Our Time

by Jessica Wilde

  I repeated the mantra in my head over and over until we were sitting in a small room with a giant window overlooking Portland. She stared out the window in silence and kept hold of my hand. I kept my eyes on her small hand enveloped in my much larger one, her skin so much softer than mine. Her fingers were long and skinny with chipped pink nail polish covering each nail. She had been nervous all morning and had continuously picked at her nails until I grabbed her hands and kissed each finger trying to calm her down.

  I had made her and Liv dinner the night before and she was painting Liv's nails the same color, as I cooked. I stole glances frequently and saw the incredible smile covering Olivia's beautiful face when her mother blew on her fingers to dry the polish. She thought it was the greatest thing in the world and when Jocelyn painted her nails after, Olivia mimicked her mom and tried to dry the polish but ended up spitting all over her hands. Liv wanted to do it again, but they had run out of fingers and toes to paint. When Jocelyn turned to me, I didn't hesitate. She handed Liv the brush and the little stinker went to town on my fingers. Took me forever to get it off after she went to bed. Jocelyn had tears coming out of her eyes she was laughing so hard.

  My happy memory was zapped away when the door opened and the doctor walked in. Jocelyn finally turned away from the window, releasing my hand and steeling herself for whatever was going to be said. The lack of a physical connection made every bone in my body feel like it was cracking.

  "Hello, Jocelyn. I'm Dr. Harrison, it's nice to meet you. Dr. Moore has told me a lot about you." He shook her hand and smiled brightly. I introduced myself and shook hands and then he immediately went straight to the situation at hand.

  "Well, Jocelyn, Dr. Clayton sent the MRI to me and I have had a chance to look at it thoroughly. Given your history and treatments, I think you have done very well. Being able to make it through a pregnancy that soon after is pretty spectacular."

  "Thank you," she said shakily and my body strained to wrap around her and protect her.

  The doctor shifted in his seat a little as he turned back to the computer and clicked a few times. "I want to show you exactly what I am seeing." He turned the screen to face us and a distorted looking image of a brain was displayed. "Now, based on your history, you were diagnosed with a malignant Anaplastic Astrocytoma several years ago, is that correct?"

  She nodded.

  He pointed to a white spot, "This was what it looked like then."

  The realization that this was an image taken years ago reminded me of what she went through and my palms started sweating, my stomach churned. The pressure in my chest made it hard for me to breathe, but I kept my face impassive.

  "This," he said after a few clicks, "was the result after your surgeries and subsequent treatment with radiation and chemo."

  The image was a little clearer this time and the spot was gone but the area around it was distorted, I'm guessing from the surgery.

  "Now, before I show you the most recent image from your E.R. visit, I want you to remember that nothing is for sure, yet. I would need to do a biopsy for a more definitive diagnosis."

  She nodded again and I could only stare at the computer and listen to the tick of the clock on the wall, reminding me that time was a cruel bastard. It seems endless, makes you feel comfortable and secure, patient, like it's on your side. Then all of a sudden, you don't know where it went, and you feel… betrayed.

  That damn clock keeps ticking on, but it's no longer ticking for you.

  I felt her reach for my hand and without hesitation, I entwined my fingers with hers and kissed her knuckles taking my own comfort from her. Be strong. I felt like a jerk. I couldn't imagine what she was going through and here I was trying to take comfort from her touch when I should be the one giving it. The problem was, I had no idea how to do this.

  Another image popped up on the screen, this time the spot was a little smaller and on the other side of the brain with the previous side still completely clear. "From what I can tell right now, the removal of the tumor would be more successful than not and if we do find that it is malignant, we can follow up with radiation and chemo if necessary, but again, we don't know for sure that this is cancerous. I don't want to give you false hope, but I also don't want you to lose any hope you have. When that happens, it works against you."

  Jocelyn looked at the image on the screen for only a moment, then looked down at our hands. This was good news, or so I thought. Surgery wouldn't be too bad, right? But she seemed to retreat into herself.

