Reclaiming Us

by Richard, Nicole

  “Son, the services have been arranged for Saturday. We wanted to get through the holidays before we laid him to rest.”

  I nodded my head without looking up, the metal biting into my skin as I squeezed Tyler’s dog tags tighter. “We’re here if you need us.” Roger squeezed my shoulder, silently offering me comfort. “Take care, son.” And quietly let himself out.

  I sat there detached. The same thought spinning on replay—Tyler was gone, and there was not a goddamn thing I could do that would ever bring him back.

  I’d been standing in front of the bathroom mirror for a while, hating the man staring back at me. Eyeing the rapid rise and fall of my chest, the fucking loser mocked me beyond the thick sheet of glass. My best friend—my brother—was lying in a box, waiting to be lowered six feet into the cold hard ground. Rage replaced the blood that ran through my veins. None of us should be standing there today to lay a good man to rest. Yet, we were. Without thinking, I turned and put my fist through the drywall. The pain helped, but I shook my hand out anyway.

  “FUUCCK!” I couldn’t look at the mirror, but the little orange bottle perched in the corner mocked me, telling me what a weak son of a bitch I had become. Taunting me for needing a little pill to calm my psyche, and I lacked any kind of willpower to control my mind and emotions.

  Running into Addie on New Year’s Eve did something to my mental state. After seeing her at the gala almost two years ago, I assumed at the time she was there just for the function and would leave Savannah shortly thereafter. That was until I heard Grace mention she was her son’s teacher. Since then, I had steered clear of anywhere she may be. I skipped parties with friends, club nights, and work functions where there was even a small chance she may be. I did everything I could possibly think of short of becoming some kind of recluse. Then New Year’s Eve happened.

  It took every bit of strength to hold onto the grudge. Seeing her made it harder to shove away the feelings that had been hidden deep, and right then, I felt as if my entire being was being tested—I crumbled.

  The pain unveiled itself, and I turned my eyes away from the bottle and back to the mirror. Cold and empty brown eyes stared back at me, and in one fluid movement, I grabbed the prescription bottle and let my body sink to the floor. Spinning thoughts had sweat beading on my skin and the room tilting, so I retreated to the wall next to the tub. The cool contact had a calming effect, but it wasn’t enough.

  I closed my eyes, and all I saw was her.

  Sapphire blue sparkled in the darkness, and my heart ached for a reason other than the obvious. How was I going to hold my composure with all the memories of our past resurfacing? After the way she reacted to my concern at the party and the way the disgust rolled off her, I doubted she would even talk to me again. It didn’t make sense to me how our emotions were reversed. I wish I could hate her. I wanted to hate her, but how did I hate the one person in this entire world that, even after all this time, still owned my heart.

  Our promise held more meaning to me than life itself, and I had never once broken my word to her. No matter how many women I had been through, I had never given a single one my heart.

  Needing to numb the ache in my chest, I slammed my head back against the wall. Since the day Ty’s dad gave me the news, I had fought to keep myself in a perpetual numb state—an act of survival. I opened the top to the bottle, pulled out two pills, and didn’t even give it a second thought when I popped them in my mouth and swallowed them dry.

  However long later, I focused my sights on the hole in the drywall. Normally, I would be pissed that I had ventured off into a self‑destructive mode, but those tiny pills did their job of convincing me not to give a shit or feel any kind of remorse.

  I didn’t give a shit about much. Everything and everyone could go fuck themselves. I felt good. I would be able to handle today. Come hell or high water, those blue eyes would have no effect on me.

  Out of nowhere, the bathroom door swung open and my brother stopped in the doorway.

  I glanced up and held back my laughter. From my position on the floor, he looked like a sky‑high tower. His eyebrows drew together, and his lips pursed. I must have looked as fucked up as I felt. I didn’t give a shit about that either. AJ dropped to the floor next to me and watched me closely.

  “You, fucker, you had me worried sick. I kept calling, but you never answered.”

