Fashionably Dead in Diapers

by Robyn Peterman

  "We will go and get him back." I stood up and grabbed my mate's hand. "And we will kill every motherfucker that tries to stop us. Deal?"

  Ethan looked at me. His love for me and Samuel was fierce and his pain radiated off of him in waves. "Yes, my love…it's a deal."

  "I'll take you," The Kev said. "We will leave at nightfall. Call on the rest of the True Immortals. I'm calling in some favors. Get them here within the hour."

  "Done," I said.

  Half of my heart was gone, but focusing on a task was the only way I was going to survive. Moment to moment was how I would roll. My son needed me and I was going to bring him home…or die trying.

  Chapter 7

  Just remember the Fairies from fairytales are nothing like the real thing. In fact, it is recommended that parents avoid stories with Fairies in them all together. They are very attractive, violent, selfish, reality TV obsessed freaks. They are nothing like Tinkerbell. We would not want to give our children the wrong idea…

  "You want me to go to Hell?" Gemma gasped as she stared daggers at The Kev.

  "Yes, I do," The Kev said cautiously.

  The mood in the ballroom was somber but the tension was thick. Ethan paced in agitation and The Kev backed slowly away from Gemma. Immortals of every variety peppered the room. Satan seemed to be the only one enjoying the ambience as he hummed a random tune. Everyone else sat silently and waited. As Gemma's ire mounted she began to shift to her dragon. Shit.

  "Gemma, Hell's actually really nice. Well, not the Basement, but the main floor rocks. It looks a lot like Kentucky and you can play poker with Mr. Rogers," I said, trying to calm her before she became the size of an SUV and kneed The Kev's balls into his throat.

  "You can stay in my bungalow," Dixie offered quickly. "It's much less creepy than the Dark Palace."

  "I take offense to that," a pouty Satan said.

  "Daddy, you know it's true. You have all kinds of shady Demons hanging out there, not to mention the soundtrack of Journey plays twenty-four seven," she said.

  "Journey is the greatest band ever," Satan yelled and began to glow—a very bad sign.

  Hells bells, we did not have time to witness a tantrum from the Devil over a band from the 1980s.

  "Yep, Steven Perry is the fucking bomb and The Dark Palace is fabu in a garish, overblown, ostentatious, gaudy and colorful way," I said, hoping to calm the impending shitstorm. My Uncle Satan smiled and stopped glowing. Thank you, Cousin Jesus in a thong.

  "She can come to Nirvana," Mother Nature offered grandly as her gossamer dress billowed around her, making her look like a deranged porcelain doll. "I can protect her. I'm wonderful at killing things."

  "No," The Kev said firmly. "The only place Fairies won't go is Hell. She will be safest in Hell. Satan, I will owe you a favor in exchange for protecting my Queen." The Kev dropped to a knee before a delighted Satan and a shocked crowd.

  "You really don't want to do that," Elijah, the Angel of Light, muttered as he watched The Kev in shock.

  "Shut up, Angel," Satan snarled. "I'd be delighted for the most powerful Fairy in the universe to owe me a favor. You have my word. I will keep your Queen safe."

  "And in return?" The Kev asked.

  Satan paused thoughtfully. As the wheels of his diabolical mind turned, it was difficult to look away. "I'll get back to you on that," he purred.

  The Kev was fucked, but he didn't seem to care one bit.

  The scene in the ballroom held the same characters from the day before—except for Samuel. The atmosphere was grim and the furniture was still. I would have given anything to have blue skin at the moment.

  "Who will go to Xanthia?" Hayden, the Angel of Death, asked.

  "Ethan, The Kev and myself," I answered immediately. I noticed his surprised glance to Satan who shrugged.

  "Darling," Mother Nature said, having also caught the exchanged look between the Devil and Angel of Death. "I think you should let Ethan and The Kev take care of this. You can stay with me and we'll torture your cousins, Lust, Greed and Envy. I have them in Nirvana for another six months."

  I knew my grandmother was nuts, but stupid? "While torturing some of the Seven Deadly Sins is enormously appealing, I fail to see why you would think even for a brief moment why I wouldn't go after my son."

  "Because if both of you die, the child will be an orphan," she explained. "Your grandfather and I don't transport together for that very reason."

  My cute squishy grandpa nodded in agreement. "Kings and queens travel separately as do presidents and vice-residents."

  "Well, that's lovely, but I'm fairly unkillable and I am going to get my son," I shot back. Were they insane? There was no way in Hell I wasn't going.

  "Assbag," Pam, my ever-profane guardian angel chimed in, "there are a few potential problems with that fucking scenario."

  "Care to enlighten me?" I snapped. Cryptic was not going to fly today.

  "Demons can't go to Xanthia," Satan huffed indignantly. "There's some kind of spell that keeps us out. Which, quite honestly, is completely unfair considering I'll let the bastards into Hell."

  "I do think that's rude," Mother Nature agreed. "Those Fairies think they're better than the rest of us. And yes, they are attractive, but I outshine all of them. That pisses The Corrine off." She giggled and tossed her shiny red locks seductively over her shoulder and adjusted her ample bosom.