  "I want to get a little more blood work done today and get surgery scheduled right away. How does that sound?"

  I nodded my head, more to myself than anyone else, but Jocelyn didn't respond.

  Not until she spoke to me, knocking the wind right out of me.

  "Andrew, will you please excuse us?"

  "What?" My heart lurched in my chest and my hands started to tingle from the quick shallow breaths I had been taking since the doctor walked in.

  "Please," she pleaded.

  Her voice sounded distant and cold, like she was doing everything in her power to remain unaffected. She wasn't going to make any decisions with me sitting next to her. She had been dealing with this for a long time and from the look in her eyes, she already knew what she was going to do if she was told she needed chemo and my heart couldn't bear to think of it.

  Jocelyn

  "We can schedule the surgery, but if it's… if the cancer is back and I..."

  Dr. Harrison leaned forward and his eyes were warm and sympathetic. Ready to hear me out.

  "I can't go through the chemotherapy again. My daughter… she doesn't need to see that, I don't want her to see that. I have to take care of her and I can't if I'm sick all the time."

  Images of what I went through before flashed through my mind. The endless nights of pain and nausea, the weakness to the point where I couldn't lift a glass of water. I couldn't do it again. If it hadn't been for Monty, I would have never gotten through it in the first place.

  The man didn't seem too concerned about this and he gave me a tight smile. He closed up the images and scooted his stool closer to me until he was sitting just a couple of feet in front of me. "I'm sure Ben mentioned that I'm not the most… linear doctor that you could have come to. Am I right?"

  A memory of a brief conversation with Ben flashed through my mind. He wasn't sure if I should really see this man, but because I was able to get in much sooner, he hadn't complained too much. "He said that you had some questionable methods of treatment."

  "That's right. With some situations, I do." He took a deep breath and eyed me carefully. "Tell me, Jocelyn, Dr. Moore said your headaches started back shortly before you moved to Banks. Why did you take so long to see someone?"

  I stumbled for a moment then thought about what the last few months had been like. I had hardly realized they had stopped since I was so focused on Andrew and Olivia and when they did, I didn't think anything else about it. "They had stopped."

  "Stopped? Explain."

  "They just sort of started to dwindle until they were completely gone for a while. I thought maybe it was just from the stress of moving…"

  The look he gave me made me a little uncomfortable. It was almost triumphant. My first reaction was to back away, but I had nowhere to go.

  He cocked his head to the door. "Tell me, how long has he been in your life?"

  I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to get a read on where he was going with all of this. "Does it matter?"

  "Yes, very much so," he replied immediately with a firm nod. "In fact, it could make all the difference."

  "Just after I moved here."

  "So, you have been involved for a few months then?"

  "Well, we became really good friends at first and just recently in July started up a relationship." Why did he need to know any of this? It was none of his business.

  He smiled and for the first time I noticed how handsome he really was. He was tall, almost as tall as Andrew, but
he was much thinner. Andrew had muscles where this man lacked them. His white coat hung off of his shoulders where anything Andrew wore clung to them. He had dark hair, not quite as dark as Andrew, and baby blue eyes. He was quite handsome, but my chest ached. He wasn't Andrew. No one was Andrew and no one ever could be.

  And I had chased him out of the damn room.

  "It looks like he just recently found out about your situation. He looked quite miserable," he said.

  I wasn't sure how to respond so I stayed silent, wondering whether or not he was going to clue me in on where he was going with this. Plus, I was too busy trying to find a way to apologize to Andrew.

  "I won't beat around the bush, Jocelyn. Ben told me not to coddle you, so I won't. If this man is a part of your life, a part of your daughter's life, you need to make a decision with him."

  I felt anger seep through my veins and was about to make a smartass, defensive remark, but he put a hand up to stop me.

  "I'm not saying that you have to do what he wants. I'm not even saying he should have a say at all. I'm just saying that he should be involved. It will only help you." He looked at me as if he was scolding a child. "Unless he isn't that important to you."

