Purgatorium

by J. H. Carnathan

  The frozen wheel rolls across the iced-over park and onto the interstate towards my apartment. The reapers feet touch the ground to the interstate. They must be keeping the road frozen so the wheel would keep rolling, but why would they want that?

  With reapers on both sides of the wheel, I swing myself from side to side, like a monkey hanging from a branch, so they won’t grab me. I look ahead to see the wheel’s direction is off course. It’s heading off the interstate. I prepare myself for the worst. If the park is on the left side of the interstate then what is on the right? I fear to find out.

  The wheel breaks through the cement walls as I see through holes in the exterior what problems I will face next. My eyes lock on to a 60-foot hill drop leading into a waterless dam. The wheel goes over as I panic, not knowing what to do next. The outer layers of the wheel hits on the side of the dam, making it roll its way to the bottom. Each of the frozen passenger cars shatter once it collides on the dam’s outer cement walls.

  The reapers continue making their way towards me as if they were not afraid of the situation. The whole wheel itself begins to freeze over even more, making the ice breakable around the inner core of the wheel. The inside mechanics begin to shatter. The cast iron spider shatters itself from within the wheel as I begin to slide all over the place.

  I grab hold of what is left of the rafters and grip my hands tightly to them. I see the appearance of the Ferris wheel begin to mold into more of a frozen tire wheel. The core of the wheel now looks like one big solid ice 360 loop ramp.

  I let go from the rafters and drop to the center of the loop. My body begins to roll around as the speed of the wheel has now gotten faster, due to it picking up speed going down this very long hill. I brace myself as I extend my legs out, trying to straighten myself. The cleats from my shoes retract out, giving me something to dig into the ice with. With a window of a few seconds, I get to my feet and start to run. I feel like a hamster running in a really big hamster wheel. The icy structure I am running on is a bit slippery, even with these special shoes I have on. I notice some holes that haven’t been iced over yet. I level my speed along with every turn of the wheel so I won’t slip.

  The reapers begin to reach their hands into the wheel’s frozen structure. Their arms bust out in every direction where I step. I dodge each attempt as I keep moving, following along every turn of the wheel. I see my apartment is just up ahead. Almost there.

  More of their hands begin sticking out at many different areas around the wheel. I grip my hatchet and begin chopping each of the reapers’ arms off, one by one, till I can focus on how I am going to jump out of this thing. I make my way to the other side, cutting each arm that pops out around me.

  A reaper makes it through to the inner structure of the frozen wheel. I look down and see it coming from below, making its way towards me. Its skeletal arm catches onto my left leg and slowly begins to freeze it. I try to struggle loose from the reaper’s grip. I stop when I feel my whole left leg being frozen over. I use my right leg to kick off the reaper but it doesn’t budge. I glance ahead and see another reaper inside the inner wheel with me. It looks like a spider, with its hands and feet stretched apart, making its way above me. The cycle of the wheel is moving faster now. My frozen leg has stopped me from running. I am trapped!

  I get my hatchet up, ready to swing. The reaper in front of me reaches for a scythe in its cloak. It holds the weapon up high above my face and brings it down. I quickly duck and dodge the attack, taking hold from the edge of the weapon and yanking it towards me. I stick my hatchet in its skull and pull its arm down in front of me. I try to use the weapon on the reaper, that has my leg, but I still can’t reach its head.

  Instead, I guide the sharp end of the weapon towards my frozen leg. I force it down, striking my leg, shattering it into pieces, making the reaper slide down far away from me. I look back up to suddenly see the other reaper, with my hatchet still in its skull, reaching out its right hand to my face. I am stuck! Well this is it, I think as I close my eyes waiting for all my memories to be sucked out of me. Seconds go by as I open my eyes back up to see the reaper’s hand hasn’t got any closer to my face.

