Our Time

by Jessica Wilde

  I knew in the end, everything would be alright. I thought about the feeling I had the night before, in his arms, when he had smiled at me like he knew we had all the time in the world. I had felt peace. Whole.

  Like nothing could take this away from us.

  Andrew

  She was having another bad day.

  It had been a week since I had seen the glaze in her eyes after I showed her the bracelet for Liv. She had been acting so cautious all day and had been moving slowly. I knew she was in pain and I was furious that she had to endure it.

  When Madison showed up with Liv, her face brightened and her eyes cleared, but the occasional wince when she stood up too quickly or shifted her eyes was still there. There was a point when she was talking to Liv that some of her words jumbled and she had to shake her head like she was trying to clear it.

  Monty was nervous, too. He paced the floor near Jocelyn, wherever she was, and was at her feet the moment she spoke to him and had been ever since.

  When Maddy saw the ring on her finger, she squealed and pulled Joss into a tight hug with tears in her eyes, saying how happy she was for us over and over again. When I started toward her to pull her off, afraid she was causing her more pain, Joss scowled at me.

  "Don't you dare, Andrew. Hugs like this only help."

  We had all laughed, but the smile on her face didn't quite reach her eyes and it took everything I had in me not to pull her into my arms and comfort her. The urge to protect her and Olivia was fierce, but the need to make her better was vicious.

  After a lot of subtle prodding from both Maddy and me, she finally went up to her room to lie down, leaving Liv with me and the promise that I would come get her in a couple hours. Needless to say, Monty was on her heels as she made her way up the stairs.

  After that, the rest of the day went smoothly and she felt better after she had rested. When Olivia was in bed and the house was quiet, she let me make love to her slowly. She had given me plenty of not so subtle hints that it was what she wanted, the last being when she had walked out of the bathroom completely naked and demanded that I make love to her. I felt uneasy at the thought of taking advantage of her when she wasn't feeling well, but she didn't let me dwell on it and I am a weak man when it comes to her.

  Now, after a week of good days, happy days that she took advantage of, she was feeling sick again.

  I woke up with her in my arms and her head on my chest, feeling her steady breaths on my skin. I had been running my fingers through her hair when she jerked up and rolled over to the edge of the bed and threw up.

  I shot up and knelt next to her shaking body, holding her hair back as she moaned. The sound ripped through my chest and my own stomach twisted.

  She had been feeling nauseous the night before and had brought in the garbage can from the bathroom and put it on her side of the bed, just in case, so thankfully it was still there.

  "Joss? Baby, what can I do?"

  "Uuggh. It's okay, I'm okay."

  "Do we need to go to the doctor? Maybe I should call--"

  "No. No, don't worry. It's over. I'm okay. Just a little woozy."

  I opened my mouth to argue, but quickly snapped it shut when her color came back into her cheeks and she looked up at me, her dark eyes filled with exhaustion.

  "Please, Andrew. Just help me to the bathroom?"

  She covered her mouth with a hand and started to climb out of the bed. Before she could get her legs over the side, I slipped my arms underneath her and lifted her small frame. She didn't protest and instead, wrapped her arms around my neck and dropped her head on my shoulder.

  I tried to help her clean up, but she had quickly put an end to my hovering and said I would get my chance after the surgery, but she needed to do it herself for as long as possible.

  "I can brush my own teeth, sweetheart," she said wryly and grinned, trying to ease the tension in the small bathroom.

  I rubbed the back of my neck and nodded, almost missing the endearment because of the knot in my chest. "Okay. I'll um… I'll go check on Liv then."

  "Thank you."

  I shut the door behind me and found Monty rigid and alert at the foot of the bed, his ears twitching, waiting to hear how Jocelyn was doing. He had been lying at the foot of the bed when we went to sleep, but wandered out of the room and into Olivia's sometime during the night.

  "She's okay, buddy."

  His head turned, like he was daring me to lie to him again.