  Guilt for making him worry should have hit me straight in the heart, but . . . nope, I couldn’t care about that, either. My own eyebrows pinched, and I mentally scolded myself. He was my fucking brother; I shouldn’t make him worry about me.

  “You gonna need help fixing that?” He gestured toward the five‑inch hole in the drywall.

  I swallowed hard and shook my head. “Naw, fuck it.”

  “Come on, bro, get up.”

  Accepting his hand and his help, I let him pull me to my feet and examined my knuckles, which were red but not bleeding.

  “They’re fine.” I pulled my hand back and walked past him. He followed me to the living room, and I knew he was waiting for me to lose it again. I wouldn’t.

  “So, how are you holding up?”

  I stared at my brother as if he were stupid or worse, as if he lost his goddamn mind.

  Did he really expect me to answer that?

  Holding both his hands up, he added, “I know this has more to do with Addie than just Ty.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “She’s going to be there, and I know how much that has to be affecting you. You’ve been avoiding her for a while now, and honestly, I don’t blame you. But I saw you at the mall on Christmas.”

  Finding any kind of words became difficult when it had to do with Addie, so I braced my head in my hands and locked my eyes on the carpet. AJ squeezed my shoulder and continued to explain. “We were in line waiting to take pictures with Santa, and I told Grace I needed to use the restroom. I took Drew with me to the jewelry store . . . for her Christmas present. Anyway . . . I saw you standing off to the side watching something, and when I looked back, trying to see if I could gauge what held your attention, it turned out to be Addie.”

  I turned my head to the side and cleared my throat a few times before I had the nerve to answer him.

  “I was watching her. Something about the way she held Maddie and bounced her in her arms. I don’t know, man. If she and I were together, that would be us. Fuck!” I stood abruptly. “What the fuck am I going to do?” Needing to move, I paced the length of my living room. “She fucking hates me, and I have no idea why. I should be the one that hates her. She left me behind to deal with all this fucking bullshit—not the other way around. If she hadn’t left the way she did . . .” I lowered my voice. “Who knows . . . things might be different.”

  “They might be,” he agreed, but I knew he was placating me.

  “But they’re not. And you know what pisses me the fuck off even more?” He stared at me, waiting and allowing me to release all my pent‑up anger and frustration. “She didn’t even have the fucking decency to tell me”—I shoved my finger in my chest—“that my best friend was dead—fucking dead!” I yelled, and the anger ripped through me like a stampede of bulls charging the matador. I yanked at my hair, needing to feel something other than the pain in my heart. “I don’t know if I can face her, man. This is just . . . too much.” I dropped back to the couch. “How could she not fucking tell me,” I choked on a whisper.

  AJ stood and clapped my shoulder again. “Maybe she didn’t know how.”

  I blew out a hard breath and counted my frantic heartbeats. He was right. AJ with his perpetual level head was right. I hated it. I wanted to be pissed at her for not telling me, but I couldn’t.

  “I know.” God, the words hurt to say, but I hung my head, willing myself to believe them.

  “Come on, you’re riding with me to the funeral.”

  “Naw, you go ahead. I need a few minutes.”

  “Fine, but I’ll follow you.”

  “Thank
s.”

  “What do you mean you’re leaving? You just got here two days ago.” My eyes hardened as Jase walked away from me, setting his overnight bag down by the front door.

  “I told you, babe, I have to get back.” He skirted around my question and glanced at his watch, which infuriated me.

  “I know that, but today is the funeral of one of my very dear and oldest friends. Is it too much to ask for you to be there and support me?”

  He looked at his watch one more time, and my hand twitched, wanting to slap him.

  “Look, babe—”

  I held my hand up. “First of all, when did you start calling me ‘babe,’ because you have never called me that before?” I didn’t let him answer. “What is going on with you, Jase? Why did you even come if you knew you were just going to turn around and leave?”

