Deepest Desire

by Weston Parker

  I watched him numbly, not sure who I was staring at anymore.

  "I know that you hate me, and that's fine." He breathed in deeply and studied me. "You're all I have left."

  "You should have killed me. This isn't going to work out well for either of us. When I gain my strength back, I will come after you while you sleep. I'll be the one above you while you take your last breath." I ground my teeth together and sat down, unable to stand any longer. "You should go get your gun now, Papa. Take me out. Get it over with."

  His eyes filled with tears, as if the fucker had a soul. He glanced out toward the snow as his tears began to fall. "Terrance wanted retribution for what happened to his wife, and honestly, who could blame him. He cleared his own name in your mother's death and flew here to meet with me. I knew the price would be great, but not nearly as great as it was."

  Horror lodged in my chest. "What did you do?"

  He glanced over at me. "I had a choice to make. It's one you'll never have to face because I won't let you go through that kind of pain." He pointed to my chest and waved his finger around. "This shit is nothing compared to losing someone you love."

  "I lost them too," I barked loudly.

  "But you didn't have to choose, Erik." He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose as a sob rose up out of him that broke me. "He wanted you both. He lost everything when I killed his wife. She was pregnant, but I had no clue, so two deaths sat on my head."

  "Oh my God." I pressed my hand to my mouth. "You knew they were coming that day."

  He nodded and turned his attention back to me. "I had no choice with Delaney, but with you, I couldn't let him have you. I told you to go with Nate and do that first hit. Do you remember?"

  "How could I forget? I've lived with the regret of leaving the house that morning for ten years."

  "And I've lived with so much more." He wiped at his face and stood. "The hit was on a Mister Carlos Vantaga. He was Terrance’s nemesis; the bastard having been a thorn in Terrance's side since they were boys. I offered Delaney and the hit."

  "You sent me to kill someone that another Don couldn't get rid of while you let them come in here and take my baby sister?" Bile rose up in my throat.

  His eyes darkened as he lifted his finger. "You have no fucking clue what I've been through. I saved you from being torn apart by monsters."

  "So that you would have someone to keep your inheritance alive. You don't give a shit about me. You care about you. You probably killed Mom too."

  He crossed the room and slapped me in the face. "You're alive because I kept you alive. Don't ever forget that."

  "I wish you would have let them take me too," I mumbled and wrapped my arms around myself. I wasn't a man anymore, but a small boy trapped in a nightmare. Everything I knew to be true was a fucking lie, and the man I'd love for the entirety of my life was the devil himself.

  I'd get my strength back, and then I'd kill him. I had no other choice.

  ***

  "Bro?" Nate's voice was soft as he stuck his head inside my bedroom.

  I was wrapped up in a thick blanket, sitting on the chair near the window, letting the snow blow in on me. "What?"

  "You doing okay?" He closed the door and moved over to kneel in front of me. The worry on his face should have touched my heart, but it didn't. I wasn't sure I had one anymore.

  "I'm alive, man. That's as good as it gets." I continued to stare out the window. I wanted to ask about Grace, but it was a dead subject. We were nothing to each other but a hopeful ending. It was sick and overrated.

  "I just left your father's office."

  "Awesome." I blinked slowly and focused on my breathing. My only task was to get better.

  "He said that Fredrick is late on his payment." Nate reached out and gripped my shoulder, rubbing softly. "Erik. What the fuck did he do to you man? Talk to me. It's me."

  I glanced over at him and turned away. I didn't have much control over the last of my emotions as my heart died in my chest. His face opened up too many wounds, the memories good and bad. He'd taken four bullets for me the day we killed Carlos for my father. Little did we know that my sister was being taken while we were gone. Nate would die inside just like I had.

  "Are you going on the hit to kill Fredrick?" I snorted. The irony of it all. Nate liked Fredrick a lot and had been working for the guy for a long time.

  "No. You are." He glanced down.

  "I'm not doing anything for that bastard anymore. He can put a bullet in my skull." I shrugged and closed my eyes. "I'm tired man. Get out."

