Reclaiming Us

by Richard, Nicole

  “What?”

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. What did I want to say to him? I had no idea. I turned and looked over my shoulder, trying to find the words. The flag was being offered to Lilly, but she shook her head and pointed to Mrs. Gibson. The guard stepped to the side and placed the flag into Mrs. Gibson’s lap. My heart broke for her as she leaned and sobbed against her husband’s chest, clutching onto the only piece of her son she had left. The service would be concluding soon, so if there was something I wanted to say . . . I needed to say it quick.

  “I’m sorry, I should’ve said something.” He turned his back to me, and I thought he was going to walk away, so I reached for him. “RJ, will you . . .”

  “What, Addilyn, what do you want?” he snapped.

  “I’m not sure.”

  He looked over his shoulder, and as we stared each other down, an indescribable feeling washed over me.

  His eyes moved to where my fingers were clutched around his bicep then looked back up. It was obvious he didn’t want me touching him, so I let my hand fall away.

  “You should get back to your friends and family.” He breathed the words, his voice an arctic chill.

  “But . . . I thought you might need a friend.” The bastard had the nerve to scoff and let a sardonic smirk pull at the side of his lips.

  “Right. Cause that’s what we are—friends.” He gestured his chin toward Tyler’s casket. “Friends share the news when another friend is dead.” He clenched his teeth, and my eyes shifted to the deep rise and fall of his chest. “Friends are there for one another and don’t abandon the other in hard times.” His words sliced through my heart. “That is the only friend I had. Do you know who I have now?” I didn’t answer. “No one. Not a goddamn single soul.” His words were gritty and full of a sadness I couldn’t comprehend. I hadn’t thought my heart could possibly hurt anymore, but there it was, breaking.

  “But you have me.”

  The indignation that washed over his face told me just how wrong that response was.

  “By the look of that pretty diamond sitting tight on your finger, I would have to say you’re a liar.”

  I didn’t do it to hide the ring, but I was sure that was what it looked like when I crossed my arms. I hugged myself tighter and blinked back the tears. In that moment, it didn’t matter that he tore my heart to shreds. I no longer cared about the past. I just wanted to pick up every last piece of his shattered heart and help him put it back together.

  Taking a deep breath, I shoved down the forgiveness working its way to my lips.

  With a little force, he grabbed me by the wrist and held my left hand suspended at eye level. “If you’re embarrassed that I saw it, then I think that says something, don’t you?” He dropped my wrist and stepped closer to me, invading my space and making a flush creep up my neck. “I should hate you right now, Addie,” he said as his eyes traced over my features before landing on my parted lips. “And nobody would blame you for hating me, too.”

  “I’m not, and I don’t.” I shook my head. “Not anymore.” I leaned into him a fraction of an inch, and the air charged in the little space between us.

  “Looks like you’re off the hook.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but then he stepped back around me and walked to where AJ was waiting for him. The service was over.

  At a loss for what to do next, I remained rooted in my same exact spot until RJ’s truck taillights were two tiny red dots.

  A gentle hand pressed against my shoulder brought me back, and I turned to see Amanda and Dusty standing there next to me.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as I pulled her in for a hug. Dusty offered me a small wave and a nod.

  “Tyler was a good friend of Dusty’s.” That was unexpected.

  He nodded. “We did basics together. Sad to see another one go, he was a bright kid. You and Tyler related?”

  I shook my head, trying my best to hold back the tears. “We went to high school together.” Dusty nodded in understanding.

  “I thought you were taking some extra time off and extending your stay with your parents?” I changed the subject.

  “We were, we got back last night so we could be here,” Amanda answered.

  “Thank you. I’m sure Tyler would appreciate it.” As soon as his name passed my lips, I wanted to cry. The weight of the day had become too much to bear. “Will you excuse me please?”

  I didn’t wait to see the sympathy in their eyes before turning and abandoning my friends.

  That huge rock on her finger made all my thoughts go haywire, and my gut felt the impact.