  I look behind it to see its cloak has snagged on to something. I extend my hand towards the hatchet’s handle but I can only graze it. I need to repair my shattered leg! I focus my mind and think about my mom. The woman that taught me how to dance. I picture her face as she looks at me with those kind motherly eyes. She was brilliant, beautiful, and brave. I hope that I told her that.

  I regain back my clarity of the situation as I look to see my left leg is back to normal. I boost my left leg up, dodging the reaper’s attempt to grab me, and quickly snag out my hatchet from the reapers skull as it breaks apart like ice cubes in front of me.

  I regain focus, look up, and see a collision with the bottom of the dam about to occur. I close my eyes knowing that all my attempts to get to this moment were a waste. Though I did fail, I did not quit. Knowing that makes up the difference. Knowing that may be enough. I feel the collision, as my body thrusts itself into the unknown. My mind then goes numb as time begins to pass away from me.

  50 Minutes

  I open my eyes and see that I am on the rooftop to my high-rise apartment building again. How did I get here? I wonder. I walk over to the telescope and remember it. I still have my memories? Why didn’t the reapers erase them?

  “It’s funny how the mind works.” I jump, surprised to hear Raphael’s voice. I look at him hoping he can listen to my thoughts as I think, Did you save me? Was this a test? Thoughts that cloud my judgment on what really needs to be said. He put me in that situation.

  I run towards him, angry at everything. Raphael turns toward me with his arms wide open. I tackle him to the ground and begin punching his face. I punch him over and over. I think about my father abusing my mom. I think about how I am a father who has no idea what my child looks like. I think about it all as I keep swinging my fists towards his face, blood spewing out of him with every blow.

  Raphael takes it like he deserves it. I think back to the Ferris wheel incident. I could have had my memory erased again! You are messing with my life! I get tired and roll off of him. Seconds go by as Raphael gets back on his feet. He spits the leftover blood out of his mouth and walks to the edge of the rooftop.

  Raphael just looks out at the city. With a serious voice he says, “How it grasps onto the most influential things like that broken old telescope. Your daddy’s ol’ toy. Always fascinated with the stars. He was a cowboy, your father. Never was much of a 20th century type of man like yourself. He just loved looking into it every night. Gave him peace of mind at the choices he made from that day to the choices he would have to make for the next day. Sometimes regretting and sometimes proud. A little something that you need right now.”

  Raphael takes a drag on his cigarette, looking up at the northern lights. I look up too and am momentarily overwhelmed by their beauty. I think back to my father and wonder if I will suffer the same fate as him. I see a hand stretched out in front of me. I look up and see Raphael willing to bring me back up.

  I sit there not wanting to take it.

  “Trust me or not trust. Either way, you still have to choose one or the other. You may feel regret after but you may come to be proud. Isn’t that what life is all about?”

  I look into Raphael’s green eyes, noticing a certain glimmer of hope in them. I continue to watch him standing there, with his hand out to me, and I can see he might actually truly care for my well being.

  I begin to think that if Raphael did save me he must be too proud to admit it. How many times have they risked their necks to rescue me? I owe them more than I think. I take his hand and stand to my feet.

  Raphael goes to the telescope. “You remember how Madi got so mad at you for selling that thing?” he says, looking over at the telescope. “She was livid!! Strange to be so angry over a little ol�
� telescope, though, right?”

  I look over at the telescope. I feel differently about it for some reason. Why was this telescope a big deal? I need to look at it more closely, but will wait until I’m alone, I think. I have to find a way to look at it when no one is around.

  Raphael puts out his cigarette and takes out another. He brings out his favorite matchbook and lights one. I look at the matchbook closely and remember how Madi gave it to me on our date in the lighthouse.

  I stop to think for a moment, like how she gave me the flask in the park. The very same flask that is in my coat pocket in my closet. M ichael with my mom’s camera. Gabriel with the gum Madi got for me. What does it all mean? I wonder.

  Raphael interrupts my train of thought by handing me a cigarette.

