Storms Over Secrets

by J. A. Derouen

  “Come on, Audrey,” Cain says, crooking his finger. “The fig fields await. Piss me off and I may unleash a flock of wild birds on your pretty little head.”

  Audrey rolls her eyes and shoves him. “Oh yeah? Piss me off and my foot will become intimately acquainted with your testicles.”

  “Try not to kill each other, okay?” I call out.

  “Rome wasn’t built in a day, Cece,” Audrey calls out. “Baby steps, okay?”

  As their bickering voices trail off into the distance, I turn to face Lucas. My mind is a jumble of questions, the first one being: ‘is this real?’

  “Brother” by NEEDTOBREATHE

  The Past: About One Month Ago

  THE METAL DOOR slams shut behind us, and the sound of the lock clicking into place echoes through the dank hallway. I’m not sure what the fuck I’m doing here or if it’s even the right move, but I’m trusting Audrey on this one.

  Gray. Everything in the place is gray—floors, walls, tables. Except, of course, where the paint on the cinder block walls is chipped to show equally depressing puke green. How the hell is anyone supposed to get better in this place? I’m depressed, and I’ve only been here two minutes.

  Audrey walks across the large meeting room, snaking her way through the tables and chairs until we reach the far corner. That’s where he sits, alone and oblivious to our approach. He’s hunched over, scribbling furiously, and mumbling to himself. Disheveled hair, complete chaos, and the biggest obstacle between the woman I love and me. At first glance, I have to say, what I thought was a speed bump is looking more like the Great Wall of China.

  “Lucas,” Audrey calls out, her voice filled with artificial cheer. “I have someone I’d like you to meet. His name is Cain, and he’s a friend of mine.”

  Lucas lifts his head for a couple of beats, hardly enough time acknowledge our presence, and gets right back to it. I can’t decipher what he’s mumbling under his breath, but the paper in front of him is filled with thousands of numbers in varying equations and patterns. If that piece of paper is a peek into his mind, no matter my frustration with the situation, I feel for the guy.

  Audrey tries several more times to get his attention as we sit across from him at the table, but he’s disinterested … distracted. She huffs to herself and wrings her fingers. Like me, she’s got a lot banking on this visit. She and I stuck our neck out there for this one, so it’s do-or-die time.

  And I make a move.

  I slide the business card across the table and place it in the middle of his paper. And I wait.

  Leonard Benson III

  Attorney At Law

  424-546-9908

  He stops scribbling and stares at the letters in front of him. He lifts his head and zeroes in on me for the first time today. Looking into his bewildered eyes is sobering. He led a normal life with a family, school, a girlfriend, and then one day, poisonous thoughts invaded his mind. It’s a frightening thought.

  “What is this?” he spits at me. “And who are you?”

  Audrey leans forward to speak, but I lay a hand on her arm and keep eye contact with Lucas.

  “My name is Cain, and that card is the name of the lawyer who’s going to get you out of this place. With your cooperation, of course.”

  I cross my arms and wait. I know I have his attention now. His eyes flit to the side every so often, but his gaze always comes back to me. He’s sizing me up.

  “Who sent you?” he whispers, his voice laced with suspicion. He pushes back from the table, and Audrey catches his hand.

  “No one sent him, Lucas. Cain is here to help. He’s a friend of mine.” Lucas shakes his head and glares at her, obviously unhappy with the intrusion. “He’s a friend of Celia’s.”

  “Really? If he’s a friend of Celia’s, where is she? Why isn’t she here?” He rises to his feet and gathers his markers.

  I pull out my phone and thumb through photos as a last ditch effort. When I find what I’m looking for, I shove the phone in his direction, and his eyes fall upon the screen.

  “See, Lucas, she’s telling the truth. Celia and I are friends, and she’s not here today because I want to help her as much as I want to help you. Celia tends to get in her own way sometimes.”

  “Isn’t that the truth,” he mutters with a humorless chuckle.

