Reclaiming Us

by Richard, Nicole

  I fumbled with the button of my jeans, shoved my pants down my legs, and sat on the toilet, forcing my bladder and trying to do the math in my head.

  “Could this be happening?” I whispered as I squeezed my eyes shut, shook my head, and chastised myself for my own stupidity and carelessness. “Please no. Please no. Please.” I unraveled some toilet paper, set it on the floor with the test on top, and finished my business.

  Three minutes felt like a lifetime—an eternity actually.

  I washed my hands, and when I looked to the floor, my entire world stopped.

  Two pink lines.

  My stomach churned, and I fell to my knees. I was going to be sick.

  “No.” I shook my head, and my eyes welled with tears. I could not have a baby with Jase. There was no way. Shit. What if . . . oh my god, then it dawned on me. I had no idea who was the father of my baby. My body crumbled to the floor, gray spots clouded my vision, and my hands braced my fall. What on earth was I going to do?

  “Babe?” RJ called, letting the front door slam shut.

  “Oh, dear god, please do not let him find me like this,” I softly cried.

  “Babe, you home?”

  I couldn’t move or form words to answer him. What the hell was I going to do? I had to tell him about Jase showing up here. I had to tell him everything, but how?

  I did throw up then.

  I managed to flush and wipe my mouth before he reached the door.

  “Babe,” RJ’s voice dangled in the space between us. “Addie, what’s the matter? Why are you on the bathroom floor?” He crouched down in front of me, grabbing my face in both his hands. I tried to answer him, to say something, anything, but I couldn’t. “Babe, please, you’re scaring me.”

  The worry lines and the way his brows pinched together caused another wave of nausea. RJ sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap, gently rocking me. “Babe, please tell me what’s wrong. You’re freaking me out.”

  I leaned into his chest, gripping onto the front of his T-shirt and whispered, “Jase stopped by.”

  “Why the fuck was that asshole here? Does he have a death wish?”

  I shook my head, afraid to continue.

  “Then why . . .” His tone caused me to shiver.

  Stealing a deep breath, I said a silent prayer. “I’m pregnant.”

  Time stood still. Images of RJ leaving me clouded my vision, his retreating back walking away.

  Taking a chance, I lifted my head from his chest to find him grinning like a fool.

  “We’re going to have a baby?” he asked, hope radiating off him. “Is something wrong with our baby?”

  I shook my head and scooted off his lap so I could lean against the glass shower doors, “What if it’s . . .”

  A flash of fear and understanding lit up in his eyes as he put two and two together. Then he just steepled his fingers and pressed them against his face. “It can’t be. Tell me that’s not a possibility.” He shook his head frantically and stood.

  “I won’t know until I know how far along I am. Jase and I . . . it’s been . . .” God, I couldn’t spit the words out. It had been over two months since the last time Jase and I had been together like that. Three weeks before my infamous spring break surprise. RJ and I had slept together that weekend.

  Fuck.

  “Then we’ll make an appointment.” He was pacing the small room as his hands ripped through his hair.

  “There’s more—”

  He stopped dead in his tracks and then held up a hand. “Don’t.” He shook his head, and another jolt of fear flashed in his eyes. “Please don’t do this to me. Addie, you cannot go back to him. You’re mine. You have always been mine.” He moved to me then and grabbed my hands so he could press my palms to his chest

  “Why would you assume I would go back to him?” My heart ached that he would ever think I would leave him. He was my everything. “Do you not trust me when I say I want nothing to do with him?” Through my tears, I saw his eyes glisten.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. It’s the thought of that asshole and what he did to you.” He pulled me into his arms and apologized.

  “I know. But I need to see a doctor.” I sobbed. “He told me that they both got something.”

