by Ali Parker
After my parents had picked me up from the airport, we had come home. My mom had taken off from the restaurant even though Fridays were the busiest over dinner time. She had cooked me pasta with pesto sauce, and we had spent time watching movies and eating chips like we used to when I was still a teenager in the house. My mom hadn’t asked about the kidnapping at all, other than if I was safe and if I had any other medical issues besides the cut on my face.
I had been terrified to come back home to a ton of questions, but my family seemed to understand what I needed.
I rolled over in bed and stretched. It was hard to think that just a few days ago I had been in that basement, stiff and cold and hungry. So much had happened in the last few weeks it felt like a lifetime ago.
When I thought about sitting on that cold concrete floor again, I shivered. It had been torture.
My period suddenly came to mind. I had been panicked about it starting, then. And about how bad the flow would be because of the cold. In fact, it should have started while I was there. I doubted the stress and trauma would have affected me so quickly.
Which meant I was late.
My stomach tightened, and fear washed through me of a different kind. My period couldn’t be late, could it? Maybe I’d worked it out wrong. I counted the days, working backward. And it was accurate. I was late. But there was no way I could be pregnant, right? Ben had used condoms every time. And as far as I knew, they hadn’t broken. Although, I wouldn’t know about that. And because I had been a virgin before Ben, I hadn’t made an effort to be on another form of birth control.
In hindsight, I felt like an idiot. But it had been on and off with Ben so many times I had never thought we would do it more than once.
Shit.
But it could be trauma. It could be stress. There were so many reasons right now why my period would be late. I didn’t have to panic, right?
It only made me panic more.
“Morning, sweetie,” my mom said when I walked to the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you be at the restaurant?”
My mom nodded. “I’m leaving soon. I just wanted to be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m okay,” I said with a smile. Except that my period hadn’t started. And I was low-key freaking out. Which made my head throb again because of the concussion that hadn’t faded completely yet. But I was okay.
“I’m glad.” My mom came to me and gave me a hug. “There’s food in the fridge for you if you get hungry.”
My mom left, and I kept a smile on my face until I heard her car pull out of the driveway. When I knew I was totally alone, I dropped my head into my hands. I had to get to the store to buy a pregnancy test. The moment I knew I wasn’t pregnant – which I couldn’t be – I could relax and figure out what to do about it. With all this stress and panic, I wasn’t going to be able to think clearly.
I walked back to my room and opened the bag I had brought with me from New York. I retrieved a set of clothes Ben had bought me. When I pressed the soft material to my nose, I smelled a combination of his cologne and the penthouse we had stayed in. Memories flooded back, and I wished I could be back there. With him.
I had been in a bubble with him, removed from reality. But it hadn’t been real, and that bubble had burst. I had to face the music, now.
After I showered and dressed, I left the house. My parents’ cars were both gone. Mine was still… where was it? At the hospital? So I took a cab into town where I bought pregnancy tests. Three different brands, just to be sure.
When I returned home, I took the tests out of the bag and laid them out on the counter in the bathroom. I took a deep breath and peed on the first one. When I put the cap back on and pulled up my pants, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had a hell of a headache. This was such bullshit. I didn’t need this after everything else I had been through.
After I waited for the allocated time, I checked the pregnancy test. My heart beat in my throat. Please be negative, I willed.
I looked at the tiny screen. My head swam, my headache ramping up to a new level.
Positive.
What. The. Fuck.
I drank a whole bottle of water and peed on the second stick when I was able. It was positive, too. Two for two, this looked bad. But it could be a faulty test, right? Two tests, different brands, both faulty? Absolutely.
When the third test was positive, too, I wasn’t just sick to my stomach. I turned around and wretched into the toilet bowl. I threw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. When I sat back, my stomach didn’t feel any better. How could I be pregnant? What was I going to do? How was it possible that things had gone so wrong for me lately? It was just one thing after the other.
But unlike being saved from the basement when I had been kidnapped, no one could charge in and save me from this. Being pregnant was a whole different story.
There was no hero in this one. Only me, the damsel in distress. And I was in so much shit.
When my phone rang, I jumped. I was still sitting on the bath mat on the floor, tears running down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure if it was only my eyes watering from throwing up or if I was really crying. Either way, it felt like my world was ending.
“I heard you were back in town,” Skylar said in a joking tone. She was trying to keep things light for my sake. How sweet of her.
“Yeah,” I said in a husky voice.
Skylar’s voice was serious immediately.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m not,” I said. Tears were already rolling down my cheeks again. This was too much for me. I had been strong until now, able to handle it all. But being pregnant on top of everything else that was fucked up in my life was too much.
“Do you want me to come over?”
I agreed, and we ended the call. Skylar was there in no time at all, knocking on my parents’ front door. When I opened the door, Skylar looked worried. She hugged me.
