by Tanya Mindo
“How’s your arm?” Kaito casually asks.
“It’s okay,” she replies.
An awkward pause ensues. Zoe hates it, but she can’t find anything to say.
“Zoe,” Kaito mutters in a low tone.
Her heart skips a beat. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry if you felt like I was forcing you to sing,” he says. “I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be one of those people who make decisions for you.”
Zoe spins to look at him, her lips slightly parting. She didn’t expect Kaito to apologize. Moreover, she didn’t expect that Kaito was still thinking about what happened at the music club.
“No. That’s not your fault,” she says, her mouth drying up. “You… You were just cheering me on. It’s different. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
She tucks her hair behind her ear. The gap between them and the others is getting bigger, so she increases her pace again. Kaito follows her speed.
“It’s only strange that you haven’t even heard me sing, yet you believe that I’m good enough to perform with you.”
“We’re all amateurs just trying to do what makes us happy, Zoe,” Kaito answers. “As long as you’re not offkey, it should be fine. But yeah, I’m not even sure if it’s what you want. I crossed the line.”
She bites her lip. “No, I think I do want it…”
Kaito glances at her. “You do?”
“Yeah… I want to try,” she confesses. “But I don’t have the confidence that I won’t mess it up.”
“We can practice,” Kaito says, his tone rising.
She nods reluctantly. “I suppose. This is a leap for me. I’m used to staying by the sidelines. I’m not a star.”
Kaito smirks. “I beg to disagree. You can be a star. Be whatever. Or whoever.”
Zoe looks sideways again, and their gazes interlock with each other briefly. She wonders why Kaito is always so sure of her.
Why does he always cheer her on?
“I’m still sorry that I snapped at you,” she murmurs. “You didn’t deserve that. You were only looking after me. Like you’ve always done.”
Kaito doesn’t answer. He only stares forward, but she notices him smiling.
“I thought you were mad at me...”
He clears his throat, his muscles tensing up. “No, I wasn’t. I was just thinking about something else.”
Kaito’s muscles tense up. Zoe has nothing to do with this. He shouldn’t have avoided her all of a sudden.
Still, a small part of him is glad that she noticed his absence.
“I’ll try the club,” Zoe declares, her chest puffed out. “But I want you to hear me first so you can let me know if I’m terrible. Promise me, okay? That you will tell me if I’m no good.”
Kaito laughs heartily. “Hasn’t anyone heard you sing?”
“Well… My parents and my best friend had heard me before…”
“And?”
“They didn’t seem offended.”
“Offended?” Kaito laughs again. It raises Zoe’s spirits.
“Be honest. What did they say?”
She purses her lips.
“Zoe, you can tell me anything. After everything you’ve told me, you’re still holding back?”
Zoe remembers. She remembers all the times Kaito listened to her. How he could read easily what was going on in her head. He already knows her.
Zoe shakes her head, chuckling.
“You’re right. I have no reason to keep anything from you,” she mumbles. “They said I was awesome.”
Kaito throws his head back, grinning.
“Then you have to let me hear you sing,” Kaito says.
Zoe studies his gaze for the first time since she doubted his friendship.
She was wrong. Nothing was going on. He just needed to deal with his own stuff, and he wasn’t obligated to look after her always.
I’m never going to be like that again.
“Yes. But you need a guitar.”
Kaito mulls over his feelings for Zoe.
It has only been a day since he tried to avoid her, yet it did trouble him. He missed talking to her. She liked confiding her thoughts, and he liked listening to her.
Zoe is optimistic and gullible. Her innocence is her charm. Although she seems weak because of it, Kaito believes that she is only afraid of stepping out of her comfort zone. She got used to being pushed around and having other people make decisions for her life.
Yes, she did come to Tokyo, but what she left behind is stopping her.
Deep inside, Kaito doesn’t want Zoe to break up with Seth. She is faithful to their relationship, and it reflects how much she has feelings for him. What he truly wants is for Seth to be her rock. Her strong support.
It isn’t his business, but maybe he can at least be someone who can cheer her on while it hasn’t happened yet. He is her friend after all.
When Zoe burned her arm, however, his instinct urged him to get close to her in an instant, though his mind prevented him from doing so. He couldn’t show Zoe and everyone what he was feeling. Marie already saw through him. That was enough.
For a while he thought that he needed to stay away, yet he understood that it would be unfair to Zoe. She didn’t do anything wrong. So, he made up his mind to continue being her close friend. He would turn these growing feelings away.
Whatever it is would die out as quickly as it came. There is no need for him to avoid her.
Zoe is his friend, and they would stay as friends.