  I shoved a hand through my hair and looked down at him. "I don't know, okay? You know how stubborn she is," I muttered and pointed to the door.

  He huffed and moved to the closed bathroom door, dropping down with his nose in the crack underneath.

  I shook my head, just as frustrated as he was, and walked out of the room. Liv was still asleep in her bed so I went downstairs to start some breakfast.

  Chris told me I wasn't allowed to come back to work until Joss was recovered from the surgery, but he gave me the opportunity to do some paper work and scheduling at home so I could keep my pay. I sent him a quick text to let him know I wouldn't be working at all today and he immediately responded, telling me to give Joss a hug from him and Jenny.

  I made some oatmeal with a plate of fruit and a piece of toast and had just set it on a tray to take upstairs when she walked into the kitchen dressed for the day with Monty at her side.

  "You were supposed to get back in bed," I scolded her.

  She just smiled and sat down at the table. "I need to get out today, Andrew."

  "If you are feeling sick, Joss, I don't think--"

  "Please, Andrew. I'm fine, believe me. Whatever this thing is, it's just in a place that makes me dizzy and gives me a headache. I'm good now and I think we should go to the park today, let Monty run around and get out of the house."

  I couldn't argue with her. Not when she was so determined and I didn't want to disappoint her. I set the food in front of her and pulled a chair out next to her, staring at the chip on the table's surface.

  I felt her small, cold hand on my cheek before she spoke.

  "Listen, sweetheart. I know we haven't been thinking about it, but I need you to know, if I have to do chemo after the surgery…" She took a deep breath as I looked at her, she looked so tired. "I won't be able to enjoy days like this for a while and I would rather go out now instead of when I know I will be sick most days. I might be having a bad day, but it could be worse."

  I turned my head and kissed her palm, pressing it to my lips and nodded since I couldn't say no to her if my life depended on it. "Okay."

  She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes and I worried that she was trying to make me feel better when she wasn't sure how she felt. She knew what she wanted, though, and I would be damned if I didn't give her everything I could.

  We ate breakfast and got Liv up and fed before we all got ready to go to the park. Monty looked like he was about to jump out of his fur, he was so excited to get out. I loaded him and Liv into my car while Joss packed some snacks.

  She looked better than she had when we woke up, but she was struggling to carry the small bag on her shoulder. I looked up just as she stumbled in the doorway and put her hand on the frame to steady herself. I was there before she could take another step, my heart completely leaping out of my chest.

  "I just got a little dizzy, that's all," she tried to reassure me, but it wasn't working.

  "Joss, maybe we should--"

  "No! I'm not staying in this house today. We all need some air and I want to watch Liv swing at the park." Her voice cracked with her last words and her eyes pleaded with me. I was once again reminded that she was just as scared as I was, but she wasn't going to let that fear stop her from enjoying her life as it was right now.

  "Okay," I said and offered her my arm. It seemed that was the only word I could ever say anymore.

  She nodded sharply and took my arm, leaning against me to keep steady and walked with me to the car. When she sat down, her head dro
pped back and her eyes closed. I watched her for a moment before shutting the door and saw how relieved she looked. Being cooped up in her bed wasn't doing anything but making her restless, which wouldn't help anything.

  When we pulled up to the curb at the edge of the park, Olivia started clapping and shouting, "Swing, swing."

  Monty's tail was going crazy and would occasionally smack her in the face, which made her giggle, which made Jocelyn giggle, which made me feel like the luckiest man alive.

  We slowly made our way to the grassy area by the swing set and I set out the blanket so Jocelyn could lie down. After tossing a ball for Monty to chase and getting Olivia's shoes off to play in the sand, Jocelyn had already gotten settled on her back and closed her eyes.

  She had said if she needed chemo, her days would be guaranteed to be worse. I silently prayed that whatever this tumor was, removing it would fix everything. I didn't think I would be able to watch her suffer through endless nights of nausea and always wondering if the medicine was even doing its job. But I would. I wouldn't leave her side. I wouldn't leave her alone.