  Her ego knew no bounds. However, she was correct. Her beauty was just silly.

  "What is The Corrine?" Dixie asked as she absently played with Samuel's baby blanket that I planned to take with me.

  Staring at the soft material made my stomach lurch. We needed to get back to business and get the Hell out of here. Every second away from my son was one too many.

  "She's a bitch," Mother Nature hissed. "She thinks she's in charge of Xanthia, but she is gravely mistaken. I could pole dance her sorry ass into the ground."

  "Okay, that's great and has absolutely nothing to do with anything we're talking about," I muttered. I was not about to get into a discussion on pole dancing. "Why can't Demons go to Xanthia?"

  "I would assume that's somewhat self explanatory, Assmunch," Pam said.

  "Whatever," I said. "I'm only half Demon and if they took Sammy then I can enter too."

  "Sammy is only a quarter Demon," The Kev said. "I have been in contact with a source in Xanthia. They are there and he is fine for now."

  "Martha and Jane?" I asked.

  "Fine, at the moment."

  "What else do you know?" I demanded. Forget about Gemma—I was about to knee his nuts into his esophagus.

  "Nothing," he said. "But the point is valid. I don't know what will happen if you cross over."

  "Here's the deal," I ground out through clenched teeth as a black glitter mist I couldn't control began to cover my arms and chest. Everyone backed away except for Ethan, who took my hand and stood beside me. "I am half Vampyre and half Demon. I'm a True Immortal and I'm very fucking hard to kill. As long as Mr. Rogers has the Sword of Death locked down tight, no one or no land can kill me. And if any one of you can tell me you would sit on your ass and wait while the Fairies had your child, I'll be happy to hear it now. Otherwise, I'd suggest that if anyone has any information that would be helpful spit it out. We are leaving at nightfall. Period." My hair was flying around my head and sparks of fury flew from my fingertips. It took all I had not to blow up the ballroom and most of the people in it.

  "That's my girl," Satan bellowed proudly. "Absolutely off her rocker."

  "I come by it naturally," I snapped. "Info?"

  "The Corrine is in charge. She is a Dark Fairy and a colossal ho-bag," Mother Nature said as she glanced over at Ethan and gave him the eyeball.

  I stiffened and pulled my hand from my mate. "Did you pop The Corrine?" I demanded. My gorgeous mate was substantially older and far more experienced, but I was not in the mood for this. "And why in the Hell is she called The Corrine?"

  "Any Fairy over two thousand ye
ars old takes The in front of their name. Clearly something I won't have to worry about since there is no way I'll live that long," Gemma said quietly.

  "Yes, you will. That's only one thousand nine hundred and seventy years away. If I have to live that long you're not going anywhere," I said as I turned to my mate. "Did you bang this Corrine?"

  "Um…" He looked incredibly uncomfortable and pulled me to the side of the room.

  "Oh my God," I hissed as I let him drag me away from all the interested ears. "Until me, you had shitty taste in women. When was this?"

  "Three hundred years ago when The Kev was training me. It was one time and it meant nothing," he said in a low tone meant only for me. However, we were in a room full of freaks who had supersonic hearing.

  "It may have meant nothing to you, but from what I hear The Corrine still hasn't gotten over it," Satan added unhelpfully.

  "Does she know she has Ethan's child?" I asked. Was there more to this than the Fairies wanting Gemma?

  "I don't know," The Kev said. "From what I hear she is more focused on destroying Gemma so she can continue her reign of terror over Xanthia."

  "So there are Dark Fairies," I said tightly as I walked away from Ethan. It was irrational that I was jealous of something he did hundreds of years ago, but reasonable behavior wasn't in my repertoire at the moment. "Are there Light Fairies?"

  "Yes," The Kev said. "I am Light and at one time thousands of years ago, The Corrine was Light too. Now all of the Light Fairies have been imprisoned and the Dark have taken over."

  "And that's why the skank wants Gemma dead," I concluded.

  "Yep, Assburger," Pam said. "I always said you were smart no matter what everyone said about you." Her grin made me smile even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. My heart was breaking and my mind was jumbled, but Pam was Pam and I loved her.

  "Anything else?" I asked as I took the baby blanket from Gemma and sniffed it.

  "Fairies likey reality TV," Baby Demon Abe shouted.

  "They do?"

  "Ohhhhhh yesssssss," Beyonce said. "Me hear they have altar with candles to Jersey Shore and Bad Icky Housewives."

  "For real?" I asked.

  "Yes." The Kev sighed. "Fairies are somewhat obsessed with reality television. Strange but true."

  "That's bizarre and probably not very useful." I rolled my eyes. "We need to get armed and leave."

  "No weapons," The Kev said as he morphed before our eyes from David Hasselhoff to his breathtaking Fairy form. "They won't work there and chances are your magic will work differently. Ethan, how did it affect your magic when you were there?"

  "It didn't," he said tightly.

  "It clearly didn't affect your weenie either," I muttered.

  "Weenie," Baby Demon Ross yelled. "Me have a weenie! You wanna see?"

  "No," everyone yelled.