  Releasing a heavy bout of annoyance, he looked at his watch for a third time. “Look, Addie, I just have a lot of shit to get done. It’s not like I choose to have to work this much. This residency is nothing like I expected. I got my dad breathing down my neck, and I gotta concentrate. I’m too fucking old and tired for all this shit.” His eyes shot daggers at me.

  “Too tired for what, Jase? Me? Are you too tired for me?”

  No response.

  He picked up his bag, kissed my cheek, and grunted out that he would call me when he got home.

  “Whatever.” I crossed my arms and stared over his shoulder.

  I knew his reasons were valid, but this was different. I needed him to be by my side today. Wasn’t that part of marriage? Being there for each other? I could forgive having to leave early on Christmas. I could even forgive my birthday. But this? This was a hard one to turn a blind eye to.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks.” And just like that, Jase walked out the door.

  “I love you. Or at least I thought I did,” I whispered to his retreating back.

  Arguing with Jase had set me back, and an hour later, I pulled into the church’s parking lot. “Why couldn’t you be here, Jase?” I whispered, pulling open the heavy wooden door.

  I did a fast survey of the pews before excusing myself and quietly sliding into one toward the back.

  The place was packed. From wall to wall, service men and women filled the small church. I could make out Mr. and Mrs. Gibson, Hailey, and RJ in the very front. My eyes stalled on him and the woman I didn’t recognize from the back who was leaning against his shoulder.

  I shoved the jealousy deep, forced my eyes away from the pair, and took in the American flag draped over Tyler’s casket, the significance of which all had a stranglehold on my heart.

  Tyler really is gone.

  My eyes welled with tears, and I pulled a tissue from my purse. At this point, I had no idea what Preacher Daniels had said. I couldn’t take my eyes off RJ and seeing him holding another woman. The way his arm was wrapped around her shoulder and his head was pressed to the top of hers. The gentle strokes he used to brush the side of her head to calm her as she sobbed.

  Witnessing him comfort another woman left me feeling strange things. Feelings an engaged woman should not be having, especially for a man like RJ.

  I was a mess of tears and tissues. I couldn’t do this and before the final prayer was given, the need to leave before anyone saw me was overwhelming. I knew I should stay, that leaving before Tyler and his family was disrespectful, but not having a choice, I slipped back through the doors.

  From the safety of my car, I watched as six honor guards escorted the casket out of the church, and the finality of death became as real as the tears streaming down my cheeks. My emotions collided at once. Sadness, anxiety, and blinding anger were written all over my face. The grieving side of me was hit full force with the realization that I was here alone and without any support.

  Fucking Jase.

  The honor guards saluted as the hearse doors closed. I waited until the hearse and the limo Tyler’s family was in passed before pulling into the precession, following the line of cars across town to the cemetery.

  My palms were clammy, and my heart raced as I parked. I didn’t want to get out of the car, but I had to. I didn’t want to face the finality of this situation, and I definitely didn’t want to face it alone. I wanted Jase there. I wanted him to hold me while I cried and shield me from having to face all the emotions RJ dredged up inside me.

  It didn’t matter that we broke each other’s hearts years ago or that I was engaged to another man, I knew somewhere deep down there would always be a special place for RJ in my heart. I knew that if RJ needed me, I would put everything else aside and be there for him—even if I went right back to hating him once it was over.

  Knowing I had lingered too long, and if I didn’t hurry, I would be one of the last people to be walking up, I grabbed my purse and took a deep breath. I stepped out of my car and forced one foot in front of the other as I made my way to the gathering of people. I had no idea what to expect. In all my twenty‑five years, I had never been to a funeral. I still had three grandparents, and my dad’s father passed before I was born. I hadn’t expected the heavy press of grief or feeling of hopelessness, and it was almost too much. Still, I walked, my eyes focused on the group in front of me, and my hands clenched into tight fists. Then, Lilly’s profile came into view, and I did a double take.

  I hadn’t seen or heard from her in almost seven years, but it was clear that she was the girl RJ had his arm around in the church.

