Recoil

by Evelyn Drake

  “I’m sorry they sent you away like that,” Kyle said, rhythmically running his fingers through Tobias’s hair, earning him a contented sigh. “They were wrong. You’re not broken. You’re not defective.”

  “But how can you say that about me when it’s not what you believe for yourself? They hurt you. They…” he trailed off.

  Kyle searched for an answer but found none. “I don’t know. Gay men are supposed to be wrong. Predators. I think that. I have to. But… not you. Just, not you. Never you. But if you’re not…” He left off before the obvious question: were more of them the kind of guy Tobias was? All of them? Could he be?

  Tobias shifted so that he could look up at Kyle. “You think you’re a predator?” Then, his cheeks colored with the implications of what he’d just said.

  He doesn’t believe I’m not gay. “I’m straight now,” Kyle said, gently pulled Tobias back down to lean against him. “You are the only guy I’ve ever been wrong with.”

  “Wrong…” Tobias repeated almost as if to himself.

  “I’m sorry, but it’s what I believe now.”

  “Our parents—”

  “It’s not because of them,” Kyle interrupted. “I mean, it’s not only because of them.” His chest grew tight at the memories and his breath grew shallow. With conscious effort, he forced his body to relax once more.

  He can’t hurt me. I’m bigger and I’m stronger than him. And besides that, he wouldn’t hurt me even if he could. It’s Tobias. It’s only Tobias. No one else.

  “Where’d you go?” Tobias asked, his head tilted up to look into Kyle’s face.

  Kyle smiled as he brushed the hair away from Tobias’s cheek. “Nowhere as good as here. Go to sleep.”

  Tobias didn’t move. He stayed with his face tilted up and his eyes gazing into Kyle’s.

  Kyle’s chest grew tight again, but this time it was not with remembered fear. It was the tightness that came with unanswered longing. Dipping his head, he placed the softest of kisses on Tobias’s lips. Not even a kiss really, he reassured himself, just skin touching skin. A handshake with an old dear friend.

  He bent and kissed Tobias again, this time letting his lips linger as flesh stayed against flesh long enough to absorb each other’s heat.

  Tobias’s hand was on his face, then, cupping his cheek. No words were said between them, just like all those years ago when they would lay in each other’s arms within the quiet of the night. I hadn’t known it was wrong then. They’d only known that others wouldn’t approve. So, they’d kept their love for each other quiet. A secret that was just theirs.

  This could be a secret.

  The thought hung inside Kyle’s head with no others rising up to object.

  As kids, they hadn’t been ready for what life could offer them as adults—but they were ready now.

  Why’d he have to be so damn beautiful?

  Kyle stroked Tobias’s cheek with the back of his fingers. He’d thought his world had ended when he lost Tobias. He’d caved to the teachings of his parents and the various spiritual guides they’d brought into the home. He eventually told them whatever it was they wanted to hear—but that never seemed good enough. Always his body would show him a liar as they showed him videos of men loving men… and then sent ever increasing electrical shocks through him with the belief that it would turn not just his thought but his body as well against the idea of a man loving another man. The treatment never seemed to work, though, as his body betrayed him time and time again.

  That was when they had introduced Master Yardwell who believed that a pious spirit was reached through an empty stomach—and Kyle had starved, fed thin broth with little flavor and no substance.

  The abuses had continued yet Kyle’s body had continued to respond to what his parents—and all the others they brought to him—had considered to be abominations of the spirit. That was when the exorcisms had begun. A man who called himself holy came and made him drink something foul to “cleanse” him. Then, when he began to violently vomit, the man and his parents said that it was a sign that the Holy Spirit was cleansing the evil from his body. Yet again, when they tested him—when they showed him images that were too advanced for his young, innocent eyes of the things men do to other men—his body betrayed him again. It always betrayed him.

  Eventually the masters, teachers, and holy men stopped coming and Kyle’s parents barely spoke to him as they would bring him food. They told him it was for his own good and that the government men who had killed Tobias were getting closer to finding him to kill him as well.

  So, being as quiet as he could, Kyle spent hours on end alone, not sure if it was day or night. Slowly, he started wishing he were dead so that he could be free and with Tobias again—no longer hungry or in pain and alone. So alone.

  Finally, even Kyle’s parents had stopped coming… and it was days before he’d learned it was because they were dead.