  Of course he's important to me. I love him.

  He was right. I was being selfish. I deserved to be selfish, but I didn't want to be. Not with him. The anger and ice that had flowed through me immediately melted away and tears started to fall. Dr. Harrison handed me a box of tissues and it only made me cry harder.

  "I'm sorry, Jocelyn."

  "He probably hates me now," I sobbed. I don't know why I said it. This man didn't know me and I had no reason to spill my guts out to him, but I was disgusted with myself since I pretty much kept something life altering from him when he had given so much to me.

  "Oh, I very much doubt that. Looked to me like he would step off a cliff for you."

  I smiled at that. Yes, Andrew was probably very hurt that I asked him to leave. He was probably hurt that I hadn't trusted him enough to tell him about the cancer in the first place. He had every reason to be upset with me, but I couldn't help but agree, knowing without a doubt that he loved me.

  "Yeah, I think he would."

  Andrew

  Jocelyn didn't want me involved.

  No matter how many reasons I gave to myself about her asking me to leave the room, I always came back to that one.

  She was going to make this decision on her own. She just had to do everything on her own.

  Was I upset? Hell, yes. Did I blame her? Not at all.

  This wasn't about me or my 'feelings'. This was about her and what she wanted. What would be best for her and her daughter. Which is exactly how it should be.

  She came out of the room several minutes later and no matter how angry I wanted to be with her, I couldn't stop myself from soaking in the sight of her. She was beautiful and strong and mine. For as long as I could have her, she was mine.

  When she looked at me, she didn't try to fake any detachment. She knew what she was doing and I had to let her do it.

  After scheduling another appointment, she cautiously made her way to me. I scrubbed a hand down my face and tried to wipe the anger away. This exquisite, tender woman had changed my life for the better. She made me want to be a better man. She was my best friend. She was… everything.

  But being the jerk that I am, I couldn't accept her dismissal. It nearly broke me. And being the man that I am, I couldn't let that show. Stupid idea? Yes, of course. But isn't that what being strong entailed? Stupidity?

  "I'm sorry, Andrew." Her voice was soft and trembled which only made the ache inside me double.

  Time to show her how strong you can be. "Don't worry about it, I understand." Deep breath in. Lift body. Weight on my feet. Good. Now I was standing. "You ready to go?"

  Her eyes never left mine and I knew she was trying to read me. Can't let that happen. I cocked an eyebrow, clearly waiting impatiently for an answer.

  I'm a bastard.

  She looked down at her feet, "Yes. Let's go."

  That was all that was said. The ride home was tortuously silent, uncomfortable. Horrible. I tried not to look at her. I thought I could show her that I could be understanding and not pressure her into anything she didn't want. It was pure agony to keep my mouth shut and not ask her about what happened.

  God, I'm a jerk.

  By the time we pulled into the driveway, I couldn't take another minute of it. It felt like a 500 pound anvil took up residence on my chest and my head felt like it was about to explode. I walked her to her door, but didn't follow her inside.

  She turned, confused. "You okay?"

  "Yeah. I'm fine. I, uh… I'm going to take off for a little bit. I just… I need to check in with Chris and uh, maybe see if I can pick up some hours tonight." I cringed at my own words. This had to be the way to help her. Right? Give her the space she obviously wanted. I had never done anything like this before and maybe the best way to handle it was to back off and let her do her thing.

  After Mom and Dad, losing someone besides my sister didn't seem like such a big deal. I had Maddy. Family was it. Nothing could be harder than losing family. Right? I could do this.

  But Jocelyn was family, too.

  The look on her face wasn't what I had expected. Fear. Shock. My knees were shaking so much and nearly buckled before I could turn away. I couldn't just take my words back even though I wanted to drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness. I had to get out of there, take a minute to think, calm down.

  Her attention shifted to Monty who was sitting next to her looking more concerned than I thought a dog could ever look.