“This is all so horrible,” she said. “I can’t believe this happened to you.”
“It’s not the half of it,” I said. I wasn’t crying anymore, I had dried my tears and swallowed my panic. But it was close by. “I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for coming.”
“Of course,” Skylar said, coming in and closing the door behind her. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was worried sick.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.
Skylar froze, staring at me. “What?”
“I took a test. My period was late. I’m pregnant.”
Skylar shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
I sighed and sank down onto the couch behind me. “I don’t, either. He used a condom. It’s all happening at the same time. First Ben, then the kidnapping, and now this.”
“When did you find out?” Skylar asked.
“Like, an hour ago. I went to the store this morning to pick up tests. When they kidnapped me, I was scared I would start while they had me. After that, I forgot about it.”
Skylar kept shaking her head. She looked incredulous. I started crying again which was exactly what I hadn’t wanted to do. I walked to the bedroom without saying anything. Skylar followed me.
“Look,” I said and showed her all three tests.
“Oh, my God,” Skylar said. It finally sank in. She was as shocked as I was.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said. I walked to my bed and collapsed on the unmade covers. “How could this have happened?”
Skylar came to sit with me.
“He’s leaving for New York again on Monday,” I said.
“Ben? He’s here?”
I nodded. “He came back when I did. But not for long. Just to say hi to everyone, or something.” I pressed my hand against my forehead. I knew Skylar knew what had happened with Ben coming to my rescue and me staying with him for a few days. My mom would have shared it with her. We were a close community out here in the vast city of Portland as if it was a small town. At least, between the handful of us that were so close.
> “I don’t understand what his story is,” Skylar said.
I thought about what he’d told me about his father and the mafia, about how he’d been picking up pieces he hadn’t even known existed until now. I understood that things had to be hard for him, but there was only so much he was forced to do now that he knew before it was all down to choices again.
And I knew what choice he’d made. He had chosen, yet again, a life where he was removed from everyone here.
“You have to tell him,” Skylar said.
“I can’t do that.” I sat up. “There’s too much going on.”
“Other than you being pregnant? I’m sure it can wait.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. I’d been kidnapped because of this shit, for crying out loud.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “It’s not like he’s going to decide he wants to be with me, now. Being pregnant won’t change anything.”
“How do you know?”
“Having a family didn’t change anything for his father.”
That had been unfair of me. I knew it. Ben wasn’t his father, and it wasn’t right of me to assume that he was, not after everything I had found out about the kind of man Mr. Atwood had been. But I couldn’t help but think about how Ben kept leaving me to run back to New York. About how it was easy for him to leave his life here behind, just as his father had done.
He had the money, didn’t he? How hard was it to fix everything and then that would be the end of it? But Ben wanted more. He wanted the company, to carry on his father’s legacy. It was a choice. And he had made it.
That choice didn’t include me.
“So, what are you going to do? Raise the baby alone? What about your career?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t thought that far. I haven’t thought about anything at all, other than that this isn’t fair. None of it.”
I buried my face in my hands. “How did this happen?”
It wasn’t the first time I’d asked this question. Skylar moved so that she sat closer to me.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this,” she said. “I wish I could help in some way. I can’t imagine how hard all of this is. I think what you should do is take some time just to wrap your mind around everything. Once you calm down and get used to the idea of what’s going on, you’ll know what you want.”
I sighed and nodded. Skylar’s advice was always very good, and she meant it from the bottom of her heart. But sometimes, it just wasn’t that simple.
Chapter 55
Ben
After Mila was safe with her parents at the airport on Friday, they all left. I felt like Mila was being ripped away from me when they took her home. I’d had her with me since the moment I had rescued her, and she had been in my care. It had been my mission to keep her safe.
With her walking away from me, I was harshly reminded again that Mila wasn’t mine. It didn’t matter that I’d looked after her, saved her, cared for her. I had also pushed her away, and that was where we stood.
But she was home safe with her parents, and safe was all I had wanted her to be. It was why I had done all of this in the first place.
So, after they’d left, I had booked a rental car and had driven to my mom’s place. When she had opened the door to find me standing there, she had been ecstatic, throwing her arms around me and hugging me like I was the prodigal son returned.
“Every time you leave, you end up back on my doorstep,” she’d said. I had smiled and let her fuss over me the way I knew she wanted to.
I had stayed in the office that used to be my bedroom again, on the same makeshift bed as before. It was strange that such a small thing could mean so much to me. I had a big mansion in New York, a penthouse that I was yet to get rid of, and yet a makeshift bed and an office meant more to me than that.
On Sunday morning, my mom was in the kitchen making pancakes. Paul had gone to play golf with his buddies so it was just the two of us.
“You can pour yourself a coffee,” my mom said when I walked into the kitchen.
I did as she suggested, pouring a cup for her too and putting it next to the stove.
“You’re a sweetheart,” she said.