  "Erik. Dude, please. You're scaring me. I need to tell you something, but I'm not sure you're going to hear me right now."

  "Get out!" I turned and screamed in his face. "Now!"

  He stood and lifted his hand. "Alright. I'll be back soon though. If you need me-"

  "I won't. Get out and don't come back, Nate. Whatever friendship we had is dead. Leave me the fuck alone." I pulled my blanket closer and leaned to my right, pressing my bruised cheek to my shoulder. "And tell Kane to deal with Fredrick. If he doesn't have the money, I'm sure he has something in his past that will cripple him. Just stay out of it. I'll have you out of this shit soon."

  "Out of what shit?" His voice was far too timid to sound like the Nate I knew.

  "The syndicate." I closed my eyes and took a slow, deep breath. The icy cold of winter rushed over me, leaving me more alive than I could remember ever feeling. Except when I was in Grace's arms.

  "Erik."

  I came up out of my chair and turned to face him as the blanket fell. "I swear to God I'm going to fucking blow your cock off if you don't get out of here."

  "Holy shit." He cupped his hand over his mouth and stumbled back. "Erik, man. We have to get you to a hospital."

  "Get out." I stumbled toward my nightstand and got my gun, turning and lifting it toward him. I jerked to the left and let off a round as he stood in stony silence, his face a mask of horror.

  "Did your father do this shit to you?"

  "I'll shoot you, Nate. I don't care who you are. I don't want anyone around me. Not ever again. "I jerked the gun toward the ground and shot at the floor in front of him, causing him to stumble back toward the door.

  "I'm leaving, but I'm here for you." He reached for the door, opening it and talking to the guy who came running. He was almost through the door when he paused and turned, dropping a bomb on me that I wasn't sure how to recover from. "I came by to tell you that Grace is pregnant, man. It's yours."

  "Get out." I put my back to him as the air seemed so hard to breathe all of a sudden. Grace was pregnant? It had to be mine. He said it was mine, right? "Nate?" I jerked around, but he was already gone.

  Fuck me. Grace had my baby inside of her? No. This was terrible news. There was no way I could be with her after what happened, after my father's threats. Even if I put a bullet in his head, could I really go to her? She'd chosen freedom, Thomas, normalcy over me. She'd rejected my hopes of getting out town together.

  "She didn't even try to call, knowing my father would most likely kill me." I dropped down on the side of my bed so fucking weary.

  Pregnant? It didn't matter. It couldn't.

  I sat there for an hour, thinking through the possibilities and knowing that I had to see her. At least one last time before the showdown with my old man. It took me for-fucking-ever to get dressed, but once I was, I grabbed my gun and walked through the house, ready to shoot anyone that even paused to look at me wrong.

  The laughter from the dining room made me sick. Thanksgiving dinner was a joke. Life was a bitch, and then you died alone, starving for affection.

  "What the fuck do we have to be thankful about?" I walked out into the snow and got in my father's jeep. Grace would probably be with her family, or maybe not. I wasn't nearly that lucky.

  Pregnant. How fucked up was that?

  Chapter 26

  Grace

  Everything hurt as I lay on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, my heart
broken and life shattered by a few stupid decisions. I should have gone with Erik out of town when he asked me to that night, but I knew the consequences of that. His father wasn't anything like him. He would find us and kill us both.

  The asshole knew he was sending Erik to kill my brother. He was probably the one who had Cole bring me to the frat house that night. But why? Tears dripped down my face, and I cuddled up tighter on the couch. What had I done to deserve such hatred?

  Did Lucien really not want Erik to find love? To be secure in a relationship outside of theirs? A soft knock at the door had my heart skipping a beat. Jenna? Had to be.

  Thomas was visiting our parents for the holidays, but I faked a sickness to keep from going. My mother would see my baby bump and watch me vomit a few times and know exactly what was wrong with me. She'd demean me and make me feel like I was nothing more than the whore I was. It wasn't happening.

