Storms Over Secrets

by J. A. Derouen

  A strangled laugh escapes her lips as she rolls her eyes and smiles. “Is that what you’re angry about? God, it’s nothing to get all bent out of shape over.”

  “Are you kidding me right now? You told Celia you and I laugh about her! You called her pathetic. Who the hell do you think you are?”

  “Your girlfriend, that’s who!” she shouts, leaning forward and pointing her finger into my chest. “And if I didn’t fix the problem, we’d be sitting on first base for the rest of our damn lives. I heard you on the phone last week, trying to let her down easy. Easy didn’t seem to sink in, so I took matters into my own hands. You refuse to move on as long as she’s hovering over us. I did what needed to be done. Trust me, baby, you just need time to see how good we can be together.”

  “Girlfriend? Is that what you think? Are you deluded enough to think if Celia disappears, I’ll magically fall in love with you? Clue in, honey. If it ain’t happened yet, it’s not going to, and I’m exhausted from the effort of trying. I’m not especially fond of petty and spiteful, and you’ve got the market cornered on both. Thank you for showing me your true colors sooner rather than later, because I’m not a fan of wasting my fucking time. No matter how much time passes, it won’t change the cold hard facts. It won’t make me like you any more or love her any less.”

  About halfway through my so-long-good-fucking-riddance speech, her lips turn into a venomous sneer. Her true colors shine, her full-on bitch flag waving proudly.

  “It’s not me you’re wasting your time with, Cain. That girl is going to suck the life out of you and leave you high and dry. I wish you luck waiting for a miracle, but if it ain’t happened yet, it’s not going to.” She shoots me a satisfied smile, pleased that she threw my words back in my face.

  I reach over her, unlatch the passenger door, and fling it open. Face to face, I shake my head in disgust. “I’ll take waiting a lifetime for her instead of settling for you any day of the week.”

  “One day, you’re going to wake up and realize you made the biggest mistake of your life,” she spits angrily as she hops out of the truck and slams the door.

  “Yeah, not fucking likely,” I mutter, although she can’t hear a word I say as she stomps down the driveway to her front door.

  My manners won’t let me drive away before she gets inside, but the rubber burns the road the second she does. I need to be as far away from that toxic bitch as I can get.

  I navigate through a sleepy Providence, kicking myself for not seeing her for what she is sooner. I got my first glimpse of her on the day Sarge went missing, and I’m pissed I didn’t figure her out right away. But after what I saw tonight, I knew I needed to put the trash to the curb. Life is way too short.

  I feel free and empty, all in the same breath. If I’m honest with myself, Kimberly didn’t even come close to filling the void created when I lost Celia. She was the waxy, congealed replica dessert display the waitress showed you before bringing the most scrumptious chocolate cake on the planet. Her puffed up lips even tasted like wax. Lip stain, she called it. Whatever—all I want is Celia’s sugared, glossy lips on mine. Pure fucking sweetness.

  This train of thought is useless. I know I’m setting myself up for the inevitable fall; and I do fall for her, over and over again. Her message was clear. She didn’t mince words. Move on. And I will, but in my own time. I’m not forcing myself, hoping to erase her from my mind. I’ll live my life on my terms, and if love finds me again, I’ll welcome it. But I’ll never try to spin silk out of shit again.

  I park my truck and take the stairs to my loft two at a time, anxious to take care of Biz and put an end to this shitful day. When I reach my front door, all hope of burying myself in beer and Comedy Central vanishes.

  Audrey is perched on my patio bench, and it looks as if she’s been here for a while. Feet propped up, arms crossed, and eyes closed, she’s camped on my porch whether I like it or not. If you snooze you lose, so too bad for her.

  I slide my key in the lock, and make it through the front door without a sound. That is, until Mr. Biscuit lets out a huge yelp and tackles my feet. I cringe at the sound of shuffling on the porch, and I know I’ve been made.

  I tug Biz’s ear and whisper to the little traitor. “An intruder sneaks in and you’re a fucking mute. Now I’m trying to sneak in, and you’re Chatty Cathy. You’re dead to me, dog.”

  “Cain?”

