Storms Over Secrets

by J. A. Derouen

  I will always hope for Cain and the storms he awakens.

  When the clock ticks the top of the hour, I gather my purse and wave at Trevor with a tight smile. He shakes his head and blows me a friendly kiss.

  Until next week…

  “He’s an incorrigible bully, Celia. I came home last night to a ginormous SUV parked in our driveway. He expects me to drive that monstrosity. He stole the keys to my bug when I fell asleep. Who does that?” Sara’s pinched face feigns anger, but the affection in her eyes gives her away every time. She loves it.

  “While your Volkswagen is beyond cool, one could argue it isn’t the safest car around. You know that man will move the sun and stars to protect you and those kids. Honestly, there are worse things, don’t you think?” I shrug my shoulders and keep sorting through paperwork.

  Caroline is a wonderful therapist and leader, but her office could be featured on an episode of Hoarders. Every few months, I raid it and make sense of the piles of dead trees. She gripes about the intrusion, but she’d never find her way out of this office if it weren’t for me.

  “I know you’re right, but my bug holds sentimental value. Does it have air-conditioned seats? Of course not, but I helped build it,” she says with a pout. A tiny smile creeps up as she leans into me. “Adam thinks we should give it to Abbie. It’s the perfect car for a college girl, don’t you think?”

  I gasp, then cover my mouth and look behind me to be sure no one is listening. I’d hate to ruin the surprise. “Sara, she’s going to be thrilled! That’s so generous of you.”

  “Honestly, it’s the only thing that makes giving up my car feel right. My life is so blessed, and I want to give a little good fortune to Abbie. She’s overcome so much in her life, and she works so hard. For once, I want her to feel a little spoiled.”

  Happy tears build, and I laugh. My emotions are all over the place these days, so it’s no surprise when I become a blubbering mess. At least they are tears of joy. Today, I consider that fact a win.

  “You have to get a picture of her face when you tell her. It’s going to be epic.” I reach over and squeeze Sara’s hands excitedly.

  “Oh no. What did you do to her, Sara? I wonder if the child’s eyes have an off switch,” Caroline says with a laugh as she bounds into the room and throws a stack of papers on top of the desk.

  “Oh hush, Caroline, I’m fine. You’re exaggerating.”

  Caroline raises an eyebrow.

  Sara rises from the chair and gives both Caroline and me a quick hug. “Gotta run. I’m picking up Lily and Gage from school today. I’ll keep you posted, Celia,” she says with a wink.

  Caroline doesn’t miss a beat, flittering around the office, stuffing art supplies in her bag. I grab the giant paper stack she deposited on the desk and move it to the side. She giggles as she watches me.

  “I’ll be out of your hair shortly, Oh Organized One. I have my monthly art therapy session in Pineville tonight, so I’d like to go home and catch a nap before. Once I leave, you can continue this exercise of futility without interruption from me.”

  Pineville? Did she just say Pineville?

  The folder in my hand freezes in midair, and my breath catches in my throat. That’s Lucas’s hospital.

  “You run a therapy session at the Pineville hospital?” I whisper, watching her reaction closely.

  “Mm-hm,” she says, avoiding my eyes.

  She turns her back to me and continues pulling supplies from the cabinets.

  “How long have you been going there? Why didn’t I know?”

  She drops her bag on the floor and stands up straight, but doesn’t turn around.

  “For years. And it wasn’t important.”

  Years … years. When she leaves her supplies in a heap on the floor and takes a seat in the chair beside me, there’s no denying the truth.

  “You know,” I croak, my previous happy tears turning into something entirely different.

  She reaches out and grabs my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “Tread lightly, Celia. What I know isn’t up for discussion. My work and my personal life are very separate. I’m not allowed to carry knowledge from one part of my life into the other. You know this better than anyone. But I love you like a daughter. Over the last few years, I’ve watched you grow as a therapist, all the while struggling with your personal life. I’m here for you, if there are ever things you need to get off your chest.”