I sat down and watched her pour batter into the pan, waiting for it to brown and flip it over.
“What’s on your mind, Ben?” my mom asked, turning around.
“Who says there’s something on my mind?”
“I’m your mother. You can’t hide it from me. You never watch me cook unless you have something on your mind.”
I shook my head. My mom knew me too well. But it was her job.
“I feel guilty,” I said.
“About what?”
“Mila.”
No doubt, my mom had heard about what had happened. Miranda and my mom were very close, and she would have been included in the drama from the moment something had gone wrong.
“Don’t feel guilty, Ben. There are a lot of bad people in the world. You’re not one of them.”
Her statement was so simple, and yet it made me feel better.
“I have to go back, soon,” I said.
“Yeah, you mentioned that. But can I be honest?” My mom turned and looked at me over her shoulder, her hand still on the handle.
“Please. I would love some guidance right now.”
My mom chuckled. “I don’t know about guidance, but I can give you an opinion. Why don’t you stay here for a little longer?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want any more trouble. It’s because I was here in the first place that everything went wrong for Mila. They found her because of me.”
“And they nearly killed her. And probably you, too. If they’d succeeded. Do you really want to run back to that?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I feel like when I leave to protect you guys, someone gets hurt. But if I stay? Won’t it be so much worse?”
“I think you need to do what your heart tells you,” my mom said. “The same way your heart told you to go after the girl you love.”
I narrowed my eyes at my mom. “We’re not together anymore.”
“So?” she asked. “You don’t have to date someone to love them.”
She was right, of course.
“It’s all over your face when you talk about her, Bennie. This is not just a silly little crush. You look at her in a way that your father once looked at me, and it’s beautiful. She looked at you the same way.”
I shook my head. “Whatever it is, it’s over.”
“Don’t throw it away so quickly,” my mom said. “A connection like you have with Mila is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. You don’t just find someone like that. It’s very rare to find a true soulmate, and I think that’s what you have with Mila. You can’t just throw it away.”
I groaned. I had hoped my mom would give me some sage advice, talk sense into me before I headed back to New York and took care of business. Instead, she told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. I was more confused now than before.
Because the truth was I was madly in love with Mila. And I knew that our connection was special. When I was with her, I felt like I was home. Even when I was in New York. And when I didn’t have her in my life, I felt untethered, a boat lost at sea. If I could choose, I would be with Mila for the rest of my life because, with her, life was more colorful. Everyday activities became an event, and I knew what it meant to be truly happy
But I couldn't be with her. Everything in my life was too complicated. I didn’t want her to be in danger because of me. Again. And what about Jerrod? We weren’t talking anymore because of my feelings for Mila, but even if I decided that we were meant to be and I would stick to her side for the rest of my life, it wouldn’t change that I had already lost my best friend.
No matter what, I couldn’t see how this could work out.
My mom finished the pancakes and put the plate down on the kitchen table. She took a seat before we dished up, each of us taking pancakes and adding syrup
to them. I bit into it, tasting the heavenly flavor.
After breakfast, I decided to head out. I had to get out of the house. My thoughts were driving me crazy, and I had no idea what to do about them.
I drove to the fire station. One of the fire engines was missing, and the only person around was the lieutenant, Ted.
“Where are the guys?” I asked. When there was an emergency, Ted was usually with them.
“They’re at a training course today,” Ted said. He opened the fridge and offered me a soda. I took it from him, and we each cracked open our bottles. “How are you doing?”
“I’m doing okay,” I said. “Working hard, but that’s life.”
“Are you ready to come back to work?” Ted asked.
I chuckled. “I wish.”
It had been my dream since I could remember to be a firefighter. It was still what I would have wanted to do with my life, but I had pushed that dream away after Uncle Dean had died. I had tried the firefighter thing for a while, but my life in New York had called me back. Maybe it was just not meant to be.
“You’re a damn good firefighter, Ben,” Ted said. “We miss you on the team.”
“I miss being on the team,” I said being truthful.
“If you ever want to come back, know we have a space for you. I don’t care how many employees we have – your position is there if you want it.”
I grinned. “Thanks, Ted. It means a lot. I wasn’t here for very long, but you guys made me feel like I was with family.”
“That’s the only way to do it,” Ted said. “You can’t save lives if you don’t care for them, and we’re a team that cares.”
He was right about that. They cared more than anyone I had ever seen. It was great to know that they would have a job for me if I ever decided to come back to work here, but I doubted that was going to happen. No matter how much I wanted it. I had no idea how to take care of business back in New York. Brantley had been subdued, but I knew that the debt owed wasn’t going to go away. I was more adamant to stay hands-on in New York now that Mila had nearly gotten killed. I had to stay on top of things. Even when the company, the legacy my dad had left behind and the work I had done for so many years with Uncle Dean, wasn’t nearly what I had thought it was.