  I don’t even attempt to hide my groan, and I don’t bother to turn around. This girl single-handedly ruined my relationship with Celia in one conversation. There is no love lost with Audrey, not one bit. “Look, it’s been one helluva night. I can assure you, there’s nothing you have to say that I want to hear. Do me a solid and walk away. Just leave me the fuck alone, Audrey.”

  I stay crouched down with Biz at my feet, and I hear the door close behind me. I’m grateful for the peace for a few moments, until I sense movement behind me.

  Fuck me.

  “I know you hate me right now, but I promise, you don’t want me to leave,” she says with a harsh tone, slightly padded with apology. She walks around to face me, and stoops down to meet my eyes. “Trust me, you’re going to want to hear what I have to say.”

  “Landslide” by Smashing Pumpkins

  Present Day

  “GIRLS, I BELIEVE in happily ever after about as much as I believe in the tooth fairy, but there are a select few men in this world I would marry on the spot. Chris Hemsworth tops that list. If that fine specimen of a man wanted to put a ring on it, I’d have the Elvis impersonator booked before you can say, ‘Take me, Thor!’” Marlo puts the back of her hand to her forehead and sighs.

  Abbie and Violet giggle at Marlo’s antics and flip to the next page of the magazine, obviously a Hollywood gossip rag. It’s good to see Violet smiling. After the police found insufficient evidence to press charges against her attacker, it’s been a rough road. Her therapy sessions with Caroline are going well, and she volunteers at the clinic, helping Marlo with lab testing. She’s a nursing major, so the position is a perfect fit … other than Marlo’s filterless mouth. Due to their similar circumstances, those two have formed quite a bond. Like the rest of us, I think Violet takes Marlo and loves her as she is.

  Abbie snorts and covers her face with her hand while Marlo fans her crotch with previously mentioned gossip rag. She is another previous client turned volunteer, and over the last month, Violet and Abbie have been inseparable. Abbie is a new freshman at Northern U with no family support, so having an upperclassman show her the ropes is huge. Needless to say, Violet needs a little extra care these days, too.

  I swipe the magazine from Marlo’s hand and smack her on the head with it. She grabs her head and scowls.

  “Hey, what was that for?” she whines.

  “Just trying to wake you up from your fantasy, my dear friend,” I reply with a laugh.

  My hands fall slack at my sides when Cain walks into the hallway with Adam in tow. Our eyes meet, and I smile without thought. His expression is pained, and so unlike the Cain I know. It’s been a week since our argument at the party, and I haven’t heard a word from him … or Audrey, strangely enough.

  Marlo tosses a stress ball at Adam’s head as a hello, but keeps gossiping with the girls. Adam catches the ball mid-air, tosses it between his legs, and lobs Marlo right in the boobs. He gets a high five from Cain for his efforts, and Cain almost smiles. Almost.

  The main office area of the clinic is a wide-open space with desks littered throughout, and Adam and Cain sit down at one just out of earshot, no matter how hard I crane my ear. I resist the urge to shush the girls so I can tune in.

  I seize the opportunity when Adam takes off toward the restroom, despite a warning glare from Marlo. I know our last encounter was anything but pleasant, but I give her a reassuring nod to suggest I have everything under control. Yeah, she doesn’t look convinced.

  “Hey,” I say softly as I approach, and I swear he let’s out a frustrated sigh when he notices me stan
ding there. I’m not deterred. “How’s it going?”

  “Fine,” he says, with a raise of his eyebrows and a slight shoulder shrug.

  “I took Eddie to the fig fields yesterday. Oh my gosh, Cain, you should have seen her,” I say with a high-pitched laugh. “It was a downpour of feathers and orange fur. Poor darling looked like she had the mange by the time we left.”

  He says nothing. Not a damn word.

  “Look, about the other night,” I say, a tremble in my voice. “I’m really sorry…”

  “Don’t.”

  One word. That’s all he gives me.

  “I just want you to know—”

  He stares at the floor and crosses his arms. “I just can’t do this with you, Celia. I’m sorry, but I can’t know anything else right now, okay?”