“Wow! This is amazing!” Zoe exclaims as soon as they reach the cliff. She strides toward the edge with Jesse, Naoki, and Taylor. The city appears vividly glistening from where they are standing.
Marie stands next to Kaito, then she asks quietly, “Will you tell her?”
Kaito doesn’t say anything.
“You know what you should do, right? She’s dating somebody else.”
“Yes, I know,” Kaito replies firmly. “Nothing’s going to happen, Marie.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Kaito smirks. “I know. And I won’t. That’s impossible. This… This is just a crush. Or whatever. Let’s not make a big deal out of it. Don’t tell anyone.”
Zoe spins to look at them. “Why are you guys still there? You’re missing out!”
Marie gives him a tight slipped smile before walking happily to join the others.
Kaito stares at Zoe from behind, contemplating whether he means what he said. Realizing that it is pointless, he also walks toward the edge of the cliff.
Chapter Eleven
Taylor and Naoki purchase cans of beer from a nearby convenience store before returning to the cliff where the rest of the gang waits. They sit on the grass and just talk about almost anything under the sun. Taylor’s voice gets louder as he turns tipsy. They have to hush him all the time.
Around 2 AM, when Jesse and Taylor are already intoxicated, they decide to return to Naoki’s place. Naoki and Kaito have to take care of Taylor, while Zoe and Marie carry Jesse. All of them are too exhausted and sleepy to talk on the way home.
Jesse blurts out the most random things about robots and space, whereas Taylor rambles about the English alphabet. Zoe wonders about the kinds of things she’ll say if ever she becomes drunk.
Strangely, it is one of the best nights of her life. All she did was talk to her newly found friends, but happiness resonates through her. Ever since she came to Japan, she has felt nothing but bliss and excitement. She looks forward to every day.
As expected, Taylor and Jesse are hungover during breakfast.
“What happened last night?” Taylor mumbles, massaging his temples.
“You and Jesse got so drunk we had to drag you home,” Naoki answers.
Jesse awkwardly smiles at Marie and Zoe. “Thanks.”
“It’s no problem,” says Zoe, then she takes a bite of her tempura.
“You talked about robots conquering the world one day, Jesse,” Marie utters. �
��And you did such a great job explaining things that I almost believed you.”
Jesse covers her eyes with her hands. “That I remember...”
“It’s fine, Jesse. I’d rather hear you speak about a dystopian world than Taylor’s proposal about removing the letter ‘K’ from the English alphabet,” Kaito adds, chuckling.
They all laugh.
“I said what?” Taylor asks, frowning.
“You said we could just use the letter C in everything. That there was no point using the letter K. You were rambling about it all night,” says Naoki, shaking his head.
Taylor claps his hand. “Well, it’s true. What’s the point of the letter K?”
“Get over it, Taylor,” Kaito says. “You’re already sober.”
Zoe glimpses at Kaito. He smiles at her.
After lunch, they start packing and taking turns in the bathrooms. They are ready to leave by 2 PM. Naoki’s Mom walks them to the front gate of their residence.
“Thank you for letting us stay the night, Suzuki-san,” Kaito says.
“It’s my pleasure. I appreciate you all coming to celebrate Naoki’s birthday,” she answers happily. “You’re always welcome to stay with us. I’m happy Naoki made good friends. He’s always been shy as a kid so—”
Naoki interrupts, blushing. “Alright! Thanks, Okaa-san. I’ll take them to the station. I’ll be right back.”
Naoki drags Taylor and Kaito with him who struggle but fail.
“Are you alright now, dear?” Naoki’s Mom asks Zoe.
Her arm is a little red. It doesn’t hurt anymore, though. “I’m fine. I’m very sorry for the trouble. Thank you so much.”
“Thank you for everything, Suzuki-san,” Marie says.
“Thank you so much!” Jesse repeats. The three of them bow, wave their hands, and walk away to follow the guys.
The train is empty for a Saturday. Everyone dozes off except for Kaito and Zoe who are sitting in front of each other. Zoe plays with her phone. She lifts her eyes when the train stops at a station, and her gaze meets Kaito’s who is listening to music. He grins at her. She smiles back.
Zoe looks outside the window. It is a sunny day. The trees are lined up next to each other and are all in full bloom. She feels a bit sad at the thought of the pink buds of cherry blossom trees slowly being replaced by fresh, green leaves. Some of the flowers are scattered on the sidewalks. Some are blown away by the wind.
She suddenly misses Elle. And then she misses Seth. She feels a heavy weight on her chest as she longs for them.
Her eyes dart to the new friends she is with.
She barely knows them, but they have made her feel like she belongs. Despite being from different corners of the world, she can sense no barrier—no secrets. As if they are all just human beings in need of connection.
