Blackness Within (The Blackness Series Book 5)

by Norma Jeanne Karlsson

  “It’s gonna be an awesome day,” I drone sarcastically.

  “And an expensive one.” He throws back two fingers like a pro and pours us each another.

  We throw those back and continue to in silence until half the bottle’s gone and I have a warm buzz working.

  “You wanna tell me what we’re drainin’ this bottle for?”

  “Got friend zoned today,” I huff while pouring more shots.

  Kav looks at me with wide round blue-grey eyes for a long moment before tipping his head back and laughing.

  “Dick,” I mumble over the edge of my tumbler before gulping down the amber liquid currently anesthetizing my emotions.

  Kav wipes away his tears of joy at my failure and then climbs to his feet.

  “This day fuckin’ rocks,” Kav announces.

  “I’m glad to entertain you,” I snark with a slight slur.

  “Dude, what the fuck did you expect her to do?” he asks as he retakes his stool with a fresh bottle of whiskey in his large mitt. “She’s held captive for months by some crazy motherfucker that makes her do all kinds of fucked up shit. You really think she’s just gonna jump on your junk and forget everything? Your dick is not a magic pogo stick.”

  I snort, but I don’t respond so he keeps going.

  “Now my dick on the other hand, is a magic wand. You want me to work a spell on your girl, say the word.”

  “Have I told you you’re an asshole lately?”

  “Not since this morning.”

  “You’re an asshole, Kav.”

  “Thanks, man,” he responds with his hand on his heart as though I’ve genuinely touched him.

  “Kieran still pissed at you?”

  “Yup,” I reply with a slurred p pop.

  “I know you’re number one on Kid’s shit list. Your dad and your brothers aren’t your biggest fans and I think Cooper wants to go old school on your ass.”

  “Don’t forget the Cooper brothers,” I continue the list with a sardonic chuff.

  Needless to say, when everyone found out what happened the night of the fire, I became enemy number one. When everyone found out Cara was involved, shit got even more heightened. So the woman I’ve been pining for wants to be my friend and my family wants to beat my ass. It’s been a fun few days around here.

  “Hey, I could kick your ass and just do you a favor,” Kav suggests seriously.

  “You couldn’t kick my ass if you tried, pussy,” I scoff.

  “Whatever.”

  He knows it’s true. We’ve gone at it a few times over the decades. I always win. I’m faster than he is. Even shit-faced, I can best him and he knows it. I feel a cocky smile ghost across my face.

  “Kieran can beat your ass,” he grumbles the truth. Kieran can kick anyone’s ass.

  “I’m sure he’ll try that in the coming days.”

  “You scared the shit outta him and everyone else, O’Sullivan. Some of us get it and the rest don’t know what the fuck to do. I say gettin’ drunk with you is better than plotting your untimely death.”

  “Cheers,” I say through a half smile at my new reality.

  We clink glasses and dive back into silence. I wish my brain would shut off. It won’t. I can’t sleep. I’m barely eating. I feel guilty. I feel worthless. I just don’t want to feel any more.

  All I can see when I close my eyes is that fucking door. Natasha locked behind it and no way to get through. Cara ran out of bullets putting down the few men that came after us before the fire department showed up. She couldn’t shoot out the lock and Blake and I couldn’t budge the damn thing.

  It’s Blake’s screams that haunt me the most. He was pleading for his sister to come back, knowing he’d probably just lost her forever. His grey eyes were destroyed and his voice was raw and jagged as he begged.

  There was a commotion at the back of the building while Natasha was trapped inside. Butch was beating a man into mush with his fists. I couldn’t leave the door to stop him and when I realized what he was doing, I had no urge to stop his assault. He found the man that stole his life from him and was stealing his in return.

  Cara approached Butch carefully when his swings began to slow and curled her fingers around his shoulder. He dropped his head to his chest for a few moments before climbing to his feet. When he turned his eyes to mine, I saw the relief he had been seeking.

  He offered Cara a small smile but didn’t touch her in his blood-soaked state before he hefted the body over his shoulder and shoved it through a burning window. Then he jogged to my side.