  She is marrying someone else.

  What the fuck happened to the promise we made?

  I looked toward the floorboard, making sure my cooler with my six‑pack sat beside me. I didn’t give a shit. I knew better than to mix alcohol with anxiety meds. I should have known those pills weren’t strong enough to ward off anything when it came to Addie Mae. Seeing her today made my brain spin out of control.

  “How the fuck could you break our promise?”

  Everything about this day became too much. I cut the steering wheel on a sharp right, floored the gas pedal, and held it there, spinning out of control in a whirlwind cloud of dust.

  “WHY!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Why the fuck did you leave?” I hit the steering wheel. “Why the fuck did you have to take him?” My truck barreled into the dirt clearing that Tyler and I had spent so much fucking time at, and I slammed on the brakes—hard, barely registering the way my head jerked forward or the way the seatbelt cut into my chest. I inhaled sharp breaths as my lungs fought for air, and my heart begged to slow down all while struggling to keep up.

  Then, as I sat there in the middle of nowhere listening to the sound of my idling engine, everything seemed to calm. A tear rolled down the side of my face, and I laughed. “You’d probably punch me right now for crying like a fucking pussy.” I laughed again and rubbed my palm against the side of my eye. “I’m gonna fucking miss you, bro.”

  Reaching toward the floorboard, I grabbed my cooler and made my way to the back of the truck, ignoring the fact that I had come to a stop only inches from the wooden planks of the dock. The second I set the tailgate down and the cooler on top, I remembered leaving Lilly behind. What an asshole I was for just leaving her there to fend for herself. I was so fucked up in my own head, I completely forgot about her. Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I sent her an apology text.

  Me: Hey, Lilly, sorry. I just needed to get out of there.

  I hopped up onto the tailgate so my legs dangled over the edge and waited.

  Lilly: Don’t even worry about it. Take care of yourself.

  Me: Thanks. I’ll check on you later.

  I tossed my phone to the side and grabbed a beer. I didn’t want to think about the coffin or the flag draped over it, the grief that tarnished Mrs. Gibson’s beautiful face, Lilly and how she just buried her husband and high school sweetheart. It was all I could focus on. Addie tried to cut through the thoughts, but I pushed her away, refusing to drag myself deeper.

  I tried to hone in on the ripples of water so I didn’t have to acknowledge the sound of a car door opening and closing behind me. Silently, I counted to ten, took a swig from the beer, and concentrated on the sound of gravel shifting under someone’s footsteps. I may get lucky and whoever it was would move on once they saw someone was already there, but they didn’t.

  “Should’ve known you’d find me,” I said flatly. The soft sound of her breath hitching put a plastic smile on my face.

  “How’d you know it was me?”

  I turned to look over my shoulder. She pressed the front of her body against the side of the truck, keeping a barrier between us. “I always know when you’re around.” I chugged the rest of my beer before crunching the aluminum and tossing it over my shoulder into the bed of the truck. Why couldn’t she just leave me the fuck alone? I spent a lot of time avoiding her, and today she se
emed to be everywhere. I was already teetering between infuriated and mindless. I wanted to shove her up against the side of my truck and fuck her senseless—back into my life. Shit, today was another day of mind fucks.

  “Want one?” I asked as I stuck my hand in the cooler.

  “Sure, why not.” She gave me a tight smile and moved to sit next to me.

  I pulled one out, opened it, and then handed it to her before grabbing one for myself. She held the can up, and this time when she smiled, it was genuine, even if it did hint at a bit of sadness. My internal turmoil caused a jolt of pain to shoot through my chest. Crucial to my well‑being, refusing to do another downward spiral, I reminded myself to remain calm, to breathe evenly, and take control of my erratically beating heart. There was no fucking way I would let myself pass out. I sat there, wondering why the fuck I took those pills if they weren’t even helping the situation.