Zoe pauses. She wonders if she uses the term ‘friends’ loosely. She isn’t the only one thinking that all of them are friends, right?
“Mmm…” Marie mumbles. She opens her eyes. “Are we almost there?”
Zoe nods. Taylor and Jesse also wake up.
“I’m tired,” Taylor groans, yawning.
They get off soon and say their goodbyes. Kaito and Zoe go in a different direction as usual.
They pay for overnight parking, and neither says anything as they cycle side by side at the same pace. They are both exhausted.
Moreover, the two of them have realized that they are comfortable with silence. That sometimes, silence is enough.
They press their brakes in front of the dorm.
“I hope you had fun,” Kaito utters as he threads a hand through his hair.
“I did,” Zoe replies. “Why? Did I look like I—”
“Relax,” Kaito interjects, laughing. “So… Do you want to continue hanging out with us?”
Zoe nods without hesitation. “The question is if you guys still want to hang out with me.”
Kaito frowns. “Huh?”
Zoe hands her head. “I feel like I’m… Boring.”
“You’re not.”
“I don’t know. They might think differently…”
“They like you, alright? We all do.”
She blushes.
“We’re your friends now.”
Zoe looks up at Kaito, her lips twitching into a toothy smile. She isn’t the only one thinking that they are all friends. She isn’t delusional.
“Alright, time to go back and rest,” Kaito says, holding on to the handles of his bike. “See you around.”
“See you.”
Zoe drops her stuff to the floor and changes into her clean clothes. She collapses on the bed, her head throbbing like crazy.
She only had five hours of sleep, which is unusual because she is always used to getting seven to eight hours. She buries her face in the pillow, recalling what Kaito said about everyone being her friend. She squeals.
She turns to lie on her back and fishes her phone out of her pocket. She sends a brief message to her parents. They seem happy that she enjoyed herself, although she still senses their worry. They don’t trust her friends enough, and it is fair because they haven’t met them yet.
Her Ma checks up on her every day, asking about her meals and studies and how she is doing in general. She replies that her studies are going well, and she is learning a lot in her classes.
She is also learning new things outside the classroom every day, making her aware that she is still ignorant about the world and the society she is living in. She ponders whether anything she’ll want to do in the future can make a difference.
Zoe longs to become that kind of person. Someone relevant. Not powerful, but relevant. It fuels her desire to study more and be less ignorant.
Elle finally replies to her message. It is a brief message. Something doesn’t feel right, yet she decides not to ask. Elle is going through a breakup and she isn’t even there for her. She doesn’t want to upset Elle.
Seth also replies to her. His message appears carefully written as if he is afraid to start another fight. He doesn’t send her messages asking where she is or whom she is hanging out with anymore; however, it seems like he has lost interest in talking to her. He gives her short answers, and that isn’t what she wants. Maybe she should have clarified her feelings…
Zoe is still typing a message when Seth turns offline.
What’s going on?
She deletes the message as her stomach hardens.
Zoe sighs, then browses through her social media account.
She sees a photo uploaded by one of her batchmates. It’s a pool party. She sees Seth and Elle in some of the photos. They are seated apart. Seth is sitting next to Connor, whispering to each other. Elle appears unbothered.
Surprisingly, Zoe feels nothing. It isn't like she missed out on anything.
She is happy—bothered that they are slightly ignoring her—but happy.
School requirements became hectic for the next few days, so Zoe couldn’t hang out with her friends aside from the one class they all had together. She needed to study for her Japanese test, do her laundry, buy her groceries, and write two reflection papers. The number of tasks overwhelmed her. Even so, she found completing them empowering.
She had no time to think about her problems with Seth as well. At the back of her mind, she remained worried that she hurt him, that he was being distant because of it, but there was no point crying over spilt milk. She said what needed to be said.
Meanwhile, Elle turned out to be ‘okay’. ‘Okay’ in a sense that she didn’t cry over Connor anymore. She said she was just busy so she couldn’t call. She was moving on. She mentioned that she had ‘no choice’ and ‘it is hopeless’ and that ‘it never should have started’. Zoe wanted Elle to clarify what she meant. It was all so confusing. She also gave Zoe the impression that she was hiding something from her. Zoe instantly disregarded her thoughts. It wasn’t about her.
On Thursday night around 7 PM, Zoe’s tummy starts to churn. She has been studying for
her test since 4 PM. She is famished. She stands up from her desk and stretches her arms and legs. She walks closer to the window.
Kaito is under the cherry blossom tree whose pink flower buds have slowly disappeared, scattering on the ground. He spins around and looks up, their gazes meeting.