The Secret Son

by Joan Kilby

  “I felt so bad, leaving you. You were too little to understand.”

  “And my mom still refused to leave Castlegar to be with you in Cherry Lake?” She’d never told him that, either. “It seems like she should have been willing if your dad was sick.”

  “By then we’d grown far apart. We didn’t fight, that wasn’t her way. The simple truth was, we’d made a huge mistake staying together and we both knew it. She didn’t offer to come with me and I stopped asking.”

  “I remember your visits got further and further apart.” Even though his mom was gone, his heart felt heavy for her, and for Robert. He could guess the next bit. “During one of your stints here you met up with Linda again.”

  “That’s right.” Robert shifted on his hard wooden seat. He rubbed his chest and grimaced.

  “Are you okay?” Alex asked.

  “Just a touch of heartburn. Must be the coffee.” Robert went on with his story. “Her family still lived here, of course. They owned some old tourist cabins on Swan Point, you know, where the park is in town. Six months after I came back, Linda also returned to Cherry Lake to renovate the cabins and turn them into a tourist resort.”

  “What happened when you ran into her?” Alex asked. “Was Will with her?”

  “He was,” Robert confirmed. “Six years old. It didn’t take me long to put two and two together.” Quietly he added, “Less time for Linda and I to realize we still loved each other.” Robert held up a hand, palm out. “I swear, I never wanted to hurt your mother.”

  As painful as this was to hear, Alex believed him.

  “Linda and I didn’t get back together right away. She was going back and forth to Boston, still working on and off for her old company. I was going up to Castlegar to see you and your mom every few months.”

  “You still hadn’t told any one about us?”

  “My parents knew. But my relationship with your mother was over. Linda and I were feeling our way, trying to make our lives mesh. I didn’t see any point in complicating things by telling her about Anya.”

  “What about me?” Alex’s hands tightened on the fishing rod. “Didn’t you think you should tell her about me?”

  “I should have.” Robert’s gaze was stark, his big knuckled hands twisting. “To my everlasting shame, I didn’t. Your mom wouldn’t let me take you out of Canada. So I kept quiet about you.”

  “How did you explain your trips to Castlegar?”

  “I told Linda I was going on a fishing trip.”

  His chest aching, Alex looked out over the water, slowly turning pink and gold with the rising sun. He understood why Robert had left his mother and married Linda but to regard his own son a shameful secret for thirty years was wrong. It hurt. “In all these years you never told Linda or your other children about me?”

  “The Jacksons are a prominent family in this community, pioneers. Your grandfather, Nate, is a proud man, with strong beliefs about right and wrong. The longer I kept the secret, the harder it became to tell the truth.”

  Alex felt inside his shirt pocket for the photograph and brought it out. “I got a serious case of deja vu when I arrived last Sunday and walked through the orchard. I remember my mom bringing me here but I don’t know why.”

  Robert’s mouth trembled and he put a hand over his jaw. “Anya didn’t have my Cherry Lake phone number. Those were the days before cell phones were in common use. When your mom decided to get married, she had to come here to tell me. I hustled her out to the orchard where no one could see you two. There, she informed me that she was getting married. Harry was going to adopt you and you would take his name. I could visit you but she wanted you to regard Harry as your father.”

  “Harry Chernoff was a good man and I loved him. But he wasn’t my father.” His voice turned gravelly. “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

  “If I could do it over again, I would never agree to give up any claim on you,” Robert said, hanging his head. “I should have been a better man. I loved you. You have no idea how hard it was for me to say goodbye to you. I’m sorry, son.”

  Alex’s jaw tightened. “You don’t get to call me son, not when you won’t acknowledge me openly. You can’t change the past. But you can admit the truth.”

  Robert winced. “I don’t want to hurt Linda—”

  “You mean you don’t want her to be angry that you kept a huge secret from her for decades.”

  Robert’s shoulders slumped, his face ashen. He looked like an old man. “It would be a huge shock to her and the kids.”

  I’m your child, too! Alex shut that inner voice down immediately. This whole trip was a mistake but no big deal. He didn’t care. “Fine. Whatever.”