  “Motherfucker!” RJ lashed out verbally but held me closer, tighter, as if by sheer will alone he would be able to keep me from falling apart. “I swear to God if I ever catch that piece of shit son of a bitch—” his voice rumbled with a force I was not familiar with, and then his arms were gone and he grabbed my hand. “Come on. Let’s go.” He took me by the hand and led me out of the house, my feet struggling to keep up.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  “We’re going to take you to see the doctor right now,” he ordered, and I almost giggled. Almost. This was a part of RJ I had no experience with and had no idea how to handle. Going along with whatever he said seemed like as good of an idea as any. We were almost to the door when I felt myself break out in a cold sweat and realized I was panting, unable to catch my breath again.

  “RJ, wait.” I closed my eyes, inhaled slowly and then exhaled, trying to steady myself. Everything was happening so fast, I couldn’t grasp reality. My world was hanging out there, floating in some crazy wash of what-ifs. I just kept breathing until my head stopped spinning.

  When I opened my eyes again, RJ was standing close to me—the tightness around his mouth matching the tightness in my stomach. He was struggling to remain calm. As much as I wanted to continue with my breakdown and rage at what was happening, I needed to be strong. Later. I could break down later when I was alone. “RJ, we’ll get through this. We’ll figure this out . . . whatever this is.”

  If we wanted an immediate idea of who the father of this child was, I would have to have an ultrasound. Once I had the expected due date, I would know.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.” RJ physically relaxed as he brought my hand to his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my skin. “You’re pregnant, I should be more careful with you. I’m such an ass.”

  I nodded and half-smiled. “It’s okay, you’re my ass.” I giggled softly, attempting to ease the tension. He pulled me closer and pressed his forehead to mine.

  “I love you, Addie Mae . . . no matter what.”

  “I love you, too.” I pecked his lips. “But I think we should call the doctor first.”

  “Nope. We are going to show up and demand they see you.”

  “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “Well, it better start working like that. I don’t want anything happening to either of you.”

  “I don’t want anything to happen, either . . .” and that was when another wave of fear hit me. Would this baby make it? Could I keep him or her safe? I pushed my thoughts aside, refusing to let my mind sink into negativity. What happened in the past was completely out of my control, the doctors assured me that it wasn’t anything I did or could have stopped. “I’m going to call the doctor’s office and make an appointment.”

  “Okay, if you think you need to.”

  “I do.”

  For the last ten days, RJ and I had been dancing on eggshells. I managed to get a doctor’s appointment the day after Shit Storm Jase blew through, but it wasn’t quite that simple. Since RJ and I hadn’t been protected, they offered to test him at the same time they tested me, but we still had to wait for test results. Even though the pregnancy test they gave me was positive, I had to wait for an ultrasound, which was so much more anxiety inducing than the blood work.

  We were both so on edge that we didn’t even bother trying to make small talk on the trip back to the doctor. We were getting ready to have the ultrasound, and depending on what they said, it could make or break us. I knew RJ said it didn’t matter, but it did. Deep down, I knew it mattered to him, and if I were being honest, it mattered to me, too. I didn’t know how much I didn’t want to have a baby with anyone other than RJ until I was forced to consider it.

 
; I sat there, staring out the window, twisting my fingers together between my thighs, and trying my best to calm my racing nerves.

  How could I have let this happen?

  My stomach flip‑flopped, and I covered my mouth as the tears began falling. I couldn’t help but mentally berate myself for my actions. If by chance this were Jase’s child, how could RJ and I still work? I meant every word I said when I told him I would never go back to Jase, child or no child. If I had to raise this baby on my own, so be it.

  He linked our fingers together and brought my hand to his lips. I refused to look at him while I dealt with my mini meltdown.

  “Babe, I love you. It doesn’t matter what happens in there, remember? A promise is a promise.” I nodded, grateful for his understanding but still feeling a little unsure. I hated to think how differently Jase would have reacted had the tables been turned. I didn’t know if I’d ever stop hating myself for putting RJ through this.

  “We’re here.” RJ put my car in park. I reached for the door handle, but he pulled me to him. He didn’t kiss me like he normally would have. Instead, he held me close. I let the steady drum of his heart and his hand on the back of my head calm me down a bit.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled against his shirt.