  My jaw drops, surprised by his response. Cain has never shut me down before. He may not like what I have to say, but he always lets me say it.

  Adam walks up behind Cain and slaps him on the back. “Hey Cece,” he says cheerfully, unaware of the exchange while he was gone. “Ready, Cain?”

  “Yeah, man,” Cain mumbles, heading to the door without another word.

  Adam watches Cain’s back for a moment, and then shifts questioning eyes in my direction. I must look pitiful because his expression softens and he wraps me in a bear hug.

  “Give him some time,” Adam whispers, laying a kiss to the top of my head before following after Cain.

  After the front door bell jingles, announcing the departure of the men, Marlo lets out a long, low whistle.

  “I’m not a big fan of watching train wrecks, girl, and you two are a head-on collision waiting to happen lately.” Marlo shakes her head in disappointment. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but where’s the Cain and Celia who sprinkle glitter and shit rainbows. I want those two back.”

  I shrug my slumped shoulders. “Yeah, me too.”

  “Hey Trevor, how’s it going today?” I smile and grab a pen to fill out the visitation log. “I know Audrey isn’t here yet, but she should be driving up any second.”

  Trevor lays his hand on top of the clipboard and pulls it to him with a nervous smile. Confused, I pull it back toward me, and he shakes his head.

  “I’m so sorry, Cece, but I can’t let you in to see Lucas today.”

  I shake my head and laugh. “She’ll be here any minute. I know she needs to be here, but—”

  “That’s not the problem. It’s just that … look, I’m sorry, but … you’re no longer on Lucas’s list of approved visitors, chaperoned or otherwise.” Trevor’s voice trembles slightly as he delivers the blow.

  “Get them on the phone,” I say, fuming.

  “Wh-what?”

  “Get Cindy and Gene Landry on the phone right now. They can’t … just do this! It’s not fair to me or Lucas.” My voice is frantic, even to my own ears, and tears threaten. I grip the counter for balance and peer out the front door, praying Audrey shows up and helps me fix this mess. Her parents never cease to amaze me with how despicable they can be.

  Trevor lays a hand on top of mine and squeezes. “Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it wasn’t Mr. and Mrs. Landry’s decision.”

  “Then who?” I demand, ready and willing to fight.

  “Celia, Lucas took you off the visitors’ list himself.”

  I sit slumped in a waiting room chair, sitting in a puddle of my tears and hysterics when Audrey returns from seeing Lucas. Her downturned lips tell me everything I need to know.

  He doesn’t want to see me.

  I crumple, my arms wrapping around my knees and my head falling to my lap. My sobs come in waves, one rolling into the other as Audrey rubs my back.

  “He won’t budge, Cece. I’m sorry,” Audrey says, her own voice cracking with emotion. “I need you to be patient.”

  “Patient?” I cry, looking up at her. “You think I haven’t been patient?”

  “I know you have. I just need some time to fix this.” She lifts my face, and her thumbs wipe the mascara-blackened tears from my cheeks as she smiles. “I’m going to fix everything, I promise.”

  Her empty words do nothing to calm me. Promises are the poison in my life, the knives cutting deep gashes into my heart, the vortex swallowing the deepest parts of my soul, and Audrey can just add hers to the pile.

  I fall to my knees in front of the chiseled marble, one finger tracing her name, the other clutching my necklace.

  Eleanor Catherine Lemaire

  Beloved Mother and Grandmother

  “Grams, sometimes being without you is like holding my breath underwater. Lately it feels like I can’t break the surface,” I sob.

  The steady hum of passing cars is the only sound. People hurriedly drive from one place to the other, oblivious to the loneliness and regret snaking its way through my veins.

  “Part of me hopes you can’t see me now, because I’m afraid you would be disappointed in who I’ve become. All these years, I thought I was making the right choices—doing the right thing, but it turns out I’ve never made a choice at all. I let momentum guide me. I’ve been a passenger in my own life, rolling with the tide, never making the hard calls, and now I’m left all alone, with no one to blame but myself. I pushed Cain away time and again. I didn’t fight hard enough for Lucas. I let his parents write the rules, and I played along like a fool. How did I get here? When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize who I’ve become, Grams. You taught me to fight, and all I keep doing is laying down.”

