundamental foundation of a mother’s core. “How has she been mean?”

  “She’s just not the person I thought she was. It’s okay, Mom, I’m not interested in what she says or does any more. I thought we were friends, but clearly our friendship means absolutely nothing to her. So now, she means absolutely nothing to me.”

  “I’m so sad to hear that. You girls have been friends for so long, but if she’s wronged you then I suppose there’s not much anyone can do about that.” She pauses for a moment then adds, “Is there no going back to how it was?”

  “I don’t think so. It’s pretty much gone.”

  “Hmm,” she huffs. “I’m sorry.”