  “No need to thank me. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” I nodded. “Ready?” I nodded again. “Let me get the door for you.”

  After a beat, I pulled away and tried my best to smile, after all this time he was still a gentleman.

  From the car to the reception desk, not once did RJ’s hand leave the small of my back. The warmth from his touch helped to ease the weighted feeling in my chest. I didn’t think I could do this without him by my side.

  “Hi, Addilyn,” the receptionist greeted.

  “Hi. Did you need me to sign in?” I reached for the pen attached to the clipboard.

  “Nope, I already have you checked in. Just have a seat, and we’ll get you into a room shortly.”

  “Thank you.” I turned, almost running smack dab into RJ’s chest. “Sorry,” I whispered.

  “Don’t be.” I let him lead me through the small waiting room and he traded touching the small of my back for holding my hand as we took our seats. He took my hand in his and rubbed a small path back and forth with his thumb. Then, after a minute or two, he reached over to the table beside him, grabbed a parenting magazine, and set it on his lap, mindlessly thumbing through the pages, probably pretending to be interested.

  My eyes shifted back and forth with each page flip. I speed read the headlines of articles and took in every advertisement for formulas and diapers and breast pumps. When he stopped flipping, my eyes keyed in on the big, bold yellow lettering of: “Dos and Don’ts in your First Trimester.”

  “Addilyn.” I looked up. “Right this way please.” His hand remained a permanent fixture on my back as the nurse led us down a bright, cream‑colored hallway into a dim exam room. The nurse took my vitals and gave me the same spiel I’d heard years ago. What to take off that, leave on this, put the paper gown on, and the doctor will be in shortly.

  After helping me get situated, RJ pulled up a chair and sat right next to me.

  “You’re going to be okay.” There was so much love and admiration in his eyes that, for the first time in days, I actually felt like I could be.

  “Yeah. I mean, there’s nothing to it, right?” We both laughed a bit, knowing it was the furthest thing from the truth, and RJ gave me a gentle kiss between my eyebrows.

  A soft knock came from the other side of the door and was followed by a dainty voice that matched it. “Addilyn, may I come in?”

  “Yes.”

  Dr. Clark took a seat. “It’s nice to see you both again.” I smiled. “Before we get started, I did want to inform you that I received your test results, and they were all negative.” She smiled, and a breath of relief escaped me.

  “Thank you.” RJ squeezed my hand, and I knew he felt the relief, too. One obstacle down, one to go.

  “You’re welcome.” She busied herself preparing for my ultrasound, typing as she spoke. “My technician went home sick, so I’ll be performing your ultrasound today . . . I hope you don’t mind.” She smiled her professional smile, a slight variation from the compassionate one from just a couple minutes ago. I shook my head and snuck a quick glance in RJ’s direction. His eyes were intent on the black monitor.

  “Perfect.” She grabbed the tube of goo. “All right, this might be a little cold,” she warned, squirting a generous amount of the blue gel on my belly. Then she pulled a handheld device from its hook and smeared the goo before applying a bit of pressure. The small room filled with a swooshing sound, and a couple of strong beats came through the speakers. Fascinated, both RJ and I kept our eyes glued to the monitor. A light gray glob the size of a blueberry sat right in the middle, moving in tune with the beating sound.

  “Is that our baby?” RJ asked, and I knew if I looked at him, I would start crying. His feelings were right there in his voice, wonderment and love and awe. Emotion caught in my throat, and I willed myself not to cry. He said “our baby.”

  “It is,” Dr. Clark confirmed. “That’s your child’s heartbeat . . . nice and strong.” She moved the Doppler around on my flat belly a few times and typed on her keyboard. RJ and I waited patiently. Heck, we probably would have waited all day long as long as she kept the monitor up.

  “Do you think we’ll be able to get a due date?” I asked, swallowing my nerves.

  “Yes, ma’am,” she replied, her eyes intent on the screen, occasionally squinting and typing.

