Recoil

by Evelyn Drake

  The waitress came back and they placed their order for a shared pizza. They kept it simple with extra cheese and pepperoni.

  Tobias’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he excused himself from the table to go to the bathroom, but once there he checked that the stalls were empty, locked the bathroom door and placed a phone call to the phone number Roberts had texted him.

  The phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, is this Detective Chet Stephens?”

  “Retired. And you are?”

  “I’m Detective Tobias Sohbier with the Portland Police Bureau. I’m investigating a murder that includes Kyle Rivers as a subject of interest.” Tobias heard Stephens release what sounded like a tired breath. “Upon looking into his background, we found that he was present at the time of his parents’ murder. I know that he was not charged, but I wanted to speak to you directly about the matter to get your first-hand impression.”

  “Well, that was a while back, but I do remember the case. One of those that stays with you. What do you need to know?”

  “Do you think that Kyle Rivers killed his parents?”

  Silence greeted Tobias long enough that he pulled his cell phone away from his face to check that the call had not disconnected. But, he soon heard Stephens’ voice again.

  “I don’t condone what happened to Kyle’s parents—but I would not have blamed that kid one bit if he had done it. The stuff we found in that basement… the burns on his body… the kid was out of his mind by the time we got to him. His folks had been dead for a while, so he hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days. They had him chained in the basement with a padlocked steel collar around his neck. The ME assessed him and said that the abrasion marks from the collar weren’t new. They’d happened over time. Unless that kid managed to unlock himself, break out of the basement—which had a padlock on it, too, on the outside—kill his parents without any defensive wounds made against him, and then re-padlock the outside of the basement door and chain himself back up… well, unless he did all that, he didn’t do it.”

  “Could he have had help? Could someone have unlocked the basement door and then locked him back in?”

  “Sure, anything’s possible. But I don’t see it. The kid was almost six feet tall but weighed only 110 pounds when we found him. He was weak physically. And emotionally… he was broken. The parents were monsters. Good riddance.”

  Tobias knees felt weak as a wave of nausea rolled over him. His eyes teared up just as he saw someone pull at the bathroom door in an attempt to get in.

  “Bottom line,” Stephens continued, “he didn’t do it. If he had, I’d say his parents got what was coming, but it wasn’t him. But if anything, it was heartbreaking. When they were cutting off the chains, the kid kept asking for his parents. Someone told him his parents were dead, and he just sobbed. Sobbed so hard he threw up. I thought the kid was going to die right then and there. Really die. He was so used up.”

  Tobias swiped at his nose and turned his head to sniff, hoping the sound wouldn’t travel. Doing his best to keep his voice level, he said, “Thanks. I appreciate the insight.”

  “Did he do the murder you’re investigating? I’ve thought about him, you know? He’s one of those people who stay with you, and I just wondered how he’d ever manage to get back to good. Did he make it? Or did they make a monster?”

  A loud silence hung in the air as Tobias tried to figure out what to say. “I don’t know yet. It’s still early.”

  “Gotcha. Good luck, and will you let me know which way things fall?”

  “I will.”

  “Thanks.”

  The call ended, and Tobias leaned his back against the wall as he took a deep, staggered breath. He rubbed at his eyes and sniffed. Someone tried the door again and this time when it wouldn’t open, they knocked.

  Closing his eyes, Tobias checked in with his gut. Did Kyle kill Victoria? He let go of all the loving memories that he’d had of young Kyle and held on to what he knew about the man. Still, every ounce of himself answered the question with a resounding, No.

  But where’s the evidence? What if I’m blind to him?

  Tobias felt himself teeter-totter on the edge of a fence between guilty and not-guilty. On one side of the fence stood the Kyle that Tobias thought he knew, and on the other stood the angry, darkened image of a man Tobias feared that Kyle had become. Between the two images lay a dead and grey Victoria—and Tobias found himself wishing, not for the first time, that the dead could speak.