  “I could come to Seattle to visit you.”

  “On a fishing trip?” Alex sneered.

  “Or not.” Grimacing, Robert massaged his left arm.

  So that was that. There would be no big happy family. Well, what had he expected? The birthday card hadn’t been reaching out to mend fences. It was a sop to Robert’s guilty conscience, a feeble attempt to right a past wrong but it paid lip service only. He’d never thought his father would turn out to be such a coward.

  “We should go back.” Robert kneeled on the seat to pull the motor’s starter cord. It didn’t catch. He pulled again. Nothing.

  Just then Alex felt a tug on his fishing line and the rod vibrated. He clutched it with both hands. “I think I got a fish. What do I do?”

  “Give the line a sharp tug. Then reel in slowly.” Robert let go of the starter cord and reached for a long-handled net. “That’s right. Keep going.”

  Alex turned sideways on the wooden bench seat, holding the rod upright as he slowly turned the reel. Despite how shitty he’d felt a moment ago, excitement bubbled up. “It’s a fighter. Must be ten or twelve pounds.”

  Robert chuckled. “I’d be surprised. Reel and pull, reel and pull.”

  Bracing his legs against the side of the boat, Alex reeled the fish in as the rod bowed with the weight. With a splash the trout broke the surface ten feet away. “I’ve got him!”

  “Careful now, easy does it.” Robert slid to the edge of the boat and leaned over the side to hold out the net. “He can still get away.”

  Alex focused intently, holding his breath as he lifted the flip-flopping fish from the lake in a spray of water droplets. Robert scooped it into the black mesh net. “That’s a fine rainbow trout. Two, maybe three pounds.”

  “Awesome.” Alex felt ridiculously pleased. He grinned at his father who beamed proudly. His smile faded a little. His joy was mingled with pain for all the moments they’d missed in the past, and all they wouldn’t share in the future. Was he being too hard on his father? Robert’s offer to visit him in Seattle wasn’t everything he’d hoped for but was it enough to bridge decades of hurt and anger, guilt and remorse?

  The boat rocked gently. Somewhere a loon called. Across the lake a boat motor started.

  His father had feet of clay, like any normal human being. Alex found it reassuring in a way. Some of the pressure he put on himself to succeed dissipated. He didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. He was allowed to make mistakes, too. He thought about asking his dad if he’d ever been salmon fishing.

  Robert cleared his throat and said gruffly, “You’d better get that fish in the ice chest.”

  The moment to say something, to connect, passed. Alex followed his dad’s instructions to remove the barbed hook. There was plenty of time to talk about future fishing trips. No rush. “Do you think this will feed three? Emma’s at the cabin.” That is, if she hadn’t decided to leave before anyone was awake to watch her walk of shame. He wanted to get back to her, assure her he would be at her side, walking proudly.

  “It’ll easily feed three.” Robert paused. “Does she know about…our connection?”

  “She figured it out herself.”

  “She always was a smart girl. Don’t you hurt her.”

  “I don’t intend to.”

  “Go
od. Let’s get back.”

  Alex stowed his rod and reeled in Robert’s line while Robert yanked on the starter cord. After half a dozen hard pulls, puffs of smoke billowed but the motor didn’t turn over. “Darn thing is temperamental.”

  “Do you want me to try?” Alex said.

  “One more should do it” He gave another, extra hard yank and sure enough, the engine started. But Robert’s face was gray when he took his seat, the lines etched deeper.

  “Are you okay?” Alex frowned, belatedly realizing his father had been holding his left arm and rubbing his chest at times through out their argument but he’d been too preoccupied with what they were saying to pay attention.

  “Fine. Never better.”

  “Your heart—”

  “My heart is as strong as an ox.” Robert shut down the conversation. He put the gear in Forward and steered for shore, opening up the throttle till they were bumping over the flat water with the wind in their faces.

  The shore gradually grew closer and the cabin got bigger. Now Alex could see Emma drinking coffee out on the veranda. When she caught sight of the boat she stood and waved. Alex waved back. The boat swerved just at that moment. For a second he thought he’d caused the sudden veering to the right. Then everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Emma dropped her mug and started running toward the water. Alex looked back over his shoulder. Robert was slumped forward, his hand fallen from the tiller.