  Kyle blinked, forcing his thoughts to return to the present. The feeling of how wrong his life had felt then lingered, and it was a stark contrast to how good he felt now with Tobias in his arms.

  Were they wrong? I love him so fucking much. How can that be wrong? How can something that feels so right be wrong?

  But, it was. He knew it was. Yet, just like all those years ago, his body hadn’t gotten that message. He felt the heavy stiffness of his jeans against his thickening cock. His senses were alive with Tobias in his arms. He was alive. It didn’t feel this way when he was with women. It didn’t feel this way at all. With them, he was serving a purpose. Nothing more. With them, he was allowing his body to be used as God had intended.

  Would hell be so bad?

  Dipping his head, he captured Tobias’s lips again, this time urging them to part so that he could explore Tobias deeper, so that he could taste him and have him in the way that had kept him going for years.

  His eyes stung as he fought away the tears from finally being able to feel again.

  Shifting his body, he moved out from under Tobias to lie on the sofa next to him. Sliding his hand behind Tobias’s neck to hold him as Kyle took him in another kiss, Tobias’s whimpered “yes” of consent was all that he needed to destroy the last vestiges of his reserve.

  He moved on top of Tobias, tucking the smaller man under him. When Tobias’s thighs opened and Kyle found himself grinding groin to groin, a growl of desperate need rolled up out of his chest as he dry thrust against Tobias’s swollen hardness.

  Reaching down between them, Kyle molded his palm to Tobias’s cock beneath thick denim.

  Tobias lifted his chin to expose his neck—the way he always would—and Kyle was there, kissing and licking and nipping Tobias’s sensitive spot just below and behind his ear. In response, Tobias’s nails dug into Kyle’s back as he arched his chest into Kyle.

  Tobias’s legs wrapped around Kyle’s legs and he hooked his heels beneath Kyle’s perfect ass as his hips thrust up in open invitation of what Kyle had to give.

  “I’ve missed you so much. Oh God, I’ve missed you so much,” Tobias said, his body beginning to tremble as Kyle’s long fingers went to work unfastening the top button of his pants zipper.

  Kyle couldn’t say it himself—not yet, not aloud—even if it were true. But, as he unzipped Tobias, he felt the smaller man pull away.

  “What? What’s wrong? Do you need me to stop? Do you need me to slow down?” All the protective sirens in Kyle’s head were going off as he stretched to figure out how to take care of Tobias. His brain knew that his need to protect Tobias was absurd, but that knowledge did nothing to change how he felt.

  Tobias’s hand wrapped around Kyle’s where it rested over his hard and throbbing cock. “I, uh, I’m not the kid you fell in love with.”

  Kyle shook his head, still struggling to grasp why that would be an issue.

  “I had it all planned out in my head. We’d grow up, get jobs, buy a house. A dog or maybe even two.” Tobias smiled but it was full of pain. “When I lost you…” His voic
e broke. “I hurt so bad. I needed to make it not hurt. Fucking guys made the pain go away. Dating them didn’t. I tried both.” He shrugged.

  Kyle took a deep breath and his body sagged against Tobias. “Of course. Shit, you thought I was… That doesn’t change anything.”

  “I’ve—” Tobias cleared his throat, “—been with straight and bi men before. Quite a few, actually.”

  Kyle felt his confusion register on his face. His shook his head that he didn’t understand.

  “Married men or men with girlfriends or fiancées,” Tobias said, his voice growing smaller. “Men who like to fuck other men but want relationships with women. Some bi guys like dating men, some don’t. Some like dating women, some don’t. It works all kinds of ways.”

  Kyle’s mouth fell open.

  “Never heard about that?”

  “No.” There was a silent pause. “What did you get out of it?” The question was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

  “I got to feel desired by someone who could never hurt me.”

  Kyle felt a knife slide into his heart and twist—not out of betrayal but instead out of regret for how much pain his life had caused Tobias. Lowering his head, he gave Tobias another slow kiss. Twenty-two years of life, together and apart, and the parts together made up for the… the other parts. That kiss was full of everything Kyle ever had been and would ever be, and Kyle lost himself to Tobias.