  I helped Liv up into the swing and started to push her while throwing the ball for Monty whenever he brought it over to me. There wasn't anyone else around, which seemed odd for the afternoon, but I was glad there weren't more kids running around. Jocelyn needed to rest a bit.

  A half hour later, Liv was done playing in the sand and was ready for a snack. Joss had been watching us from her spot on the blanket and smiled brightly when I walked over with Liv trying to sweep the sand out of her hair and pants. She wasn't holding still and I ended up chasing her part of the way with her collapsing on top of her mom, giggling.

  "You silly girl," she said and tickled her.

  I handed her the pack of fruit snacks and she moved to sit next to Monty on the grass and started talking to him and sharing her treat. He sat rigid with his ears perked, watching her pop each one into her mouth and hurried in to snatch up any she offered.

  I stretched out next to Jocelyn. "You good?" I asked and ran my hand across her stomach to grasp her waist and slide her closer to me. She was so soft and seemed so fragile in my arms.

  "I'm great, Andrew," she sighed and looked up at the sky.

  "Good."

  I shifted down until I could rest my head on her stomach and she immediately buried her fingers in my hair and started massaging my scalp. I moaned as the pleasure rippled through the rest of my body. Her hands on me was the greatest feeling in the world. I closed my eyes and basked in her touch while listening for any movement from Olivia, ready to get up if she wanted to play more.

  "Relax, babe. She won't go too far."

  I chuckled, "I am relaxed. I just don't want you to have to get up."

  She was silent for a few moments, then sighed and cupped her hand under my chin and tilted my face to look at her. I did willingly and saw her eyebrows knitted together and her lips pursed. I wanted to kiss those lips and make her forget whatever it was that was bothering her.

  "I can do this, Andrew. I know I may not have given you that impression at first, but I promise you, I can do this."

  I sat up and shifted so I could cradle her face in my hands. I kissed her softly, feeling the softness of her lips press against mine and enjoying the shiver that ran up my spine, then made a trail of kisses down to her chin, across her jaw and over her cheek to return to her now smiling lips.

  "I know you can. You just don't have to do it alone anymore."

  Her smile widened, but her eyes misted and I couldn't do anything other than kiss her like she was the air I needed to breathe.

  She was.

  I wouldn't know what to do if I lost her.

  The heart-wrenching fear that I had kept at bay for the last week suddenly curled around inside of me.

  "I love you, Andrew," she whispered against my mouth.

  "I love you, too." I kissed her harder and wrapped my hand around the back of her head to keep her close. Don't leave me, I wanted to say, but kept quiet. Please, don't leave me.

  Chapter 15

  Jocelyn

  Our last day at the park was the last day of sunshine, both literally and metaphorically. Andrew retreated into himself after we got home and by the time we got Olivia into bed, he hadn't spoken more than a few words to me.

  I already knew this kind of thing was hard for me, hard to put on a happy face and pretend like I wasn't affected. I didn't realize how much of an effort he was putting into it as well.

  There was nothing we could do about it, though. We just had to be patient, but as the days went by, it was almost impossible to put a smile on my face.

  Ben and Linda showed up a couple days later with their two kids, Evan and Sarah, who were 7 year old twins. Linda looked like she was about to swoon when Andrew gave her a hug after being introduced. I started laughing after Ben yanked her away from him and told her she was stuck with him whether she liked it or not. They bickered back and forth for a minute about his belly and I was in tears with laughter. Evan and Sarah just rolled their eyes and started playing with Olivia in the living room.

  I had missed them more than I realized and Linda and I were crying five minutes into our discussion about the wedding. She almost yanked my arm off trying to see the ring.

  "Oh, Joss. You look so happy," Linda said after the guys walked outside to start the grill for hamburgers.

  "I am."

  "He treats you well?"

  I smiled and nodded, "Better than well. He's wonderful."

  "Yes he is," she sang and cocked her eyebrow as she peered out the door to look at him.