  “What’re you doin’ here?” he asked in heaved breaths

  “Natasha’s inside,” I informed him as I kicked and punched the metal door.

  His features blanched and he moved in to help me. That’s when the door unlocked and Blake ripped his sister from the crashing fire-engulfed building. The air whooshed from my lungs and we ran. I can’t describe what I felt in those moments, but it was so big it encapsulated every cell in my body with warmth.

  We lost the baby. Roman’s baby that he tore from Natasha’s arms. I carry that guilt and misery. Vojtech’s death and the fire have been plastered on every news station from local to national. The DCA took over and began dismantling the remaining pieces of the Vojtech Bratva. They have a lot of work ahead of them to bring the entire organization down. But with Roman Vojtech gone, it makes the job easier.

  “I’m drunk,” Kav says to no one and I chuckle. “Where do you go to get laid at five thirty on a Saturday?”

  “Grocery store?”

  “You think a cab’ll take us to the grocery store?”

  “You wanna take a cab to the grocery store to get laid?” I ask through a wry smile.

  “I’m non-discriminate in my pussy,” he pronounces, wobbling to his feet.

  Kellerman strides in the room with a giant grin on his face.

  “Afternoon snack?” he asks, nodding toward our two almost empty bottles.

  “Bein’ a good wingman,” Kav gives a slurred explanation. “Wanna go scope pussy at the grocery store?”

  “I’ll pass,” Kellerman says through a snort. “I’ll give you a lift though.”

  “Fuck yeah!” Kav hoots and then stumbles.

  “You’re gonna get arrested for bein’ drunk in public,” I inform him.

  “I can fake sober.” He falls against the bar before deciding. “Maybe I’ll sleep it off a bit and then go out on the prowl.”

  “Good plan, genius,” I snark as he weaves and winds to the stairs before crawling up them like a toddler on all fours.

  Kellerman slides his massive frame onto the stool Kav just vacated.

  “It won’t help, man,” he says softly. “I promise you there’s nothing that’ll make this shit better.”

  “Thanks,” I grumble.

  “I almost lost Kid. I know what this is like and nothing I did made that shit better. I needed her. She was the only answer.”

  “Well, I just got the ‘Can we be friends’ talk, so I’m not gonna get what you got.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. You owe Natasha your friendship. You treated her like shit, man. She doesn’t remember you comin’ to the hospital. What’s she supposed to do? She doesn’t know that you’ve turned into a monk. You’re still the three times a week guy,” he explains gruffly.

  “It’s not just her. I fucked up, Kellerman.”

  “I fucked up too, man. It’s what we do when we’re fightin’ for what we want. You keep fightin’ until there’s nothin’ to fight for. You’re good at that.”

  I watch him out of the corner of my eye and consider his words for a moment. Why the fuck would I give up now? She’s safe and she’s here. I can be her friend, help her get back on her feet. My family will forgive me. I know they will. It’s just going to take a little time and I have that to give them.

  I’m a fighter at the end of the day. I’ll keep fighting until I’m beat. I never lose so that’s never going to happen.

  “Than
ks, man,” I say kindly and wrap an arm around his shoulders.

  “I’m not in the mood. Maybe later,” he snarks and we both chuckle.

  I slap his back a few times as I climb to my feet before lumbering to my wing. I do it with a lot more grace than Kav did, but using the wall to walk is still a sad sight. I collapse face first into my mattress and welcome the fast sleep that finds me. It’s going to be okay.

  Natasha

  “They burned it?” I whisper to Blake.

  “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Tosh,” he apologizes for the hundredth time.

  Now that I’m up and out of bed, I asked Blake if he could take me to my house. Apparently, when Roman was originally looking for me they burned my house to the ground. I really have nothing left. That man took everything from me and I’m going to have to rebuild from scratch.

  “It’s over now,” I murmur into my mug of tea.

  “It’s all my fault. I almost lost you. You’ve lost everything. Why don’t you hate me?”

  “Because I love you.”

  “I don’t deserve it, Tosh.”