  Tobias moaned into his mouth, and Kyle’s skin burned with need. His hand dug at Tobias’s jeans, desperate to feel the heat of Tobias’s flesh in his hands, and shoving his hand down Tobias’s lean stomach to capture his hard length, Kyle moaned with a deep, painful hunger as he rested his forehead against Tobias’s and simply breathed.

  “That’s how I feel about you,” Tobias whispered as his hands travelled the hard, curving lines of Kyle’s arms and back. “That’s me wanting you. I’ve always wanted you. And I thought you were…” He closed his eyes.

  Kyle’s hand stroked down to Tobias’s base and back up again, eliciting a hiss of unfiltered pleasure from Tobias.

  Pulling Tobias’s head back with his other hand, he dragged his mouth off of Tobias’s and down his neck where he closed his teeth on the sensitive spot below Tobias’s ear hard enough to make Tobias grind against him.

  “I’m not dead,” Kyle said, leaning in to take Tobias lips in another kiss, this one infinitely more gentle than the last. His grip softened in Tobias’s hair.

  “I know,” Tobias said against Kyle’s lips.

  “I’m not dead.”

  “Show me. Show me you’re not dead. Prove it to me.” Tobias’s fingers curled into Kyle’s shirt at his back, and then his whimpered as Kyle took him in a deep, surging kiss.

  Kyle’s hand stroked up Tobias’s length again while Tobias’s breath came in jagged gasps. He lifted his chin in the air, and Kyle nibbled it gently. He stroked faster and Tobias’s hips pulsed forward with each stroke of Kyle’s hand. Soon, the slick sound of Tobias’s precum was the only sound in the room besides Tobias’s broken breath and soft whimpers.

  Tobias was thick and his whole body tense. Kyle stared down in amazement at him as undiluted pleasure wrapped itself around Tobias. In his arms and care, Tobias’s entire body shook.

  I want this. I need this.

  The girls he’d fucked, they’d enjoyed themselves. It was kind of nice to make them feel good, but it wasn’t like this. It had never been like this. Kyle felt his whole body vibrate just from watching Tobias. He’d protect him from anything or anyone. He’d stand between Tobias and God if God tried to reject him.

  I love him.

  Kyle’s heart pounded and his cock throbbed with desperate need as a strangled cry tore its way up and out of Tobias’s chest. Heat flooded Kyle’s hand and forearm, and Tobias’s body stayed stiff for a moment before he relaxed.

  Pushing himself off of Tobias and onto his knees, Kyle pulled his shirt off over his head. Glancing down at Tobias, the heat he saw in Tobias eyes as the smaller man’s gaze travelled Kyle’s naked torso was unmistakeable.

  Kyle wiped the sticky wetness left on him by Tobias on his shirt before throwing it onto the ground. His shaking hands moved to his belt buckle.

  It’s not wrong. How can it be, when it feels like this?

  “Roll over,” Kyle demanded. Tobias did as he was told, wiggling his body in place until was face down in the same spot on the couch.

  Kyle left off undoing his belt and reached for Tobias’s shirt, pulling it up and off his body in a rough, ungraceful movement which was full of hot need. He pulled and yanked at the waist of Tobias’s jeans to rip them off his hips. Tobias had to hold on to the sofa’s armrest to keep from being pulled down the sofa with his pants.

  Kyle paused in his work after he got Tobias’s jeans halfway down his thighs. He’d taken Tobias’s boxers down with them, and the creamy, half-moon flesh of his ass stared up at him now.

  Leaning over, Kyle ran his hand over Tobias’s hip and the full roundness of his bare cheeks. The flesh was so soft that Kyle was unable to resist leaning down to kiss first one cheek and then the other. And there, visible just below the curve of his ass between his thighs, Kyle could see the swell of Tobias’s ball sack.

  Moving slower now, his gaze glued to every curve and inch of Tobias’s exposed ass, Kyle unzipped his jeans. The lack of tension on his swollen, ready cock was a relief, and the air was cool on his skin as he pushed his jeans and shorts down his thighs. Standing up on the couch, he pushed his jeans off his legs and flicked them aside with the kick of one foot.

  Looking down the long, flat length of his torso, his thick, heavy cock stood out from his body. His round head already glistened with precum, and his own ball sack hung low and relaxed from his body.