  Lucas stares at the picture of Celia and me, her perched on my back, arms wrapped around my neck, laughing. He takes the phone from my hands, and an involuntary smile tugs at his lips. Before I realize what he’s doing, he raises a finger and flips through the photos.

  Fuck.

  I reach over the table and take the phone away from him. I lock the phone and the screen goes black, but not before I see a pic of Celia and me lip-locked. He lowers himself back into the chair, appearing strangely calm and focused. He watches me, either looking for an answer, or maybe figuring out the question.

  “You love her,” he says softly.

  His expression is blank, neither angry nor content. I can’t get a good read on the guy.

  “Yes.” Right or wrong, I’m gonna level with the him. Honesty all the way. I just pray it works.

  “Does she love you?”

  That’s an interesting question. Unfortunately, I don’t have an easy answer for him. Before I can think of anything to say, Audrey takes the lead.

  “Yes, Lucas, she does. She tries to hide her feelings, but there’s no denying she loves Cain.” Her words are soft and slow, as if that will lessen the blow.

  Lucas’s eyes dart between us. “Why is she hiding her feelings?”

  This time, his question silences us both. These are complicated questions, and there are no simple answers. I can’t seem to find the right words deliver the message without turning the knife. Then I see the moment it happens—when the realization washes over him.

  “It’s because of me,” he says in a strangled whisper, and I cringe at the pain and regret flowing off him. He lowers his head and scrapes his hands down his face and through his hair. He looks up at me with apologetic eyes. “I never wanted this for her, you know. I never meant to take her life away.”

  “She never wanted this for you, either, I can assure you. She wants what’s best for you. She loves you—always will. Now it’s time to get both of your lives back.”

  The words cost me, but I know them to be true. I don’t believe what Lucas and Celia share is a romantic love, at least not anymore, but it’s love all the same. I’m hoping there’s a place for both of us at the end of this.

  Lucas nods slowly and locks eyes with me. “I’ll try—I’ll try for her.”

  I look to Audrey and shake my head. “That’s great, man, but you need to do it for you. If this is gonna work, it’s got to be for you.”

  Audrey reaches across the table and grabs Lucas’s hand. “Please, it’s time for a fresh start … a new beginning. You both deserve that.”

  Lucas nods with conviction and picks up the business card off the table. He runs the edges between his fingers, reading over the words on the card over and again.

  “So what’s next?”

  “All This Time” by One Republic

  Present Day

  SHOES OFF AND feet dangling over the still water, Lucas bumps my shoulder and smiles. I clasp his hand in mine and lean my head on his shoulder. The croaking frogs and splashing fish are the only sounds filling the silence.

  “My pass is only for four hours, Cece. I’m happy to just sit here with you, but I’m sure you have questions.”

  I sigh. “Just give me a moment to pretend, okay? I don’t want to think about you going back to that place.”

  “You think I do? God, every time I have to go back, it fucking kills me.” Lucas shudders and exhales a frustrated breath. “It also drives me to keep pushing forward.”

  “Every time? What do you mean? How many passes have you had, Lucas?”

  His sympathetic look says it all. I release his hand and try to stand, but he catches my arm before I can get away.
<
br />   “No, Lucas! I don’t understand how you could shut me out. I know I’ve made mistakes, but what have I done to deserve this?” I cry, trying unsuccessfully to keep my temper in check.

  “Please, just give me a chance to explain. It’s not what you think.” Lucas scrubs his hand over his face and leans his elbows on his knees. He looks out onto the water. “I wanted you to be proud of me again, Celia. I wanted to give the meds, the therapy, all of it, a fair shot and show you I’m more than my disease. You’ve watched me struggle for so many years. Just for once, I wanted you to see me succeed.”

  His confession grips me, makes me wish for a different life for him … an easier life.

  “I thought you were angry with me—that you’d cut me out of your life,” I confess with a trembling voice.

  Lucas turns to face me and grabs my hands. “I’d never want that. I can’t do this without you. But, just for once, I wanted you to look at me without pity. I wanted to surprise you with how much I’m improving.”