  “Yes, you do. I spent months with Roman because I love you. Don’t tell me that wasn’t worth my time. You matter to me. You’re all I’ve got left.”

  He leans across his small dining table and interlaces his fingers with mine. His broad shoulders are supported on a chiseled frame. His lion’s mane is growing out from a short buzz cut. His scars are fading and my brother that always took care of me is back and better than ever.

  “You gotta call mom. I’ve been puttin’ her off this whole time. She thinks you’re workin’ a lot. It’s a good thing she’s got a new man because she’s been distracted,” he huffs disapprovingly.

  “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

  “Wanna watch a movie? Quit thinkin’ about depressing shit for a while?”

  “Yeah,” I reply softly, knowing the depressing shit will still be there while I watch a movie.

  I take in Blake’s apartment and feel a spark of pride at the changes my brother’s made. He’s working as a welder again. He has a two-bedroom apartment in a good part of town that’s paid for on time each month. His furniture is basic but clean and functional. He has a life he can build on, a future ahead of him.

  In this moment, it makes me realize my time with Roman wasn’t for nothing. I may have to rebuild my life from the ashes the dragon left behind, but I have that life to rebuild and so does Blake.

  I snuggle into my brother’s strong arms and absorb the comfort I’ve missed from him for over a decade. Zeus gets in on the action too and I feel whole for a few breaths. I can work my way back to the person I was. I can regain my strength, my power. With love and support, I can be Natasha Reynolds once again.

  June

  “Can you get the door?” Blake shouts into my room.

  I hop off my bed, making my way to the door where I grab Zeus as he barks and snarls at the door.

  I pull it open with a small smile on my lips at the men standing on the other side.

  “What’s up, you badass motherfucker?” Kav greets Zeus. My dog knows these men well enough he immediately stops his alert and moves in for a good pet.

  “Hey, you,” Kav murmurs into my hair after wrapping me in a crushing hug.

  Finn pulls me away from Kav and squeezes me even tighter, causing me to snicker. He kisses my hair before passing me to Sully. His chocolate gaze is unsure as he pushes the door shut and pats Zeus a few times.

  “How’re you doin’, Grey?” he asks kindly, moving in for a side hug.

  It feels as awkward as it sounds. Friendship with Sully is going to be awkward at first, so I need to get used to it.

  “I’m okay,” I reply honestly, as I uncurl from his grasp and head into the living room.

  The doorbell rings as soon as I sit on the couch and Zeus is immediately lunging and growling.

  “Pizza’s here!” Blake announces loudly, striding to the door.

  “Easy,” I command Zeus and he obeys.

  My brother pays for five pizzas and then drops them on the kitchen counter.

  “Ready to eat?” he asks the room but focuses on me.

  The last two weeks I haven’t been much of an eater and it’s driving him nuts.

  “Come on, Tosh. I bet you can eat more than me,” Kav teases, pushing me toward the kitchen.

  I roll my eyes at him as I go where he directs.

  This is the first time Blake and I have had company since I got here. I’ve been recovering while Blake’s been working. Dealing with my insurance and lapsed nursing license has been a bitch to fix.

  When Blake asked if it was cool for the guys to come over, I wanted to say no. But I realized that was selfish before I answered. Blake’s made friends with them and he deserves to have time with his friends. I need to see people too. It was hard enough to be alone like I was with Roman; I don’t need to exile myself any further now that I have the power. I want to be social. I just need to remember how to do it.

  “Beer?” Finn asks, pulling a few from the fridge.

  “I’m good with iced tea.”

  “You need to drink some beer and gain some damn weight back. You’re wastin’ away,” Kav says around the rim of his bottle before chugging the majority of it down.

  “You partial to my fat ass?” I snark and feel my cheeks fill with color instantly.

  Kav coughs beer a few feet in front of him causing the rest of the room to erupt. My nervousness dissolves into my own tiny chuckles as I remind myself I’m not with Roman anymore. I can joke and laugh without worry of punishment.

  “I’m partial to every part of you, Tosh,” Kav returns with an eyebrow wiggle.