  Unlatching the bathroom door, Tobias ignored the annoyed look flashed him by the guy wanting in and headed back out to the table. The pizza had arrived yet remained untouched, and that Kyle was waiting with his plate still empty was not lost on Tobias. Kyle had waited on him.

  Despite his fears and desires to protect himself, Tobias felt his heart swell with love. It had been a long time since anyone had shown a desire to take care of him, and he said nothing when Kyle reached for Tobias’s plate first and served him up two slices of the piping hot pie before taking care of himself.

  I love you. The words hung on the tip of Tobias’s tongue, and his heart hurt that he couldn’t say them. He still felt Kyle’s warm breath in his ear, his arms around him, as the boy he loved whispered those very words to him.

  A quiet fell on the table as both men ate. The pizza was excellent and, to Tobias’s surprise, the company was good. It had an easiness that allowed a companionable silence that he’d failed to be able to find with anyone else.

  He’d had lovers since, but they always felt… empty. Like he was trying to escape himself. Like he was trying to find someone to touch him the way Kyle once had—like they cared about him. Loved him.

  “Did you really try to kill yourself?”

  The question pulled Tobias out of his own head. He sat motionless with a slice of pizza stretching out from his mouth by way of melted cheese. Opting for brevity, Tobias simply nodded his head yes before letting the pizza slice return to his plate.

  “When?”

  Tobias shifted uncomfortably in his seat and then shrugged before crossing a knee over his leg. “Uh… I ran away from my new placement about two weeks in. Took me three days to hitchhike home, found out you’d died…”—he cleared his throat—“and took shelter under a bridge that night. There was broken glass.” He shrugged again as if the rest was obvious.

  Kyle reached across the table with an easy confidence to capture Tobias’s hand. He turned it palm up and leaned forward, studying Tobias’s wrist. The scar left by the glass was just a faint line now, only visible by someone who knew to look for it.

  Kyle reached for Tobias’s other hand, and Tobias didn’t resist. Kyle turned it over, wrist up, and studied it as well. The line on that wrist was a little more jagged than the first.

  “Another homeless guy found me. He carried me twelve blocks to the nearest hospital, talking to me the whole time, telling me how everything gets better. By the time we got to the hospital, the front of his clothes were drenched in blood.” He shook his head.

  “Two and a half weeks… I tried running away right before then to go find you. But, they caught me. That’s when they locked me in the basement,” Kyle said, letting his fingers drag over Tobias’s flesh as he released his hands and sat back once more in his seat. “You really did seances and all that?”

  “… And all that,” Tobias parroted. He’d been obsessed, and he tried every way imaginable to connect with Kyle in any way he could.

  Kyle’s mouth pulled sideways into a smile. “How’d that work out for you?”

  Tobias thought of his nights filled with terror, the scratches on his body, the nightmares, and the unexplained bruises. He thought about the feeling of being hunted that never quite seemed to go away when he was at home.

  “Not so good,” he finally said, choosing to keep his answer simple.

  Kyle’s expression tightened. “What’s wrong?”

  “About what?”

  “I don’t
know… but something’s wrong. You’re not okay. What’s wrong? Are you in danger? Somebody messing with you?” His whole body tensed as if ready to fight.

  Tobias’s chest tightened and his breath grew shallow as he struggled not to think about the sweat drenched sleep awaiting him when night finally came.

  “There… right there,” Kyle said with more vehemence. “Your face. It’s like you turned gray. You looked worn out and sick for a minute. What’s going on. Tell me!”

  Tobias’s heartbeat quickened and he looked out the window as he struggled against the urge to expose his personal life to a murder suspect. Then he turned to look once more at Kyle, and the desire to hold anything back faded.

  “When the easy stuff—Ouija boards, psychics, and mediums—didn’t give me what I was looking for, I went darker. Deeper. I got into some stuff I shouldn’t have gotten into. Now, I don’t know. I mean, I do know. I opened a door or something. They won’t leave me alone. I go to sleep and no matter where I am, they find me. I’m being haunted. They’re torturing me. I… I’m exhausted.” Tobias let it all go. He put it all out there.