  I’m not sure what it is about this day. Is it Caroline’s gentle eyes, Lucas’s refusal to see me, or my frustration and grief over losing Cain? Whatever it is, I no longer feel the need to keep the Landrys’ secret. Why in the world should I? There is no shame in Lucas’s struggle. The only shameful act I see is Gene and Cindy Landry trying to hide their son’s illness to the detriment of him. That’s the true sin in all of this, and I’m tired of playing by their rules.

  I’m done with the lies.

  “You see, Caroline, it all started with a secret…”

  “That’s quite a story, my dear,” Caroline says as she leans back and crosses her arms. “I’ve always wondered why you never confided in me. I feel close to you in many ways, but you have always fiercely guarded that part of your life. I was beginning to think no one would ever break down your defenses … until Cain.”

  Delight flickers in her eyes, and I wish I could feel the same. Is it freeing to say the words out loud—to confess my sins, lay all my regret on the line? Of course it is, but the facts remain the same.

  I’m still completely alone.

  “I didn’t intend to shut you or anyone else out, but I felt as if it wasn’t my secret to tell. My past actions caused a great deal of pain for Lucas’s family, and, because of that, I respected their wishes regarding him. But I feel differently now. As far as I’m concerned, it’s no longer my secret to keep, and if I can help Lucas by bringing things to light, I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen. I hate how badly I’ve screwed things up.”

  “Now, what in the world makes you think all of this falls on your shoulders?” Caroline huffs, exasperated by my comment.

  “Are you kidding? I think his suicide attempts and six-year stint in a mental hospital would be explanation enough.” I let out a humorless laugh. “Or should I touch on how I doomed Cain’s and my relationship from the start by building it on a half truth? Had I not been vague from the beginning, maybe we would have had a chance. That lie permanently stained any future he and I could have.”

  “When will you get it? Love isn’t about a perfect start or a flawless journey. The stains are the good part—they make everything you’re fighting for real and unique. The key to finding love and keeping it is embracing the stains … the scars … the fuck ups,” she says, matter-of-factly.

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes, it is, and I’ll tell you something else. The origin of your relationship with Cain isn’t the problem. The crux of it all lies in the fact that you’ve given your life away. You let one mistake lead you down the wrong path. It’s time to belong to yourself again, dear girl, instead of everyone else,” Caroline says, giving me a knowing smile. “And I’m happy you seem to have finally caught up. Feeling a bit more free today?”

  “Yes, I do,” I whisper, trying my best to hold back the grin pulling at my lips.

  “Then I’d say it’s time to go get your boy.”

  I sigh. “It’s not that easy, Caroline. I need to get things right with Lucas before I can move forward with my life, not that any of that matters. Cain is with Kimberly now. Just because I finally woke the hell up doesn’t mean anything changes for Cain. He did what I asked him to do. He moved on with his life, and I have to respect that.”

  “Girl, what am I going to do with you? Stop worrying about the order of things and listen to that beautiful heart beating in your chest. There are times when life isn’t about doing the right thing at the right time. Sometimes you have to do what you feel and find a way to make it right,” she scolds as she pokes me in the chest. “Go make stains
, Celia. Spray indelible ink all over the place. Make a messy life, and love every minute of it. That’s what I want for you.”

  Her words spark a fire in me. I know what I want—there isn’t a single doubt in my mind. I want morning whispers across the pillows, bathed in the warmth of the morning sun. I want that with Cain. If I close my eyes, I still feel his lips gently resting on mine, his breath dancing across my flushed cheeks. I want to lay my head over his heart and fall asleep to the gentle rise and fall of his chest soothing me. I want to gaze upon his face and feel completely at peace and in love.

  It’s possible Cain will laugh in my face or slam the door before I even get a word out. Hell, Kimberly may open the door and scratch my eyes out with her pointy red nails. I shudder to think of getting beat down by her humongous boobs. Whatever the outcome, I have to try. I have to fight. Cain means too much to me.