  “I kinda like my new look,” I lie. I miss my curves. Who would have thought that? I have a body now that would take me years of work to get and I want back my extra padding. I actually miss my pooch.

  “You look great, honey,” Finn assures me.

  His bright blue eyes dance with true appreciation. I know it’s not appreciation for how I look though. It’s appreciation for my safe return. I rest my head on his broad chest and take a bite of overly greasy pizza.

  Finn clears his throat and moves slightly away from me just as Blake snags me around the waist and hoists me above his head. I squeal and wiggle, trying to escape his tickling assault.

  “Stop!” I screech as Zeus starts to bark and jump to retrieve me.

  Blake rights my feet on the ground and bounces around in front of Zeus a little before settling down. I’m placed right in front of Sully and he has a kind smile tattooed on his perfect mouth. I want to kiss him so badly. I want to feel him on me from head to toe. I want him to make me forget every moment I had with Roman. I asked Sully to just be my friend and that was the right move, but right now, I want to feel him.

  So, I move to him. He’s sitting on a stool with one foot on the floor, his legs spread wide. He’s wearing a black T-shirt that’s stretched tautly across his broad shoulders, paired with loose baggy camel-colored cargo shorts and leather flip-flops. He looks comfortable and about ten years younger than he actually is. Inviting.

  I stop between his legs and lower my head to his shoulder. Fuck, that feels good, as his arms engulf my frame.

  “Hi, Sully,” I whisper.

  “Hey, Grey,” he murmurs into my hair before pressing his lips to the same spot. “Let’s feed you.”

  He arranges me so that my back is flush with his sculpted torso and grabs my slice of pizza that I dropped as Blake attacked me. Sully holds the slice in front of my mouth and I take a bite as a smile crests my lips. I can do this. I can live with this much of Sully. He’s still the man that ran me off, but he’s also that man that rescued me. I can be his friend. I want to be his friend.

  “You wanna come out with us tonight?” Kav asks around a full cheek of pizza.

  “Where are you goin’?”

  “Flannigan’s.”

  Flannigan’s is an Irish pub in Westport. I know the guys spend a l
ot of time there. It’s their spot. I want to be social and that seems like a good place to start out. It’s low-key and I know this whole crew of hulking men will be with me. I find comfort in that.

  “I’m game,” I respond to the shock of the room.

  “Fuck yeah!” Kav bellows.

  “Is he always this excitable?” I ask Sully as I laugh at the big man dancing around the kitchen, thrusting his hips perversely.

  “Unfortunately,” Sully grumbles not meaning it.

  “You get me excited, Tosh. Come feel it,” Kav insists, shoving his pelvis in my direction.

  I stretch my hand in his direction just to mess with him as Sully clamps down on me and Blake steps between us.

  “Stay away from my sister with that weapon,” Blake jokes.

  Sully doesn’t say anything, but I feel a rumble in his chest.

  “That’s a lot of cock blocking in one room,” Kav points out with a smirk at me over Blake’s shoulder.

  “Your cock needs a lot of blocking,” Finn says through a wide grin.

  “You just like thinkin’ about my junk. You wanna see it to refresh your memory?” Kav starts to unzip his cargo shorts.

  “I just saw your Twizzler this morning. I’ll pass on repeating that trauma.”

  “Aren’t Twizzlers your favorite, Finn? You tellin’ me you want some of this? I’ve got a list workin’, but you can be added.”

  “If it’s a list of people that get to beat your ass in the near future, I’d like a spot at the top please.”

  “So it’s my ass you want. That’s a different list all together. I’ll see what I can do.” With that, Kav pops another half slice of pizza in his mouth and chugs some beer back with it. He’s like every terrible college movie bad boy come to life. I love it.

  “You should cover your ears when he talks. You’ll get brain damage,” Sully mutters in my ear.

  His grip around my waist hasn’t lessened. I pat his forearms a couple times and tip my head to the side to offer him a big smile. I could get used to this life. This is a full life. This is a life I could be proud to be a part of. This is a life I want to be a part of.

  O’Sullivan