  I wish she could hold me in her arms, soft and loving, while giving me the hard truth. She was always an expert at that. You know the answer, Celia; it’s just easier for you to ignore it. She possessed an expertly tuned internal barometer, allowing her to give the right amount of tough love while holding my heart carefully in her hands. It’s time to make her proud.

  I’ve lived a life overrun with gravity and momentum. My choices run parallel with the current of circumstance. Not anymore. I’m through with gravity. I loathe momentum. I crave the turbulence of emotions. I want the push, the pull, the ache, the fall.

  I want the storms.

  “The Great Escape” by Pink

  Present Day

  LUCAS,

  Do you remember your “friend,” Tommy Badeaux? God, he was such a tool—probably still is—but you thought he was the coolest guy. I never understood why you wanted to be friends with him, but I did my best to keep quiet.

  I remember this one time, you wanted to sneak out and meet him and his friends at the levee for a bonfire. You were so dead-set on going, no matter the consequences if you were caught. You put your truck in neutral, and Audrey and I pushed it out of the driveway and into the road while you steered. We almost took out a mailbox, and Audrey skinned her knee, but we got you halfway down the road without having to turn the ignition.

  I slept in your bed while you were gone. Just in case your parents checked. And they did come looking, but they were none the wiser. Hours later, you snuck back in, pissed off and hurt because Tommy only called you because he wanted a ride home. I wanted to punch that prick in his face for being such a jerk to you.

  The week after, Tommy’s girlfriend, Layla, dumped him in grand fashion in the quad. Drinks were thrown, faces were slapped, and as far as I’m concerned, justice was served. You see, someone tipped Layla off about Tommy’s “secret” homework sessions with Hannah the Ho-Bag. I can’t imagine who would do such a thing…

  You may be wondering about this trip down memory lane, but I do have a point. No matter what, even if I don’t agree with you, I will always have your back, Lucas. Back when we were silly kids, stupid teenagers, and even now, as completely clueless adults, I will always stand by you. I may have lost sight of things along the way, made choices that did more harm than good, but it doesn’t change the fact that I always had your best interests at heart. You may turn your back on me, but I’ll continue fighting for you.

  I’m here. I’ll always be here. You don
’t have to see me if you don’t want to, but I’ll keep showing up every week, hoping you change your mind. There are so many things I need to tell you—feelings and words left unspoken far too long.

  Let me in again, Lucas, so we can have a fresh start.

  I’m waiting,

  Celia

  I slide the letter into the envelope and lick the edges. After scribbling his name on the front, I walk to the front desk and smile at Trevor.

  “Will you be sure he gets it?” I ask as I hand him the sealed envelope.

  Trevor gives me a sympathetic smile and takes the letter. “Of course, Celia. You know, it’s been a month. I hate for you to keep making this drive for nothing—”

  “It’s not for nothing,” I interrupt with a determined smile. “Frustrating? Disheartening? Yes. But it’s definitely not for nothing.”

  “Okay.” Trevor nods and disappears into the back of the hospital, like he does every week, to deliver my letter to Lucas.

  I take a seat in the waiting area and settle in. Each week, I hope to hear the buzz of the electronic door, allowing me entry to the hospital’s day room, but it hasn’t happened yet. But one day it will, because if there were someone out there more stubborn than Lucas Landry, that person would be me.

  I understand why he shut me out, I really do. The Celia from a month ago was lacking imagination and drive. I played by the rules and refused to step outside the lines for an answer to help Lucas get out of here. Not anymore. I’m ready to bust down walls and scream from the rooftops. I’m willing to do what needs to be done to sort out a solution for Lucas.

  It’s also past time to sort out my life, and that means having a hard conversation with him. Lucas is a permanent fixture in my life, but he’s no longer the center of it. I think the same is true for him, but neither of us ever says the words. Our friendship curves and evolves over time without question or definition. I need to be clear in order to move on with a clear conscience. I lost my chance with Cain, but who knows what the future holds? Hope is a dangerous thing, but living without it is unthinkable.