  Between watching the monitor and trying to find the strength to look at RJ’s face, I prayed my gut was right and this baby was his. I had done the math over and over and over again, which helped a great deal to calm me, and each time I decided there was no way this baby was Jase’s. Still, I continued to count. We still needed to know how far along I was before I would let myself feel any joy.

  “Hmm.” Dr. Clark’s eyebrows pinched, and she leaned a little closer to the screen. I cringed as dread filtered through me. My heart started to beat wildly in my chest, and I looked to RJ, who had gone pale and was rubbing his hand along his thigh.

  “Is everything okay?” His voice shook, and he sat straight in his chair.

  “Nothing to worry about, everything looks good. Let me get a few more measurements.”

  He nodded and swallowed hard, and I offered him a smile, hoping to comfort him while I fell to chaos inside.

  A minute or two later, Dr. Clark set the Doppler back in its holder and turned to us. “Well, everything looks good and, from what I calculated, it looks like you’re right around nine weeks along.” RJ and I both sighed in unison and smiled at each other. There was no way my baby’s father was anyone other than RJ.

  “There’s a good possibility of a Thanksgiving baby. And there’s another thing . . .” We both looked back to her, our smiles gone. “There’s nothing to worry about.” She laughed and shook her head a bit. “Though, you might want to brace yourselves. You’re expecting twins.”

  “What?” RJ’s voice was low and tinged with disbelief. “Two?” He swallowed hard then took a deep breath. “Two babies?”

  “That is correct.”

  “Holy sh—” I whipped my head in his direction, and he mouthed sorry. This was equally shocking for both of us, but there was no reason for him not to mind his manners.

  “Do either of you have any questions for me?” she asked, and something niggled at me, pushing me to ask.

  I found my voice and softly spoke, “Is it safe?” I snuck a quick glance at RJ. “I mean . . . having a prior miscarriage.” I swallowed my nerves. “Do you think I’ll be able to carry two babies to term?”

  Her bedside manner shifted to add a little compassion. “I understand your concerns, but I’ll be honest with you. With any pregnancy, there is a risk of miscarriage, which drops considerably after twelve weeks. Most carry to term and deliver safely. Twins do pose
a slight increase in risk, but there is nothing to say that you cannot or will not have two healthy babies and a normal pregnancy. I just want you to focus on taking care of yourself and those babies.”

  “Okay.” It was all I could manage as I looked back to the screen.

  “Thank you, Dr. Clark, we appreciate your help,” RJ said for the both of us.

  “You’re very welcome. Don’t forget to make your next appointment before you leave. Take your time getting dressed, and I’ll see you soon.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re very welcome. Oh, and if you should have any questions after you get home and have time to process the news, please feel free to call me.”

  RJ didn’t say another word until the doctor slipped out and shut the door.

  “Babe, two babies?” His smirk did little to hide the worry in his eyes, but he still laughed and bent to kiss me. “Well, I told you I wanted lots of babies. This is definitely a great way to start.”

  I nodded. “I need to get dressed.” I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the table, but then he was there in front of me, bending so I didn’t have to tilt my head to look in his eyes.

  “I love you so damn much. Thank you for all of this. I promise I’ll be the best daddy to these two—”

  I placed my palm on his cheek, and my heart filled with so much love. Of course, RJ would be the best father possible to these babies. I had always known that.

  “Addie?”

  “Yes?”

  “Marry me?”

  My heart stalled, and my breathing caught. Two words that should have made me the happiest woman on earth—didn’t. Not in that moment. I carefully drew my hand away from him, wanting nothing more than to climb off that exam table and hide. He did it again—on impulse—because he was panicking.

  The first time RJ proposed, we were both too young for marriage. He had panicked, too afraid of letting me go that he proposed in the front seat of my car. He was panicking then, too, just for different reasons.

  “Addie.” The worry made its way back into his voice, and he reached for me. “Babe, say something please. You look like you’re going to be sick.”