  “Now this is what turns frowns upside down. Want one?” I lean forward to reach for the cigarette sticking out of Raphael’s pocket and take one.

  “This is where your finish line will be. Your last hourglass is standing right over there.” He points at the hourglass on the edge of the rooftop. “Once that smashes, your exit door will appear.”

  Where is this exit door?

  He points back to the elevator and says with a humorous tone, “Going up?”

  The elevator is my ticket out of here? But there’s no buttons after the rooftop to even click on?

  “All you need is your token. It is the key to your exit.” He strikes a match from his matchbook and raises the flame to me. I stick the cigarette in my mouth and lean it in to the fire.

  Raphael quickly brings his other hand from behind his back, holds up the hatchet, and swings it down, cutting my head clean off. My head falls to the ground and breaks into thousands of puzzle pieces spreading all over the rooftop. Raphael looks down at all the electric blue pieces smiling. “Didn’t anyone tell you, smoking is bad for you.” When he looks up, he is surprised to see my head is back. I smirk towards him.

  “My brotha! Good for you!” He laughs good-naturedly. “You awoke today a man not sure of if or how you could win this thing; a man who was not in control of his emotions. Now look at you! I see you, brotha! I see you! It’s good to see that you see you, too!”

  Raphael gives me the hatchet back. I take it by the grip and see he hasn’t let it go. He looks straight at me and says, “Your deepest fear is not that you are inadequate. Your deepest fear is that you are powerful beyond measure. It is your light, not your darkness, that most frightens you. You ask yourself, who am I to be brilliant, talented, and athletic? Actually, who are you not to be? If you just look past the constant feeling of not being good enough, you will surprise yourself. Being prideful isn’t all bad.”

  Raphael takes out something from his pocket. He walks towards me and puts it in my hand. I look down to see it’s my watch. I notice that my watch has always been the one that Madi gave me.

  “The only way to beat the clock is to always be watching it. Don’t let overconfidence be your downfall. It’s a thin line between courage and common sense.”

  He walks toward the elevator. Without turning back he says, “Now best hide that pistol a little better than in your obvious freezer, you hear?” He steps into the elevator then turns around and looks at the L button. “You wanna come push this for me, cracker?”

  I stand there not moving an inch. He laughs and says, “That’s my boy.” He presses the button and the door closes in front of him. I think about where I can hide the pistol. I take my watch and wrap in around my wrist. I look at the hourglass standing on the edge of the roof. It flips around as the sand begins falling once again.

  55 Minutes

  I close my eyes and for some reason the image of the waitress crosses my mind.

  That’s it!

  Suddenly, I open my eyes wide. Reaching inside my jacket pocket, I find a piece of paper and pen, and start writing a note. I walk into the elevator still writing.

  The glimmer of the bright colors of the painting distracts me. I turn to focus my eyes on the electric blue light of the cross and suddenly I witness a revelation. The significance of the color on the painting is the same color that I have seen before when Raphael sliced off my arm.This can be seen as a cross but in actuality its a person’s soul. Maybe Barachiel was right all along.

  I hear the elevator opening again, this time on my floor. I step out, finishing the note as I arrive at the waitress’ apartment door.

  I take out the pistol case, place my note on top of it, and leave them by her door. I walk back across the hall to my apartment, unlock the door, and walk in, closing the door behind me.

  Now I can finally get a chance to freely think!

  I walk to my bedroom and look at the blueprint on my wall. Taking out my pen, I circle where I see the rooftop elevator is displayed. I write ‘finish line’ above it. This will be my exit door out of this hell, I think. I just need to find out who am I, what my token is, who my demon is, what my dreams mean, and what the necklace is about. Maybe the necklace is my token or maybe it is somehow related to getting back my memories?

  I quietly sigh to myself, knowing that I have so much to do and only four more days to do it. I feel tired.