  “RJ?” Addie whispered. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine. I’m fine.” I didn’t believe that, and I knew she didn’t either. Watching her fidget, biting on her thumbnail, I knew she wanted to say something. “What is it?”

  We turned in time to look at one another, and when our eyes met, I traveled back to the teenage boy who was madly in love with this beautiful girl. I blinked, and the thought was gone. She wasn’t my girl anymore. She had made that same promise of forever to someone else.

  “How are you taking all this? I mean Ty, how are you handling his . . . passing?”

  I wasn’t handling it at all. I was numbing it. The only thing that reeled through my mind was the fact that my best friend was dead. What would happen after the grief actually sank in and took up residence in my soul? Maybe then, I’d be able to answer that question honestly.

  I huffed and rubbed the back of my neck. “I have been more concerned with getting through today. Technically, until today was over, he was still here.”

  “I hate seeing you like this. I meant what I said earlier, if you need—”

  “Addie.” I blew out a breath and looked at her from the side of my eye. “Cut the bullshit. We haven’t been anything for almost seven fucking years, and you know it.”

  “Un‑fucking‑believable.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Not once did you ever disrespect me, and of all days, you choose today? You know, you don’t have to be such a prick. I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment from you, so forgive me for trying to look past all our shit. You don’t think I know how much this is killing you?” She leaned forward, getting in my face. “You think you’re the only one that hurts?” Her teeth clenched. “Next to Lilly, Tyler was my best friend, too.” Her voice was full of disgust. “You’re such an asshole.” Addie hopped off the tailgate and stomped away, and like the fucking idiot I was always trailing a few feet behind, I hopped off to follow her.

  “Addie Mae, stop.” She did but remained with her back to me. “You’re wearing a ring from another man. I haven’t seen or heard from you in seven years, how do you expect me to react?” She was quickly getting on my fucking nerves.

  “We were kids when we made that promise to each other. Get over it—I have.”

  What the fuck was that supposed to mean? She got over me? How the fuck could she just get over me?

  Of course she is over me, moron, she is engaged to someone else.

  “Where’s your boyfriend?” I hollered, refusing to call him anything more. Boyfriend alone left a rancid taste in my mouth.

  She stopped again, not meeting my eyes. “My fiancé is at home tending to business.”

  Business, my ass.

  She just celebrated her birthday, was he not here to celebrate it with her? When I thought about it, I realized I hadn’t seen her with anyone at the party, either.

  I tucked my hands deep in my pockets and hunched my shoulders. Just looking at her made my nerves twitch. “Must be some important business if he can’t even be here for you on a day like today?”

  “Screw you, RJ.” She flipped me the middle finger and stomped off.

  “Yeah . . . always a pleasure seeing you, too,” I whispered as I breathed in her dust.

  “Miss M.! Miss M.” Katiebelle wobbled as she shook my arm.

  “Yes.”

  “The bell is ringing, can we go home now?” She tugged on my arm as I held my stare on the two dismissal lines that had already formed.

  “All right, students, don’t forget about your reading assignment and your math puzzle sheet. Have a good weekend, and I’ll see y’all on Monday.” I walked outside of my classroom and waited.

  All twenty‑seven students squealed. “No pushing, David.” I waited until the last child had passed through the doorway and was picked up by their parent or grandparent.

  I sat in my seat and my head fell into my hands.

  In the last five or six weeks, my life had boiled down to a revolving door of paranoia and uncertainty. The former was just my need to stay far away from RJ, and I found myself constantly scanning for him. I told myself it was so I could avoid him. The uncertainty was due to the growing distance between Jase and me, which had grown exponentially since Tyler’s funeral. Jase decided that the next morning was appropriate enough to notify his fiancée that he was alive and breathing.

  Constantly replaying the day down by the dock, I was still trying to figure out why I had offered RJ my friendship. It was obvious to the both of us that there were still unresolved feelings, both good and bad, and the seven years of silence didn’t help.