  “Dad!” Alex stepped over the middle bench seat, grabbed his father and pulled him upright. The boat slowed and stopped, the motor idling.

  Robert’s eyelids flickered. His mouth opened but only a gasp came out. Was he conscious? Was he even alive? Got to get to shore. Get help. The engine spluttered. Hell, if that thing stopped… Alex pulled his father to a half-lying position across the bench seat and then grabbed the tiller and throttled back to power, swinging the boat around and opening it up to full speed. The wind tore tears from his eyes as he headed for shore.

  A minute later, or two—it felt like an eternity—he bypassed the dock and the boat’s hull crunched on the gravelly sand. Alex cut the engine and leaped into the water, grabbing the side of the boat to drag it onto the beach.

  Emma waded in to help. “I called 911. The paramedics are at the park for the festival. They’ll be here any second. What happened?”

  “One minute he was fine, the next he slumped over.” Alex put two fingers to Robert’s neck and pressed. “I can’t find a pulse.” Panic sluiced through him. His father’s color was as white as the fish belly and his lips were turning blue. “Help me lift him out of the boat. Quick!”

  He grabbed Robert beneath the shoulders and Emma took his feet. With what felt like superhuman strength, he hoisted his father over the side and staggered up the beach. He’d taken a CPR course a couple of years ago before going on a wilderness hike. The training kicked in. Four or five compressions of the sternum followed by two mouth-to-mouth breaths, rinse and repeat.

  Come on. His eyes blurred. Don’t check out now that we’re finally getting to know each other again.

  A siren sounded, coming closer. Doggedly he kept up the CPR, not knowing if he was doing any good or not. He heard car doors slamming, shouts, running footsteps. Then a strong hand gripped his shoulder and an authoritative voice told him to stand back.

  Relief poured through him as the paramedics, a man and a woman in navy uniforms, took over, checking Robert for vital signs. Finding none, they opened his shirt and the woman started taping electrical nodes to various points on his chest while the man brought over the defibrillator.

  “Go!” the male paramedic said and applied the paddles to Robert’s chest. The woman pressed the switch to start the current. Robert’s body jumped.

  Emma gave a cry. Alex reached out blindly, drawing her in to his side. She wrapped her arm around his waist and clung. “He’s going to be okay.” If he said it aloud, it would be true. The paramedics continued to work on Robert, applying more current. “Did you call Linda?”

  Emma nodded, her drawn, tear-stained face almost as white as Robert’s. “I told her Robert had collapsed in the boat. She’s coming right down.”

  “We have a pulse. He’s breathing.” The male medic reached for an oxygen mask while the female medic removed the electrical tapes. Within seconds Robert’s lips regained a pink color. They transferred Robert to a stretcher. “We’re taking him to the hospital in Polson.”

  “How long was he without oxygen?” the female medic asked as they started carrying him to the waiting ambulance.

  “I’m not sure. When he collapsed he was breathing. Then I was driving the boat.” Alex said. Another car arrived at the scene but he was too focused on Robert to pay attention. “I don’t know when his heart actually gave out. It couldn’t have been more than a couple of minutes.”

  “Sooner we get him to ER the better.” The medics loaded the stretcher inside, set up a drip for Robert and adjusted his oxygen mask. He started to shut the door.

  “Can I ride with him?” Alex said.

  “Are you family?”

  He hesitated but only for a second. “I’m his son.”

  A gasp behind him made him spin around. Linda stood there, a hand over her mouth, eyes wide.

  Chapter Eleven

  ‡

  Linda brushed past Alex. “I’m his wife. I’m riding with him.”

  Seeing Alex’s stricken expression, Emma pulled him away from the ambulance as the doors closed. “Come on. We’ll go in your car.”

  They ran back to the cabin, got his keys and jumped into the sports car. Alex took off after the wailing ambulance, gravel spurting from beneath his tires. Emma hugged herself, unable to get rid of the vision of Robert’s face, pale and lifeless, out of her mind. He couldn’t, absolutely couldn’t die.