  I got up and walked toward the door, ignoring the tiny tank top and boy shorts I had on. Jenna wouldn't care. "Coming."

  Shock rolled over me quickly followed by horror as I opened the door. Erik stood on the other side of the door, his beautiful face black and blue, his eye swollen shut and lip busted pretty bad.

  "Oh my God." I reached for him and pulled him into the apartment. "Baby, what happened to you?"

  "Nate stopped by." His voice was low, his tone dead. "He said you're pregnant. I came by to see what you wanted to do with it."

  "Erik." I reached up and touched the side of his face tenderly. "Sit down and let me put something on this. It looks infected."

  He sat down on the coffee table and clasped his hands in his lap looking nothing like the man I fell in love with. He was broken, darkened, lost. He didn't say a word as I dropped my blanket and jogged back to the bathroom, stifling a sob.

  It was my fault. Him getting beaten within an inch of his life was all my fault. I hated myself like never before. After getting the supplies to clean up his face, I paused and pressed a towel against my lips, shoving a little into my mouth as I screamed as hard as I could a few times. My insides were going to burst open with the level of emotion that raged through me.

  I forced myself to calm down, breathed in deeply and walked back into the living room to find him in the same position he was before.

  "When did this happen?" I sat down and moved closer, snuggling between his open legs on my knees before him.

  "A couple of weeks ago." He gripped his thighs and stared down at me. "You need money for an abortion?"

  "What? No." I grabbed some cotton balls and soaked them in rubbing alcohol before lifting up and patting the side of his face. His dark eyes bore into my soul as he watched me. If he loved me before, he didn't anymore.

  "Where's your brother?" He turned his head, ignoring the fact that I was trying to patch up his face.

  "Sit on the couch and stay still." I moved and pointed toward the couch.

  He got up and pulled his shirt over his head and walked to the window, opening it and standing there a minute. "It's fucking hot in here."

  Dark yellow and black bruises covered his beautiful back and stitches ran down his side and over his chest in several places. He avoided my stare as he moved to the couch and dropped down.

  "You're running a fever. We need to get you to a hospital."

  "No," he barked. "I'm fine. Just tell me about the baby, and I'll be gone. I didn't come here for your sympathy, Grace. I made my choice." He narrowed his eyes. "And you made yours."

  I sat back on my heels as sorrow welled up inside of me. I'd never been enough for anyone, and yet for him, it seems as though I was. The one thing I wanted in my life sat in front of me, broken and bruised because of me turning away.

  "What choice did I have? You had a gun pointed at my brother's head." My eyes filled with tears again. I had no clue how I still had enough water inside of me to cry anymore. I'd done nothing since losing him two weeks before. "Would you have chosen me over Delaney, Erik?"

  "I don't know." He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting out a painful sigh. "I'm so tired, Grace. I knew what to do before, what I wanted and how to get it. Now... I just want to lay down and sleep. Forever."

  I dropped the cotton ball and moved into his lap, straddling him. I ran my fingernails softly over his thick chest and avoided the sores. "What can I do? I'll do anything to take your pain away."

  He opened his eyes. "Leave town and never come back."

  "What? My life is here. You're here. My friends are here."

  "Get rid of the baby." He ran his hands up my thighs, squeezing softly as he lifted his hips. "He doesn't deserve any life where he belongs to me. No life is better than this one."

  I moved closer, laying my head on his chest and pressing my lips to his neck, kissing him softly over and over as I started to cry, my heart in anguish to the point of death.

  "Please don't say that again." I reached up and cupped his face, moving in to kiss him on the good side of his mouth. "I had no choice but to try and protect you, Erik. You know that."

  "And I returned the favor. We're even, angel. Nothing owed from me or you." He pressed his hand against my back, forcing me to fall against his chest. The soft groan from him sounded like a mixture of pleasure and pain.

  "I love you. I'll always love you, Erik." I wrapped my arms around his neck and rolled my hips, massaging the budding erection rising beneath me.