  I found myself constantly wondering what would have happened if I had explained my reasons for separating instead of just leaving. Would we have lasted like Lilly and Tyler had? Back then, I had everything I wanted with him. I hadn’t wanted to experience anything without him. Yet, I’d still made the choice to leave, truly believing I had been making the right choice. That RJ would have been better off without me. I hadn’t been brave enough to face him or try to talk to him. I hadn’t wanted to have that fight. Looking back on that time in my life, I couldn’t wrap my mind around how incredibly selfish that choice was.

  Then my thoughts shifted yet again, and I huffed, mentally questioning if Jase would actually show up this weekend. He was supposed to be there later this afternoon, but I hadn’t heard from him, and all my texts had gone unanswered. I knew there was something going on with him and his residency, but he wouldn’t talk to me about it and it was driving a wedge between us.

  “Hey, you’re still here?” Amanda said as she stepped into the room.

  “Yeah, I was just wrapping up next week’s lesson plan.”

  She glanced at her watch and looked back at me confused. “Weren’t you supposed to meet your mother for a dress fitting like twenty minutes ago?”

  “I completely forgot.” I got up and scrambled, shoving my things into my bag. “Would you mind locking up? I’m going to be so late.”

  She smiled and waved me off. “Go. Don’t even worry about.”

  “Thank you! You’re an angel,” I blurted before blowing her air kisses as I rushed by her, almost dropping my coffee mug as I did.

  Ten minutes into my drive, a sharp pain sliced through the left side of my lower abdomen, causing me to lean over and hold my side without driving off the road.

  Each and every time my stomach cramped, fright gripped at me anticipating a fainting spell. The fear and anxiety of having a miscarriage had wrecked me even after all these years. A wave of nausea barreled through me, and I decided that the dress fitting could wait.

  When I caught a red light, I fumbled with my phone, hurrying to send my mom a text telling her I was sick and couldn’t make it. Driving past two side streets, I took a left, not caring that I was taking the long way home. Then I turned up the radio to drown out my thoughts about a baby I never had, a fiancé I thought I might be losing, and a love that I should have moved past years ago.

  The minute I pulled into my driveway, I shoved my car in park and rushed straight for my bathroom. It had become a habit to alw
ays keep a box of pregnancy tests on hand—just in case. I wasn’t on the pill, and it wasn’t as if Jase and I were careful. The night he asked me to marry him was the first night we had sex without protection, which was stupid of us. He wasn’t ready for kids, and I didn’t want to walk down the aisle pregnant, but I didn’t push the issue. He was going to be my husband, and we were both very aware of the risks.

  I ripped the package open and was ready to take the test, but stopped. Another wave of nausea hit, and I cringed at the sound of his voice.

  “Baby.”

  What the hell?

  I heard the sound of keys hitting the entrance table, and I rushed to shut and lock the bathroom door.

  “In the bathroom, I’ll be just a minute.” I guessed Jase ran out of bullshit excuses.

  Rushing around the bathroom, I hid the box of unopened tests and then wrapped the open unused one in toilet paper before stuffing it under some trash in the wastebasket. Taking a good look in the mirror, I calmed myself down, fluffed my hair, and put on a great big plastic smile.

  “Hey, I wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not.”

  Jase looked at me with a look of confusion, as if to say, “Why the fuck do I have to confirm plans to spend the weekend with my fiancée?”

  I smiled wider, trying to hide the doubt that had been sneaking in on a daily basis. Then, to appease Jase, I reached up and kissed his cheek before scurrying off to the kitchen.

  “Did you want me to cook something for dinner or would you rather we eat out tonight?” I asked with my face buried in the fridge, hoping he’d want to go out since I still needed to stock up on groceries.

  “Whatever you want, baby.” Jase came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “But I need you first, it’s been too long.” He groaned in my ear, and I pushed back the cringe that wanted to bust through.

  Something had to give. I couldn’t keep holding onto my grudge. Turning in his arms, I plastered on a happy smile while lying through my teeth, “I’ve missed you.”