  I nod, my anger waning. While I understand his reasoning, it’s obvious he never gave much thought to how his actions would affect me. For someone like me, with no family, my friendships mean everything to me. Severing a tie with someone as important to me as Lucas? The pain of that loss has been staggering. I don’t know if he’ll ever understand how deeply he hurt me. But when I look at him, I can’t deny the fact that I am proud of him. He’s focused and clear for the first time in as long as I can remember.

  I lower my feet into the water and splash a few times, the coolness coating my feet. Lucas smiles and follows suit after rolling up his pants. I kick a bit of water his way, and he laughs, sounding happy and free. It’s a beautiful sound.

  “I need you to tell me from the beginning. What started all of this? Did your parents have a change of heart?”

  Lucas lets out a humorless chuckle. “Not so much a change of heart as a change in perspective. When a high-powered attorney threatens to make a splash about the parents who locked their son away for years, and the legal fight for the boy’s freedom, said parents tend to loosen the leash on their batshit crazy son.”

  “Don’t say that,” I argue, but Lucas holds up his hand to quiet me.

  “I’m just joking, Celia. You’re so cute—you’ll even defend me to me,” he laughs. “Anyway, it turns out things look more favorable for Cindy and Gene if they can tell their friends they’re doing everything in their power to help their sick son. Leverage is a wonderful thing.”

  “So, just like that, you started taking meds and showing up for therapy?”

  Truly, could it have been that easy? Years of fighting tooth and nail, and everyone folds with one little threat? I can’t believe that.

  “Nah, you know me better than that. I didn’t go down without a fight. Doc had a list of meds for me to take, and after researching the hell out of each of them in his office, I agreed to about a third of what he prescribed. I sat in there for hours,” he admits with a smirk. “I know the old bastard wanted to kill me. After a few days on the meds, I felt like utter shit, completely dead inside. My thoughts were like tar. Everything in my mind came to a screeching halt.”

  “It can take some time to find the right dosages, Lucas. The right med—”

  “I know, really, I do,” he interrupts. “Because no matter how empty I felt, the voices were gone.”

  “The hallucinations?”

  “Ah, well, practice makes perfect. I still see mice running across the floors, but they are of the rainbow family. No snarling teeth and mangy fur. You win some, you lose some,” he says with a laugh. “But the cool thing about Doc is he listens to me. We’ve been tweaking the dosages for weeks, and I feel better every day. Instead of feeling hollow, I’m beginning to feel focused.”

  “That’s so amazing, Lucas. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. I know you took a giant leap of faith, but it’s going to pay off, I know it.” Hope bubbles up within me, and I beam at him. I’ve wished for this type of cooperation since the day he was diagnosed. I was beginning to think it would never happen.

  He lowers his eyes and focuses on his fingers clasped in his lap. “Now that I’m granted supervised computer time, I’ve started looking into some online college courses. I know it’s not MIT, but it’s a start. I can feel the tide changing, Celia. I’m finally on the right track.”

  We clasp hands and splash our feet, and enjoy a few moments of silence. I see a few fish bubbling up to the surface. I jump up and dig through Cain’s ice chest, returning with a few sandwiches in hand. I tear open the wrappers and drop tiny bits of bread into the water. The fish waste no time gobbling them up.

  “Hmmm,” Lucas says with a grin. “Cain won’t be happy with you for feeding them. Fish with full bellies are much harder to catch.”

  “Ah, he’ll forgive me,” I giggle, as I sprinkle more bread into the water.

  Lucas nods. “I think he’ll forgive you for just about anything. You know he loves you…”

  His last words come out softer, heavily weighted with years of denial. We’ve spent ages turning a blind eye to the changes in our relationship, and Cain serves as a bright, shining beacon, demanding to be seen.

  “Yes, I know,” I admit, looking him straight in the eyes.

  “And you love him, too?” He doesn’t look hurt, only hopeful. That alone speaks volumes about the man he is—he’s hopeful for me, even if my happiness isn’t with him.