  “Lilly?” I choked on a whisper, and finally . . . finally, my feet picked up the pace. I headed straight toward her, but I had to tap her on her shoulder to get her attention. She turned around, and her gasp set off another wave of tears.

  “Oh my god, Addie!” Lilly pulled me in for a long hug. We rocked, cried, and held each other tight. “I’ve missed you so much.” She stepped back, holding my arms. “How are you?”

  I swallowed hard. The guilt of not keeping in touch with my best friend hit hard, and I couldn’t even force a small smile to my lips. “I’m okay, how ’bout you? I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  Her lip trembled, bringing on a fresh wave of tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with him gone.”

  I had no idea Tyler and Lilly were still together after all these years. For some odd reason, I just assumed they went their separate ways after he deployed.

  Revolving in such a bad headspace after the miscarriage, I didn’t want to keep up with anyone from back home, especially not anyone that was associated with RJ.

  The hearse pulled up, and I looked around as Tyler’s family took their seats and the rest of the people stood quietly behind them. I dipped my chin to my chest and rubbed my arms up and down, trying to heat them with the friction. When I looked back up again—my world stopped.

  Hard eyes glared straight at me, heat engulfed my skin, and my chill evaporated into a puff of smoke.

  The back door to the hearse opened, and I analyzed each of the six men’s movements, which gave me a tinge of warmth. They were nothing short of professional and honorable, not that I ever expected anything different. It was just nice to know that Ty’s coffin was handled carefully and he was escorted to his final resting place with such respect.

  When I turned to look for Ty’s parents and Lilly, my eyes locked on hers.

  A tornado and tidal wave of emotions smashed into my chest. It just about killed me to see the seven‑year‑old anguish I felt reflected back at me in her beautiful blue eyes.

  Those tiny pills didn’t do shit. It numbed absolutely nothing. I felt every fucking emotion I didn’t have the strength to feel. My gaze dropped from hers, but the weight of her stare held a vise grip around my heart. It was so much stronger than it was when I saw her on her birthday. It was potent and real and unwanted. I couldn’t deal with two forms of heartbreak at the same time; I would be crushed under the weight.

  Lost in my own head, I didn’t clock the distance between the cars and the burial plot. Finally, it was Roger’s hand on my sho
ulder, gently guiding me to my seat, that finally drew my attention, and I felt shame for being so selfish. I was so lost in myself that I forgot where I was. I took my seat next to Lilly in the front row and hung my head. Preacher Daniels approached the congregation and a minute into his prayers, I checked out.

  My mind deployed on a whirlwind tour, traveling to a place where I could talk to Ty on my own. I told him how much I already missed him, how his absence cut a hole in my heart, and that it didn’t matter that we weren’t related by blood—we would always be brothers.

  I felt Lilly’s clammy hand squeeze mine, and I concentrated on the inhale and exhale of my breathing. I hung my head and squeezed her hand back.

  “It’ll be okay,” she whispered. We both knew damn well none of this fucked-up shit was going to be okay.

  Plain and simple—Ty was dead, and he was never coming back.

  I counted exactly four times that RJ hastily wiped the back of his hand under his eyes. When Lilly reached for his hand, it set off my little internal jealous rant. What I wouldn’t give in that moment to be the one sitting there beside him and comforting him, even if only as a friend.

  “Will the family please rise.” The congregation stood at the funeral director’s request. Everyone shifted their attention to the seven armed guards. I positioned my body at an angle that was respectful of the rifle volley, but still allowed me to watch RJ.

  The first shot went off, and his body jerked.

  The second shot was fired. He clenched his fists, and a tear rolled down his cheek.

  The third shot, he didn’t move an inch, and I knew he was numb.

  When the haunting sound of the bugler playing Taps filled the air, RJ bowed his head and walked away. Without thought, I followed him. When we were far enough away from the service, I picked up my pace.

  “RJ, wait!” His strides gained ground. “Please.” I heard the desperation in my voice, and right when he rounded an old oak tree, he stopped and turned to me.