  I slapped her on the shoulder, "Stop it! Ben is going to have a heart attack if he thinks he has to compete with that."

  "Ha! Like he would have to. That man is stuck to you like glue, sweetie. I can tell he really loves you."

  "Yeah, he does," I sighed. "That's why it makes everything so much harder."

  "Mommy!" Olivia screamed from the living room, startling both of us and making me jump out of my chair to hurry over to her. My head swam as I shot up and I stumbled after the first couple of steps, but caught myself in the doorway of the kitchen.

  "She's okay, Joss," Sarah shouted. "I just scared her a little."

  I was clutching the door frame and trying to clear my head, relieved that my little girl wasn't hurt, but concerned that the dizziness was only getting worse. Linda was at my side with her hands on my elbows, attempting to steady me, but I could feel myself start to fall and the tile floor was rushing up to meet me.

  "Joss!"

  Strong arms wrapped around me before I face planted and hauled me up against a firm chest. I closed my eyes and took a few slow, deep breaths as Andrew held me. He must have heard Olivia scream because only a few seconds had passed since I had stood, yet he was there to catch me.

  "Take her upstairs, Andrew," I heard Ben command. "Let's give her a little break."

  I felt Andrew's arms slide beneath my thighs and he lifted me into his arms. I was still trying to hold my head steady against the dizziness and didn't realize I was lying in my bed until he returned with the garbage can from the bathroom.

  "I'm sorry," I rasped.

  "No, baby. You have nothing to be sorry about."

  "I ruined a happy day," I cried. "Everything has been so gloomy and sad, but today was finally…"

  I trailed off as bile rose up from my stomach, then leaned over the edge of the bed and heaved into the empty garbage can. He was there, holding back my hair, rubbing my back, soothing me with tender words.

  "Oh God," I groaned as I laid my head back on my pillow.

  Andrew hurried to the bathroom and returned with a glass of water to rinse out my mouth.

  "Thank you, this dizziness is just crazy."

  He knelt on the floor and helped me tip the glass back. I swished the water around and spit it into the garbage can, then let him set the glass aside. He stroked my hair away from my face and gazed down at me with a thoughtful look on his ha
ndsome face. He looked sad and I felt awful for bringing this dark cloud over our day. He had been so quiet since the park and I had been starting to lose it.

  Until this morning, when he woke me up with his kisses and took his time making love to me. He had whispered tender words to me then, too, and all had been right with the world.

  Now?

  "Jocelyn, baby, please don't cry."

  I hadn't noticed that hot tears were already falling down my cheeks until he gently wiped them away and kissed the trails they had left. His eyes were dim and his lips formed a tight line.

  I wanted to apologize for being a blubbering idiot, but I had already apologized for everything else and I had no doubt he would scold me for doing it again when he thought there was no need. The last week and a half had been like a roller coaster, with ups and downs, positives and negatives. Me feeling like I could really do this with him at my side and me feeling like giving up completely and running away from the pain.

  I couldn't decide how I truly felt about everything. The only thing I knew was that Olivia needed her mommy to keep fighting and Andrew wasn't going to let me stop fighting.

  "I'm so sorry, Andrew."

  "Joss--"

  "I don't want you to have to deal with this."

  "Jocelyn--"

  "It's just so hard."

  He pressed his fingers against my lips and the familiar hum of awareness overshadowed the dizziness.

  "I know it's hard," he said sullenly. "It's almost impossible, but there is nowhere else I'd rather be. You are everything to me. You have made me want to be a better man, Joss. Don't ever be sorry for that."

  I didn't know what to say, so I just laid there, staring at him and memorizing the planes of his face like it was the last time I would see them and he let me. He didn't say anything else for a long time. He just ran his fingers through my hair until the dizziness faded and I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer.

  I wouldn't stop fighting.

  ***

  "Maddy, if you don't stop fidgeting, I'm pulling over and making you and Joss switch places."