  I head for the door, my heart set and my mind determined.

  “Celia, wait,” Caroline cries, and I turn to face her. “Where are you going?”

  “Where do you think?” I laugh.

  Caroline meets me at the door and pats my cheek.

  “Want me to sweeten the deal?”

  I nod with a furrowed brow, curious to hear what she has to say.

  “Cain and Kimberly have been over for a while now,” she says with a conspiratorial smile.

  I grip the doorframe for balance, her words setting my heart ablaze. I feel the tiniest tinge of hope growing inside me.

  “How did I not know this?” I ask. It’s hard to believe it never came up if it happened weeks ago. Wouldn’t someone have told me?

  “Sometimes news has a way of finding you at just the right time, don’t you think? You weren’t ready to hear it until now, sweet girl,” she says with a loving smile.

  I point out the doorway, my nerves causing a fine tremble in my fingers. “I’ve got to—”

  “Go!” she shouts with a laugh, and pushes me out the door.

  “the words” by Christina Perri

  Present Day

  AFTER PUSHING THE old Buick to the limits to get to Cain’s apartment and racing up the stairs, I stand motionless at his door. Love, excitement, anticipation, trepidation—all these feelings pulse through my body, the mixture playing a tug of war with my heart.

  What the hell do I say to him?

  I stare at my shoes and chew my bottom lip, but I can’t muster the courage to knock on the door. Maybe this is a mistake. I need time to think and prepare what I want to say to him. This is too important to leave to chance.

  I turn on my heel and take the first step down the staircase when I hear the door swing open behind me. Shit.

  “Celia?”

  God, I love the sound of his voice. I turn around and take him in. I’ve starved myself of him for months; I need a moment to indulge in his low-slung jeans and backward hat. I want to bathe in his emerald eyes and boyish smirk. I etch his image into my brain … just in case. I step forward and meet him, toe to toe, and tip my chin to meet his eyes.

  “You asked me what I would do if it were only you and me—no past, just a blank slate.”

  “I did,” he replies with an even tone.

  “Do you want to know my answer?”

  “Yes.” His eyes soften as he watches me, but his jaw stays clenched, steeling himself for whatever my answer may be.

  My fingers curl into the waistband of his jeans, and I rise up onto my toes. Nose to nose, I’m close enough to feel his short, ragged breaths dance across my cheek.

  I look straight into his eyes and lick my trembling lips. “I’d spend the rest of my life loving you,” I whisper.

  He doesn’t speak. His eyes go liquid, and he runs his thumb softly across my cheek … down my neck … across my collarbone. My pulse dances beneath his touch.

  “I know I don’t deserve you,” I stammer. “I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m so sorry. You have every right to ask me to leave and never come back. There are things in my life that are … difficult … but I won’t let them rule me anymore. I’ll knock down every road block in hopes that one day you’ll give me another chance.”

  “Celia, stop,” he says, covering my lips with his fingers. He grabs the back of his neck and lowers his head with a smirk. “You’ve got either the shittiest or most impeccable timing of anyone I know, I’m just not sure which. I’m actually on my way out.”

  “Oh … okay?”

  I didn’t know what to expect when I showed up here today. I don’t forgive you and you need to leave. Definitely a possibility. I love you, too, Tink. A girl can hope. I’m actually on my way out. What the hell am I supposed to make of that?

  Cain darts inside the apartment and comes back, keys and phone in hand. He holds up a finger as he dials the phone and places it to his ear.

  “Hey, there’s been a change of plans. Celia’s here with me,” he says into the phone, then he pauses. “I think it’s time, don’t you?” Another pause. “Just ask, okay?”

  Moments pass, and Cain paces the length of the porch, gripping the phone in one hand and nervously tapping his leg with the other. He stops abruptly and listens. With a fist pump and a silent “Yes”, he grins and looks over at me.

  “On our way,” he says as he lowers the phone.