  Below him, still laying belly down on the sofa, Tobias waited. His bare ass was nothing but exquisite to Kyle, and Kyle sank to his knees to hold Tobias’s cheeks in his hands again. Then, reaching between Tobias’s slightly parted thighs, Kyle gathered Tobias’s balls to cup them in his hand. He didn’t let go when Tobias gasped and jerked, sensitive and startled. Instead, he held steady and soon Tobias relaxed again.

  This doesn’t have to make me gay. No more than the other guys he’s fucked. It’s mechanics. It’s love. It’s… something in between. I don’t know what it is, but I need it. Need him.

  Kyle swallowed hard as he gave Tobias’s balls a little tug. When Tobias mewed and wiggled, Kyle’s heart skipped a beat and his saluting cock bobbed in the air. He sat with one foot on the floor and his other knee bent on the couch as he straddled Tobias’ body.

  Kyle caressed the swell of Tobias’s ass, kneading both sides with his hands as he sat down on the back of Tobias’s calves.

  “Do you want me?” he asked, his own voice barely more than a whisper. He was suddenly afraid that Tobias was just indulging him.

  “Yes.” Tobias’s answer was immediate and resolute, and his hips pulsed upward in offer as if to punctuate what his mouth was saying.

  “I always loved your ass,” Kyle said, leaning in to kiss it again. “I want it to be mine. I don’t want to think about how that will work, I just… do.”

  Tobias’s body shifted. He wriggled, turning over between Kyle’s knees until he was face up. He froze, his mouth open, drinking in the sight of Kyle’s body. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “How did you end up looking like that?” Lifting a hand, he dragged his fingertips down Kyle’s chiseled abs, then to his thick cock. “Holy fuck!”

  Kyle shrugged with one shoulder as a quirked smile pulled at his lips. “I’ve had compliments.”

  “No wonder the girls like to fuck you,” Tobias said, his eyes wide.

  Kyle’s smile faded. “You don’t mind?”

  “What?”

  “That there have been girls?”

  Tobias’s expression stayed placid and thoughtful as he wrapped his fingers the best he could around Kyle’s girth. Finally, he shrugged. “I’m glad that you’ve been livin
g… instead of just breathing. You know? But,” he went on in a hurry as his expression grew darker, “the only person I want this inside of now is me.” His hand gave Kyle’s length a stroke, and Kyle let his hips slide higher up Tobias’s body until his balls rested with Tobias’s and his cock rested on Tobias’s flat belly.

  It was oddly peaceful, lying like this for minutes, letting Tobias explore and gently tease him along. He’d expected the need to be so much greater, to have to take over and satisfy it, but he was able to wait. However long it took Tobias to recuperate, he could wait.

  Saying nothing so as not to break the spell, Kyle stayed in place as Tobias’s hand continued to stroke him. Soon, he felt Tobias’s softened cock begin to thicken. Shifting, he pulled Tobias’s cock up against his belly to rest next to his own.

  “Talk about David and Goliath,” Tobias quipped as he continued to stroke Kyle. Twitching, he grew to his full size next to Kyle’s full, heavy cock. Lacing his fingers around both cocks, Tobias stroked them together. Kyle aided Tobias in his efforts by pulsing his hips back and forth.

  “No woman has ever been as beautiful to me as you,” Kyle said, leaning forward to kiss Tobias’s lips. “I can say that. I can admit that. They all pale next to you. Your lips. Your mouth. The way you smile and laugh. They way your eyes crinkle.” His hips kept their steady, shallow thrust through Tobias’s hands. “No one ever tasted as good to me as you. No one’s sounds have been as sweet. I had to block my ears and close my eyes and imagine you just to get through it. It’s always been you.”

  Tobias visibly swallowed. “I want you inside of me. Please, Kyle.” He seemed to hold his breath as if afraid of what Kyle would say, but he exhaled loudly when Kyle nodded his head yes. “I’ve got… I’ve got some things in the bedroom.” The admission turned his cheeks red.

  “What kind of things?” Kyle teased, well aware of what Tobias was trying to say.

  “You know,” Tobias said again, his gaze lowering as if worried about his reaction.

  “Shhhh…” Kyle said, leaning forward. Pushing hands between Tobias’s body and the cushions, he gathered Tobias into his arms and lifted, picking the man up to his surprised gasp. Instantly, Tobias wrapped his arms and legs around Kyle. “Which way to the bedroom?” Tobias pointed and Kyle followed.