  "Okay, Andrew. I'll talk to you later, then." She didn't look at me and being the bastard that I am, I walked away fully intending to drink myself into a stupor until there was no room in my mind to think about losing the only person I had ever truly given my heart to. She was going to die. Sooner rather than later because our time was apparently up. She was stubborn and logical and so incredibly stubborn, and I had no intention of ever taking my heart back.

  It was hers now.

  ***

  This was a stupid idea! I shouted to myself over and over again. Chris had already shouted it at me when I showed up at his doorstep and told him everything that had happened. After sitting on his couch and spilling my guts while doing everything in my power to hold back the tears that were burning my eyes and throat, he asked me what the hell I was doing with him and why the hell I wasn't with Jocelyn.

  I told him that I had no idea what to do. He gestured between us and just said, "Well, this right here, isn't it."

  He kicked me out a minute later. I called Maddy, but she was with Jocelyn still after taking Liv home. I asked her how it was going and she just huffed and said, "How do you think?"

  Seemed like everyone knew what to do, but me. Maddy was the only one that had really understood me… until Jocelyn. She would see that I was just trying to give her some space.

  "I love her, Maddy. I don't know how to give her up. I'm not strong enough to…"

  There was some rustling, a door shutting, and another huff from her. She had moved outside so Jocelyn wouldn't hear what she had to say.

  "You are an idiot, Andrew! What makes you think you are giving her up? You not being here is giving up! You think being strong for her means not showing any emotion about anything that's going on? Because if you do, then you are an even bigger idiot than I thought. I know that you had to be tough for me when Mom and Dad died, I get that. We were kids. You thought if you were tough and hid the hurt, I wouldn't cry as much. Well guess what? I still cried every night, but not just for Mom and Dad." She paused and I heard her sniff and clear her throat. "For you, too."

  "What?" I thought back to all the nights Maddy had kissed me on the cheek smiling as she went to bed. She seemed happy and I thought I was doing a good job.

  "Yeah. I cried for you. You didn't allow yourself to be sad in front of me and that broke my heart
. You didn't trust me, your sister, with your emotions. How do you think that made me feel?" Her voice broke on the last word and my heart cracked all over again.

  "I-I… I don't know what to say."

  "That's just it, Drew. You don't have to say anything. You just have to trust her. She needs someone to hold her, not tell her what to do or that everything is going to be okay. She knows better than anyone that's not a guarantee. She just needs you to love her."

  A door opened and I heard Jocelyn's voice telling Maddy about the coming storm and that she had better head home.

  "I hope you heard me, Drew." Then she hung up.

  "God, I really am a jerk."

  Now, after driving around for a couple hours, I was sitting at one of Chris's bars with a shot of whiskey in front of me, that I had yet to touch, and I kept talking to myself and obviously the bartender was a little nervous about that. He kept eyeing me down and tried to stay away from me.

  Chris had already called me to see if I was still acting like an idiot. I told him where I was and that I was just going to take this time to figure out what to say. Or not say according to Maddy.

  What was Jocelyn doing right now? Was she asleep with Liv next to her? She did that some nights when she was too tired to carry her to her room and it was the most beautiful thing. Liv snuggled right into her neck or laid across her chest or stomach and held on tight to her incredible mother. And Jocelyn. So content and holding onto her sweet little girl just as tight.

  I should leave and see if that was happening right now. I would have hated to miss it. But I didn't leave, because I was a coward.

  "Hi there, Andrew. You look lonely." I cringed at the squeaky voice in my ear.

  Oh, hell no! Of course Megan would show up where she wasn't wanted. Just what I didn't need.

  This was a stupid idea!

  Chapter 13

  Jocelyn

  Andrew still hadn't gotten home. It was after 10 o'clock and the storm was worse than ever. Rain was pouring onto the ground in buckets and was showing no signs of stopping. Madison had left with Olivia shortly after her conversation with Andrew. When I asked her if he was okay, she looked like she was about to start crying.