  “Yes. Very much,” I whisper. He deserves my complete honesty. I love him enough to tell him the truth.

  He holds my face with both hands and swipes his thumbs through the tears running down my cheeks. He smiles his gentle smile. “No tears today, okay?”

  I lower my head and nod. “Okay.”

  “You know, there’s one thing left for you and I to talk about.” He squeezes my neck to get my attention, and I look up to meet his eyes. “I’m afraid I have to break up with you, Celia.”

  I shut my eyes and turn away from the ache. Who would have thought those simple words could hurt so badly?

  “Hey, hey, don’t you start crying on me again,” he says with a gentle shake of my shoulders. “You and I both know that part of our relationship died years ago. We just never said the words. I’m saying them now, and I want you to move on with your life without all this guilt. I want you to be able to love Cain without feeling like I’m an albatross slung across your back. I never meant to be your burden, Celia.”

  “But I feel so torn, Lucas,” I cry. “How do I leave you?”

  “You don’t. You’re still my best friend … my family. Cain doesn’t strike me as a man who would ever ask you to turn your back on your family.” He shakes his head and smiles.

  I think about the type of man I know Cain to be, and without a doubt, Lucas is right. He let me keep his family even when I carelessly threw him away. He’d never make me give up my own. Seeing him with Audrey and Lucas today, it seems as if he’s already adopted them, his heart is just that big.

  “I know you’re right. He’d never ask that of me.”

  “See, you can’t get rid of me that easy,” he says with a laugh.

  I rest my head on his shoulder and watch him feed the fish. “I’d never want to,” I whisper.

  “You know, there’s someone out there for me, too, Cece. It just isn’t you—and that’s okay.”

  He tears open the next sandwich, rips it in half, and hands me a piece. I take my half from him, and raise it in the air. “Here’s to first loves and last loves.”

  He raises his sandwich. “Here’s to breaking up.”

  We knock them together before taking a bite. “Here’s to breaking up!” I laugh and chew at the same time.

  Cain gives Lucas a firm handshake and slaps his back. “It was good to see you, man. Same time next week?”

  “I tell you what, it’s good to be seen,” Lucas replies with a huge grin. He looks my way and winks. “Next week it is. Take care of our girl, all right?”

  “You
know I will,” Cain replies, without an ounce of malice. They each love me in a completely different way, and I’m grateful Cain can recognize the difference.

  Lucas and I embrace one last time, and even Audrey and me give each other a small hug. I can see the ice melting slowly on our relationship, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s been a rough few months without my best girlfriend.

  Cain and I stand side by side as Audrey drives away, and I reach down and lace our fingers together. He gives me a squeeze, and I curl into his side.

  “I’m not ready to go yet,” I whisper as I watch the car drive off into the horizon.

  “We can stay as long as you like, darlin’. It’ll be you, me, and the lightning bugs.”

  The night settles around us, and Cain leads me to the back of the truck and pulls down the tailgate. I hop up into the truck bed, legs dangling below me. I kick my sandals onto the grass and let the evening air cool my feet.

  I nibble on my bottom lip, trying to keep the smile from curving on my traitorous lips. His hungry eyes devour me, only stopping when his gaze reaches my sparkly pink toenails. His hand wraps around the arch of my foot and runs slowly up the inside of my calf as he hitches my leg on his hip.

  “Wait, I think we should—”

  “Shh, not yet. I need to just…” Cain answers with a shake of his head. He reaches up and runs the tips of his fingers through my hair and around my ear. He traces down my cheek, neck, collarbone, and then finally reaches the center of my chest. He pushes the flat of his palm over my heart and exhales long and deep. He leans in close and runs his nose across my cheekbone. His lashes flutter closed, tickling my face. When he opens them again, the corner of his mouth lifts into a half smile, half smirk.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I whisper back. I watch his every move with flushed cheeks and an overflowing heart, praying for him to close the distance between our lips.