  He cupped my ass and slipped his hands into my shorts, petting the most sacred parts of me, places only he'd touched. "I'm sorry to hear that." He kissed the side of my neck and rimmed my opening before taking a deep breath and releasing me. "Get off me, please."

  "No." I clung to him, my heart threatening to explode in my chest. "Don't do this. Let's get out of here and run. You know that's our only hope."

  He chuckled and moved up, putting me on the couch beside him as he stood. "There's no hope left, Grace. Go back to your life and find a man to make you happy." He walked to the door and paused. "I'll be watching from the corner of the library. If anyone ever touches you or our son without your permission, I'll kill them."

  "How do you know it's a boy?" I stood and ran my hands down my abdomen, watching him.

  The light in his eyes was completely gone, but something sparked a little as he reached out and pressed his palm to my stomach. "We Bertinellis always have boys first. It's a family curse." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Take care."

  "Erik." I walked behind him and reached out, grabbing his shirt. "Please don't do this. We can leave together and raise this baby like he should be."

  He turned to face me and nodded. "And always watch behind us, never truly knowing freedom until one day they find us." He smirked. "And they force me to watch while you're raped and torn in two and then they-" his voice broke as tears swam in his beautiful eyes, "and then they turn to my son. They don't ever give up, Grace. Vengeance and hate force them to keep killing, to keep taking, to always destroy. It's the world I've been born into." He lifted his hands. "The one that will always belong to me."

  "No." I reached out and touched his chest. "It doesn't have to. I can heal it for you. I can protect myself. I'll do anything."

  He reached out and touched the side of my face. "Then do what I asked you to do. Get rid of the baby or get out of the city and change your name. You're a dumb bitch if you don't."

  I stepped back, appalled as he turned and walked down the hallway, leaving me there with nothing more than a broken heart and a destroyed spirit.

  He wasn't the man I thought he was. He was his father's son.

  ***

  "You know this is crazy, right?" Cole glanced over at me as we drove toward the Bertinelli mansion.

  "I don't know what else to do." I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. "I sat on the couch forever and realized something, Cole. He's turning away from me to protect me. I did that to him two weeks ago, and it blew up in my face. If he would have called me on it, we might be together, but he didn't. This mor
ning when he came by, he was so fucked up." I pressed my hands to my face. "I should have called him on it, forced myself on him, made love to him. Something."

  He snorted. "Made love to him?"

  "Yes," I bit out and gave him a stern look. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. Just get me into the mansion and show me where Erik's father is. I'll take care of the rest from there."

  "I don't like it, Grace. I've been working to keep you safe this whole damn time too."

  "Why?" I glanced over at him.

  "Because I care about Erik's safety. I never had a father, but in working for Lucien for this short amount of time, I'll tell you this... I'd rather have nothing than what Erik's had. The man is sick. Incredibly sick. I knew this wouldn't end well." He pulled up to a thick line of trees. "We're going to have to sneak you in. Stay here, and I'll be back in a few minutes, okay? It's going to be dark soon, which will help a little."

  "Okay." I tried to be brave, but I couldn't seem to slow my racing heart. What if I couldn't pull the trigger? What if I killed Erik's father and he hated me for it? What if there were more to the situation than I could see? I was so fucking naive and young.

  Cole came back a few minutes later with the big ugly asshole that tried to kill my brother. "Grace. This is Kane. He's Erik's right hand."

  Kane nodded. "Sorry about the shit with your brother. We don't really get to make the call on who has to die."

  "Fuck you." I got out of the car and walked around to stand between the two of them. "Why is he here?"

  "He's gonna help us." Cole lifted his hand and turned as four big guys stepped out of the darkness. "Run, Grace. Run."

  I took off toward the house but didn't get far. The sound of fighting filled up the night around me, but the guy on top of me wrapped something around my face that smelled like embalming fluid. I tried to hold my breath and fight against him, but it was no use.

  I'd failed like I had so many other times in my life. Why didn't I just ignore the desire to get to know Erik Bertinelli, the draw to love a dangerous man like him? The untapped desire to belong.