  "Enough," Ethan said. "I don't like it, but Astrid will come with us. Elijah and Lucy will be back up. They have no Demon blood and can enter Xanthia if we need them."

  "We can go with you now," Lucy said. "I don't care if Elijah wants to go or not, but I'm willing."

  Elijah heaved a sigh and tried to get closer to Lucy. She was having none of it. "Lucy speaks for both of us. I would be honored to go and fight for Samuel."

  "I speak for myself, not for you," she hissed under her breath.

  "You've made that perfectly clear," he shot back.

  "The fewer the better," The Kev cut in and ended the bickering. "We are more likely to be undetected if we are only three."

  "Fine. Done," I said. "Thank you all for coming. We are going to get Samuel, Martha and Jane. I have no clue how long we will be gone, but we will succeed and we will be back."

  "I'm feeling a little emotional," Pam said as she trapped me in a bear hug that I was sure had crushed a rib. "You be careful, Asshead. If you die I will fish your ass out of Hell and kick it."

  "You think I'm going to Hell?" I asked as I unwedged myself and massaged my side.

  "Heaven. Hell. Whatever," she groused. "I'll kick your ass good. You hear me?"

  "I hear you." I grinned and glanced around the room. I had the most dysfunctional family imaginable, but they were mine and I loved them—even the Devil.

  I watched as The Kev went to Gemma and kissed her with a passion that made me look away. He then delivered a reluctant Gemma to my Uncle Satan and they disappeared in a blast of black glitter and smoke. Slowly everyone took their leave and it was just the three of us.

  "Astrid," Ethan said as his jaw worked and his hands clenched. "I'm worried about you going. I will not lose you."

  "Ethan, I'm worried about going, but it would take Hell freezing over to keep me here."

  He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. "Very well. Shall we?"

  The Kev nodded and I stepped forward.

  "Yes," I said with more confidence than I was feeling. "We shall."

  Chapter 8

  Trips with children require planning and creativity. Nothing ever goes as planned and one can never be too prepared. Remember to wear clothing that is comfortable and washable. You never know what horrible stains you will get on your attire.

  "We just walk over the bridge?" I asked, slightly shocked at how easy it looked.

  We had travelled through two portals and I was fine. I was still in possession of my power and I was still in one piece. The Kev and Ethan kept constant watch over me, which was beginning to drive me nuts. The bridge was quite simple. Covered in ivy and pale pink flowers, it resembled something from a child's storybook. It looked to be about a quarter of a mile long. A glittering silver stream ran beneath it and colorful flocks of birds flew low and close to the water.

  "It's beautiful," I said.

  "Looks are very deceiving," The Kev said ominously. "Say your name."

  "What?" I slapped my hands on my hips and gave him the eyeball.

  "Name. Say it," he insisted. The Kev had stayed in his Fairy form. It was getting easier to look at him, but I did kind of miss David Hasselhoff. His beauty still gave me a slight headache, but I could make eye contact for short periods of time.

  "My name is Astrid," I snapped.

  "Your mate?"

  I rolled my eyes. "My mate is Ethan. You are The Kev and a giant pain in my ass. We are going to Xanthia to get my son and two insane Vampyres back. I get to meet the skankass—The Corrine—who had sex with my man three hundred years ago. I plan to kill her so she doesn't come after Gemma, who is the True Queen of Xanthia. I will also take enormous pleasure in killing any fucking Fairy who tries to stop me from getting my son. Happy?"

  "No, but short of holding Sammy in my arms, nothing will make me happy," he said. "Drink this."

  The Kev produced two vials of an iridescent green liquid out of thin air and handed one to me and one to Ethan. I sniffed it and recoiled in disgust.

  "Number one, we're Vamps. We can't really drink anything but blood without yacking it back up, and number two, this smells like ass," I informed an amused The Kev.

  "You can drink it and I would highly suggest you do. It will make it possible for you to make eye contact with Fairies, which will confuse them as to what you are. It could buy us the time we need to get Sammy and the idiots back. Drink it."

  Ethan didn't look any happier than I did about swallowing green stuff that smelled like a baboon butt, but he did it and I followed.

  "Sweet baby Jesus in combat boots, that was fucking rank." I gagged and prayed I wouldn't throw it back up.

  "What in the Hell was that?" Ethan asked hoarsely as he tried to keep it down.

  "You really don't want to know," The Kev said as he took a rope and stake out of the pack he carried. He quickly pushed the stake into the ground and attached the rope in a knot so tight I was certain it would be there for eternity.

  "What are you doing?" I asked as I bit down on my lip and sucked back some of my own blood to get the foul taste out of my mouth. My brain was whirling with guesses as to what we had
just imbibed. Butt juice was at the top of my list, followed by a rancid prune juice mixed with formaldehyde.

  "We will hold the rope as we cross. The weather will change drastically and the winds will be strong. The rope will secure us and we'll be able to stay together."

  "Why can't we just fly or transport over?" I asked.

  "Because that would be too easy," Ethan said, still coughing from the green shit we drank. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple. You will walk between The Kev and me. Hold tight to the rope and we'll be fine."