  I look over at the American flag hanging right beside the blueprints, remembering my angry driven father and how he hit my mother. It makes sense now the reason why I became who I was. My father didn’t see anything good in me, so why would I have? This was probably my mentality towards my upbringing. I try to focus away from my past related subjects until out of nowhere I remember the flask that Madi had given to me in my memory.

  I walk in to my closet and take out the flask from my inside coat pocket. I put it in my back pocket and walk out, heading in to my bedroom to get ready for what’s soon to come. I look at the half-filled hourglass in the reflection of my window, knowing I’ve still got a little time left.

  I take off my clothes and set them aside on my chair. As I take the watch off my wrist, I read the back of it. ‘I believe in you.’ I smile, never really noticing it was always there. I look back at my pants and walk over to take my flask out of it. Gazing down at the steel surface of the flask, I read the inscription again.

  “Après moi, le déluge.”

  It sounds so familiar. I wonder what it means?

  I unscrew the top and raise it to my mouth. The cascading sheets of clear purified liquid spill inconsistently into my mouth. Still not able to taste anything but I can imagine it close enough. I look over to my window and notice the hourglass reflecting off of it.

  Another question to add to my list of questions. Why does it appear now and not ever in the morning? Maybe this is the last hourglass to break. But if that is the case, then why do all the angels think the one on the roof is? And why have I never told any of them?

  The last thought leaves me uneasy as my alarm clock ticks away the last remaining seconds: 59:58, 59:59, 60:00.

  Madi sees a rest stop sign up ahead. I turn on my right signal light.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, panicking.

  “Madi, it’s getting way too bad out there. I have to pull off like everyone else is doing.”

  “We can make it, just slow down a little. We’re almost there!”

  “Madi, we have like 42 minutes before we’re home. We won’t make it!”

  Madi opens her purse, finds a small orange bottle of prescription anxiety medicine, and takes out two pills. Tilting her head back, she hits her open palm against her mouth, throwing them back into her throat. She swallows and breathes in and out as slowly and deeply as she can, trying to calm down. She tries to control her mind, but she has flashes of Jacob forcing her down.

  “I can’t do this!” Madi growls at me. Snow blows furiously over the hood of the car and past the headlights.

  I respond in a calm but firm voice, staring straight ahead of me, “Madi, stop this.”

  “Daddy?” asks a lo
ne, small voice from the backseat. I shift the rearview mirror to see my six-year-old daughter, Anna, sitting patiently behind me.

  “Yes, pretty girl?” I reply gently.

  “I’m hungry.”

  Madi opens the glove compartment, finds a sucker, and unwraps it. Keeping her eyes on the road ahead, she reaches back to Anna.

  “Here you go,” Madi says. “We won’t be home for quite a while.”

  Anna stretches forward trying to reach it. Both Madi and I are looking at the road, focused on the snow. Anna unbuckles her seatbelt.

  “Got it!” Anna says victoriously, grasping the white stem and putting the sucker in her mouth. “Thanks, Mom!” Madi nods. Her eyes remain fixed on the road.

  “I can’t,” Madi says quietly to me. “I can’t do this!”

  “You need to calm down, Madi.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Listen to the music,” I say to her. “Do what Dr. Wiser told you to do.” I watch from the corner of my eye as Madi breathes slowly in, trying to concentrate on the music.

  “Dr. Wiser really is wiser,” she says, her voice significantly calmer now.

  My body suddenly feels like it’s on fire. My mouth is now dry and my forehead is sweating like a waterfall.

  Madi spots a vehicle coming up beside us in the right-hand lane. As it gets closer, she sees it is a utility van carrying plate glass windows. I see the truck, too. Looking over, I notice a reflection of the Valkyrie in the glass. I start to panic; my heart is pounding and I am completely terrified. I can see Madi staring at me.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks. I look back over to find just the glass panes. The Valkyrie reflection has disappeared. I fear the worst is about to happen and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. After a few seconds have gone by, I try to calm myself thinking maybe I beat it. Maybe this was all one big test and I won. I’d like to think that.