  He spins his keys on his finger and places a nudging hand on my lower back. I shuffle forward, my face morphing into a confused frown. He smirks at me and touches his lips to my forehead.

  “Come on, Tink, you and I have somewhere to be.”

  A quiet anticipation hangs in the air as we drive through the streets of Providence. I turn and look at Cain, and his lip twitches when he notices my stare. I touch my forehead to his shoulder and suppress a giggle, downright giddy at being this close to him after all this time.

  When I got into his truck for our journey to the unknown, he looked across the cab at me and tapped the seat beside him.

  “C’mere, Celia,” he said gruffly. “I need you close.”

  Needless to say, I scooted my behind across that seat at lightning speed. Now, the heat from his thigh creeps through the thin material of my sundress, heating me from the outside in and I don’t mind it one bit.

  Cain squashes every attempt by me to find out where we’re headed, so I’m content to sit back and just be. It’s an easy thing to do with him by my side. Natural.

  When he steers the truck into the grass at his family’s fishing pond, I’m more than a little confused. Nothing seems out of place, and we are the only ones here.

  “Uh … so we’re fishing today?” I ask without even attempting to hide my bewilderment.

  “Yep.” He grins, swings open the door, and jumps out.

  Cain reaches into the truck bed and retrieves a handful of poles and a tackle box. I slide out of the truck and stare at him blankly. He hands the poles and box to me.

  “Could you hold these for me while I grab the ice chest?”

  I count four poles in my hand. Cain retrieves a huge ice chest from the truck and sets it down near the water.

  “Um, you do realize there are only two of us here, right? Who are the extra poles for?”

  Before I finish my sentence, I hear the faint sound of crunching gravel underneath tires. I turn and see a familiar blue car turning into the grass.

  What is Audrey doing here? And who the hell is in the passenger seat?

  When the passenger door opens, my hands drop to my sides, and the poles fall with a clatter at my feet. This can’t be real. My mind must be playing a cruel joke.

  “Hey, Celia,” Lucas calls out with a wave, greeting me with a boyish grin that signifies he sees no reason why this would be strange.

  I feel a nudge at my back. I turn my head toward Cain, and he gives me a nod of approval before he pushes me forward again. I maneuver through the maze of poles and meet Lucas halfway. We come face to face, separated by an invisible wall. My trembling hands dance over the outline of his body without ever touching, afraid he’ll vanish into thin air
if I make contact. I linger over his newly trimmed hair, down to his crystal clear eyes. I skate over his arms, his wringing hands, all the way down to his shoes, still held together with hospital issued duct tape.

  “You look pale,” I blurt out before thinking, then slam my hand over my mouth.

  “Years in an institution will do that to a person,” he says with a laugh, and then opens his arms to me. “It’s good to see you too, Cece.”

  I waste no time throwing my arms around him. I bury my head in his chest as the sobs wash over me. I didn’t believe in this day anymore.

  I wipe my snotty face across his now rumpled shirt and push away to get another look at him. Lucas surveys his ruined shirt with a wince, and I shrug my apology.

  “How are you here right now? I don’t understand.”

  He peers over my shoulder with a smile. “It turns out Audrey and Cain are quite the team. Mom and Dad never stood a chance. Those two are a force.”

  I look over my shoulder and treasure the sight. Audrey is teary-eyed and smiling, and Cain’s arm is draped over her shoulder. Cain beams with affection and understanding.

  “How in the world?” I ask with a shake of my head.

  Cain releases Audrey and steps closer. He places a kiss on the top of my head, then turns to Lucas. They shake hands and slap backs.

  “Good to see you again, man.” Cain grins.

  “It’s damn good to be seen,” Lucas says as he looks back and forth between Cain and me.

  Cain brushes my cheek with his thumb. “Tink, Audrey and I are taking a walk to the fig orchard to give you two some time to catch up, yeah?”

  I nod, but remain silent. This moment is surreal, and saying thank you seems grossly inadequate. He taps my nose with a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, and I know he feels the words of gratitude I don’t say.