  “She heard me say I was his son, didn’t she?” Alex thumped the steering wheel and swore. “I didn’t want her to find out that way.”

  “Don’t worry about that now.” Emma put a hand on his knee to comfort him. “All she’s thinking about is Robert and whether he’ll survive.”

  “He has to. Anything else is unthinkable.” Alex took her hand and brought it to his cheek. “I’m glad you were there. Glad you’re still with me.”

  Emma gave him a tremulous smile. It seemed wrong to think of her own happiness unless and until Robert was out of danger but after last night she’d begun to think Alex just might be The One. Was she crazy? She’d only met him a week ago but already she felt as if she knew him in a deeper way than such a short time would suggest possible. Despite their differences he felt fundamentally right for her.

  This morning, after waking in his bed, she’d fantasized about him staying in Cherry Lake, just as Zoe had suggested. However the likelihood of that ranged from ‘not very’ to ‘nil.’ His life was in Seattle. He was an urbanite through and through. But he’d grown up in a small town, she argued with herself. Yeah, and then run as far away as possible.

  She glanced at his profile, his angled jaw and full mouth set in a grim line. He was glad she was here partly because she was both a link to, and a buffer between, him and the Jacksons. He’d asked her to go to Mexico with him but that was just a lark, not real life. She noticed he hadn’t said anything about her coming to Washington State to be near him.

  Time enough to sort out these thoughts and feelings later. For now, all that mattered was that Robert recovered.

  When they got to the hospital, they were directed to a small private waiting lounge. Linda was on the phone. Will, Taylor and Jodi had just arrived. Instead of approaching the tight cluster of Jacksons, Alex hung back, leaving it to Emma to find out what was going on. She hugged her friends and found a pack of tissues for Taylor and Jodi. Confusion reigned. No one seemed to know what was happening to Robert.

  From what Emma could gather from listening in on Linda’s conversation, Hal would pick up his wife Julie and their son, Brett, on their way to the hospital. Molly and Lil would take over the stal
l.

  Finally, Linda got off the phone.

  Emma surged forward with the others. Will asked, “Where is he? What’s happening?”

  “He was rushed into surgery,” Linda told them, wringing a soggy tissue. “We just have to wait now. Oh, if only he’d stayed in Billings and had the stent put in, this might not have happened.”

  Brett and his parents arrived just then and soon after that came Jess and Nate. Between the hugging, tears and worries expressed, Emma didn’t notice at first that Alex had disappeared. Her heart ached for him. He would be just as anxious as the rest of them but he didn’t have the support of the family.

  She went out into the corridor, looking for him. He was coming toward her carrying a cafeteria tray loaded with foam cups of coffee and a stack of sugar and creamer. She touched his arm and his bleak expression nearly broke her heart. She helped him distribute the coffee. Linda, who was talking to a nurse, was the last person without one. “Do you want me to take it to her?”

  “No,” Alex said. “I need to talk to her anyway. But you could come with me for moral support.”

  “Of course.” Full of trepidation, she walked with him over to where Linda had sunk into a chair and propped her hand on her chin, her eyes closed. Emma wasn’t sure Alex was doing the smart thing but it felt like the right thing. She stayed back a few feet as he approached Linda.

  “Thank you.” Linda accepted the coffee and set it on a low table.

  Alex crouched next to her, his hand near her arm but not touching. “I know this isn’t the ideal time, and you shouldn’t be hearing this from me, but I figure the uncertainty over Robert’s condition is bad enough without having a lot of questions about me swirling around in your brain.”

  Linda hesitated. For a moment Emma thought she might tell Alex she didn’t want to hear it. Then she said, “Go on.”

  He proceeded to tell Linda what he’d told her last night, from his conception right up until he arrived in Cherry Lake. More really, because he also related the content of what must have been this morning’s conversation with Robert. Linda listened gravely, her gaze never wavering from Alex’s face. She interrupted now and then with questions about dates and times and about Anya and her relationship with Robert.