  Kyle’s face tightened, looking grim. “I’m going home with you tonight.”

  “What? No.”

  “Yes.”

  There was a finality—an end of discussion—in that singular word. Inside of Tobias, his spirit rejoiced even as his mind backpedaled and withdrew.

  I love him. I want him. I can’t do this. I can’t have him but not have him.

  “Kyle—”

  “Shut up.” Kyle stood, removed his wallet and pulled out a couple of twenties to pay for lunch. “I’ll be there tonight.”

  Then he walked off before Tobias had a chance to say anything else. Tobias watched him go, studied his long lines and his powerful yet graceful movements. His imagination flashed with what it would feel like to be under Kyle, and his heart sank and his gut twisted.

  Why’d I still have to love him? Why’d he have to maybe kill our fucking parents?

  Fuck me—I’m done. I give up trying to do what’s right. Not going to stay away. I love him, I want him.

  I’m getting my man back.

  8

  Kyle

  Kyle turned his car’s ignition key, starting the engine, and then shut it back off a second later.

  He sat, his hands on his steering wheel as he stared forward into the night’s moonless darkness. Reaching down, he started the engine again only to shut it off just as fast a second later.

  “Fuck.”

  Why’d I say I’d come over? This isn’t right. He’s gay.

  Since when had he cared about that? Well… since…

  Kyle turned on his engine again, turned it off and then banged his palm against the steering wheel. To his left sat the complex of condos where Tobias lived. The light that shone from the collection of buildings was warm and inviting. Yet, Kyle’s heart hammered in his chest. His parents had been cremated, but he was pretty sure that if they had a grave to turn over in, they’d turn over in it now.

  Could Monica be right? Were my parents wrong?

  Kyle’s stomach turned. He didn’t want his parents to have been wrong. He didn’t want the family he’d loved—still loved—to be the monsters that everyone said they were. But if they’d been right—if they had in fact saved his immortal soul—then the terrible pain he’d endured could be held inside his heart as a blessing.

  “Mom… Dad… what do I do?”

  He let the quiet of the night wrap itself around him as he waited for an answer but none came. “I guess for me the dead stay silent,” he said, his face tight as he stared down the path that led to Tobias’s front door. He’d gotten a text from Tobias over an hour ago that the work that he could do for the day was done and that he was heading home. Tobias had texted him not to worry about coming, that everything was fine and that he’d just get some sleep—but Kyle knew that comment for what it was: a way to give Kyle a polite out if he wanted one.

  “And I don’t want one,” Kyle realized, pulling his key from the ignition and opening his car door. He squared his shoulders after he stood and looked down the path to Tobias’s door. It was the longest path he’d ever walk that was still too short. But putting one foot in front of the other, he started on his way.

  Standing in front of Tobias’s door, Kyle’s heart was calmer than he’d thought it would be. Maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe spending time—alone—with him’s okay. Maybe it’s good. The cool night air caressed the back of his neck, and he fought the urge to rub the overly sensitive skin. His whole body felt alive as if it were just waking up after years of sleep. His adrenaline pumped and his excitement edged ever higher. He felt happy, and that scared him most of all.

  Giving the door a hard-knuckle rap, Kyle took an involuntary step backward by how soon and fast the door opened.

  Tobias stood on the other side of the threshold, his smile strained as he rubbed his palm on the side of his jean-clad thigh.

  He’s as nervous as I am. And this feels like a date. Why does this feel like a date?

  “Come in.” Tobias stepped to the side of the door, pulling it open further as a gesture of welcome. “I’ve got some beers in the fridge… and some cheese. I’ve got cheese. You like cheese, right? Gouda, right? Can I take your jacket?”

  Fuck, this is a date. Kyle’s skin crawled with panic and pleasure at once.

  He glanced at Tobias as he stepped into the apartment and the words he was reaching for froze in his head. Tobias looked awful. Below the seemingly healthy looking pallor of his skin, he looked ashen. He looked like he was a man being eaten alive from the inside out.

  “Yeah, thanks,” Kyle said, shrugging his jacket off and handing it over, knowing damn well that he wasn’t leaving until he knew that Tobias was okay. “And I’ll take a beer, too, but only if you drink one.” And he needed Tobias to have one. He needed him to relax, to rest—before he fell down. “They been working you harder than usual?”

  “Naw,” Tobias said, retrieving a couple of beers from the fridge. “Things are pretty usual. I mean, there’s some odd hours here and there, but it’ll sort itself out.” He handed the beer over to Kyle, and Kyle noticed how Tobias kept his gaze averted. He’s shy. Nervous. Kyle’s brain slammed on the brakes, trying to put emotional distance between him and the way Tobias made him feel—had always made him feel—but it was a useless effort, and despite himself, Kyle felt a smile tug at his lips because of how nervous Tobias was to spend time alone with him.

  Kyle had no idea how many women he’d been with over the years. The first time, it was just to prove a point to himself. Then, simply because it was what they wanted and he felt ambivalent enough about it to not bother saying no. But none of them had ever made him feel the way Tobias had—warm and happy from the inside out. It was how Tobias made him feel now, and it felt good… so good.

  “I’ve missed you.” The words hung in the air, and Kyle’s ears heard them before he realized it was he himself who had spoken them. His face went hot as Tobias’s face registered surprise.

  Fuck!

  He turned away and walked, putting distance between them until he reached the grey twill sofa. He sat right in the middle, stretching his arms out to either side of him along the back of the sofa as his knees splayed wide. Even though he physically only encompassed a small portion of the sofa, he wanted to send the message that the sofa had no real estate available and that Tobias needed to sit in one of the nearby matching chairs.

  And yet, the words that had come out of Kyle’s mouth still hung in the air between them.

  “I’d, uh, forgotten how much I missed you,” Tobias said, making his way to a deep sitting chair that sat at an angle to the couch. He sat down, and his body seemed to melt with fatigue. “It’s been a long time, and I thought you were dead. For years, I went through life with this constant sensation that something was missing.” He rubbed his hands on his thighs. “I, um, thought it’d gone away—turns out I’d just gotten used to it a
nd had stopped noticing it.” He took a deep breath. “When I saw you again, it all came flooding back. Everything. I felt like… I felt like I’d just woken up from some nightmare to find you still alive.” His voice grew thick with emotion, and he stopped talking.

  Kyle took a long, deep drag of his beer bottle and didn’t realize until it was too late that his eyes drifted down Tobias’s body to take more of him in. His entire body vibrated with want.

  I’m not gay. But those words were not ringing with the same truth that they had been just forty-eight hours ago.

  “So, tell me about this haunting that’s happening to you.” Kyle had thought it was a simple enough question. For him, it had been a distraction and a change of subject, but he was startled to see Tobias grow more pale as his eyes swiveled to take in the room as if in fear they would be overheard. “Do you feel safe right now—or not safe?”

  “I’m safe. I know I’m safe.”

  He’s lying. His voice is tight. He’s scared.

  Without thinking about it, Kyle shifted to the end of the sofa nearest Tobias and then patted the seat next to him. “Why don’t you sit here?”

  Tobias shifted in his chair and cleared his throat. “Kyle, you get that I am gay, right? No way, no how has that changed for me.”

  “I know—but this isn’t about that. It’s not about you and me.” Another lie—shut up. “I just want you to sit next to me.”

  Tobias stood, straightened his clothes as if to stall, and then moved to sit next to Kyle. His entire body was tense. Kyle couldn’t even see him breathe.

  Sliding an arm around Tobias, Kyle pulled the smaller man’s shoulder into his chest. Tobias stayed stiff as a board for three whole heart beats, and then he melted with an audible groan. A second later, he’d lifted a hand to rest on Kyle’s chest as he rested his temple against the inside of Kyle’s shoulder.

  Kyle had trouble discerning where he ended and where Tobias began. They seemed to blend into each other, just as they had done all those years ago, and Kyle failed to stop himself before he kissed the top of Tobias’s head.